I get it, he's just not that into me, how do I move on

Miss Rachel Louise - posted on 09/10/2013 ( 5 moms have responded )

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Baby father is currently engaged to be married to another woman. He lives with her and her three children and has been with her it transpires for nearly 4 years, we've been seeing each other on and off for about 7. He has another son with his first love prior to his fiancé who he sees several times a week, calls every day. Our son was born last September and for all the joy and happiness his birth brought there was also a big fall-out on his side as he had told noone about our son, not even his mum.
Our son is 1 next week, his dad has visited him 3 times in secret, is only just beginning to pay maintance after I went through CSA and thinks I'm going to put up with it. I won't, I can't it's unhealthy and unfair for my son to grow up knowing his dad lives with three children that are not his, sees his half brother all the time and yet does'nt see him from one month to the next. He's been such a rat, has lied to me, accused me of being a stalker when it is the opposite way round if anything, denied our son not being his, I despise his ways yet still love him. YES I KNOW IT'S MAD, why would anyone want to love a shit like that, I don't know if it's hormones, our history prior to the drama, plus our beutiful son together that makes me still hang on in hope that he'll wake up and see sense. That I'm the woman for him, he should be with me efc etc etc. my head tells me to cut myself off completely but my heart is saying forgive and love him....what can I do????

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♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 09/10/2013

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Probably hormones have a lot to do with it, the 1 yr mark is a big one, and gets you sentimental!

Definitely get some counseling, though! I'm glad you saw what I was saying, I do tend to be very direct and blunt! The main concern for your kiddo is the support orders. Getting that in place means you're a bit more financially comfortable (hopefully) and better able to provide for him. Visitation is separate, but should not be discouraged. Its important to get a visitation order so that if he doesn't comply, and wants something else down the road, you have the proof of non compliance, but it also may compel him to visit more often, which is not necessarily a bad thing for your kiddo.

Most importantly, for yourself, you need to find your place in this world, where you don't need the man to make your life complete. Its not healthy for you or your son. Love your son. I can tell you do, and that his being here is not a mistake, and that's awesome. He is the sunshine that came out of that cloud of whatever the guy was thinking when he gave you that gift. But it doesn't mean you have to love the guy, nor that you should even really care!

Good luck, Rachel!

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 09/10/2013

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Get yourself some counseling.

Get paternity established, and court ordered support and visitation, and move forward.

Sounds like you were the "other woman" to begin with, and he's never been fully committed to you. Sex was fine, but he didn't want another kid. Well, honey, you have to move on.

But, I do have to say, you're making some pretty big assumptions too. If your kid is a week old, and his father's seen him 3 times (and you're not together), then how can you say that his father is not seeing him from one month to the next???

Get some court orders in place.

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♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 09/11/2013

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Pm me anytime, Rachel. You're in my thoughts and prayers

Miss Rachel Louise - posted on 09/10/2013

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Thank you Shawnn,

direct and blunt is fine in my world, and very much appreciated, . I will take all you've said on board, things operate slightly different over here in the UK re visitation however I'll still look into that as it never even crossed my mind to draw up something formal. However I see the sense in it as it'll stop him trying to sneak around and turning up as and when he feels like it ( at night when his fiancée thinks he's working or out with friends!)
Thanks for taking the time to reply, all this has been swimming round my head when I could really use the energy elsewhere ie myself and little family unit.

x

Miss Rachel Louise - posted on 09/10/2013

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Thank you for your reply. Brutally straight to the point and what I needed to hear, I think the way I feel is completely unhealthy and am starting counselling in a few weeks.

I think I must have typed that wrong, my son will be 1 next week lol.

And sad but true, you are right, for him it was just sex, despite the fact that in the years we've been having our fling, he's continually asked me to have his child. It was reckless but totally worth having my son for. I was totally prepared to do motherhood on my own as I discovered his situation, and am more than prepared to. It's just I don't understand how I've gone from being ambivalent towards him to feeling madly in love with him...hormones????

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