I gave my daughter condoms, advice?

Maryann - posted on 03/18/2015 ( 31 moms have responded )

11

0

1

Hello.
I have a 15 year old daughter who is a freshman in high school. She is a very mature, intellectual girl. But she confessed to me a few days ago that she has been sexually active since the age of 12. I was shocked mainly because me and my daughter have a very open relationship and she usually confides in me about anything going on in her life. I am a very understanding parent and I would never judge my daughter. After she told me, I went and bought her condoms. Not that I am telling my daughter to go have sex whenever and with anyone, but I can't stop her from doing it if she's been active for the past three years, she isn't going to stop now. I know that sex is completely normal for teens. I want her to be protected and be aware of the consequences of sex, rather than scolding her for doing it. I feel like I did the safe thing, but how would you feel if it was your daughter?

MOST HELPFUL POSTS

Maryann - posted on 03/20/2015

11

0

1

As a single mother I feel as though I have done the best of my ability to take care of my daughter and guide her. I am a good mother and I always listen to her whenever she needs to talk to me. I don't need to be told that I'm not doing a ''good'' job at parenting, because I am. & no I have NOT had her in counseling because I literally just found out about this a few days ago and she hasn't even told me why she decided to have sex so young. I'm not going to treat my daughter like she's crazy or abnormal. Because I know she's not. I am around kids frequently and I know that older kids aren't as innocent as people make them out to be. They KNOW what sex is. I'm not a psychiatrist, but I know that kids having sex young is not something unusual.

On another note, my daughter confessed to me that when she had sex for the first time it was with an older boy. And the first thing that came to my mind was that she was probably manipulated into it. This is not an easy pill to swallow.

Gena - posted on 03/19/2015

303

1

655

I would take her to a gyno to get a check up and talk about what birth control would be good for her. Its good that you gave her condoms. Like Little Miss said,make sure she knows how to use the condoms. Practise on a banana. Explain all the risks of STD's such as HPV,HIV etc to her. Also dont be shy to tell her the risks of STD's that you can get from oral sex.

31 Comments

View replies by

TISHA - posted on 10/23/2016

3

0

0

IMO You did the right thing. Better she uses a condom then to come home pregnant, or worse with a sexual infection. Aids is out there and it kills.

Jodi - posted on 03/23/2015

3,562

36

3907

That's right, she was "feeling" judged. But noone was actually judging her. They are two different things.

Jodi - posted on 03/22/2015

3,562

36

3907

Noone was being judgemental Cicely. They were giving advice. The OP just didn't like it.

Cicely - posted on 03/22/2015

17

0

2

and don't worry the some of the people on here can get judgmental dot take it to heart...

Cicely - posted on 03/22/2015

17

0

2

did you show her how to use them cause a condom is no good unless used right???

Jodi - posted on 03/20/2015

3,562

36

3907

Maryann, noone is suggesting you haven't done your best, nor that you haven't done your job as a parent in the past. But you have come here for advice and now are totally ignoring anything anyone is saying and acting as if there is nothing to be concerned about. Fine, you are around older kids a lot. There are at least two posters on this conversation who WORK with children this age who are advising you that what your daughter has done is not actually normal behaviour. By continuing to justify your daughter having sex at 12 and ignoring the advice that this is not normal you are not doing your job as a parent. Being a single mother is not an excuse not to take action on this now.

As a parent, you don't hear about how your daughter has been having sex since she was 12 and just hand her a packet of condoms. You just don't.

And I will repeat again, YES 12 year olds know what sex is. YES 12 year olds talk about it. But talking, knowing and ACTING are different things altogether. NO 12 year olds DO NOT usually have sex unless there are other issues present. You can tell yourself this all you like, but it doesn't make it true.

"kids having sex young is not something unusual."

Yes...it is something unusual. Only 5% of 12 year olds are sexually active (although only 3% of females). Only 16% of teenagers have even had sex by the time they are 15. The average age at which teenagers have sex is 17. So sex at 12 is NOT common or usual. I wish people would stop depicting that it is.

Studeis have also shown that MOST of these young people between 12 and 15 who have reported sexual activity have also reported multiple partners. This is incredibly concerning as this generally relates to their mental health and self-esteem. As a parent, you should be far more concerned than you appear to be.

Sarah - posted on 03/20/2015

3,880

14

1082

Is starting to wonder about this whole situation. Sounding a bit fishy to me. Or pretty crazy.

Jodi - posted on 03/20/2015

3,562

36

3907

Well, I work with 12 year olds, and I'd be shocked. It is sad that you aren't. Children shouldn't have free space to be having sex at 12. There is something very wrong with this picture.

You know those countries where the age of consent is 13? You'd be having to marry your daughter off. Take your goddamn blinkers off. You and your daughter do NOT have an open relationship. She's been having sex since she was 12 and you didn't know about it. Get your head out of the sand and stop making excuses for your piss poor parenting - just the fact that you have not had your child in counselling for being sexually active at 12 is a huge red flag. Instead you sit back and convince yourself it isn't uncommon. You have PROFESSIONALS on this board who WORK WITH kids this age telling you it is NOT NORMAL and you continue to justify your decisions as a parent.

Maryann - posted on 03/20/2015

11

0

1

I never said I wasn't concerned, I'm just not shocked. When I was growing up most of the girls I hung out with lost their virginities early. In other countries the age of consent is as low as 13. It's just not unusual. Kids have so much free space to have sex. At school, at their friends house, etc. I try to keep an open mind about things. My biggest concern is why I'm just now finding out about this. Me & my daughter have an open relationship, and I always know when something is not right as most mothers do. I am a big part of her life. & most of my daughter's friends live in the same neighborhood as we do.

Sarah - posted on 03/20/2015

3,880

14

1082

I would agree with Jodi. I work with pregnant teens. 12 yr olds don't just have sex. There is no 12 yr old that is experimenting with sex. If the 12 yr old is having sex there are MAJOR concerns. You have taken the stand that you don't want to invade her space well your job as a parent is to invade. You had no idea she was having sex for 3 yrs. That should tell you something there. She is not just going to come and talk to you like a best friend. You are her mom and as long as you let her do what she wants she will tell you only what you want to hear. You need to be a parent that sets limits, invades her space to know what she is doing, with whom, and where she is at. And then you check up her story to make sure that is what she is doing. A 12 yr old having sex means she is allowed to go places, see people, and be unsupervised too much. There are serious concerns here on SO many different levels and you need to face them and not make excuses. Be a parent and parent. Honestly condoms would be the last thing I would have done. First I would have gotten her into the doc. Then into therapy. Then her whole world would have changed and limitations would be set. Friends would be allowed to come over to my house but she would have to earn trust back to go to friends homes. And when she went over I would be checking out who the parents are, making sure they were going to be there the whole time, making sure I knew who else was going to be there, etc.

Jodi - posted on 03/20/2015

3,562

36

3907

Sexual thoughts and acting on them are two totally different things. You are not talking sexual thoughts here. You are talking about a 12 year old who had sex. Stop justifying it as "hormones". 12 year olds do not generally have sex because they are experimenting or think it is cool. In fact, 12 year olds are not generally having sex at all!!! I am incredibly concerned that you are claiming it is not uncommon, because the fact is, it IS uncommon.

I am a high school teacher and wellbeing coordinator for Year 7 (12 year olds) and if you haven't had that child in therapy you are not doing what a parent should be doing at this point. You have absolutely no idea why your daughter had sex at that age, and by the sounds of it, it doesn't concern you.

Maryann - posted on 03/20/2015

11

0

1

@Jodi,
You may be right, but then again it isn't uncommon for kids to have sexual thoughts. They're hormonal. Kids have sex for lots of reason. Sometimes it could be because of trauma from being sexually abused, experimentation, or they could be doing it because they think it's cool, or the boy could have pressured them into it. There are lots of reasons.

Jodi - posted on 03/20/2015

3,562

36

3907

"If they were both around the same age, well, experimentation isn't uncommon."

Um, at 12, yes it is uncommon. Any child having sex at 12 is cause for concern.

Crystal - posted on 03/20/2015

3

0

1

In a way u did the right thing but at the same time u buying them and giving them to her is saying u are ok with her having sex like u support her decision u need to but her on birth control also so no mistakes happen

Lucitta - posted on 03/20/2015

100

0

9

One more thing, probably already said, make sure you are aware of how this started. If she was 12, and the boy was older, then you probably need to get the authorities involved. If they were both around the same age, well, experimentation isn't uncommon.

Lucitta - posted on 03/20/2015

100

0

9

As the mother of a 15 year old. I wouldn't be happy with her for hiding it for so long. I would explain the risks she's taken, and make sure she understands exactly what could go wrong, including STD's, STI's, pregnancy, and even that rumors could get out, damaging her reputation.
I would then explain how I would absolutely prefer her not to be sexually active, but I would also supply her with condoms, tell her that whenever there is a penis out, to use one, and if she runs out, to ask for more.
I think you handled it right, just make sure she's educated.

Maryann - posted on 03/19/2015

11

0

1

@Sarah,
I do understand what you are saying. Being that she's my only child I always wanted to have a close knit bond with her and make her feel comfortable enough to talk to me about anything. I don't invade her space, but I always leave the door open for her to communicate with me about anything. It's hard to keep track of everything that your kids do, because as parents we have our own lives, and teens are developing their own lives as well. But we have discussed diseases and pregnancy. I definitely want her to know the consequences of sex.

Mayfair Placement - posted on 03/19/2015

4

0

0

I have 16 yrs. we're kind of strict parents, reading your story made me realized not to become strict, i mean the way you describe you and your daughter had opened relationship still thing happened one you 'd never thing is gonna happened so soon. Just advice her the right things be around her i guess! .....

Sarah - posted on 03/19/2015

3,880

14

1082

You can't be afraid of her being mad at you. You are her parent. A parent needs to set rules and enforce those rules if/when they are broken. Your job as a parent is to prepare her for being an adult. Part of that is having her realize that there are rules and consequences to those. Big one right now is sex. There are life long consequences to having sex even death. You can't be her friend or be afraid she will be mad at you. Your job is to protect her from the things that she does not understand and to enforce the boundaries.

Maryann - posted on 03/19/2015

11

0

1

I am not a strict parent, you're right. I try to be understanding and willing to listen. Because I don't want my daughter to stray away from me. I definitely will think about taking her to the doctors.

~♥Little Miss - posted on 03/19/2015

21,273

9

3058

That is a very young age. I hate to say it, but by your post you seem to want more of a friend in your daughter, than being a strict parent. Are some kids going to have sex? Yes. I am a mom that would rather supply condoms rather than risk pregnancy. But 12 years old is REALLY young. She should never have been able to have such a chance at that age to have sex.

~♥Little Miss - posted on 03/19/2015

21,273

9

3058

Also talk to her about WHY she thinks she should be having sex, and who with? How many partners has she had? Who is she with now?

Have you met her current sex partner?

~♥Little Miss - posted on 03/19/2015

21,273

9

3058

Really you should bring her to the doctor and have an exam to rule out any and all STD's....then talk with her about the pill so she has back up protection from pregnancy. Also, talk to her about her decision. Talk to her about the emotional impact sex so young can have. Talk to her about the social stigma of girls having sex so young (yes it exists even though we don't want it to) Talk to her about love, relationships, and why she can still wait. Also talk with her about boys that only want one thing especially if they know they can have sex with her. No means no. And condoms are a must. There is no excuse for no condom. Teach her how to put one on just in case. Dead serious on that one.

Raye - posted on 03/19/2015

3,761

0

21

I agree and disagree with some of the advice given. I started having sex at 13. Yes, there were underlying issues. Yes, I was trying to fill a lack of emotional love by using sex. However, I didn't drink very much, even when I had opportunity, and I never did drugs of any kind. My friends would smoke weed and I'd just say "no thanks". I did have a problem choosing guys that weren't good for me. I had a pregnancy scare at 16, and my mom was devastated and got me on the pill. It didn't make me any more promiscuous, but it didn't make me less so either. When I was 18 I was sexually assaulted by my ex-boyfriend that I had dated on/off for 3-1/2 years. I think that scared me to where I got my act together in my twenties (although that's a horrible way to learn a lesson) and now have done fairly well for myself.

You should try to find out the reasons she feels she needs to be sexually active. There probably is some underlying factors that play into it. She should be tested for STD's and shown very graphic pics of what they can do to a person. She should have access to contraceptives to hopefully protect her from pregnancy and STD's. And she should work on her self-esteem.

Jodi - posted on 03/18/2015

3,562

36

3907

Sex at 12 is NOT normal. It is not teenagers experimenting with sex. It is generally the sign of either a sexually abused child, or a child seeking the wrong kind of attention, but there are generally underlying reasons. You also need to question (1) where is she having this sex and (2) who is she having this sex with??? No 12 year old should be getting the unsupervised opportunity to be having sex. I also find it difficult to believe that she has been having sex for 3 years with the same person, so you really need to be concerned about the fact that she may be a 15 year old who has had multiple sexual partners, also very concerning from a psychological perspective.

Sarah - posted on 03/18/2015

3,880

14

1082

If she is having sex at 12 yrs that is not experimenting that is searching for attention in the wrong ways. It is also a good indication that as she gets older she will be into more things like drugs and alcohol. She will also be picking all the wrong guys and most likely getting as STD if not pregnant.

Maryann - posted on 03/18/2015

11

0

1

Oh, well I never thought of it that way. I just thought that maybe since she's going through puberty that she may have wanted to experiment with sex. It's hard to tell.

Sarah - posted on 03/18/2015

3,880

14

1082

Instead of giving her condoms I would get her into counseling. Condoms would be the farthest thing I would give her. If she has been having sex since 12 then there is something major going on that needs to be addressed.

Join Circle of Moms

Sign up for Circle of Moms and be a part of this community! Membership is just one click away.

Join Circle of Moms