I feel like I am looking my daughter

Melissa - posted on 04/28/2014 ( 1 mom has responded )

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I have a beautiful 12 almost 13 year old daughter named Madison. Our relationship took a turn for the worse 5 years ago when I left her father due to his infidelity. Up until that point in her life my life revolved around she and her younger brother. Their dad was rarely around, but I tried to make up for that. After years of trying to make it work I could not longer allow myself to be miserable. I had noticed the older they got the harder it got to hide the sadness. When I left I took the kids for with me. He ended up starting a relationship and realizing that he had not been a very good father. Eventually I became to appreciate the father he had become. It was way to late for us to reconcile but I was ecstatic that he was involved. When discussing his time with the children he had asked for shared custody. I was a little apprehensive but thought if he wants to be in their life I was not going to stand in the way. I didn't want them to want more time with their dad and me be the one standing in the way. Today I feel that decision may have benefited them, but has made my life a Nightmare. I know of several cases this kind of arrangement has worked perfectly, but not mine. I have felt like it has been his mission to eventually turn the kids against me. He and I both have been in another relationship for years. I am engaged, and have a daughter with my fiancé. My fiancé respects the fact that my ex is the father of my 2 kids, and never would want to interfere with that. However, their step mom takes full control. ITs almost as if dad and step mom are trying to be competitive. I have had to have several talks regarding this issue, but it is denied. To me it's as if my ex is still trying to punish me for leaving him. The older they get the worst they get. My son has made it clear that he wants no part in arguing or hurting either parent. He made it clear that he loves us both, and that is that. However, Madison not only likes the drama, but she is not playing the two of us. She could be manipulating a situation, and her dad would rather see it as he has won instead of the fact that she is manipulating. Yesterday this all took a turn for the worse. Which is what has lead me to this site. She is going to her first school dance. I encouraged and thought it would be great for her to attend the fall formal back in October, but her father sent me awful text telling me he doesn't approve and when she turns up pregnant I would be the one raising her child. I was in awe. She's never even had a boyfriend. So last week I told her to let her dad know that I would be going to chaperone the upcoming dance so he would feel at ease. I so badly wanted her to have this experience. Nothing was said to me until they sent a text asking my permission. I text back with excitement, and said of course she can go to the dance. So as a mom I start thinking of all the things that have to be done in less than a week. Shopping for a dress, hair appointment, nail appointment, shoes jewelry. A few minutes late I received a text from step mom saying hair appointment, and nail appointment were Friday at 4 did I mind if she just picked her up from school. I thought ok well I am sure they want a part in this so I thought Ill take her for dress shoes and jewelry. So I sent them a message and said ok, but I will take care of the rest. A few minutes later I receive a text that her grandmother had already taken her and purchased everything. I start getting angry. I sent a text informing them how disrespectful it was that this is my daughters first dance, and no one thought I would want to be apart of it. She responds and tells me I could take her to appointments she understood. When I went to pick up my son she came out to the car, and asked me if there were any way her stepmom could take her to her appointments. She said it like she knew it was going to hurt me, and wanted to see my reaction. I objected at first, but as she stood there begging I gave in. After all it is her big day, I cried all the way home because I had waited for these days since she was in diapers, and now I get no part in it. What have I done to my child for her to hate me like this. I have always been a great mom. Hurting my children has always been my fear. What have I done so bad. I got home and not an hour later I received a text informing me that she doesn't want to come back to my house and wants to live with them. I tried to call but got no response. I feel like she is a game to him, she is his ammo, and he is reaching success in his attempt to hurt me. If I would have known this is how it was going to turn out years later I would have been a little more greedy with them. Who knows that to probably would have backfired some how. I am lost on all this. I love her so much, and it is killing me. I don't want her to go live with her dad. I feel it is a bad decision. I am angry because instead of co-parenting and helping our daughter be a strong independent and loving young lady her life is used to make mine hell. Asking for any suggestion. She is at a critical age right now, and a sensitive age. Any advice would be appreciated. How do you co-parent with a parent who is not willing.

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Crystal - posted on 04/28/2014

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Hi there! I have an 11 year old and a 3 month old. I just got on here during he naps and for some reason I clicked on your post. My oldest daughter is from a prior relationship. Her dad tries to use her against me, and it wasn't until 2 years ago I stopped being "scared" of him and his false threats and worrying about what he "may" do and do what I feel is right. First, I would recommend that you get yourself if you don't already a good lawyer. Get visitation set in stone. She HAS to see you. She will realize that the grass is not greener on the other side. Encourage her, and show that you support her decision. If she has a cell phone, which i'm sure she does, I would call her every day... don't miss a day because she may be testing your love for her. Let he know that you care for her and love her and the door is always open for her to come home.

Secondly, I would get yourself into counseling. This can make someone crazy! When I got married 3 years ago, my 11 year old had a hard time... especially now with the baby. Shes always testing me and my love for her because she is no longer the center of attention. Hoe is the relationship with her step dad?

Also, why do you have so much contact with he father? My daughter has set days she sees hers, and other than that... I let the two of them talk. Shes old enough to fill him in. I don't need to do that!

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