I feel like I'm in quicksand chest deep and don't want to go under again!

Queen Of My - posted on 10/24/2013 ( 4 moms have responded )

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Before I even begin, I want to acknowledge that I understand that I am over dramatic and I have a habit in "making mountain out of molehills"(as my dad would always say). So please don't hesitate to tell me if I am way off base here - I often need that. There is a huge backstory here so I apologize in advance for the novel I am about to write. Well here it is:
My husband and I have been together for 10 years and almost three years ago got married and two years ago had our second child.
The year before we were married we were going through some drama - and were close to calling off the wedding - just the pressure of our first child and buying our first home and planning our wedding was a lot. But we got through it and I married the love of my life and life was great!
Fast forward to the birth of our second son (one day short of our first anniversary). Well I had a stressful pregnancy and felt the whole time like my hormones were off. More than average but I never looked into it. At the time he was born, my mom an stepfather were having a bunch of drama. My step dad said some rude, racist and threatening comments about my husband and when he was confronted, basically started WWIII.
Bla bla bla, I will spare you all the details but it got bad - after months of tension, my stepdad was threatening to kill my husband. Told several people he hired someone to kill my husband, was on facebook threatening to report me to CPS for abusing my kids (which is so way off - you don't know me so I have to say that but anyone who knows me knows it's a joke). This started in march 6 weeks after the birth of my son and by summer - he and my on were fighting constantly and one night he got really, really drunk and held a BB gun to her head and threatens to shoot her. She got scared, called the cops and pressed charges. Later she tried to drop them but the prosecutor would allow it (as most abused women will later regret pressing charges).
So I am dealing with this. My baby is going on months and months of not sleeping. I am completely exhausted. My mom is calling me crying from work everyday because of new threats, she is scared, he won't let her into her house to get his stuff - etc. When I do get to sleep I am having dreams of my house being set on fire and all my doors and windows are boarded up, or bullets going through my windows, or someone shooting my husband in the back and he turns around and he is holding my children.
So this is what I believe sparks my PPD. Still, I feel it is a weakness and don't seek help.
Then my youngest sister gets married. Surprise! Lol. Well my children weren't allowed to come to her ever do formal beach wedding. Then, I wasn't allowed to sit in the front row with my parents but had to sit with my aunt and uncle she sees once every few years. Finally, was not allowed to go on the stupid "family" boat ride following the ceremony. Obviously I was hurt. I mean we aren't super close - but I expected more than that. My parents fully paid for her wedding - every detail and paid NOTHING, not one penny to mine only 18 months earlier.
So that night I dream my husband cheated on me on his stag. I confront him and he denies cheating but I find out he had a stripper.
Now I asked if he had one the next day and he said no. So as we get to talking about his, I find that not only did all his buddies know, but all my friends to. He had a conversation with each one of the asking them not to tell me. He has been to stags with strippers before so I didn't get why. So my minds starts spinning and I ask more and more questions. He remembers what she wore, what here winter coat looked like, what shoes she had on (doesn't remember my wedding night lingerie so that stung a bit) but USDA USDA doesn't remember if he got a lap dance, or what they talked about when they were alone after and she was sitting on his lap. I find out later that he also did cocaine with her!
It hurt! A lot! I still wonder why he didn't tell me and what he is hiding but he made a good point that the slate was wiped clean when we got married and I can leave or move past it. I tried but everything shady from his past just wont stop nagging at me. Now things that i never even considered are popping into mind and i am concinced he has cheated on me several times. It was hard for me. At this point, I take a bottle of sleeping pills, feeling like if I have a day or two to myself and can roll around in bed for awhile I can figure out how to deal with all of this(remember I have an infant that doesn't sleep and haven't slept more than 2 hours in months). I felt betrayed by everyone - my dads family, my stepdad, my sister, my step brothers, and now my husband. All I wanted was sleep and to numb the pain (I told you I am over dramatic)!
Of course I end up in the hospital and have to deal with the repercussions of my actions which ultimately made me feel like I was a terrible person and mother.
The next year is a struggle - which brings us to now.
So I am finally feeling back to my old self! Everything is good looking up, I even want to start coming off my meds. Then BAM!
My mom is back with my stepdad - and hiding it! My grandpa is going to die - soon - like this week probably and last week we celebrated my 29th birthday where my husband got stupid drunk, hit on my best friend, asked if she was a freak in bed, slapped her ass, left with her "to help he get a cab" and was gone forever (in his defense I know nothing happened because my cousin was out there with them) but why was he trying so hard to impress her. And disrespect me so blatantly? Then we got into a huge fight when confronted him in private. He screamed at me in front of everyone. Called me stupid, an idiot, ugly, fat - anything he hought would hurt. Broke all or wedding pictures and told me I should cheat on him because he has and will from now on.
The next day of course he was "so sorry" and whatever but ....
I can't breathe. My anxiety is back. I am shaking, distracted and completely disconnected. I am terrified of having another year like last year. How do I stop this cycle? How long until stupid things don't break me?
I have gone to therapy but didn't like her, she always just wanted mento breathe better. I tried a PPD group but found thier sad stories made me worse. Help! And thank you for reading through all my book!

4 Comments

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Julie A - posted on 10/24/2013

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Well like I said if he's lying to you it's only gonna get worse. But sometimes we lie to ourselves. I did. And wasted alot of my time on them. It took time and heartaches for me to learn and see the truth. I always have to learn the hard way. But I see you love him and time will go on. Whatever's meant to be will be. Whether its today or ten years from now. Everything happens for a weird reason. To make us stronger, wiser etc. Just try to do your best an everything always works out.
I have bad days but I have to be thankful for everything I have. My kids, finally found an awesome man. An no my life is NOT perfect . Anyway, try to stay strong an take it a minute at a time being the strong , graceful woman you are ;) how cheesy is that?! Lol . But true. Have a good rest of the night, go do something for yourself; one of your favorite things !

Queen Of My - posted on 10/24/2013

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Thanks for responding. I feel like just that alone helped! I just feel so alone sometimes.
I don't know that I would say he's "into" strippers and drugs. It's pretty isolated events - I think - I am just so fed up with his lies. You know? I use to think that it was okay that he was a bully and could be really mean because "I always know what he's thinking, he is always so honest! He just needs to work on his tact". But now he isn't honest. He will look me right in my eyes and swear on our marriage something that isn't true.
I always swore I would never leave him over anything other than cheating - because my parents divorced when I was you and it did a number on me and I never wanted my kids to go through that.
But he lies about everything and I just don't know what is real anymore. I doubt everything now - not only from him but from everyone - mostly because I don't believe in myself knowing the difference of what's real and what's not.
I don't want to be so cynical and untrusting and guarded!
I know he loves me. And I love him. And he is a good dad - so I feel like I should put more into it, but I just feel - broken. ... How an I fix anything when I myself need fixing?
Yeah I am on an anti anxiety and anti depressant.
Anyway, sometimes I have good days and sometimes I have bad. I am sure tomorrow will be better. I feel a little dumb now for posting my life story but I really appreciate you responding! Enjoy playtime! :)

Julie A - posted on 10/24/2013

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Before you do anything get some sleep. Get a sitter. Also, I'd go see your doc. You say your on meds? Antid's?? What? That could be the wrong med for you. Maybe get an anti anxiety med for panic attacks ..?

Julie A - posted on 10/24/2013

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Leave him and don't look back. I had an ex husband an boyfriend that were into the strip clubs, strippers and drugs. That scene is a trainwreck waiting to happen. I thought I could change them and wasted alot of my precious time trying to change them and believing their lies. As hard as this will be, you have to do what's best for your kids and yourself. You can find a real man, I promise!! As far as your family, back off. I have a family full of alcoholics , drug addicts, gamblers, cheaters and I've tried everything with them. Just love them and keep your distance. I don't mean cut ties but stay away. I could tell you some stories of my exs, family that would blow your mind. Just crazy. It's sad but we have to deal with this best way possible without hurting out children or letting it affect us too much. Hope this helps. I'm here to talk. Just playing in the backyard with my kiddos.

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