I feel abandoned after my miscarriage

User - posted on 05/31/2015 ( 2 moms have responded )

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My partner and I have a beautiful 1 year old daughter and have been together off and on for 2 years. We have had a lot of ups and downs, but recently turned a corner where he finally sat down and said how happy he was with me and our family and wanted a future together. Long story short, we were not very serious when we conceived our daughter and he had some sowing of his oats to do still.

He is in the military and distance is a factor right now, but right before he left for this assignment, I found out I was pregnant. We were both so happy and this is the most loving, attentive and happy I have ever seen him. Sadly, I went in for my 10 week ultrasound and the baby had stopped growing and there was no heartbeat. I ended up having an emergency D&C to stop hemorrhaging and since this ordeal, he is distant. I used to hear from him every day, every other at most and I would get messages like "hello beautiful! Have a great day" or things like "I am thinking of you". Now, days go by and conversations are initiated by me. His responses are short and I feel like he is emotionally cut off from me. I told him how damaged I feel and how this is really affecting me and he tried to reassure me that he is still on board with our family, being together, and having another baby, but his distance is making me feel like he has once again changed his mind. His personality is one where if he feels backed into a corner, he will shut down, so I have been giving him space, but I feel like I am losing him. Now that I am no longer pregnant that I am useless now.

Has anyone else had this happen to them?

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User - posted on 05/31/2015

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Thank you. I am sorry for your loss as well. It's absolutely devastating to lose a baby. I really hope he does come around. He has verbalized that he is heartbroken that I am going through this by myself, but then dropped off. I am hoping he is just being a guy and grieving in his own way and that by giving him space, he will get it out of his system too. I know I need to take care of myself and our daughter and while she is great and wouldn't know the difference, I just can't help but feel that I am looked at like less of a woman because I lost the baby.

Stephanie - posted on 05/31/2015

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I feel like it's very selfish of him not check up on you because men don't know what it feels like to bear a child and lose them and be physically connected to your child.. He should be calling and making sure you're okay.. I think you should stop initiating conversations and let him be in his hole. He is not the only person that lost the baby and it's harder for the mother more than anybody.. I'm not saying he's a bad person or anything but you have to worry about yourself for this moment you have to take care of your other child and deal with this. You are not useless but it's up to him to reassure that you aren't. Not by words but by everyday actions and conversations. I had a miscarriage about 3 weeks ago and my partner cheated on me and we broke up and I didn't tell him until a few days ago and he was so hurt and upset and now he checks on me and apologizes and and all that.. men have their ways but we have to stop putting our feelings aside for them especially at a time like this your body and mind have to heal and he should be there for you and checking on you no matter how hard it is.. You guys need to be there for eachother. I wish you all the best but he'll come around he just had his hopes up

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