I feel like I can't let my daughter go to her father's house anymore.

Dawnette - posted on 05/29/2014 ( 3 moms have responded )

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I'm new here, and really need advice. A little background. When my daughter was 3, she was alone with her father on new years eve, she and her father called me. I could tell her dad was drinking, and this is a major problem. I acted cool. Soon as we got off the phone, I drove 2 hours to pick her up, called the cops, they couldn't arrest him for drinking but he did have a warrant for his arrest for not pay DUI fees. The cops told me to file for custody. He left her alone with broken glass in the house when the cops showed up, and she shied away when he went to reach out for her. Very strange. I filed for custody the next day. I've have full custody for 7+ years now.
Her father has never paid child support, owes me a very substantial amount of money. He has since had two kids, is a stay at home dad. He is allowed to see her every other weekend, for 1 month in the summer, and we alternate spring break and winter break. He hasn't gotten her on the weekends ever. He tells out daughter it's my fault, that I won't let her see him. This is a major lie. He only gets her on breaks, so 3 times a year at most.
When my daughter is there, she tells me he sleeps half the day, and she is "mom" to her 2 younger siblings. She says the dishes pile up, and don't get done for a week. Also that her room and other rooms in the house are piled a high to the bed of garbage, clothes and junk. It is apparently absolute filth there. When we talk on the phone to try to pick a date to met and exchange, somehow every time, he tears me down, tells me I'm evil, the worst mother, and person in the world. He's insane. His family has told me he's lost his mind, gone off the deep end. I've done everything for my daughter, I'm a good mom, I just spent $2,000 on a down payment for her braces. I'm a single mom going to school for nursing. Everything I do is for my daughter.
her father and I cannot talk without him telling me how bad he thinks I am EVERY TIME. It's getting so ridiculous. It is in our custody order that he is not allowed to drink with her around. Apparently he quit drinking 5 years ago. I still don't trust him. I feel like the environment at his house is just so terrible, dysfunctional, and filthy literally, I can't let her go there.
I don't know what to do. I'm at the point, I don't want my daughter going over there. She came back with worms once, another time, a fungus growth on her head. I'm at the point where I'm not going to let her go over there anymore. What do I do?!
Soon as I get some extra $ I am going to try and change the custody order to supervised visits only. Please, some advice would be appreciated.

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Ev - posted on 05/29/2014

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The thing with DHS or CPS is that when you call they do not disclose to the person they are checking out who made the call. So he would have to play a guessing game at best and who is to say one of the neighbors did not make the call. It needs to be done if the place is piled full of crap, unwashed dishes and clothes all over the place, your daughter coming home with unknown fungus and worms is a bit problem because not only did she get it but what of the other kids? Those kids need to be taken into consideration too though they are not yours. Its okay for them to be there but not her? I think that in this case those kids need someone to stand up for them even if it is you. IF their mother is not taking care of them the way they need to be and they have the worms and other issues like that, its not healthy. And if your ex is allowing this to go on, he is just as guilty as this woman is. And then your daughter has to go to that mess. I would make that call.

As for the custody and visitation, unless you have definite proof he is endangering your child in any form, you are not going to get those changes in visits and so on that you want. You need to get the documentation because that is the only way a judge is goint to look at you and agree with what you have to say. Just going on there and saying, "His house is a mess and my daughter came home with worms and fungus on her....etc." is not going to turn the judges head the way actual documentation will. That is why you should be documenting all the things that go on in communications, what she comes home and tells you about, and anything you might note when he shows up for getting her. You need to be sure you have all that evidence.

Dawnette - posted on 05/29/2014

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Thank you. Where I live it is called DHS, but I think that's a step I could take for sure. My concern is, if I call, and the house happens to be clean that day, or its not bad enough, whether he gets in trouble or not, He's going to know I called, and the hell that will come after that either way, is just going to be terrible. But I don't want my daughter going there. Thanks for your input, its appreciated.

Ev - posted on 05/29/2014

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Have you been keeping track of this stuff like in a calender or such? Writing down when you talk about pick up/drop off for visitation, his actual visits, what she says when she comes home from there about the filth and stuff? If not you do not have much leg to stand on as it will be his word against yours. Have you thought about calling CPS on him to check it out and have the medical records for the times she came home with the fungas and worms and other things that were not normal? I would call CPS and tell them that your daughter is reporting to you that when at her father's that its filthy, she tends the younger siblings because the father is asleep all the time, and anything else that might be important. If she is old enough she could call CPS herself.

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