I get no respect! PLEASE HELP ME!!

Amanda - posted on 10/08/2013 ( 14 moms have responded )

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I love my husband of 9 years and our 3 kids more than anyone in the world. The problem is.....he doesn't respect me. He calls me horrible names and belittles me. He doesn't do this all the time, but a lot of it. I give him the repect and love that he needs and deserves, but I just don't know what to do to get it back. I don't want to split up my family.....but sometimes I feel like that is what he wants, but he wants me to he the one to say "that's it!!" .
What can I do!?! PLEASE HELP MY MARRIAGE!!! :'(:'(

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Queen Of My - posted on 10/08/2013

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Hi Amanda :)
How long have you been married for and is this behavior new or has he always been this way? If it is new, is there something that has started it like loss of job or parent? Are there other problems in your marriage that he is reacting to? Is he always belittling you in the same way - like commenting on one thing or is it a pretty broad spectrum?
The behavior is not okay and he should know that it will not be tolerated. But you should do everything you can to determin why he is acting this way and not just leave - you owe it to your vows and children to do everything that is in your power to resolve this. But at the same time - you can not be expected to tolerate that. You deserve better.
Have you sat him down and had a calm discussion with him regarding this? Not as a reaction right after he says it but later when things are quiet and calm. Have you straight out asked him if he is doing this to push you towards divorce? Does he know that you take it seriously and are truly hurt by his comments? Is he deliberately trying to hurt you or is he just being insensitive? Have you seen a marriage councilor? Does he do this on a daily basis or just when he has had a bad day? Does he speak to your children or his friends or other family the same?
I hope you are able to figure this out because that is no way to live! And I hope there is a fix easier than divorce or therapy... ~hugs

Jode - posted on 10/10/2013

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verbal abuse only gets more verbal when not confronted and stopped. When that continues it leads to physical abuse. Its not your fault, we are weakened when abused from the start, and it continues through our weakness. I cant tell you how because I have and am suffering the same, but looking at some of the replies I am encouraging you to get help, counseling before it gets too late and you are searching a way out like me. my prayers are with you ..keep in mind, i recently posted about my son being bullied and I know now where it started, because I allowed my husband to do the same with me. thank you Michelle,,Queen of my castle and Gena for your help and please I pray help for Amanda as well

Michelle - posted on 10/09/2013

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You have to make sure to let him know that taking out his bad day on you is NOT on. Tell him that if he's that grumpy when he gets home he should tell you he is going for a walk for an hour or so and get out of the house. It's HIS problem to deal with. Walking would also help him to calm down and get the endorphins going. It should put him in a better mood.

Michelle - posted on 10/08/2013

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Verbal and mental abuse is just as bad as physical abuse and this is what he's doing.
You need to go to a counselor, even if it's on your own if he won't go together. If it goes on long enough you start to believe what he says, your self esteem plummets and you think that no one else would want you so you stay.
I have been there!!! It has taken me 8 years since I left to get my self esteem back and realize that I wasn't the problem in our marriage, he was.
This line has red flags for me: "I give him the repect and love that he needs and deserves" The way he is treating you he DOESN'T deserve respect at all.

Queen Of My - posted on 10/08/2013

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:( has he agreed to counseling? It sounds like he is really angry about something. It is pretty common for spouses to take thier bad day out on eachother - but it is not okay to name call or belittle - especially in front of the kids.

How is his relationship with his dad?

I think you need to sit him down and lay it out very directly. Tell him you are concerned about your marriage. Tell him you can not live forever with the name calling and belittling. Have precise example ready because he will probably ask. Tell him it is okay to angry - but not okay to deal with it the way he does. Tell him you love him and desperately want your marriage to work. Ask him what he needs from you. If you are asking him to change his behavior - it's fair that he asks you to do the same - more sex , look datenight ready once a week, give him an hour of silence when he gets home - who knows - he might need the craziest thing - but embrace it and give it an honest and sincere try.
9 years is a very long time. Have you heard of the seven year itch? Basically it's a theory that relationships change in the seventh year. Both parties are overly comfortable and maybe more focused on daily routine than eachother. One person starts realizing they have missed out on this or that and feel like they may not ever get the chance to do it. It may lead to cheating or resentment... I wonder if this is what you are going through. I wonder if he feels like he needs more drone life or your relationship.
Do some hard thinking. Know exactly what you want to say to him, have specific examples of what you don't like and what you won't tolerate and what the consequences are of changes not being made. It won't be plesant but it may save your marriage. Good luck!

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Amanda - posted on 10/09/2013

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@Queen
I am so sorry about what happened with your mom, and I pray to God things don't get that bad for us. We had a talk last night about the way he acted yesturday, and he said it was because he had a bad morning at work. I told him that wasn't my fault and the way he treated me was totally uncalled for and hurt me very bad. He said he was sorry and would try to control himself better. I just hope he does. We have more than the 2 of us invested in this relationship, we have 3 small kids whi deserve a happy mommy and daddy all the time, nit just when Daddy feels like it. Thanks for your consern, it's really appreciated :-)

Queen Of My - posted on 10/09/2013

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Hi Amanda, how was your night?
I just wanted to say I agree with Michelles post. Some counciling for yourself may be a good thing.
My mom has been in a relationship for 16 years with a man who has become increasingly more abusive. It started with name calling and belittling and it progressed to the point she couldn't have a relationship with anyone - even me! He actually told her if she came to my sons 3rd birthday he would change all the locks to the house and steal everynigt she owns and make sure she ended up homeless.
That was the becoming of a downward spiral. Long story short, he ends up pointing a gun at her ( it ended up being a BB gun but looked very real). She called the cops, there was a no contact order and she ended up loosing the house, her dog, everything - even her pictures and stuff she owned prior to thier relationship - because he made her weak - to weak to fight back.
So she left for a year, saw the abuse but never got counseling - now - just recently - she is starting to get back with him!!! I cant believe it!
But it just goes to show how verbal abuse can spiral out of control. This needs to stop immediately! If he won't get help, you need a professional to help you be stronger and reverse the damage he is causing!

Amanda - posted on 10/08/2013

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Now, he came home from work and everything is fine. Hopefully it stays that way :-)

Amanda - posted on 10/08/2013

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We'll been married 9 years in December. He doesn't treat our kids like this at all, but he does do this infront if them.
He treats me like this more when he's had a bad day at work and even if he's talked to or spent time with his dad. And even his friends.
I've asked him why he does this and he always says because I've been a bitch or pissed him off even when I haven't.
I've talked to him about counsiling or even talking to the father at our church. Everytime we fight....."it's my fault". I don't want my marriage to be over!! :'(

Shatoria - posted on 10/08/2013

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Hi Amanda I know how you feel but that's not right at all you might love him and all but if he is calling you names and putting you down this is a person who doesn't care under no circumstances should a man do this to his wife the mother of his children he might be doing this cus he wants to be in control or is insecure about himself I feel like he just takes you for granted and you don't deserve we don't people around who are going to be putting you down keep your head up

Grace - posted on 10/08/2013

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First I will do is to seat down and ask him why is reacting that way, what is made him angry, what be done to make him confortable with family etc just sit down and talk to find down what is the problem cause that is a sign that he is angry and most be a reazon for to react that way.

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