I had to admit the abuse from my 28 years old daughter and only child

JC - posted on 10/10/2016 ( 8 moms have responded )

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My adored daughter, she is 28, smart, funny, was raised mostly by me, as her father and I divorced when she was 10.
There was no abuse in the home, both professional my husband was also a narcissist not as severely as her. I was married for almost 18 years, he had two children from a previous marriage that he abandoned, he was 10 years older than me,
Despite my repeated pleas of having his children over, he always turned me down, asking me to mind my own business.
When our daughter was born, he was a devoted father, he even quit his wonderful job for "taking care of the baby" asking me to return to work.
( I had hired a full time living nanny) so he did not do much, except his parade in the neighborhood with a beautiful baby and free time!
That led to serious discussions, he refused to hear me out, I was writing him, thinking that it was a less confrontational way of solving our differences for the sake of our child and maybe to salvage our marriage.
NOpe! all he cared is what he wanted, that led me to divorcing him, and serve him (he was an attorney:) the ultimate revenge from my part :)
He never paid child support, supporting his cause by saying that I divorced him, so now raising our daughter was my problem, and went moved back to another country.
I compensated the absence of her father by spoiling her, and as I had a very demanding work schedule and feeling guilty for coming home late, and letting her with nannies, I overlooked all the aspects of discipline, always validating her behavior
and excusing her.
she always had good grades, and excelled in school, never got into trouble and we had a decent relationship based on honesty and love.
She acted up when senior in High school (graduated at 16) and she thought that the world owed her because she was smart and sassy.
She belittled me and challenged me, moving out for a few weeks, thinking that I was going to beg her, after she disrespected me.
I did not play her game, and the friends she was staying with begged of me to forgive her as she was falling a part.
She always had that arrogance toward me and defiance, taking up on me the absence of her dad (as we did not hear from him in years). challenging me was a game for her, and she thought she will win, (she had to think again) she constantly put me down etc... and I was thinking that of course, teenagers acting up.
She was in the hand of therapist for a while, and I could see the difference.
But he moved to another town and she was devastated.
First year in college were hard for her, as she could not be the new bratty kid.
She is popular, smart and pretty and got new friends, I was paying her school, rent, her phone etc...
The first significant episode was a few years ago, when I was late to pay the phone and we got the phone cut off for a couple of days until I could pay the bill.
She went OFF! on me, calling me Looser, it was rage, vomiting horror, I was in disbelief! I told her with love ( I am very spiritual) that this behavior has no room here, and I wont tolerate it.
She responded, that she wont take of me when I am old! I answer, that she never got my back nor take care of me, so I won't see a difference,
she added, that if I kept on sending my BS, spiritual love email, that she will cut me off,
I call upon her bluff and responded, by all mean, your wishes are coming true!
She freaked out and apologize, stating that she was angry, bla bla bla. same BS.
So, last year I was assaulted by an homeless person, and ended in the hospital, and in bed could not walk for 6 months.
She texted ONCE! never ask which hospital I was, if was getting better, nothing.
I was devastated, and that added to my pain was almost unbearable. she knows that I love her so much, so she feels invincible.
She did mentioned recently that the raison she is the way she is , is because what happen to her in college, when I asked her? she says one day I will tell you.
Fast forward, she graduated, and did not even invite me to the graduation as I pay for all her studies and living for 4 years! heart broken!
She comes to town on a regular basis, and stay with friends, giving me crumbs of her time, unless she needs something.
Due to the assault, I have not been able to drive in a year and sold my car, so she has no interest in me.
Recently, my mother passed away living me her estate, now she is interested in me again.
We had a private memorial for my mom here, (she passed away in another country where she lived), she came to town for a week before the memorial, party with her friends, came almost late to the memorial flanked with some of friend, showing how caring she was, and treating me like crap! that was my big wake up call!!
Enough! I am not gonna loose my sanity, I deserve to be treated with respect and love the way I treat her and people in my life.
After looking up online articles and getting educated about the narcissistic disorder, I did not call her on the horrible behavior she displayed at her grandmother memorial.
and did not got in touch with her as she was returning to her home and her co-dependent boyfriend who worship her.
So, she called a few days ago, asking about my inheritance (I am an only child, and all comes to me and me only) and that she wanted jewelries??? of course, I was waiting for the other shoe to drop.
After reading all the sites, it seems that cutting her off is the only way to go, I love her very much, and it really breaks my heart, but I wont her treat me that way,
do you think there is possibility of Healing ? I read and view on youtube Lisa A Romano. who testify that she has now a good relationship with her son.
I want to focus on the solution, not the problem, and pray for guidance and help.
As I dread when she comes, and dread if I go to visit, (which is rarely)
Thank you so much for reading and for your kind thoughts as we are mother and the bond that we have with our children in unbreakable, and even if a separation is a necessity, I want to believe that there will be a recovery.
THANK YOU!
J.C

MOST HELPFUL POSTS

Ev - posted on 10/10/2016

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Thatt was the problem from the get go--you spoiled her, never held her accountable for her actions or choices, and you havve allowed her to walk all over you.

Krissy - posted on 10/10/2016

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Cut her off, give her nothing and force her to stand on her own 2 feet, she will be furious of course because you have given your all to her and she's a spoilt girl but she's also an adult and if she wants to act like a big girl well then, it's time for the big girl to stand on her own 2 feet. Don't dare give her anything and then of course you'll be greeted with nasty hateful words, but enough is enough, you can't keep carrying an unappreciative child. There's an old saying my nan used to say.....

If you love something, set it free
If it comes back it's yours
If it doesn't, it never was

That girl doesn't know just how lucky she is, I would have given anything to have a mother like you, my mother is like your daughter and I am like you, my mother demanded everything from me from a small child, I was the oldest of 5 and I raised my siblings while she partied,when I grew older I gave her money and items all the time, I got sick of it. It's been 9 years since I last spoke to her, I'm not going to either, it's not up to me to mend her damage she done. Let her walk on her own, either she'll wake up or she won't, you can't change her, she has to change herself.

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JC - posted on 10/12/2016

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I want to thank you for your kind words and for taking the time to direct me to a wonderful article.
Your compassion and kindness shows respect for mothers and brings hope to my heart.
Your support is truly appreciated,

Kindest regards,

JC

P - posted on 10/11/2016

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You have been so open to share your heart and your pain with this community. Unfortunately, it seems there is a current trend in our society to disrespect parents and those in authority, and your daughter has fallen prey to that attitude. I know that you love your daughter with all your heart, and I hope you can find a way to NOT take on all the responsibility for her behaviors. Every one of us arrives at adulthood with emotional baggage of some kind, and each individual has to make a decision how they will handle that baggage. My recommendation to you is to keep showing healthy love to your daughter, but establish some boundaries in your life to keep her from hurting you with every encounter. There is a good article online about putting boundaries in place with your adult kids that might be helpful to you: http://www.focusonthefamily.com/parentin...

JC - posted on 10/11/2016

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I agree with you, but I grew up in a single family home, were my mom was constantly verbally abuse, and I made a promise to myself that I would never act like her.
I suffered so much from her cold treatment, I realize that the opposite does not work either!

Thank you so kindly

JC - posted on 10/11/2016

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I think you misunderstood me, the messages I sent her were spiritual, not religious.
Messages of love and support.
I thought it was a support mom's group, not a blaming one!
To raise her alone I have worked 15 hours/day, not much time left to spend home, guilt was eating me.
Thank you for taking the time to reply to my post.

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 10/10/2016

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You never taught her to be any different, so you can't blame her behaviour entirely on her (besides that, you have excused her poor behaviour for her ENTIRE life, why change now?) Or on her father.

You have also not acted the adult. By stooping to her level and telling her that her life will be horrible, you acted the teenager yourself.

You say you respect her, but when she tells you to stop sending spiritual or religious emails, you tell her that she is some sort of evil being...but she doesn't have to agree with your religion, nor does she have to practice it, so you aren't being respectful in that regard.

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