I dont have the strenght to leave him

Charlotte-marie - posted on 12/07/2009 ( 75 moms have responded )

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Ive been with my boyfriend a couple of years and everything was fine untill we found out i was pregnant..after a few months he turned horrible..never there for me calling me names and accusing me of cheating on him which is aload of rubbish...now my daughters 7months and he still hasnt changed..i was diognoised with PND a couple of months ago and he doesnt understand..he just laughs at me..calls me names etc...i do love him but think its because hes my baby's daddy..i do wanna leave him but dont wanna go back to my mums...can any1 please give me advise on how to make things better...i have tried talking to him but he just laughs again and says i can leave but i ant taking baby? xx

MOST HELPFUL POSTS

Kelly - posted on 12/08/2009

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your baby is georgeous.



find the strength to leave him.



you might not like the idea of going to live with your mother but what would you rather, putting up with your abusive boyfriend or staying with your mother????



you need to get your friends and family involved in this, they need to know so they can help, you may not think they can help but THEY CAN by being there for you, having someone to talk to and clear the air with, you need support and there are alot of people who care about you and will help you but you have to let them help by telling them and they will come to you aid and especialy your mum will.



my mum had an abusive boyfriend when i was a kid and it was horrible, i dont want your little girl going through that and im telling you now YOU dont want that either.



you need to plan everything if you are leaving, you need people around you to know what your doing and you need someone helping you and who is going to be there when you leave, DONT DO IT ALONE.



do not get manipulated to go back and dont look back.



all the posts that you have recived about this problem have more or less said to leave, so what is that telling you???



LEAVE ASAP



DONT PUT UP WITH ABUSE



YOU JUST HAD A BABY YOU DONT NEED STRESS YOUR BABY ALSO PICKS UP YOUR STRESS AND YOU OR YOUR BABY DONT NEED THAT



ITS ALL IN YOUR HANDS, ONLY YOU CAN CHOOSE WHAT TO DO.



BE STRONG, NOT ONLY FOR YOU BUT YOUR DOUGHTER.



what you doughter will see (in this case verbal and psychological abuse) your doughter could become a victom or she can become the abuser because she will think its ok



dont leave it until its too late



take care

Rhonda - posted on 12/07/2009

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Honey, I hate to tell you this but it isn't going to get any better. My exhusband was the same way. Come to find out he was jealous of his own daughter. Some men want to be the center of your world. There is a word for it...CONTROL!! Not only will things not get better, they will get worse. Going to your mums temporarily while you get on your feet is not going to be the end of the world, in fact it may be the beginning of a better life for you and your daughter. My ex would tell me that I couldn't leave because he would not give me one red cent to help with the baby. It was a threat. He was trying to scare me into staying. I think that's what your boyfriend is doing. Do not allow him to manipulate and control you like this. Stand up to him and give him the ultimatum. He gets his head out of his you know what or you're leaving with the baby.

Susan - posted on 12/07/2009

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PLEASE LEAVE !! I was you up to eight years ago. I FINALLY had the strength to leave and go to a women's shelter with my 3 children. Honey, this is ABUSE. This form of abuse is worse than the violent hits and punches because the bruises go away, not words. They stay with you for a long time. One piece of advice that I forgot to do when I left for the shelter.... DON"T forget to take ALL important papers....birth certificate, social security cards, pictures, have everything ready to go and when he leaves for work, jump in the car and go and never look back. This WILL turn to physical abuse honey, it always does. They start off with the words and threats BUT believe me it WILL get worse. THEY DO NOT CHANGE.

I would take you here in a heart beat. Go anywhere! Take your little angel and get out. Believe me when I say he doesn't mean it when he says you can't have the baby. Do you honestly think He is going to want to have something "holding" him down. Hell no he isn't. These kind of guys are no kind of fathers.

Please, please keep us posted. I get so sick to my stomach when I hear stories like this. It brings so many bad memories back to me and I just want to help every woman in the world that goes through DOMESTIC VIOLENCE! And it is DV...there are 5 them. !.) Violence 2.) verbal 3.) mental 4.)sexual 5.)financial. I'm willing to bet you have at least 4out of the 5 if not all 5!!

Good luck sweetie. Do this for your daughter. She will give you the strength to get through this. I know when I went to that woman's shelter the very first time, I cried and cried. I thought this was not me. I don't belong here, I was scared, and wondered if I had made the right decision, but you know what. I DID!! All 3 of my children ended being so happy and they are all doing great in school. Honor roll and high honor roll, and one is about to graduate. Before they were too depressed to do anything. They hated school and life. you will see the difference in your baby girl too.

Sharon - posted on 12/07/2009

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Yeah leave. Its not the lack of strength, its fear keeping you there.



He is just another "baby daddy" and you are his doormat. GET MAD and get away from him. Why would you stay with someone as nasty as that?



If you went to the store and the cashier called you a whore, what would you do? Stand there and take it? If one of your girlfriends came to your house and said "you're a bad mother" what would you do? Agree?



Some where inside yourself you think those things are true. Why? You aren't are you? You're not a whore are you? You don't sleep around with boys (because the baby daddy ain't a man) do you?



take the baby and suck it up and go back to your mothers.



Hear me? TAKE THE BABY AND GO BACK TO YOUR MOTHERS. GET A JOB and screw him.



Do you want your daughter suffering this crap from him later? And yes, this will come down on her later if not now. Stop letting him torture you and get the hell out. Find a way to stand on your own two feet. Stop being a wuss and do what needs to be done!



He is an abusive jerk. If this were one of your best friend's scenario? Would you tell her to stay there and take this crap? Go to a shelter for women, go to your mothers, go to his mothers' if she's kind. But get away from him.

75 Comments

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Tobie - posted on 07/29/2013

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Leave him and take your baby!!!!! He's a loser, and a broken home is better than a abusive home!! Good Luck to you and your Baby!!

Paula - posted on 12/10/2009

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Im not sure where your from, but I know here in NOrthern Ireland there are womens centres who give advice and can help people escape domestic violence, because thats what this is even if he hasn't physically hit you emotional abuse is just as distructful. If you can, check out local services or advice centres.

Vladana - posted on 12/10/2009

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Really confusing and all in the terrible moment! You need a lot of support and love and not a horrible and cruel person! Think a lot! Now is a perfect moment to make a good choice for you and for your baby too! That's my opinion!!!

Vilara - posted on 12/10/2009

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Did you really just ask what his excuse was for accusing her of cheating on him when she was pregnant and he was probably startled at this pregnancy. As for laughing at her--- guess what, when you are depressed you can take laughing at Letterman as being laughed at. It happens, hence my advice on how to have a civilized discussion with him on things. You have heard what she has to say, not what he has to say. They need to discuss this, as adults.

Krista - posted on 12/10/2009

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So then, Vilara -- what's his excuse for accusing her of cheating on him? And laughing at her when she tries to talk to him? Even if he's not ever going to become a physical abuser, it's pretty irrefutable that the guy's a jerk.
Too many women put up with terrible treatment from men, telling themselves that they just need to try harder to make it work, or that they're imagining things, or that it's not so bad because "sometimes" he's very, very sweet -- and I'm worried that if Charlotte truly IS being emotionally abused, that your advice will only reinforce that.
If nothing else, she should get out of there to at least gain some perspective on the situation -- to talk to a counsellor, to get her PND under control, and to be able to think over things with a clear head.

Vilara - posted on 12/10/2009

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Quoting Krista:

Vilara -- if you read the original post, he started being a jerk while she was still pregnant -- long before she developed PND.
And the people around her wouldn't see anything anyway -- most abusers are wily enough to be sweet when other people are around, further reinforcing the victim's sense of isolation, as she's the only one who sees the problem. The longer it goes on, the more the vic starts to feel like maybe she's just overreacting; maybe this IS normal. And then it escalates to physical abuse...lather, rinse, repeat.
Charlotte, honey -- I don't think we've heard from you since your original post, Are you okay????



Depression is very common during pregnancy as well.  The fact that she has PND means that she could very well have been depressed then.  As someone with a family history of depression let me tell you that some people have a predisposition for depression.



And I wasn't referring to the grocery store clerk.  I was referring to the best friend who comes over twice a week.  While someone who is physically abusive can usually keep themselves from hitting their "abusee" in public those people who resort to harrassment are often so sure of themselves that they will make little jabs in public. 



Additionally, everyone seems to forget that this guy was thrown into this pregnancy when she was and we all handle that differently.  Should he have straightened himself out by now?  Absolutely!  But you are all assuming that any day now he is going to grab her by the hair and drag her behind the car.  For crying out loud- do you really think that every person who doesn't understand depression is one step away from trying to kill someone?  Really?  A lot of people (it generally seems like it's the people who have never been depressed) really just don't get it.  They think it is an excuse.  Those people are infuriating.  Absolutely!  Those people are wrong!  But those people are not neccessarily abusive sociopaths.  Charlotte didn't tell us what names he is calling her.  She didn't tell us if he is calling her slut or lazy.  Those are very different things... one is made to make someone feel like less of a person, the other could be a response to not understanding how hard it can be to do anything but take care of a baby.  While he shouldn't call her lazy that is something a couselor can help them with.  Labeling this man an absolute abuser without knowing all the facts for sure is of no help to this child.



If we convince Charlotte that any day now he is going to choke her and slam her against walls because we put our own past experiences on this man and she goes running for the hills always telling her daughter what a disgusting abusive man her father is, what does that gain that child?  I am simply advocating being sure of things, not making a decision without knowing all the facts of things.

Alli - posted on 12/10/2009

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BEING A SINGLE MOTHER WITH LITTLE HELP IS BETTER THAN STAYING WITH SOMEONE WHO MISTREATS YOU IN ""ANY"" WAY. BETTER FOR YOUR SANITY AND THE BABY'S WELL BEING. UNHAPPY MOMMY MAKES UNHAPPY BABY.

Alli - posted on 12/10/2009

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LEAVE HIS SORRY ASS NOW!!!!!!! Your child is the most important thing right now not him. If he is selfish enough not to consider you or you child than you NEED to choke it up brush off your tears put on you big girl panties & move in with mom if that's what it takes. If he hasn't givin you an ounce of well deserved respect by now, than he never will.(I speak from experience)The "love" that you are feeling is you trying to hard to make things better & it's only going to get worse. You will always be the one trying. Do what you know you have to do. LEAVE. No one wants to move back home but if this is how you get help then you do so for that child and for yourself.Don't even tell him your leaving just pack up & leave. He doesn't care now why would he then.
Good luck.

Krista - posted on 12/10/2009

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Vilara -- if you read the original post, he started being a jerk while she was still pregnant -- long before she developed PND.
And the people around her wouldn't see anything anyway -- most abusers are wily enough to be sweet when other people are around, further reinforcing the victim's sense of isolation, as she's the only one who sees the problem. The longer it goes on, the more the vic starts to feel like maybe she's just overreacting; maybe this IS normal. And then it escalates to physical abuse...lather, rinse, repeat.
Charlotte, honey -- I don't think we've heard from you since your original post, Are you okay????

Vilara - posted on 12/10/2009

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OK so now I am going to be in the extreme minority here because I am going to tell you to not neccessarily leave. Do you have any one else in your life right now? Is there anyone around to see what is going on? I ask this because you say you have pnd and your perception of things may not be exactly what is happening and I would hate for you to throw away years of a relationship as a product of that. I am not saying stay. I am saying ask the other people who see you two together if they honestly are seeing these things. If they say they haven't noticed then ask them to try and pay attention to those specific things, and then check back in with them regularly.

As far as making it better--- when you talk to him are you bringing up leaving him? It seems like you must be for him to say you can't take the baby. The discussion needs to focus on how you treat eachother. I say eachother because people are much more open to discussion when they aren't feeling attacked. I am sure you aren't trying to attack him but that may be how he sees it. Talk to him about how this pregnancy was such a shock and how you worry about how it has affected your relationship. Talk to him about how have a baby has really wore you both out (even if you feel like he doesn't do anything.) And then talk about how you can support each other to make things work. Discussions are much more effective if you are working towards a goal. Going in to a discussion with, "I am so sick of you laughing at me and calling me names and I am going to take my toys and leave!" does not lead to a productive discussion. Did
I mention to schedule this discussion? I mean really schedule it. Find out when he has the time to talk, make sure the baby isn't around and feed him right before you talk.

Finally, good luck to you. I know how hard that first year can be. God bless!

Vilara - posted on 12/10/2009

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Quoting Samantha:

Taping someone without their knowledge wont hold up in court.



That totally depends upon the state and the situation.  In some states as long as the owner of the area knows the taping is going on it is legal and in others as long as one person on the tape knows it is going on it is legal while in some all have to be informed.

MIRACLE - posted on 12/09/2009

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Its really not that bad to move back homw with your mom. When your child and you are going to be safe. Him saying you can leave but U are not going to take teh baby is just BS... He does not want the baby.. He is just trying to get the best of U.. Which could be working or not.... What you need to do is what is best for that child and you. If that means going back home then go.. There is nothing wrong with it an dit will only be til you get up on your feet! U really need to prey and ask teh LORD to guide U teh way he wants U to go and if U can not do that then write it out everyday... I really do hope teh best for U and your CHILD! Besafe and really watch yourself!

Melanie - posted on 12/09/2009

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I read your message and as soon as you mentioned post natal depression I really felt for you. I had this with my first child and felt like I was going mad. The last thing you need is to be laughed at. You need security and support and the way he is treating you is probably contributing to they way that you are feeling.

You have to be selfish and think about your children and your sanity. You need to get away from this man in order to get better. You may be worrying about how hard it may be to be a mum by yourself but can anything be worse than the way he is treating you? If you leave him at least that is one less thing to have to combat.

After the way he has treated you when you needed him most you owe him nothing. Decide how you want your life to be and make your move. At the end of the day its down to you.

Good luck

Stephanie - posted on 12/09/2009

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Surrender this situation to Almighty God, Creater of Heaven & Earth, nothing is a surprise to him. God will only give us what we can handle and gives us a way out always.

Krista - posted on 12/09/2009

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if he's treating you this badly, it's my opinion that you should leave...but you're gonna have to make you're own decision...just keep in mind, is all of this crap he's puttin you through worth it, and do you really want your child to grow up seeing her dad treat her mom this way? and there is nothing wrong with staying with your mom...i'm staying with my mom and though you'd rather be independent, sometimes you need a little help...it cant be any worse that your current situation...

Maria Tram - posted on 12/09/2009

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all i have to say is why take the abuse? you deserve to be happy and treated like a queen, like every woman does. dont let that fool put you down. i have a friend going through a similar situation, and he put her down so much, tellin her no man would want her now that she has a baby, throwing insult after insult at her. i kept on telling her, she doesnt deserve that, dont stay for the baby, she deserves happiness too. you have to love yourself and tell yourself that you are worth it, and you dont deserve to be treated like trash

Heather - posted on 12/09/2009

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He is abusive. Leave now before it gets worse. It is very hard but I learned the hard way my kids are 14 and 17 now and he has them brainwashed. Dont wait until it is too late get help. You need support from others to stay strong. Dont ever believe false promises proof is in actions not words.

Audrey - posted on 12/09/2009

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I've come to realize that when someone is blaming YOU for something, THEY are the ones guilty most of the time. While I can honestly say my ex didn't cheat on me, he was convinced I'd leave him b/c I guess he knew he was an a$$. Therefore, he tried to bring me and myself esteem down so I would think nobody else wanted me. And it worked. They always have an MO for doing the things they do.

Heidi - posted on 12/09/2009

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I would like to say give it time, but I tried that and it didn't work. My ex was good in the early days of our so called relationship, but then I got pregnant, he accused me of cheating(blah blah blah), but in fact he was the one cheating, lying doing drugs. I stuck it out for a bit, and when my son was born things got worse. He got verablly and physically abusive towards me. By the time my son was 8 months old I had had enough. I wasn't going to take it from him anymore. So I packed up and left and never turned back. I did so much for that useless man. I even quit my full time job, and moved 2 1/2 hours away from my friends and family. Biggest mistake of my life, but I am a stronger person and so much better off without him and so is my son. My son might see his dad twice a year, which is sad, but my son also has a stepdad that truly does love him and treats him as his own. So at first things will be tough, ut do the right thing for you and your baby. You don't need or deserve to be treated the way your boyfriend treats you. Get out while you can and if you need your moms help for a bit thats ok to. Thats what parents are for.

Take care and follow your heart!

Heather - posted on 12/09/2009

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leave - and don't go back. Believe me - he will never change and you deserve better than he is treating you. You child deserves way better too. Do what ever you can and take help from wherever it is coming from. If you have to live with your mom for a short time than do it - one more minute with that loser is one minute too long. Get out and save your child and yourself.

Capri - posted on 12/09/2009

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Some options, find a shelter, better yet....apply for public assistance and when it comes through just go and save every penny you can get your hands on. The public assistance will help you until you get on your feet.

Audrey - posted on 12/09/2009

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I can relate to a very similar situation. My first 2 kids dad was the same way. When I got pregnant with our daughter, these words actually came out of his mouth "I have you trapped now and you can't go anywhere". I guess since he 'had me trapped', he could treat me like crap. Verbally and mentally abusing me. I eventually ended up marrying him b/c we had a kid and stupid me thought having another would fix things. At 3 months pregnant, I up and left and never looked back. It was very hard and took me a few years to get on track but I now have a great new husband who loves my kids (and we just had one of our own), finished nursing school and have the best lie ever! It was so worth it in the end. I believe if your not happy, how can you children be? I refused to have my kids grow up in that environment. Show them what its like to either be a strong independent woman or what a good relationship should be.

Mikayla - posted on 12/09/2009

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It sounds like you need to leave him. You deserve someone who respects you and supports you. Don't feel like you should stay together just because of a baby. Do you want to spend years staying with him and struggling to be happy, or would you rather move on, and potentially find a man who will treat you and your daughter the way you should be treated!? Sadly, not all guys are cut out to be daddies, and just don't know how to handle the giant change in their lives.
You have to worry about you and your beautiful little girl. I know it is hard when you love someone, but you need to worry about your happiness first!

Kelly - posted on 12/09/2009

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Oh sweetie, I really feel for you. PND is hard for many ppl to understand. I can only speak from my own experience...I didn't suffer PND, but my daughter's father was horrible to me after we found out I was expectiong, even though she was planned. I wasn't brave enough to go it alone so I stayed with him for another 3 and a half years. Looking back I wish I had ended it while I was still pregnant. Being a single mum is hard I have done it for 15 years now, but I believe it was easier than staying with somebody who made me unhappy. Ultimately you are responsible for your own happiness your chap isn't responsible for your happiness. You deserve to be treated with love and respect (we all do) you have to decide what you want out of life. He is mentally abusing you and trust me that is as bad if not worse than physical abuse especially as you are vulnerable right now. You may not want to go back to your mother's, but you need to find a way out of your situation otherwise your baby is going to grow up thinking your relationship is the norm. Unfortunately you can't make your chap change you can only change yourself and your actions. Sending you a big hug. Remember you are a beautiful person and you deserve to be happy. Wishing you much luck and happiness in the future xxx

C. - posted on 12/08/2009

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I'm sorry you are going through this. I know this must be hard to deal with. But it sounds like he just won't change. You need to leave before he gets even worse, maybe even physical. You need to make sure that you and your baby are as safe as possible. If that man is emotionally abusive to you, he's not worth a split second of your time. Get out now before he does something dangerous. It is CRUCIAL to get you and your baby to a safe haven. Hope everything goes well and that you can find the strength to leave him. Keep us all posted! I think I speak for all of us on here when I say we want to make sure you and your baby are alright!

Tanya - posted on 12/07/2009

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i've been here and i was scared too. I was scared of taking care of a baby by myself, living with my mom with my daughter, him hurting me for leaving him, being alone. I had to leave though, it gets worse and worse. It was a bad break up and pretty graphic I am just glad my daughter was so young and doesn't remember. He threw things at me and got angry at first and then he turned sad and started crying and slitting his wrists and just a bunch of crap, he even threw my daughters bassinet at her, luckily someone was holding her and they moved out of the way! i am so glad I left thoguh. things are way better for me and my daughter now. I met someone new ( i didn't think anyone would want me with a child) there are men out there who will love you AND your child and treat you good. It's been almost 5 years since this happened and he doesn't have contact with my daughter (and doesnt care or want to), i have sole custody.sometimes having the "birth father" around isn't the best thing for your child

[deleted account]

Your boyfriend isn't giving you the respect you deserve and it would be best for you and your baby if you left. I left my first husband and it was very difficult but I took one day at a time and made it work. I didn't want to leave my job so going back home to my mom's wasn't even an option. I shared a townhouse with a few friends until I could afford to be on my own. I would have gone to a woman's shelter if necessary. But, keep in mind that if you do go home it would only be temporary and your mother would be a source of support and if she's willing, help with the care of your baby. Your the mother and the baby goes with you, end of story. Do not let your boyfriend's threats scare you. My ex husband made all kinds of crazy threats but only because he wanted things his way and he was trying to stay in control. Did your boyfriend sign the baby's birth certificate? If he did, then I would talk to a lawyer and find out about getting full custody of your daughter and child support from her dad. If he didn't sign it then the baby is legally your daughter and he would have to go to court to make a claim.

Shannon - posted on 12/07/2009

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Quoting Samantha:

Taping someone without their knowledge wont hold up in court.


That depends on what State you are in. In Oklahoma it will as long as one person (you) knows it is being recorded.

Brandi - posted on 12/07/2009

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if he thinks that you can leave but you cant take the baby he is very wrong. even if he is on the birth certificate he cant do anything if you leave with the baby. stay strong though. you have to do what you feel is best for you and your little one. no woman deserves to be treated like that. ever. i hope everything gets better for you.

Stacey - posted on 12/07/2009

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first of all GET OUT NOW!!! it will only get worse...do you want your daughter to grow up thinking that it is ok to treat people you "love" like that? second if you ARE NOT married you automatically have legal full custody of your child. he does NOT have any rights to keep her... but GET OUT NOW!!!! been there it will only get worse...what if he starts talking to her that way? you need to think about what is best for her in the long run.

Kayla - posted on 12/07/2009

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There are a lot of ladies giving the advice to leave and if it were me I would be gone. But none of us are you. You are the one who has to decide. You obviously feel hurt enough to call out for help in this situation so you are thinking about other options. I find what works best for me is to write a pro/con list and if the cons out weigh the pros then the decision is there in black and white for you. A lot of what holds people back is fear of the unknown but don't let fear hold you back from doing what is best for your daughter and yourself. Take some time to really think about everything and I really hope that your story ends well. Good Luck

Betsy - posted on 12/07/2009

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Quoting Heather:

OK... he's bipolar.. 1st he says the baby isn't his than he tells u if you leave u can't take her. F*** Him. You pushed her out he didn't. I'd just leave and check into a womens help center until he can get his head out his selfish ass.



Can we not through out terms like bipolar inaccurately? Bipolar is a very real condition that involves more than throwing out contrary statements when arguing. While any abuser may have a condition like bipolar, depression, PTSD or any number of conditions just like any human, they also might just be a plain abuser, and millons with all these conditions aren't abusers. They aren't synonymous. To throw out that term like that was is using it as an insult. There could be thousands of non-abusive moms who have this real condition, reading this and that is really offensive to them. I understand you may not have meant it in a harmful way, but knowing people who suffer from this, who are the furthest thing from abusive, using it in context trivializes their very real disease and really is extremely insulting.

Sharalyn - posted on 12/07/2009

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When a man tries to tell you, that you can leave but on his terms, that's when I would bring in a legal team. Do this the right way, you are not married to him, so legally he has no say in what you can do, especially with your child. The courts sympathize with the mother, rather then the father, and you will recieve full custody. I bet if you do leave, his attitude will change, maybe for the worse but nevertheless, you don't want to be stuck with an ignorant person for the rest of your life. Hope this helps.

Theresa - posted on 12/07/2009

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Think about your baby first. Is your boyfriend the type of man you want her to end up with? Is your relationship with him the type of relationship you wnt her to have some day? The way you are treated by a man is what she will grow up thinking is normal. I understand not wanting to go back to your mom's house, but would that be better for a short time so you can get on your feet and find your own place with your daughter. As far as him not letting you take the baby, he has no say. You're the mother. Courts everywhere will side with the mother over the father, provided she's a descent mother. If you leave and he follows and continues to be verbally abusive you can get a restraining order, which would help in a custody case if it ever came to that.

Lisa - posted on 12/07/2009

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you two being miserable is not good for the baby. the best thing is to leave him if he wont listen.. men that won't change for the better after a life that he helped create is brought into the world wont change. maybe if you give him some space and let him realize what he is missing will help. I know its tough to go back to your parents house, but sometimes as a mother you have to do what is best for your child. and seeing as your boyfriend seems mentally abusive it's not good for your child. and i totally agree with crystal down there in dont settle for less than your worth! and your worth a lot more than that

Amanda - posted on 12/07/2009

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been there, done that! my ex-husband was abusive in every form. started with verbal abusive and only got worse. he would call me names all the times and just put me down, make me feel like a total POS. i tried talking to him and that did nothing. im the type of person that believes that people can change, which yes they can but only when they realize they have a problem and want to change. However, the situation just got worse and he became very physical with me. i always said to myself that i would NEVER live like that....well...i did! i wanted him to change so bad and i wanted us to work out. but the thing that i had to realize was, yes he was doing this to me....but was hurting my kids worse. he may not have hit them but they were watching this and seeing how to treat a woman...and that is NO way to be treated! so like you for a long time (4.5 years) i stayed and put up with it and kept telling myself it was going to get better, but the truth is...it wasnt! so even though it was the hardest thing i had ever done and it hurt so much, i had to realize that the situation was hurting my kids and i left! he worked long hours, and while he was at work i had my family and friends help me get all our stuff. you have to think about the baby! would you want her to stay with a man thats treating her this way?

Michelle - posted on 12/07/2009

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GO HOME NOW!!! Where you and your baby can have the love and support you both need!!! He wouldn't act that way if he was a grown man that respect and loved you both!!!

Dina - posted on 12/07/2009

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The best thing for you to do in a situation like this in my opinion to think of your child. Do you think that it's best for her to be raised in an environment like that, where she will think that this form of abuse is normal? The first relationship women have is with their father and that will, in most cases, set the path for any and all future relationship's with men and I'm sure you don't want her to end up with a man who laugh's at her, calls her names and belittles her. I think in most cases we as women stay in relationships like the one you're describing because we're afraid of the unknown and we're afraid of change, we're afraid of being alone, but what you should be afraid of is what your life will be like in 5 years, because if you think he's going to change, he won't. People don't change, if anything things can potentially get worse for you and your daughter. I'm assuming you're somewhere in the U.K. Since you're online perhaps you can search for organizations that can help you? Good luck to you and your baby, and remember that you are worth it, and you are stronger than you think. The first step is to love yourself enough to want better for your little baby.

Alison - posted on 12/07/2009

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Sweetheart, do not expect him to change. I understand that it must be hard for you to find the strength to do this if you are battling depression. Try to get in touch with a social worker to help you through this on the emotional and practical level.

Your boyfriend is ABUSIVE. You do not want to be the battered woman who stands by her man. Do not trust your emotions, they are betraying you. Get out of this before he destroys you completely.

Stephanie - posted on 12/07/2009

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It just occurred to me, you said boyfriend not husband, Did you fill out the required paperwork for him to be on the birth certificate? If he is not, then he has NO claim to that baby without your consent or a paternity test.

Heather - posted on 12/07/2009

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OK... he's bipolar.. 1st he says the baby isn't his than he tells u if you leave u can't take her. F*** Him. You pushed her out he didn't. I'd just leave and check into a womens help center until he can get his head out his selfish ass.

STORMY - posted on 12/07/2009

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You have a problem there. I would contact a womans resource center or friends. Do you have a job. You need a way to support yourself and child. If you arejust looking for things to get better and you have already tried talking to him....... Do you understand its like the best answer to the meaning of insanity

Doing something over and over ..expecting a different out come.

It just isn't going to happen.

My advice is have a job and move out. There are great men in this world .....they are just hard to find.

Dana - posted on 12/07/2009

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that is your child that your carried for 9 months and continue to care for....he has no right to tell you that you can leave without your child!

Stephanie - posted on 12/07/2009

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Your baby is fully aware of what is going on, and it will effect her sense of security. I agree that you should leave him, although that is a choice that only you can make. I also understand not wanting to go to your moms, is there any where else you can go? If not then do it, but get a job and get on your feet as soon as possible. With independence you will get back your self worth and start to break out of the cycle. If you are afraid of him taking the baby, then yes record him several times when he doesn't know and keep records of everything. And remember, most courts still grant custody to the moms, especially if you can prove he is an abuser, be it physical emotional, verbal etc. its still abuse. Usually the first stage of an abuser is isolation, they manage to make you feel like you cant count on anyone, or they chase your friends and family off, then they verbally and emotionally beat you down, and as was said before its not a big leap from that to physical abuse. Be wary of the honey moon stage, where they apologies and are absolutely wonderful for period of time and swear never to do it again. It doesn't last, after a while they go right back to abusing you. And remember this, if he treats you like this what's to keep him from someday doing the same to your daughter? You have a tough decision ahead of you, but in your heart you know what the right thing to do is. Just look at that sweet baby girl and ask yourself does she deserve this? Does she deserve to have you not be able to be there for her 100% because of this person. Are you going to let him continue doing this to the both of you? Because don't kid yourself, what he does to you does affect your baby. If you cant do it for yourself, do it for her. And again, if you are afraid of what he will do, leave when he isn't home, and don't let on that you are. If he takes the car keys, have a friend come get you if you have to. You are not helpless, no matter how bad things may seem. Remember that.

Ashley - posted on 12/07/2009

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Laugh right back at him. Tell him he's a fool. And he'll be regretting this when your gone. Then garnish his wages. On the fact of the baby, call the police and say his abusive verbally and your afraid he will get physical. They'll sort him out.

I'm in that same situation. And I told my boyfriend it's my way or the highway and he wants to see his son again he better start walking my road. He then decided he was gonna lay his hands on me and now he's living with his mom and doesn't see his son without supervision.

Leea - posted on 12/07/2009

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i was in a realtionship like that but you gotta think wats better for you child ....do you want her to think thats how your supposed to be treated?

Dawn - posted on 12/07/2009

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YOu have to love yourself and your child more than you love him. Would you want someone to talk to your daughter that way? YOu are worth more than that. I know how it feels but I did it with four kids. It's hard but I wouldn't change a thing. If you have to go to your moms it doesn't have to be forever. Be strong all his negative could make your PND worse!

Andrea - posted on 12/07/2009

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You need to listen to Dr. Laura for one and she will help you get the courage to leave him...you need to go home to you mom and dad and just raise your kid with their love and support! Also you need to stop thinking about guys and having anyone else until your child is up and out! This is all what Dr. Laura says btw. I really hope this helps. Your child is more important than any crazy bf. Why would you not want to protect yourself along with your daughter? You need to show her that you care for her well being now by getting out of this whole mess you created for her...she deserves better and you both need to be happy with one another and your parents.

Tiffany - posted on 12/07/2009

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He has no right to tell you that you can leave, but you can not take the baby, if he is not willing to help you take care of her, then you need to do what is right for yourself and her. Never let a man dictate to you what you can and can not do if he is not a willing and helping partner. You can do bad by yourself.

Betsy - posted on 12/07/2009

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It is abuse, and this is what your child is seeing that will teach her what is acceptable in relationships and how men are suppose to treat you. Maybe focus on that aspect for her. You should check domestic violence resources. There will be an advocate at your local court, at least in the US. Seeing a therapist is very recommended to help you find the strength in yourself. It is obvious that you have low self-esteem to allow someone to treat you that way, and his behavior is purposely causing your self-esteem to diminish. That is how is becomes able to treat you that way. The more he puts you down, the less you feel about yourself and question your worth, so that eases his insecurities and increases your dependency on him. It will not get better, unless he took full ownership (and not just in the honeymoon period right after abuse) and he seeks long term help as an abuser.

A true man emotionally supports and protects his family. This guy is doing neither with this behavior. You need to realize you deserve better and you are worth more than the treatment you are tolerating. An abuser is actually a very weak and insecure man. You are probably a lot stronger than him, and you just need to find that and reclaim it. There are resources out there, and all it takes is a phone call to find out your options. As the previous poster stated, a man who doesn't have any respect for you, which is a requirement to treat you as such, most likely will cross the line in lashing out physically because he doesn't have boundaries, and by that time women tend to feel so defeated and unimportant by years of emotional and verbal abuse, it is very difficult to get out when the physical abuse starts. You see a problem now, you're a smart woman so act and reclaim your voice. Be the female role model of what you want to teach your daughter and owning her own happiness and voice.

Legally. keep a written log of every abusive incident, dated and detailed and keep it HIDDEN WELL. That documentation does hold weight in showing a pattern of abuse.

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