I feel like the worlds worst mom some days!

Jay - posted on 12/12/2013 ( 4 moms have responded )




I have a 5 year old daughter who is just so difficult! She doesn't listen to me, she yells and cries and screams when I put her in time out. I don't mean just a tantrum it sounds like someone is beating her the way she screams! In reality I just told her to go to her room and close the door. She picks on her brother who is only 1, and when I say LET GO OF HIM or LEAVE HIM ALONE she doesn't listen unless I yell at her. I hate yelling at her but she doesnt acknowledge me other wise! She does great behavior wise at school, but isn't doing well in everything from writing to coloring. You cant read what she writes (which at this point is barely her own name) and her coloring is just scribbles. I have sat with the staff at her school to try and figure out how to help her..... She can't do the most basic things like zip up her coat, button up pants, put her shoes on the proper feet every time, put her gloves on the right hands every time, pull up her pants when they're slipping she doesnt even notice they're falling down. I just want her to be happy, do well in school, and just listen!!!! She tells me she hates me, wishes she didn't live here, etc etc. It breaks my heart and over the past year I just find my self resenting her. I honestly want to cry right now explaining this. I feel so embarrassed that my child is different and I cant help her! I have worked with a lot of kids as I have been doing child care for years and I have never seen anything like this! Even at her Christmas concert I just wanted to duck my head down and die.... She wouldn't sing, she wouldnt do the moves, she just stood there or looked up at the ceiling shaking her head around. She honestly looked autistic! Not to mention she fell off the bench she was standing on and near the end was holding her self saying I need to pee. I could only think OMG I have "that kid".... I have thought of sending her away for help! Our family is so stressed with her behavior, no family activity is enjoyable. Sorry to be all over the place while writing but I have never let any of these thoughts out! PLEASE HELP! What do I do!? I want to take her to a doctor, but where I live it is so hard to even get in to see one!


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Jay - posted on 12/12/2013




Have had her involved with an OT, physio therapist, school psychologist. It seems to help a bit, but only at school. Also what I mean by "sending her away" is just to get some breathing room to regroup. I don't want to be angry with my child, I do love her to death and would never give up on her.

Rebekah - posted on 12/12/2013




I will echo the other ladies' statements... if you can get her seen by someone, by all means pursue it, whether its through the school or privately. If they do discover something treatable, the earlier the intervention, the more effective its likely to be. If you do end up on a wait-list, at least you are on the list and the time will come.

In the meantime, it sounds like she might benefit from an evaluation by an occupational therapist too, re: the difficulties with handwriting and fine motor skills, dressing herself, etc. That may or may not be available at your school too.

Having her evaluated will not only help her, but help you... you need someone to validate what you are seeing and give you some direction as to how to move forward. I think every parent gets angry at their kids at one time or another, but don't let it build to resentment... there are steps you can take before "sending her away," so please look into them now. She still needs you, and you need that bonding time with her too. I'd also agree with the comment about redirecting her to positive activities, and trying to make an effort to spend just mommy/daughter time to put a positive spin on your relationship. She may also be dealing with jealousy over the time you spend with her brother. Picking on him gets your attention, and negative attention is still attention that she may be craving from you. Be sure that your anger towards her is not perpetuating a cycle of you avoiding her or pushing her away, causing her to seek out your attention in whatever (negative) way she knows how.

Please don't label yourself "worst mom" either... acknowledge that its a hard day or a tough time; its ok to get angry, but keep things in perspective and find healthy ways to let it out/go. Remind yourself you are doing the best you can with what you know at this point, and try to focus on the positive things you ARE doing (like reaching out now for help!) and the positive things that make your daughter special. You may not know exactly how to help her, but you CAN find the resources to equip you so that you will. Celebrate that her behavior is good in school (what are they doing that helps encourage that?), and try to meet her where she is, not by comparing her to what she "ought" to be. She is obviously struggling too, feeling anger/frustration, and doesn't quite know how to cope. Good luck. There are a lot of good books/resources out there, but finding out specifically what is going on with her probably comes first, so you know which approach is most appropriate for her.

Cathy - posted on 12/12/2013




Why not try asking the teacher to refer her to the school psychologist for an evaluation? Sounds like she may have a slight Asperger's syndrome which is a high functioning form of autism. There are lots of behavior modifications that the school can suggest for you. My 4 year old son can be very difficult as well. He has been in therapy for some time now and has drastically improved. If the school can't help then have your pediatrician recommend one for you.

I have found that instead of yelling and screaming, which doesn't work, try to calmly talk to her and then redirect her to do something else. "Hey I don't like you pulling at your brother like that" "why don't we play with a puzzle together...." I know it's easier said than done, but I've started giving lots of hugs and love and positive attention to my 4 year old who also competes with his younger brother of 15 months.

Sara - posted on 12/12/2013




Jay, I have the same issue with my 4.5 year old son! He has many signs of ADHD and ODD but cannot be diagnosed at this time. We've just been implementing stronger disciplines with him. For example he doesn't have a choice when it comes to cleaning his room, or his plate from the table. As for the time out thing that is something you need to be persistant about. If she gets up put her back even if it takes 10 times or more. Since she is 5 she should be having time out/a break for about 5 minutes but it should only be while she is calm and can think about why she is in timeout. I have been doing this with my children for a while now and my son is just getting the hang of it, he hates timeouts and trys to run from me.
I am exactly where you are with behavior issues, with my son, I would definitely try to see the doctor to see if there is something biological going on. I am a teacher by trade as well and have 2 children of my own so I feel for you! Do your best, make sure you have some time to yourself once your kiddos fall asleep. I would also say you may want to journal about your feelings because this allows you to let go of it for a few and just be able to relax, I find my self doing this exact thing. Stay Strong!

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