I dont want my daughter to hate me, but I have caused my boyfriend to

Monique - posted on 07/15/2015 ( 9 moms have responded )

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Hi, my name is Monique and I am new to the group. My now 5year old daughter, lost her biological father to murder, right in front of her eyes. She was 14months at the time and she does not remember a thing of that horrible day. I thank God for sparing her life and I thank him that she does not recall that day. I allow my daughter to go spend time with her aunt and her big cousins. That is her family, why deny her and them of a relationship. I have been with my boyfriend off and on for almost 16 yrs. I have been with him this time for 4years straight and we have children together as well. MY daughter knows my boyfriend as, "daddy." I allowed her to call him that on her own. I introduced him to her by his first name and the relationship they grew into one day she just called him daddy and neither one of us knew what to do, so we just let her be. My boyfriend hates me for allowing my daughter to be around her family. I feel he is wrong. I have to allow my daughter to know the truth because I don't want her to grow up hating me. I don't feel she will love her" daddy" any less. I feel she will love and respect us more when she learns the truth and can look back and say thank you for telling her the truth. Am I wrong for allowing my daughter to be around her family? She doesn't know yet about her biological father, she just knows that her aunt and her cousins are her aunts and her cousins, family. As II write this my daughter is with her family now and well, my so called boyfriend is gone and texted telling me how much he hates me and how he is gonna sleep with every female he sees. Thank you for listening. Please respond. I feel like crap.

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Michelle - posted on 07/15/2015

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You are right to keep the contact between your daughter and her bio family.
Your boyfriend is an ass and if that's what he's texting you because she is seeing her family then maybe you need to look at your relationship.
Why is he so adamant that she not know her own family? Is he scared that she will choose them over him? The way he's acting she very may well.

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Monique - posted on 07/16/2015

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Yes Dove. you are so right. Thank you. My daughter is still at her aunts house and her and her family are enjoying one another. I just spoke with her again. I am praying for strength and guidance Dove. Thank you again. God bless.

Dove - posted on 07/16/2015

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He needs to grow up and get over himself. I hope you have the strength necessary to cut him out of your daughter's life. I can imagine this will be a bit complicated if you share children w/ HIM... but do not allow him to poison your mind or emotionally harm your daughter. She has a right to know of her biological family... period... and anyone that can not accept that does not need to be involved in her life.

Monique - posted on 07/16/2015

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He is afraid that she will forget about him. I told him, the bond that they share is strong. The only people that could break it is my daughter or himself. She has a right to know about her bio father, point blank. No one can ever take his place, that's it. Thank you Michelle. I took a good long look into this relationship and girl, its time to let it go, easier said than done. Talk to you soon.

Monique - posted on 07/16/2015

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Yes, Michelle. My daughter is still with her family as we speak, enjoying herself. Its sad how some people are. I spoke with my boyfriend today and while he is saying he understands, he did not apologize for the awful things he said. I feel he meant every word. He has issues. Lol. Thank you again. I appreciate your kind words of truth and understanding. God bless.

Monique - posted on 07/16/2015

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Thank you Raye. I totally defend my children. My daughter is still at her aunts house enjoying herself. You made a lot of points. Thank you again. God bless.

Raye - posted on 07/16/2015

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If he is threatening to sleep with other people, he doesn't love you. If he's trying to punish you for letting your daughter see her family, he doesn't love you. And he doesn't love her if he is trying to limit the amount of love she can receive from or give to others.

If a parent has two kids, the parent's love is not split 50/50 between them. Parents love their kids completely (but differently). It's the same with kids. Kids can love many people without it diminishing their capacity to love more people. If he's so insecure, then that's his problem, not hers and not yours.

You are in a very unhealthy relationship with this guy and both seem to be very unhappy. Why continue the emotional rollercoaster with this guy when you keep ending up hurt? If he's like this after 16 years (off and on), he's not going to change. It's not going to get better. He's like a security blanket that's infested with bed bugs and fleas... you get eaten up the more you try to hold it, but somehow can't seem to give it up. It's really sad. You need to take up for your children. You need to take up for yourself.

I realize you have kids with this guy, but it's time to remove any further romantic interaction with him and focus on having healthier relationships with your kids and maybe (in the future) with a man that will treat you with respect.

Michelle - posted on 07/16/2015

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The way you bring up your daughter has no affect on any of your boyfriend's family. They need to stay out of your business and the way you raise her.
You stick to your guns, your daughter is the only person who counts in all of this so you need to be strong for her.

Monique - posted on 07/15/2015

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Thank you Michelle. I feel better. I do believe he feels that way. Honestly, he shouldn't. He should be grown and mature enough to know that the relationship him and my daughter has is unbreakable unless he breaks it. His mom is sorta not wwanting my daughter to have communication with them. Maybe it has to do wit the circumstances of the murder, but her aunt n cousins have nothng to do wit the tragedy that happened to my daughters father. I was crying today and reflecting on my "relationship", with this guy that just hurts me over and over again. I did relay to him not to come back to my home. for him to stay with the other girls and I would mail his stuff to his aunts house for him. I love him I do. Being with him has my self esteem so low. Thank you though Michelle.

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