I feel like I'm in quicksand chest deep and don't want to go under again!

Queen Of My - posted on 10/24/2013 ( 2 moms have responded )

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Before I even begin, I want to acknowledge that I understand that I am over dramatic and I have a habit in "making mountain out of molehills"(as my dad would always say). So please don't hesitate to tell me if I am way off base here - I often need that. There is a huge backstory here so I apologize in advance for the novel I am about to write. Well here it is:
My husband and I have been together for 10 years and almost three years ago got married and two years ago had our second child.
The year before we were married we were going through some drama - and were close to calling off the wedding - just the pressure of our first child and buying our first home and planning our wedding was a lot. But we got through it and I married the love of my life and life was great!
Fast forward to the birth of our second son (one day short of our first anniversary). Well I had a stressful pregnancy and felt the whole time like my hormones were off. More than average but I never looked into it. At the time he was born, my mom an stepfather were having a bunch of drama. My step dad said some rude, racist and threatening comments about my husband and when he was confronted, basically started WWIII.
Bla bla bla, I will spare you all the details but it got bad - after months of tension, my stepdad was threatening to kill my husband. Told several people he hired someone to kill my husband, was on facebook threatening to report me to CPS for abusing my kids (which is so way off - you don't know me so I have to say that but anyone who knows me knows it's a joke). This started in march 6 weeks after the birth of my son and by summer - he and my on were fighting constantly and one night he got really, really drunk and held a BB gun to her head and threatens to shoot her. She got scared, called the cops and pressed charges. Later she tried to drop them but the prosecutor would allow it (as most abused women will later regret pressing charges).
So I am dealing with this. My baby is going on months and months of not sleeping. I am completely exhausted. My mom is calling me crying from work everyday because of new threats, she is scared, he won't let her into her house to get his stuff - etc. When I do get to sleep I am having dreams of my house being set on fire and all my doors and windows are boarded up, or bullets going through my windows, or someone shooting my husband in the back and he turns around and he is holding my children.
So this is what I believe sparks my PPD. Still, I feel it is a weakness and don't seek help.
Then my youngest sister gets married. Surprise! Lol. Well my children weren't allowed to come to her ever do formal beach wedding. Then, I wasn't allowed to sit in the front row with my parents but had to sit with my aunt and uncle she sees once every few years. Finally, was not allowed to go on the stupid "family" boat ride following the ceremony. Obviously I was hurt. I mean we aren't super close - but I expected more than that. My parents fully paid for her wedding - every detail and paid NOTHING, not one penny to mine only 18 months earlier.
So that night I dream my husband cheated on me on his stag. I confront him and he denies cheating but I find out he had a stripper.
Now I asked if he had one the next day and he said no. So as we get to talking about his, I find that not only did all his buddies know, but all my friends to. He had a conversation with each one of the asking them not to tell me. He has been to stags with strippers before so I didn't get why. So my minds starts spinning and I ask more and more questions. He remembers what she wore, what here winter coat looked like, what shoes she had on (doesn't remember my wedding night lingerie so that stung a bit) but USDA USDA doesn't remember if he got a lap dance, or what they talked about when they were alone after and she was sitting on his lap. I find out later that he also did cocaine with her!
It hurt! A lot! I still wonder why he didn't tell me and what he is hiding but he made a good point that the slate was wiped clean when we got married and I can leave or move past it. I tried but everything shady from his past just wont stop nagging at me. Now things that i never even considered are popping into mind and i am concinced he has cheated on me several times. It was hard for me. At this point, I take a bottle of sleeping pills, feeling like if I have a day or two to myself and can roll around in bed for awhile I can figure out how to deal with all of this(remember I have an infant that doesn't sleep and haven't slept more than 2 hours in months). I felt betrayed by everyone - my dads family, my stepdad, my sister, my step brothers, and now my husband. All I wanted was sleep and to numb the pain (I told you I am over dramatic)!
Of course I end up in the hospital and have to deal with the repercussions of my actions which ultimately made me feel like I was a terrible person and mother.
The next year is a struggle - which brings us to now.
So I am finally feeling back to my old self! Everything is good looking up, I even want to start coming off my meds. Then BAM!
My mom is back with my stepdad - and hiding it! My grandpa is going to die - soon - like this week probably and last week we celebrated my 29th birthday where my husband got stupid drunk, hit on my best friend, asked if she was a freak in bed, slapped her ass, left with her "to help he get a cab" and was gone forever (in his defense I know nothing happened because my cousin was out there with them) but why was he trying so hard to impress her. And disrespect me so blatantly? Then we got into a huge fight when confronted him in private. He screamed at me in front of everyone. Called me stupid, an idiot, ugly, fat - anything he hought would hurt. Broke all or wedding pictures and told me I should cheat on him because he has and will from now on.
The next day of course he was "so sorry" and whatever but ....
I can't breathe. My anxiety is back. I am shaking, distracted and completely disconnected. I am terrified of having another year like last year. How do I stop this cycle? How long until stupid things don't break me?
I have gone to therapy but didn't like her, she always just wanted mento breathe better. I tried a PPD group but found thier sad stories made me worse. Help! And thank you for reading through all my stupid, boring life!

2 Comments

View replies by

Jodi - posted on 10/24/2013

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I agree that your husband sounds like he needs a good smack across the head! Honestly, you shouldn't have to put up with him treating you like that.

However, having said that, it also sounds like you don't have particularly good coping skills, and that would be contributing to how you are feeling. If you are on medication for depression, it is also REALLY important, if you want to be able to get off them and function normally without fear of relapse, to be in some form of counselling. You said you tried it but didn't like the therapist. This is not a reason to give up on therapy altogether. Try another therapist. The thing about therapists is that they are human too, and you are not always happy with the therapist you first choose to see. That's ok. That doesn't mean therapy can't work for you with someone else. I believe you should give it another go.

Melina - posted on 10/24/2013

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It's not stupid and forgive me for saying this but your husband sounds like a jackass. About your sleepless baby. Children feed off their parents energy they know when something is wrong and when mom is comfortable or not, happy or not. So the most important thing right now is focus on your baby try to give your baby the best environment possible
even if it means sleeping in the same room together in quiet comfortable space. This is really important , you dont want the baby to be around negative energy try keeping them away from it. Put positive energy around so the baby can feel comfortable, same goes to you. Once your both on the same page you and baby will sleep wonderfully. And for all the other drama my advice is try taking the negative from every situation and turn it to a positive. So basically look for the good in every situation. Because everything happens for a reason and there's a lesson to learn from every problem. So keep your chin up and walk forward don't look back. Face one problem at a time.

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