I feel like I killed my baby and it is my fault!

Kayla - posted on 01/17/2014 ( 16 moms have responded )

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I am experiencing extreme grief and I am not sure how to cope with this and have no one to talk to about this, friend wise. I really feel like what happened was my fault and I shouldn't have been so naïve, and should have read more into it. So almost exactly 2 years ago now when I was 17 I got pregnant, accidentally it was a one night thing with my now husband, we didn't use protection. I got pregnant and within 2 weeks of the day we had sex I knew I was pregnant. So I took a First Response test and sure enough I was pregnant. I went into the Dr and I was too early to come up on their pee test and they said I wasn't pregnant. I insisted that I get a blood test, the blood tests came back positive. Shortly after I got an ultrasound and the Doctor told me that it was an empty sac. She told me she knew what an empty sac was she had seen lots before and that I could either insert a pill or wait to miscarry. Being that I was only 17, wanted to get it over with and get back to regular life as I was very upset about it I said the pill. I took the 4 pills that weekend and I miscarried. After that I researched what had happened to me, I read so many posts about women saying that was too early to even see anything. So after that I had this horrible feeling in the pit of my stomach that she made a mistake and I may have very well killed my baby. I cried and cried for months. It took me over a year to feel a little more normal about what happened. Now that it is around the same time of year this happened and I feel sadness everytime I see someone have a baby or hear about it. I feel as though I really murdered my own child and I am mad at myself for not looking into it and I am also upset that the doctor didn't tell me it could be too early to tell possible or told me to wait being that it was only 2 weeks after we had sex. I'm sad again and I don't know if this grief will ever go away. I feel like a horrible person, and I would never even have an abortion so I feel like I pretty much did just that. Any advice on how I can cope?

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Vivian - posted on 01/20/2014

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As I read your story.. My heart is compelled with Grief for you. There is nothing worse than guilt and grief. But my solution to you.. And I can tell you this from experience.. Is that Jesus is your answer. He forgives your every sin and sets you free. You feel sorry for what u did He forgives you. You did not intentionally choose to get pregnant and abort your child.. Bit the bible says we are all sinners When you give your life to Jesus. . He fills the holes in are hearts and washes away the grime that are choices have put us in.
Choose Jesus and one day.. When you get to heaven, your child will know, that you were its Mom. Don't cry..the devil wants to keep u feeling hurt through the guilt. But God wants to wipe away ever tear.

Kirsty - posted on 01/19/2014

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hi iv been in this situation before its not nice fell pregnant didnt realise had severe tooth ache and took quite alot of pills found out few days later i was pregnant not long after started to bleed ended up having miscarriage i was gutted and always think was it my fault what if i didnt take the tablets it will get easier honey iv now got four l lovley kids and took in my nephew god will always be with u and i promise the pain will go and u will hav a great future ahead all the best kirsty xx

16 Comments

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Melissa - posted on 01/20/2014

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Hi Kayla, its okay to feel grief sometimes mistakes happen and we have to just pick up ourselves and move on. When the time is right you will have a precious baby and you will be a great mama. You have your whole life ahead I waited until I was 33 to have a baby and I enjoy my wait and now that he's here I'm overjoyed but so happy I waited. Cheer up hon! It will get better

Katelyn - posted on 01/20/2014

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Sorry this has nothing to do with this, but someone PLEASE answer my question I'm worried sick

Jane AJ - posted on 01/19/2014

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Dear Kayla,

It is sorrowful of you to be in trouble because of past experience.
Having a child is the huge blessing but in reverse it would be biggest problem in case of not being prepared in everything.

My mom had experience similar to you.
She ate cold medicine and didn’t know her pregnancy.
After she noticed that fact, she went to hospital. The doctor urged her to miscarry because that could cause birth defects. She had sorrowful choice praying to Lord.
It is OK in everything when we’re prepared to take care a child and we live stable a life.
But things may turn out contrary to my hopes and intentions.

That can happen in our lives.
But life is too short to be sad throughout life.

CK - posted on 01/18/2014

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Feel free to post or message me anytime. I'll be glad to listen. Hope you are feeling better today!

CE - posted on 01/18/2014

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Hi Kayla, I hope you are feeling better after all the encouragement and advise. Please don't be too harsh on yourself as we can't undo what we/others have done in the past. Moreover, there's a God who loves you as who you are and is there to forgive you.
Hope you will move forward knowing there's a bright future awaits you. Blessings.

Gena - posted on 01/18/2014

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After i miscarried my first pregnancy my biggest support was my husband,we talked alot or sometimes he would just let me talk and he would listen and comfort me.If it helps you to talk about it with your husband then do it.If you feel you need counseling then do it.

When my sister died in my arms i went through a phase were i blamed myself,i asked myself why did i let her die,why didnt i try to give her oxygen or just do something.. But i had to learn that she was so ill from the cancer that i couldnt have done anything,the best thing i did was to lay there and hold her in my arms and let her go because she wanted that. I know its something different then what you went through...but you have to learn to let that guilt feeling go.There is nothing you can change,but to learn to let go and not blame yourself.

Gillian - posted on 01/18/2014

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Hi sweetie, Sounds like you have been grieving for a long, long time. The people that told you it was too early to see anything need to realize that the doctor may or may not have seen anything, but more importantly you went by what the doctor told you. If we can't trust our doctors when we have a health issue who do we trust? And remember you were just 17 years old. A child yourself. Also, if you are wondering whether your doctor made a mistake listen to your words. The DOCTOR may have made a mistake, but somehow it is now your fault. I would like you to do something. In the phone book there should be a Hospice. Call them, and see if they have free counseling for people who are grieving or if you have a pastor or priest maybe you would feel more comfortable talking to him or her. It is important that you get support now so you don't carry this with you for the rest of your life. When I have seen people in therapy who are in his/her fifties you would be amazed at how many of them blame themselves still for things they did when they were younger. I remind them that as we grow older we gain wisdom. I tell them that as we look back on our lives, and we wince at some of things we have done, because we would never do the same thing now. So what to do? Forgive yourself, because you did not have the wisdom you have now. The same goes for you. Also, if you carry your sadness into your next pregnancy you will not get to fully enjoy the child you are about to have with your husband. So work with your counselor, and work through your sadness so that you can move on. Encourage your husband to go with you for support if you like. Blessings to you and your husband.

Daria - posted on 01/18/2014

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I'm really sorry, it should be really hard to deal with it, and I think you will always remember about your baby. But you shouldn't blame yourself, it wasn't your fault!!!! Maybe another baby will help you? I mean may be later you will have a son or a daughter and they will heal your pain.

Kayla - posted on 01/17/2014

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Thank you CK, that was such a nice post and I am religious. I would love to chat with you further, it would be nice to have someone to listen! (:

CK - posted on 01/17/2014

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I am so sorry to hear of your pain but please remember you made the best decision with the infomation you had available at the time. I had a coworker who had a similar type of experience and she told a prayer group we were both in about it (it happened to her many years ago) and she said she felt guilty and still cried about it. We all tried to reassure her just like you that that was the only choice and way she had at the time and to not continue to carry that burden around. As others mention, perhaps a counselor (or pastor) could give you some further support in person. Online, I'll be glad to be a listening, nonjudgemental ear and I'm not sure what (or if) you are religious but I am and I'll say a prayer for you tonight to gain some peace about this.

Michelle - posted on 01/17/2014

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You need to stop beating yourself up over it. You can't change the past and ther is no point going over the "what if's", you don't know for sure and dwelling on it won't change anything.
I miscarried my first and have gone on to have 3 healthy children. It isn't the end of your child bearing days but you will be more careful in the furutre.

Kayla - posted on 01/17/2014

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Thank you, I just feel horrible but she told me I either had to wait to miscarry or take the pill, her being a doctor I assumed I had no other options since she has been dealing with pregnancies for years.

Michelle - posted on 01/17/2014

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That's not for me to say, I wasn't there.
You can't blame yourself for something that has been done, it will only eat away at you and cause huge heartache.
You need to talk to a counsellor so they can help you get through it.

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