I don't want to be a working mom anymore!!!!

Elizabeth - posted on 03/07/2013 ( 10 moms have responded )

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Hey, Stay at Home Moms, how do you guys do it?

How do you afford to stay with the kids? How did you get your husband's / partner's on board with you being a stay at home mom?

Working in and out of jobs and being around people I hate is really putting a strain on me when I would rather be at home with my daughter. Don't get me wrong, I'm not lazy. I have almost completed my Bachelor's degree in Liberal Studies, couple more classes to go (foreign language, Ack!) , but I have never known what I want to do once I have my degree and quite frankly now that I am a mom the answer is "be a mom." I can't help it. I just don't see the point in working my butt off for $12 an hour right now at an oil company where everyone else makes more than me and treats me like a kid, when I could be at home with MY kid and be a mom, not a kid myself, and not miss out on everything she has going on. I feel robbed of money and all my child's milestones when I take her to and pay for daycare.

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Vanessa - posted on 03/08/2013

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Wow, what a lovely thing to say. I must say it's distressing to see how many Mom's out there feel stuck and overwhelmed by the daunting expectations our society has for them.
I wish the best for you, thanks for you compliment, it means a lot to me. We Mom's have to stick together.

Elizabeth - posted on 03/08/2013

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Definitely. OMG you are the best mentor EVER! Do you have your own blog? I keep meaning to start mine, I have the domain, but I am just WAAYYYY too busy for it. I thought it would be my escape. I also like watching Nick Mom, it comes on 9 pm on Nick Jr. after all the cartoons air. It's great, you should be a guest mom on there or something, you're amazing!

Vanessa - posted on 03/07/2013

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I've had the same thought, particularly when I was back at work with a new baby. God knows some men are like a second or third child. In fact I was just thinking tonight that if feels as if I have a third child. But then I remember my single Mom friends who my kids have grown with, and I think the difference is, there's no one to really fall back on. It's up to them, good or bad. And when it's gets "too" stressful, the back up has backed out. And there's no one there to share the beauty with. So, there's no easy way. Maybe what you need is a "you" thing. Something just for you. Like 2 hours on Sunday afternoons. Time away can be so healing. And it's OK to go away sometimes.

BUT, don't sell yourself short. You have power too. The hard part is finding a way to use it carefully and lovingly.

Elizabeth - posted on 03/07/2013

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wow, it's scary to think about, but very true.

Then again I always think, well it could be worse. I could be a single mom, like I planned in the beginning, or I can take this blessing from God that somebody actually wants to be a husband and a father and just work hard like I would be doing anyway. It just feels harder because a man is just another to take care of. I think it might actually be easier to work and be a single mom than it is to work and be a mom and a wife, because you don't have another person to worry about and try to please, you just do it all for yourself and your kids. I'm sure that comment will spark a riot and I will have single moms everywhere at my throat for it, but I have been on both sides now and I kind of know.

Vanessa - posted on 03/07/2013

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Elizabeth,
So this is your fiancee. A couple of things, so early in your relationship you have a right (and duty) for yourself and your child to create good and reasonable expectations between you and your fiancee. Sounds like your feeling pretty overworked.
So, you've got to understand your personal power, and use it. Who wants to be in an unhappy resentful relationship, right? So either you spend your life resenting him and living in a home where your powerless, or you roll up your sleeves and get ready for some honest communication.
So, time to drop your daughter off at a friends house and have one of those uncomfortable but serious discussions. It won't be easy at first. Sounds like he's resistant to your basic needs. And it will take a while, but hopefully with love and persistence and dignity you and your fiancee will find a quality of life that works best for you.

Elizabeth - posted on 03/07/2013

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I think my fiancee will be a little harder to convince, we are already doing your list, except for the vegetable garden, we just moved into our house and my fiancee is planning the garden everyday little by little. So far I think we are planning on growing... maybe a little too much? Zucchini, cherry tomatoes, mint, green beans, onions...maybe more just all the stuff we like to eat. We have some other friends that grew all kinds of stuff in their back yard, but the wife doesn't go to work, and they don't even have kids!

It's not that I don't want to work, it's just that I am doing it ALL now and I'm tired and really don't have much to show for it. I pretty much feel like the only reason I am keeping my job now is because I have been giving my mom money and I want to buy some new running shoes, get a hair cut, and buy my daughter some new clothes, but she wouldn't need so many new clothes all the time if she wasn't getting them all messed up at daycare.

There are so many ups and downs and pros and cons!!!!

Elizabeth - posted on 03/07/2013

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The sad thing is that I still do all of the around the house stuff too and haven't bought new clothes in months, I am probably the worst dress person in my office. When I get home from work I let my daughter stand next to me in the kitchen while I cook, everyone is fed, I bathe her and then I get down to dusting, vacuuming, mopping- whatever the house needs. Finally once everything is done I shower and go to sleep and then wake up at 5 am to do it all over again.

The thing that really bothers me the most is that before I had this job I used to teach preschool, but once I got pregnant I quit because little kids can be pretty rough and I was getting hit and bitten and just really beat up by the kids when they found out I was pregnant, so I quit that job for a nice "sit down" job and now I just can't stand it, I can feel it is literally taking years off my life. I don't ever want to stop DOING work, I just want to do spend more time doing the work that is meaningful to me, which is the work at home with my family.

Thanks so much for your advice Vanessa! You make it sound so doable. My fiancee thinks that if I don't go to work I must be sitting on the couch. Not true. I have noticed that the days I have to stay home from work for whatever reasons, are the days I work the hardest but feel the best at the same time.

Vanessa - posted on 03/07/2013

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....Ok so I was thinking about the other things we do too....
1. I found the most affordable phone plans, Insurance, and TV programming.
2. I sell the kids clothes on ebay to reinvest in their next seasons clothes.
3. I've also become an excellent gift maker. Don't know about you, but the gifts we are expected to provide monthly adds up to a lot. Good to start early for the Holidays.
4. My and my little son planted a vegetable garden, and we found out a $3 tomato plant will provide you with $50+ worth of tomatoes. (and children love love love a garden). Gardens can be grown on porches too.
5. And once my skeptical husband recognized how much the quality of our life increased, he began help fine tune our life from what was important and those items that we could do without.

In the end, our lives are richer and so are our pocket books. And while it's WORK, it's love work and feels good for us all. Keep it logical and loving.
.....and if this should occur in your family, set down guidelines. For instance, my husband does his own wash, sets the table, does the dishes on the weekends, takes out the trash, etc... Remember: You Are Not A Slave.

Vanessa - posted on 03/07/2013

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My financial counselor was the one who recommended to me that I become the "Household Manager". For logical minded men, it might work best to appeal to the logical side.
So, paper and pencil in hand, I added and subtracted. From my paycheck I deducted the cost of day care as well as the cost of traveling to and from work, and the clothes I needed for work, and what was left, nothing. So, like you, it sounded like I was apending precious time away from my child (then children) with no compensation. My husband could understand that.
So then, next question, how to benefit the whole family. I reasearched the best grocery deals in town, use coupons, I don't buy myself new clothes or shoes. Dinner is at home.
And I find ways to "treat" us affordably. We attend activities that are free to the public and have a wonderful time. And I fine tuned the dinners that my family really enjoys. Feeding most men food they love, is seen as an act of love. Perhaps you husband could be lured by the smell of sauteed onions and garlic when we comes home.
But the downside is that you will have to be working just as hard at home which can be lonely and boring for some personalities. To provide all the necessary teaching to children get at preschool and maintain a clean house with home cooked meals is 24 hour work. So be sure it's what you want. But, no doubt, it was the best decision of my life.
So show your husband how it's a sound decision and let him know about all the extra's he'll be able to enjoy, as well as all the priceless benefits to your child.

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