I don't what community would be best please help... Here is my story

Momof3tweens - posted on 03/27/2015 ( 5 moms have responded )

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I have 3 kids. Two sons and a daughter. I had my children very young. 16, 18 and 21. I tried to be the best mother I could under the circumstances. I never partied a lot. I worked, went to school. I made a lot of mistakes. My childhood wasn't very good. I was a kid raising kids but I tried. I loved them so much. They were my world. I had no guidance growing up, no real support from my mom nor did we have the greatest relationship. My father died when I was 16. Then in my early 20's I found out I was adopted. I have had a lot of traumatic experiences in my life and I wanted to keep my children safe from the type of neglect and abuse I suffered. I wanted to show them love because I wasn't ever really shown any. It backfired or I screwed it up.
I tried to do everything the opposite of my mom. I made a lot of mistakes, I did. I am angry that I brought them in a situation with a singe teenage mom. I can't change that. I gave them everything. I mean every last bit of me. I feel like I have been a parent all of my life. I suffer from depression (severe depression) so we have hit a lot of bumps in the road. I never beat them, or let anyone hurt them.
They were sweet as little kids but teenage years and on have been a disaster! They hate me! They really do. They are so disrespectful. They curse me out, tell me to go kill myself, wish me dead, my middle son has pushed me, my daughter has hit me (I hit her but she was being so disrespectful I didn't know what to do! I have had to call the police on my sons before because they wouldn't leave my house. My sons live with my mom now. I don't want them living there they just cause problems over there and then my family calls me to fix the issues like I can fix them. I can't. My mom would NEVER put them out. SMH! They can't live with me, it's not an option. They come over all of the time and my oldest will stay a few nights. Just the other day my middle son cursed me out because he came over to use my shower and he doesn't want to clean up after himself. My 17 yr old daughter has become a horror. She won't go to school. She told me today she will go to school if she feels like it and if she don't what am I gonna do about it! This made me furious! We had a big argument! She calls me "girl" , stupid, tells me shut up etc. I can't put every detail in this post. It is not enough time I would have to write a book.
I am tired! That's the moral of my story! I can't take it anymore! I always forgive them (because I'm supposed to right?) things will be ok for a minute until one of them doesn't get their way and they go off again! I can't do it anymore! I want her out of my house. No matter what I went through as a child I would NEVER speak to my mom the way they speak to me or treat my mom the way they treat me. It's not fair, it is like I'm not a person to them. They will say all of these bad things to me do bad things to me and come around later for me to fix one of their issues, feed them, give them money, what ever!
I love them but I am to the point now where I just don't like them very much anymore. They say I'm a horrible mom, a sorry excuse for a mom, etc. Why do I have to put up with this? What is really crazy is that I still worry about them. I love them and I want the best for them. I feel guilty if I say no to them or after we fight. They don't feel any guilt though. Accoding to them I ruined their lives! Wow! How? I don't know. I gave them love I showed them love, I gave them practically every thing they wanted. It's never enough. It's never been enough! It never will be. They are like vampires sucking the life out of me.
I want them to succeed. I want them to mature and have good lives BUT I want them to do away from me! I can't fix this. I can't make them change the way they think or feel about me. I'm so tired. I want to go away. I want to go far away from them and see if I can put the pieces of my life back together. I want to live now for me. I can't save them. I can't make them love me or appreciate anything I have done for them. When it is my turn? When can I be free. It's crazy I feel guilty when I think of moving away and leaving them and not telling anyone where I live. They are 22, almost 20 and 17. They are mean disrespectful horrible children. WHY THEN DOES IT HURT WHEN I THINK OF LEAVING THEM? WHY DO I FEEL GUILTY ABOUT HOW I FEEL? I just don't know what to do.

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Momof3tweens - posted on 03/27/2015

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Thank you so much for your words. I face many challenges. I am going to try really hard to take things in a different direction with my life. One of my greatest challenges will be to see if having them out of my life is doable. If there is chance that it is doable Imhave to try. It may not be forever. I hope it's not forever. I have to learn to forgive myself for my past. Which is another best challenge for me. I don't know how I am still here. I really don't. If God is up there he must have a purpose for me that he has yet to reveal. I pray to him. If im completely honest what I pray for lately is my death to no avail. I I keep waking up. I guess as long as I do I'll keep trying make it. I've never known real happiness. I don't even expect it, wish for it or pray for it anymore. I would like some peace. At this point that's all I want.

Jackalope - posted on 03/27/2015

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Get yourself to counseling. Worry about yourself. You can't change how your kids feel about you, and you can't force them to go to counseling (they don't feel like they need it, so it won't help anyway). If you have to cut your children out of your life, it'll be hard but doable. You tried the best you could, and if they can't see that, then you don't need anyone in your life like that. If your family keeps coming back and telling you to "fix" your kids, then you need to tell them that they allowed your children to do whatever they did, and they need to deal with it. You've washed your hands of them. You don't need that stress in your life. You need to get healthy.

Ignore lamakitty. It's just a sad person who gets off on trying to hurt others. I'm sorry it found your post.

Momof3tweens - posted on 03/27/2015

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Thanks you guys. I am going to try and get counseling. I have asked them they refuse. I have tried sitting them down and talking to them to no avail. They don't want to talk about it except to tell me I ruined their lives. They don't have very many specifics. My boys will say I called the police on them and caused them to be arrested what kind of mom will do that? I will counter with that they were cursing me out telling me F me and shut the F up and I asked them to leave my house but they refused. I even warned them that if they don't leave I'll call the police and they still refused. It is always my fault in their eyes they never TAKE ANY RESPONSIBILITY! My family says I should have beat them when they were small, or hit them now when they are talking trash! Really? What is that going to do?! I don't want to fight my children! I shouldn't have to!
I have prayed and prayed. I have to focus on me. I really do. I want to give up. I have in the past tried to commit suicide 5x. All the issues I have had to deal with in my life have been so overwhelming. My depression is so bad. It's bad. Meds never helped. I know that was hard for them. I have apologized. I have tried to make them understand my disease, they don't beleive it. They call me lazy, and trifling. It was never that. It is just really hard battling this depression, raising kids on my own, dealing with my past abuse that no one in the family even cares to acknowledge. It's hard being here and being in this family I didn't choose. In a family that continually accepts the sexual abuse that runs rampant in it. It is so many things. I kept them safe. I loved them. I went to college I have 2 nursing degrees. I did that to take care of them. It hasn't been an easy time, but I don't think I did anything to deserve this. I am. It allowed to feel anything. How I feel doesn't matter, not to them.
They are the only biological family I know. I wanted us to be close. It hurts me so much. I have isolated myself from everyone in the family practically. I can't trust anyone. I can't have a relationship because I have nothing left to give anyone, my kids have it all. I don't leave my house unless I have to work. I barely leave my bedroom anymore. I don't have the energy to continue to battle with them. I just don't. If they hate me that much maybe I have to figure out a way to live with that. It's just par for the course which is my life. They can go and hate me some where else or I can go some where else and leave them with their hate and resentment.
I know I write in bits and pieces. It is just so much to my story. To much. I appreciate the responses.

Masego - posted on 03/27/2015

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Shuuuuuuu, wow mommy I am sorry for all that has happened hey......like myself, you've been through your own type of hell, but i'll tell you one thing....If you are alive today, and you are still breathing, then it means that God still has a purpose and a reason for you to be alive.....Again, you know what mommy ,if counselling is far fetched for you, then you can try praying, then take a next big step of sitting your children down and ask them why they are so angry towards you? ask them how they feel and what is it you can do to make them feel better, ask them how can you be a better mother to them? Make them understand that its time you guys fix your relationship and make them aware that life is tooo short to fight with your loved ones...show then its not worth it...Mommy try the faith root if you haven't, because God has the ability to take your mess into a message, he has all the power to turn things around for the Good... He is a good God...but if you want to communicate with God you have to first accept His son as your personal savior, he will save you from yourself my dear...God is worth it.....I also have a messed up story....but everything is changing for the better...

Michelle - posted on 03/27/2015

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Wow, my heart is breaking reading that.
Really the only thing I can suggest is find a good counsellor. I would for yourself to start off with and then the counsellor may suggest that the children come along. They can give you ways of getting through what is going on better than us. Hopefully your children will be open to seeking help as well. I think they really need to learn not to be so self righteous and actually be thankful for all you have done for them.
I know most teens don't think about others but having a stranger tell them it may trigger something.
If you are having trouble finding a counsellor then speak to your family doctor. They will know of someone that would be good for your family.
Please don't suffer on your own anymore, you deserve a lot better from your children.

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