I feel like a bad mom either way it seems??

Micheal - posted on 01/10/2012 ( 67 moms have responded )

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I'm pregnant again. My son is 4 mo. He's a preemie. His adjusted birthday just went past this december. I'm a high school drop out just recovered from drugs and the guy I got pregnant by I don't know. I felt so depressed and I still do. I feel like a failure and a whore. I have no help from either of their father's. No family support. The only real reason I'm pregnant is because I needed to get high and had no money. My family says I need an abortion. I considered adoption. But I feel so depressed while pregnant. I can't even get out of bed. I have a job live pay check to pay check and live in a studio with my son. I need to push through but right now I'm just downspiralling. I don't know what to do. Advice? What can I do now? I have to do what's best for my lo right. I'm 18 and I have called both an agency to place for adoption and a clinic to terminate just today. It felt like a relief thinking of if it were over. But I'm so scared. And I feel bad if I do either I'm just admitting I'm a bad mom either way. I thought I could get my act together. But now everyone has to know in the family...

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Kellie - posted on 01/10/2012

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Those decisions? The ones making you fee like a bad Mum? THOSE are the decisions that make you an EXCELLENT Mother.

Doing right by your child wether it be terminating or adopting out because this is just not the time or right thing to do by having and keeping your baby IS what's making you a good Mum.

Only you can decide which is the right way to go, abortion isn't easy and you need to be prepared for the aftermath if that's the route you go, but if you know in your heart that's the right thing for you and your unborn baby then that's the right thing to do. Likewise for adopting your baby out, if you feel you can carry to term and give your baby to people who will be his or her parents, the go for it.

Right now you need to do what's best for you and your son.

RoxAnne - posted on 01/11/2012

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Oh, Dear! Please know if you give your baby to someone else it is NOT a bad thing! Please know if you decide to give both of your babies up for adoption it is NOT a bad thing! Try a private adoption, where you chose who gets your babies! You will know they are loved and wanted! And you are doing good for them, too. Go to rehab and focus on yourself and get yourself better! Do not feel guilty because you are stressed out! Love your babies and yourself! Focus on what you can do that is good and move forward. Leave drugs behind - you can do it! Loving someone is wanting what is best for THEM- not what we want or desire, but what THEY need. If you are honestly thinking you are unable to take good care of them, then don't let them suffer with you. xo swallow your pride and go on, Get better.

Micheal - posted on 01/10/2012

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I'm confused what I want to do. Like I read the reviews for the clinic and now I'm feeling really bad. I guess. I knew what I wanted before family interference. It's just hard to push through. Plus I feel like everytime I talk about my reason for adoption I always get the feeling I'm being looked down on plus they have to know everything it seems. I wish it were a way to more privacy really...

Amanda - posted on 01/16/2012

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A lot of the information people are giving in this thread is entirely false or misleading.



Abortion is a decision about pregnancy, adoption is a decision about parenting. She has a third option: seeking support and keeping her baby. People suggest adoption to complete strangers so casually it boggles my mind. We are talking about your child living with another family here...how easy does that really sound?



Research does not indicate an increase in depression rates among women who have had an abortion. It is, however, significant among mothers who have surrendered to adoption. How can anyone but her own health care professionals predict for her how she will or won't feel?



Adoption is about finding a family for a child in need if a child's original family cannot be preserved. I really find it unnecessary to remind an expectant mother who has fallen on hard times about all of the couples "desperate for a baby.". It is not her job or her baby's job, to solve another person's problems. We are talking about her desperate state here and yet people respond with what she can go ahead and provide for someone else?



The OP is intelligent enough to make a decision for herself without the "loving, selfless" rhetoric of adoption or the misinformation that comes with encouraging a woman not to explore her health care options if she no longer desires to be pregnant. Decisions should be made based in conviction, not guilt. Bottom line, a licensed counselor competent in these issues should be the one helping her through this.



OP, I wish you the very best outcome. ((hugs))

LaLasha - posted on 01/15/2012

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You need to do what I'd tight for you and your sobriety end of story. If that is giving your children up for adoption then to that. If it is aborting one do that. No one can judge you but your higher power. Do you have a sponcer? Are you involved in a recovery program? If you aren't find one. Go to a meeting and don't pay attention to the ugly things your mind is saying. that is just your inner addict trying to get you loaded. And call your local WIC office or dshs office if you need help they can give it. Nothing wrong with taking a hand-up.

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RoxAnne - posted on 07/31/2012

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WHAT HAS HAPPENED? We ALL want to know how you are doing and what you have decided! Please post!!! We all hope good things have happened for you and your babies!

Kari - posted on 01/18/2012

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Do what you have to, to take care of yourself. If you feel that you are not ready to get off of the drugs, than maybe an abortion is a viable option for you. No baby deserves to be born addicted to drugs. That being said, if you are ready to get clean and do what is best for your children, there are many families out there that cannot have children of their own, and that would be a loving option for your baby. Best of luck to you!

Lindsey - posted on 01/17/2012

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I am a pro-choice person. I think that every women has the right to choose what to do with her body. However, individuals that are ready to go through with an abortion do not waver. They know that is what they need/want to do. Since you are considering either option and you have looked into both, I think you should talk to a counselor at a drug/crisis center or a center for women who are pregnant and need support. There are a host of centers that will help you get clean, give you counseling and offer some support for you and your son. I don't think you should choose abortion just because your family is recommending it to you. My parents recommended it to me and were almost forcing it on me and I was 25 years old, had a full time career and was living with my fiance for over 2 years. They just weren't on board with me having a baby before I was actually married. I called the clinic and set up the appointment and they told me, "YOU ARE DOING THIS FOR ALL THE WRONG REASONS." "You can not choose abortion because your family tells you too, you have to do it because you want to." After that conversation, I left the clinic and went forward with my pregnancy with a rushed marriage that was not what we had planned, but it was what it was. What I am basically saying is that you should not do something because your family tells you to. It is ONLY if you want to and think it is the best option for you. I wish we could all tell you what to do, but in the end, its only up to you. 6 years ago I asked my husband if he wanted me to have an abortion, and he said, "It doesn't matter what I want, its your body, your choice." To this day, he says it doesn't and didn't matter what he wanted, just what I wanted. So now I have given you all that, I hope that gives you better insight into your thoughts and how they are warranted. If you are struggling with all the options, you need to find a crisis center in your area and they can advise and find you some help.



I also recommend going to planned parenthood and getting on birth control for sure, until you are ready to have more kids and be the mom you know you can be.



I honestly think you are very good mother, very brave, for really being just a kid yourself. You are only 18 and look at what you are handling and the very adult decisions you have to make. You should not be hard on yourself, but force yourself to get in a good place by getting help, getting clean and then making the decision that is best for you!!



Good luck. I really hope that you can find some support from crisis counselors in your area, really get some clarity so you can make the best decision for you and your son.



Lindsey

Stephanie - posted on 01/17/2012

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Please don't get an abortion! That beautiful baby inside you is a blessing and could fulfill one family's dream. Adoption is a very difficult decision, but a loving one, not one that makes you a bad mom! Try to stop thinking badly of yourself at all.. You have been through a lot and have many seeming obstacles in your way right now. Just remember, God only gives us that which we can handle.. You can do this, and it may very well help turn your life around. I work at a crisis pregnancy center/family care center.. I don't know where you're at, but see if there is any place like that in your area, NOT Planned Parenthood.. I don't know what your beliefs are but I promise you a church family can offer a great deal of support and help you through many things you never thought you'd be strong enough for. Places like where I work, can help in many ways as well.. We offer mentoring, help in placing the baby for adoption, or help in readying your life for parenting the child, if that is your decision. If you do end up with an abortion, please consider a place like this for post counseling as well.. you may feel at first like you're fine with it, but I promise, it will eventually haunt you. Whatever decision you make please remember you're not alone! There are people out there who love and will help you, even if you don't know them yet! I pray that you will find the help you need with everything! ♥

Diana - posted on 01/17/2012

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Perhaps you can start by getting help for yourself. You have decisions ahead of you that are not easy and no one should have to go through them alone. I would recommend getting help for your depression first. You could try The Crisis Pregnancy Center. They have counselors available 24-7 (800) 395-Help http://thecrisispregnancycenterct.org/Se... They can help you with ALL of your options and decide which is best for you whether it is to keep them, adoption, abortion, whatever. They should be able to get you in contact with government agencies & assistance for whatever you decide. There is no right or wrong decision, but it is difficult to make a decision that you are at peace with if you are confused and have no support helping you to work through this. My sister was in a similar situation when she was 18 & had 3 kids in a row (& kept them because that was the right decision for her) all while dealing with our mother just passing, our father passed when she was 4, bipolar disorder due to being abused from the time she was 4-14. She did drugs and didn't look like she was going down the right road. She quit drugs once her kids came, but suffered from social anxiety so bad that she couldn't even go for a gallon of milk by herself. After being hospitallized twice for severe depression related to the bipolar disorder she started to pull herself together. She told me that she decided that she refused to let something that someone else did to her cause her to be a victim & ruin her life. It took several years, but she got her GED, went to school to get her degree as a medical assistant, now has a job in a doctor's office, & just signed up to go to school to be an RN! If anyone ever would have told us that she was going to accomplish all of that by the time she turned 33, I never would have believed them. Was it difficult? You bet, but she is extremely stubborn and was determined to prove everyone who ever said she was never going to amount to anything wrong. Don't underestimate yourself because few situations are permanent. You are not a bad mom if you are trying to make things better regardless of what you decide to do. ~Deep breaths & hugs~ I'm rooting & praying for you, hun. :)

Sherry - posted on 01/17/2012

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All you can do is learn from your mistakes and move on. It's not easy getting off drugs and being on your own at such a young age. A bad Mother wouldn't have gotten off the drugs. A bad Mother wouldn't be trying to do better. You are not a bad Mother.



As far as adoption or abortion goes, that's a very difficult decision. Do you feel like you can live with it, if you have an abortion? Or would this worsen the depression you are already feeling? If you carry your baby to term, would you be able to give him/her up? How would you feel about giving your baby to a couple that desperately wants a child and would cherish him/her always? Or would you be able to financially and emotionally take care of another child?



I wish I had some good advice but I don't. Some will say abort the baby, some will say put the baby up for adoption and others will say raise the baby yourself, but none of us can be in your shoes and totally understand your situation. You will know what to do. Just take some time to really think it over because either way you decide, this will have a strong impact on you.

Liz - posted on 01/17/2012

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Many are telling you to go with adoption. I think you need to go with what is right for you and your current child. This might be adoption or aborton or you may keep this child. That really is your choice.



You mention that you have a history of drug use are currently depressed and your current child was born premature. I would urge you to seek medical care for your addiction and depression. If you cannot take care of yourself you cannot take care of your current child or your pregnancy. I wish you the very best. In parting i would like to say that no matter your decision it will be difficult and uncomfortable. The decisions that shape our lives are not the easy ones.

Candace - posted on 01/17/2012

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What do you think will make you most proud, sacrificing a few months of discomfort and giving your baby a chance at life (whether it be adoption to a good family or staying with you) or terminating your baby's life?

The hardest things are usually the right things to do. It seems as though you have taken the easy way out in many of your life choices. Ask yourself if it hurt you or helped you.

Giving is what makes us feel good about ourselves. Give the baby a chance at life with a family who would love to raise a child, and you have created good out of bad.

User - posted on 01/17/2012

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Admitting you need help does not make you a bad mom. Adoption can be the right thing for you to do and in some cases can even stay in touch with adopting family if you so both choose.



Keeping the baby when you cannot provide when there are others out there who can is selfish

Stephanie - posted on 01/17/2012

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Addoption is a great option if you feel it's best for your baby. However if you dont want the trauma, try abstinence or birth control.

Jasmine - posted on 01/16/2012

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A mother who give her child a better life, through adoption is the embodiment of a good mother. It is a loving and selfless act, what better define the characteristic of a good mother. I am blessed with a strong biological family, but my church family has been there for me during my dark time. If your bio family is not supportive, look for support elsewhere, local place of worship or a crisis pregnancy center. You will need support if you are going to stay clean. Don't be ashamed to ask for help and realize that it might not come in the way you wanted or expected. Try not to worry about what others may think of you. You are not a whore or addict, you were made in God's image,as your children are, and he wants you free from the slavery of drugs. Don't be discouraged and I will pray God bring some divine support your way.

Dorothea - posted on 01/16/2012

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Micheal, you are in a tough situation. That does not make you a bad mother. You admit you have problems, who doesn't? (I'm not judging you. I mean it. I'd love to meet the person who doesn't have any issues.)



First things, first. You don't have the ability to take care of a second child. This child, has the ability to change the world. (Look at Steve Jobs.) If you have depression issues now, they will be 10 times worse if you abort. Any honest woman who's gone through one will tell you it doesn't end when the baby is gone.



Second: You have a preemie. Speaking from experience, it's HARD. (My oldest son was born at 28 weeks gestation, 11 weeks early.) You have to be totally honest with yourself, do you have the ability to take care of him? If not, you may consider putting him up for adoption too. (I'm really not trying to sound judgmental, and I'm so sorry if it sounds like I am.) I know that even with out the drug issue, I have depression issues, but I have a stable family, and I still found it almost impossible at times. It has gotten somewhat easier as he's gotten older, but we're still doing therapies weekly, and see all sorts of specialists.



What's best for you? That's only a question you can answer. What do you want to do with your life? Where do you want to be in 5 yrs? Sit down with someone you respect and who respects you and come up with a plan. (It' s important they respect you!! You have to be honest with them and yourself and that can be very hard.) Find a rehab program to kick the drugs. Easier said than done I know, but it's not impossible and you have us as a sounding board when needed.



You need a support system where you are and it sounds like you don't have one right now. Talk with your sons pediatrician and see if there are any support groups in your area. Talk with your OB and ask if they know of any support groups. Talk with the family resource department at your local hospital. They should be able to help you. You have to be totally honest with them though.



Good luck and God bless you and your little ones.

Jen - posted on 01/16/2012

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Sometimes the best way to take care of your child is by admitting you are not able to give them the life they deserve and choosing a family that is able to do that. Adoption does not makes you a bad mother. There are a lot of families who would love to have a baby and can't, or who have the resources to take care of another and want to do so. I always think adoption is a better choice than termination but, you know what is best for you. You still have another baby to take care of so you need to think about him too. I know people who have terminated a pregnancy and were able to move on with their life and others who have terminated and started binge drinking and doing drugs. With your drug history you need to do what is going to be the best for you emotionally because you need to be able to take care of your son. I obviously think you should seriously consider adoption but, if you choose abortion that doesn't make you a bad mom either. It just means that was the best decision for your situation. Good luck and I hope you're able to make a decision you can come to peace with

Merry - posted on 01/16/2012

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You can always just place this second baby in an adoptive home and keep your firstborn.

It doesn't have to be keep both or adopt out both.

4 months is a lot of bonding and I'd never ever imagine a mom being able to give up a baby after that long.

Carol - posted on 01/16/2012

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you are young yes but being a mum is a big job and you are not married to it is your decension what to do as you have one child to look after and so young as well you are not a bad mum if you decide to do either one as i adopted when i was 15 and every year on his birthday i remembered then one day i got a letter from a agency saying your son wonts to meet you he was in his 20 and i did as i have 4 daughters now and and he then has 4 half sisters so it all works out in the end so i wish you luck on what you decide to do iam shore if you speack with your doctor they can help in counciling or just to talk with some one good luck

Bethany - posted on 01/16/2012

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Hi, I just want you to know that by thinking about your son makes you a good mom, I placed my son up for adoption when I was 18. It was the hardest decision I have ever made but I know it was the best choice. If you need to talk feel free to send me a message. I hope you feel better soon.

Tina - posted on 01/15/2012

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The fact that you are seeking advice/help, shows that you care about the outcome.



My husband & I have been married for 21 yrs, with 4 wonderful children, 3 who walk, 1 who flies. We lost our youngest son when he was 5.5 days old unexpectantly. It's hard to believe it will be 5yrs this coming April. It seems like it just happened. Our only option to raise another child is through adoption. But, to be honest, unless someone comes to us, we can't afford it the traditional way. We have looked into foster care, but that has taken just as long. Our oldest is in the Air Force, we have a daughter who is in the 8th grade & our youngest now is in the 5th grade.



You have been blessed with not 1, but 2 children. There are so many options out there. You also have to realize that if you do decided to place your 4 month old son & the baby you are carrying now, up for adoption, it doesn't mean 1), that you don't love them or 2), that you will never see them again. There are so many out there that are willing to do an open adoption or a semi open adoption (we are more than willing to do this), You are trying to figure out what is best for your children, and if that means having someone who will love them & take care of them, then that is the best thing. You need to take care of yourself as well & get the help you need to get through what you are going through.



The decision is ultimately yours, and you will have to live with it, but I think in this situation, if you can't get the help you need from either father or from your own family members, the best option all around, would be adoption. Look for a family that has what you would always want for your children; to be loved, to be well cared for, to be encouraged & supported while growing up, to help them reach whatever goals they have.



Good luck in your decision, you can always contact me if you feel you need someone to talk with.

Michelle - posted on 01/15/2012

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If you decide you dont think you are capable of looking after your baby then I would consider adoption, later on you may feel guilty if you get an abortion but with adoption at least your baby will have a chance, and you will know that he/she is being looked after. Have you looked into any courses that can help you finish your schooling? My partner had the same issue and recently got into a free course that will help him finish his schooling at a university. You can do anything you need to sit down and look at your gorgous child and get the determination to be a good mum. (im not meaning you are a bad mum your just in a bad place at the moment from the sounds of it, that in no way means you are a bad mum.) Try going for walks to make yourself feel btr I know its hard to get the motivation to get up (I have the same issue sometimes and my daughter is 20mths) but a walk in the sun really makes you feel btr just clear your head and focus on the first issue at hand.

Susan - posted on 01/15/2012

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You've got a lot on your plate and it sounds like you are making some tough decisions only a loving mother would make. That's doing what's best for your children no matter how much it hurts you. I would consider giving up both kids for adoption for their well being and yours. It will give you a chance to get clean and stable. Good luck!

Katherine - posted on 01/15/2012

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My greatest advice to you is to go and get some advice from counselor who can help you work through the decision making and make sure you are taking care of yourself, mentally and physically. You can't go through this alone and you don't have to, no matter your decision about your current pregnancy. You already have one child depending on you and it sounds like you are in a very fragile emotional state; even without this pregnancy, abortion or adoption, you need some support to stop the spiraling and help for your baby. This is a lot of stuff you are dealing with!! I can speak from experience that some good counseling can absolutely help you change your life around.

Please please seek out the support and help; it will be more of a relief to share the burden with someone who can give you an objective opinion about these things. Someone who is a trained counselor at a community clinic or such should be able to help...

I hope that you can find that help; these experiences will follow you for the rest of your life and your little one needs you to be strong. Things so far may have been hard but you always have the chance to turn it around and be happy. you deserve it!!

Donna - posted on 01/15/2012

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If you can't raise another baby than give this one up for adoption. There are so many loving couples that would cherish your baby. My husbands two sisters are adopted and they had a great life.

Thomasina - posted on 01/15/2012

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I think that adoption would be a good thing for you. It doesn't mean you are a bad mother it means that you love your baby more than yourself and you want to give it the life that you cannot provide for it. The fact that your family is suggesting temination tells me that they do not value your mental health or the baby's life. Abortion leaves scars and you should talk to a counselor before you make any decisions.

Kamilla - posted on 01/15/2012

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I agree to Loren Girardot! There are so many couples out there that can't have kids but wants one. If I were you I would never consider an abortion, it's still a living thing and it's a baby though it's in your body and I would give it away for adoption no matter what anybody else says! But it's still your decision and no one else can take that away from you! Remember that YOU are the one responsible and the one who needs to make the choice. Nobody else can make that for you. If you do not, you'll probably regret it your whole life, I know I would!



Good luck and hope everything turns out the best! Don't forget to pray, it helps always, as long as you have faith in what your praying for...



I'm also a young mother (23) and pregnant with my second child! If you want to talk I'm there for you, my e-mail address: kamilla.carlsson@gmail.com

Annabel - posted on 01/15/2012

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Its a hard decision only you can make, but your instinct that raising a second child isn't an option probably is right ... even 2 years apart, non preemies it is really hard work for two parents, let alone doing it alone. Do check out whether there is supported living available ... there are programmes for young mothers where you will get support - it could give you the help you need. Whatever you choose, I for one do not judge you ... you admit your mistakes, what matters is that you use this as a springboard to get your and your sons lives back on track. We all make mistakes.

Erica - posted on 01/15/2012

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sweetie who have made mistakes but it take a mom to realize that and want to get help and you have made the first step. get help for your addiction and being depressed and check agencies for help, i dont think you should do abortion especially if your far along. i think adoption is the best bc its giving a family a precious gift that they couldnt have and giving the baby a better life. now thats a mom. if you decided to give up ur son put them in the same family so they can grow up together. but i commend you are getting yourself help and asking for it. i wish you the best and if you need to talk or anyone email me at ericanyc069@gmail.com. check wic and other agencies for help local churches food pantries and even ur local pcts.

Jan - posted on 01/15/2012

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Michael, I hope that you find support to help you through this stage of your life. It's sad that your family is not helping out and actually making you feel worse...no one should have their family give them more burdens!



I think you have a lot of courage to come onto this site and admit you are having problems. That is a good start! Now you need actual flesh and blood friends or an organization that can give you face to face help. I hope the suggestions listed by Dorothy Young above gave you some resources to aid you through this tough time. Don't give up!

Sal - posted on 01/15/2012

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Your heart will know what is best for you, it looks like you hVe done your research and knowledge is power as the old saying goes, don't let your family sway you on what to do. It is you that will live and relive the choices you make now, not one of the choices you hVe are selfish or thoughless all 3 require loving responsible parent to make them and all 3 if made for the right reason are right... And all 3 will bring with it emotional stresses, it is this stress you will have to deal with so that you dont end up here again, get help for your depression and drugs so that any choice you make is made with the benefit of a clear mind, ask for help there are some amazing people out there (im

In aus so can't tell you who but a few people have already given you names) who are open and helpful to young mums and will support you in every step no matter what you feel is best, if you think aborton is your choice I would avoid a chuch group however as I can't see them

making you feel it was the right choice...

Alisa - posted on 01/15/2012

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Oh Honey, abortion is NOT the answer, adoption may be. Do you have a church that you are connected to? Your hope only lies with Jesus. He can get you through this. If you would like to talk more, email me @ alisajordan9@gmail.com.

Sheli - posted on 01/15/2012

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You have several things happening. Psychological drug withdrawal, possible post-partum depression, a newborn, pregnancy, and the weight of the world on your shoulders. The only suggestions I have for you are these...

1. Please seek medical help, for the drugs and possible post-partum.

2. It sounds corny, I know, but find a group. Whether that be Narcotics Anonymous or Alcoholics Anonymous. You and your baby would be welcome at either, and there is no fee for going. They can help you through days like this, the worst of the worst.

3. Remember that NO decision has to be made today. Take off some of that self-imposed pressure to move quickly and it will help you find clarity.

4. Adoption may be the best parenting decision you can make for your children. Keeping them may be. But don't take that entire decision onto yourself right here right now. The most important thing you can do for yourself and your children now is to stay sober today. That's it. Just stay sober today... worry about tomorrow when tomorrow gets here.

Jami - posted on 01/15/2012

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Micheal

I never reply to these posts, but my heart just breaks for you and your babies....and I just had to. I am so sorry that you are feeling so discouraged and it sounds like trapped by the decisions you have to make. Addiction and depression can both be so paralyzing. Please tell your doctor about all of your history because he/she might want to send you to a high risk pregnancy doctor to help you with your addiction and to get you further along in this pregnancy. They sometimes will use other meds to wean you off the drugs safely. There are also some antidepression meds safe in pregnancy. Also, if you can find an "abortion alternatives" agency they can support you through your pregnancy and help you make decisions. Abortion is a decision that many many women regret and you can't take it back. If you decide to go with adoption, that is, in my oppinion, to most selfless act that someone can do. There are so many awesome couple out there that can't conceive a child of their own and you would be giving them a chance at parenthood. I will be praying for you and know that there are a lot of others doing the same.

Amanda - posted on 01/15/2012

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Oops. My above comment should say *do not let how badly you feel to pressure you into adoption.



I really don't want to make this thread about me, my politics, or my beliefs but I will additionally suggest to check out resources other than just birthright. Www.cubirthparents.org may help balance and put into perspective the info birthright may give.



I also know about 100 mothers who have surrendered a child to adoption if you ever want tot talk to one.

Amanda - posted on 01/15/2012

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You are not a whore. There is no such thing as a whore.



What you need to do foremost is get help and not make any decision in a depressed state. Both adoption and abortion are permanent solutions to temporary problems. I encourage you to reach out to anyone you know and an trust for help and support. If you decide you do want to have the baby, you do not have to make a decision now or while pregnant about adoption. It is a misconception that you have to pre-birth match to choose an adoption, it isn't true. Make no hasty decisions for your baby. Find support; dly you feel to pressure you into terminating your parental rights if that isn't really what you want. You do not have to decide on adoption right this minute.



As an adult adoptee and feminist, I have been in the adoption community for over 26 years. There is nothing I want women to understand more than the fact that hard times happen and that each and every woman and mother out there is worthy of dignity and respect. Please do not be so hard on yourself. Talk with friends and family, visit your state's website about public assistance, check into a local WIC program. There are lots of options. ((hugs))

Elissa - posted on 01/15/2012

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Adoption please! You may have created this life for the wrong reasons, and I am praying that you can get help & escape this, but it is still an innocent life inside you. This baby could end up being a blessing to you and to the family who adopts this baby. There are many great crisis pregnancy centers that will help you through the pregnancy & the adoption process. Not sure where you live, but I am sure there is something. Please try to find somewhere to get help & someone to talk to. You can't & don't have to do this alone. You are loved & you are a good mother because you are trying and you are concerned for both your children! If you don't know where a crisis pregnancy center is try a local church, they may be able to point you in the right direction. Good Luck. God loves you & He will help you through. If you would like someone to "talk" to outside this forum setting email me (Lissa_ast@yahoo.com) take care of yourself & your babies!

Nathalie - posted on 01/15/2012

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Don't feel bad about giving your child in adoption. It's better you do it now than later when you still feel like that. Don't keep your other child it's not born yet. You are still really young. Get your shit together and time will bring you somebody good in life that you will DECIDE to have kids with. Good luck! :)

Kay - posted on 01/15/2012

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Michael, having a baby is never easy. You are already headed in the right direction. PM me or add me on Facebook if you ever need someone to talk to. I am wishing you the absolute best of luck.

Dorothy - posted on 01/14/2012

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You're welcome. I love them. They are 1st on the charities I support list. :)

Micheal - posted on 01/13/2012

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I was in rehab. So with this one I've been sober except for the very beginning. I decided not to abort. It's just still hard though...

Ann - posted on 01/13/2012

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I will be praying for u. You are not a bad mom. You just need some love and help. I hope at God will give u peace and help u with this.

Jesse - posted on 01/13/2012

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you are not a whore or a failure, but you do need to pull your self together for your children and start making some decisions! I don't believe that you are a bad person but you do need to change. I admire you for wanting the best for your children now you just have to follow through! Do not have an abortion! Weather you keep the baby or adopt it, that child does not deserve to die just because you needed drugs u made some bad choices yes! but now you need to start trying to make things right.... you need to get out of bed, see some sun light, go see a doctor and get some professional support and start been a good mother, your baby's deserve you to be a good mother! pull your self together for them!!!!!! exercise and good food help with depression make sure you talk to your doctor he will lead you in the right direction! good luck Micheal, I really hope that things work out for you and you get your life on track (hopefully with two beautiful baby's) Xx

Merry - posted on 01/13/2012

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You're not a bad mom.

Worrying and thinking about our faults is what makes us good moms.

And giving this baby up for adoption would make you a smart mom, not a bad mom!

If you know you want to raise the baby yourself then you can take steps to make a good life for you and your kids but even a stay at home married mom would struggle with baby's so close in age.

Are you in America?

Do you get state insurance?

Food stamps?

Wic?

These things are here specificly for women in your situation.

Assisted housing too.

Oh and I'd bet you qualify for reduced child care costs.

Seek help!

And adoption is a beautiful gift to any baby, there's so many private adoption agencies where you would be able to pick the family for this baby and know the family before giving up the baby to them.

Kay - posted on 01/13/2012

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Michael, you are going through a lot, and you are so young! Without support, and struggling with addiction, you are not in any position to be making decisions right now that will affect you for the rest of your life.



I highly recommend seeking out professional assistance. You need to get your mind clear--and preferrably sober--before you make any choices.



My oldest son was the turning point in my life. I do not know where I would be today without him, because my life was so dark and full of self-loathing. I only knew his sperm donor for a very short time, and I struggled with feeling like I had let down myself and my family after I found out. Aidan turned it all around for me--I began to see myself in a different light. I was a mom and this little person was depending completely on me. I had to put the dark behind me, because to do otherwise would be to let my little man down.



I am vehemently pro-life, so I don't ever recommend abortion. I don't look down on women that choose it, but I just can't recommend it.



However, I think you should seriously consider adoption. Your four month old is going to need all of your attention and support, and you have a lot on your plate at the moment. You would be giving your second child a chance to live and grow in a loving environment, while also making sure that you have the time and resources to care for your older child.



You are young and you can still turn your life around. Get help. Please. If you continue like this, the story can only end with tragedy for you, your children, or both of you.



Wishing you the very best of luck,

Kay

Tina - posted on 01/12/2012

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This is your child. If you're not comfortable having an abortion don't do it. If you can't turn to family a church isn't necessarily a bad thing. I'm not religious. But their are some nice people out their who can help you feel better about yourself and lift your spirits. You're not a bad mum if you consider adoption. Every mother makes a sacrifices and if you don't think you can support this child. Then you are doing the right thing the child gets a family and someone out their who is desperate for a child will have a child. I know it's hard but be strong if you feel adoption is your best option then don't let anyone tell you otherwise this is your child and your choice alone. Sometimes it's a matter of caring less of what others think and doing what you feel is right and what will make you feel better as a person. Non of these decisions will be easy but which one feels right. Trust your instincts.

Kathy - posted on 01/12/2012

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You are not a bad mother, you are someone that made some bad choices, don't beat yourself up, you will get no where...Look to your God with prayer, go to a local church on a Sun. wait till services are over & talk to the minister, there are a lot of people out there willing to help, but you have to get out of bed & show that you are tring. It will all come together which ever our God sees fit, & that is you, you are loved unconditionably. If you feel any danger to yourself or children, run don't walk to the first Shelter fo Women that will help you. Give yourself a break. I don't know you, & I don't know if I said the right things, but they came from my heart & I Love You...........♥♥♥

Jen - posted on 01/12/2012

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My husband had 2 abortions with his girlfriend before I met him. He still struggles with those choices. He cried himself to sleep for years afterward because of the guilt. It sounds like your not in a strong place with strong support around you to help you through the emotional repercussions that come from ending the life of a baby. My husband and I are planning to adopt one day and I know that it will take good mother's like you to give us that precious baby to love and be part of our family. There are so many families praying for babies, there is no reason to feel down on yourself if you give this baby a life with a family who has dreampt and prayed for him/her to come into their life. You should feel empowered, you can change the lives and destiny of a couple who is waiting. Blessings on you and your son and the new baby. Don't let anybody tell you how to live your life or what choices to make. You are a good mother and are doing what you think is best for your children.

Dorothy - posted on 01/12/2012

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Take your time. You have plenty. You can't be that far along as you have a 4 month old. You seem pretty split between abortion, adoption and keeping this baby. Obviously you can't undo abortion, so you need to take your time, talk to as many professional people as you can. Look for a pregnancy center that has assistance programs. They can help you find better housing for you and your son, a better job and can even help you with food and clothes. I'll look for some links to the ones I know.



Know that one of the marks of a loving mother is worry for your children and worry how what you do affects them. So in the concern department you are getting an "A".



HUGS!

Jen - posted on 01/12/2012

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Micheal, your son's prematurity is also a big factor here. It is extremely common for the parents of preemies (even without the other problems you're facing) to become depressed. My daughter was born at 27 weeks and spent 10 weeks in the NICU. It was a very dark time in my life, and the next couple years after that were spent keeping a close eye on her health and development. You may want to discuss what you're going through with your son's pediatrician because they may be able to give you advice about where to turn for help for yourself, as well as resources for keeping up with your son's health and development.

Kaitlin - posted on 01/12/2012

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Wow, that's quite a lot to handle. No wonder you're so emotional- you have quite a right to be- you have a lot going on and there seems to be no where to turn. There are many places you can go to talk to someone face to face about your emotions, problems, depression, and options. Shove all your regret out of your mind the best you can (I know it's hard) and continue to move forward. I strongly encourage adoption. You will spiral even lower, and that scares me from your emotional post, with an abortion. People never realize that it's not a one time fix, it haunts you for your whole life, and you can never take it back. You have a beautiful son that you're trying to care for. You can still do great by him! And this child could bless a family who can't have children of their own, who go month after month feeling like failures because they can't conceive, or who have had many many miscarriages. Talk to your doctor, you CAN take certain medications while pregnant for depression. And being pregnant may help you to stay clean, give you extra motivation. It's going to be hard. There are some homes (kind of like half way houses) that can care for you and your son while you are pregnant and trying to stay clean. You are not alone, I saw TONS of girls in your situation where I worked before I had kids. And I'm so happy to say that there are so many doing beyond well. Where do you live? I'm sure we can find some resources for you!

Jen - posted on 01/12/2012

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You need professional help for your depression, ESPECIALLY because you are pregnant and a recovering addict. Please get yourself some mental health counseling and then make a decision. Your honesty and the fact that you are reaching out for help shows that you are indeed a good mother and you will get better. I wish you the best, whatever you decide.

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