I feel like I'm in quicksand chest deep and don't want to go under again!

Queen Of My - posted on 10/24/2013 ( 2 moms have responded )

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Before I even begin, I want to acknowledge that I understand that I am over dramatic and I have a habit in "making mountain out of molehills"(as my dad would always say). So please don't hesitate to tell me if I am way off base here - I often need that. There is a huge backstory here so I apologize in advance for the novel I am about to write. Well here it is:
My husband and I have been together for 10 years and almost three years ago got married and two years ago had our second child.
The year before we were married we were going through some drama - and were close to calling off the wedding - just the pressure of our first child and buying our first home and planning our wedding was a lot. But we got through it and I married the love of my life and life was great!
Fast forward to the birth of our second son (one day short of our first anniversary). Well I had a stressful pregnancy and felt the whole time like my hormones were off. More than average but I never looked into it. At the time he was born, my mom an stepfather were having a bunch of drama. My step dad said some rude, racist and threatening comments about my husband and when he was confronted, basically started WWIII.
Bla bla bla, I will spare you all the details but it got bad - after months of tension, my stepdad was threatening to kill my husband. Told several people he hired someone to kill my husband, was on facebook threatening to report me to CPS for abusing my kids (which is so way off - you don't know me so I have to say that but anyone who knows me knows it's a joke). This started in march 6 weeks after the birth of my son and by summer - he and my on were fighting constantly and one night he got really, really drunk and held a BB gun to her head and threatens to shoot her. She got scared, called the cops and pressed charges. Later she tried to drop them but the prosecutor would allow it (as most abused women will later regret pressing charges).
So I am dealing with this. My baby is going on months and months of not sleeping. I am completely exhausted. My mom is calling me crying from work everyday because of new threats, she is scared, he won't let her into her house to get his stuff - etc. When I do get to sleep I am having dreams of my house being set on fire and all my doors and windows are boarded up, or bullets going through my windows, or someone shooting my husband in the back and he turns around and he is holding my children.
So this is what I believe sparks my PPD. Still, I feel it is a weakness and don't seek help.
Then my youngest sister gets married. Surprise! Lol. Well my children weren't allowed to come to her ever do formal beach wedding. Then, I wasn't allowed to sit in the front row with my parents but had to sit with my aunt and uncle she sees once every few years. Finally, was not allowed to go on the stupid "family" boat ride following the ceremony. Obviously I was hurt. I mean we aren't super close - but I expected more than that. My parents fully paid for her wedding - every detail and paid NOTHING, not one penny to mine only 18 months earlier.
So that night I dream my husband cheated on me on his stag. I confront him and he denies cheating but I find out he had a stripper.
Now I asked if he had one the next day and he said no. So as we get to talking about his, I find that not only did all his buddies know, but all my friends to. He had a conversation with each one of the asking them not to tell me. He has been to stags with strippers before so I didn't get why. So my minds starts spinning and I ask more and more questions. He remembers what she wore, what here winter coat looked like, what shoes she had on (doesn't remember my wedding night lingerie so that stung a bit) but USDA USDA doesn't remember if he got a lap dance, or what they talked about when they were alone after and she was sitting on his lap. I find out later that he also did cocaine with her!
It hurt! A lot! I still wonder why he didn't tell me and what he is hiding but he made a good point that the slate was wiped clean when we got married and I can leave or move past it. I tried but everything shady from his past just wont stop nagging at me. Now things that i never even considered are popping into mind and i am concinced he has cheated on me several times. It was hard for me. At this point, I take a bottle of sleeping pills, feeling like if I have a day or two to myself and can roll around in bed for awhile I can figure out how to deal with all of this(remember I have an infant that doesn't sleep and haven't slept more than 2 hours in months). I felt betrayed by everyone - my dads family, my stepdad, my sister, my step brothers, and now my husband. All I wanted was sleep and to numb the pain (I told you I am over dramatic)!
Of course I end up in the hospital and have to deal with the repercussions of my actions which ultimately made me feel like I was a terrible person and mother.
The next year is a struggle - which brings us to now.
So I am finally feeling back to my old self! Everything is good looking up, I even want to start coming off my meds. Then BAM!
My mom is back with my stepdad - and hiding it! My grandpa is going to die - soon - like this week probably and last week we celebrated my 29th birthday where my husband got stupid drunk, hit on my best friend, asked if she was a freak in bed, slapped her ass, left with her "to help he get a cab" and was gone forever (in his defense I know nothing happened because my cousin was out there with them) but why was he trying so hard to impress her. And disrespect me so blatantly? Then we got into a huge fight when confronted him in private. He screamed at me in front of everyone. Called me stupid, an idiot, ugly, fat - anything he hought would hurt. Broke all or wedding pictures and told me I should cheat on him because he has and will from now on.
The next day of course he was "so sorry" and whatever but ....
I can't breathe. My anxiety is back. I am shaking, distracted and completely disconnected. I am terrified of having another year like last year. How do I stop this cycle? How long until stupid things don't break me?
I have gone to therapy but didn't like her, she always just wanted mento breathe better. I tried a PPD group but found thier sad stories made me worse. Help! And thank you for reading through all my stupid, boring life!

2 Comments

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Queen Of My - posted on 10/25/2013

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Thank you for your response! I feel kind of silly for putting all of that on the Internet. I haven't really shared all of that with anyone and I think I just needed to get it out. I really appreciate having an objective opinion.
I am terrified of ending up in a situation like my mom and so I think that makes me really emotionally heightened when things aren't going right in my relationship - especially when I see parallels. I know my mom is a big girl and I need to let her do her own thing, it's just so frustrating to watch her be strong for months and see her grow and mend so many relationships that were damaged because of him and then willingly go back. Like she wasn't "allowed" to speak to me at her house. She would phone me before she left work to tell me not to call her cell anymore, she is going home. And he told her if she came to my sons birthday he would change the locks while she was gone and make her life Hell. So for her to choose to go back is literally her choosing him over me and my children. I know she doesn't see it like that, but that's how I see it.
I always have difficulty accepting what I can not change or don't have control over. You are right though, I definitely need to stop worrying about what I can't change and starting making moves on what I can change. My youngest is sleeping better now, thank goodness, so that is a blessing and one less thing to worry about.

Rebekah - posted on 10/24/2013

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Boring life? Hardly! Sounds like you need a little more boring in your life so you can get some rest. :)

Not knowing any other side of the story than yours, I really can't say if you are making a mountain out of a molehill. If all that stuff is really happening, its more stress than what I think the average person has to deal with. They are hardly "stupid" insignificant things.

Where to begin? You need to get yourself strong so that you don't end up in crisis mode again. Maybe that means finding another therapist, or staying on your meds (possibly having your dr re-evaluate meds, if your anxiety is over the top right now), trying to find time for yourself to journal, or do yoga or a hobby that relaxes you, or re-connect with your friends...something to invest in yourself so that you can deal with the conflict that is going on with your husband, as well as continue to parent your two young children. Is your husband willing to go for marriage counseling? Does he have drug and/or alcohol issues as well as possible infidelity issues? Is he willing to look at these behaviors for the sake of your family? If he is not, I don't see how you can live with these behaviors and have it be a healthy situation for you or your children. He sounds verbally and emotionally abusive.

While your mom's situation sounds scary, I don't know how much you can do other than to point her in the direction of help OUT of that situation. She is an adult and chose to return to him. If she wants that cycle to end, give her info for battered women's shelter/counseling and help her do it (or find additional supports to help her do it if you are overwhelmed) when she commits to that. You have so much additional stress that you have to keep perspective on what you have control over, and what you don't. You can't control what mom does... or the fact that grandpa is dying (I'm sorry--you have my sympathies)... or what your husband ultimately decides to do. You only have control over how you choose to respond to these things, and what you are willing to subject yourself to. Speaking of cycles, look at what your mom is going through and ask yourself if there are parallels in what you are experiencing with your husband. Find out if your husband is invested in making things better in your marriage. Decide if you want your boys to grow up with this example of what marriage is and how men are to treat their women.

Whenever I hear about breaking cycles, the quote comes to mind, "Do what you've always done, and you'll get what you've always got." So you have to do something differently. You have to figure out (or in therapy, if you need an objective perspective on that) what it is that you need to specifically do differently.

One other after thought... if your youngest is still having sleep issues, maybe consult with a pediatrician to see if there's anything to help that. If you can't get sleep, it will only exacerbate your anxiety/stress/etc. (as if I had to tell you that...) Best of luck to you. I hope things turn around soon.

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