I hate my son's fiance. I joined because I saw a thread on this subject, but now I can't find it.

Jessica - posted on 12/07/2013 ( 15 moms have responded )

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My 20 year old son, I found out last night from his to-be-in-laws, is engaged to a woman-girl I despise. Unfortunately, I introduced them after he went through a nasty break up with the last "love of his life," This girl is the daughter of my husband's boss. HUGE POINT) They have been together for about a year, and over this time my son, who was wonderful, open and a huge part of this family has become sneaky, deceptive, manipulative, a liar and thief all because of her, I feel. Twice I have found pills which look like Mollies in his car that I bought him, an empty bottle of tequila, and they have beat this car up to death. I finally took the car away, and because he has a job (and at that point did not pay rent) went out and bought another car. Months later I found out he lied again. He swore he had insurance on his car, and when it came home with a bashed in hood, to which he said he had no idea what happened (someone must have backed into me at work) I found a ticket for driving without insurance along with two pipes to smoke dope.

Since then, he has lied to me continually, blown up the engine in his car under very suspicious circumstances, bought another car with this girl, sold it before it was paid for and then reported it stolen, stolen money from me, and a host of other atrocities.

I've been so nuts about this I started seeing a therapist. When the whole story came out, she told me I had to tell him to get his own place--otherwise I would ruin my own life. I gave him the move out date. He's still here. He won't leave. I told him that he had to pay rent and his girl couldn't come over any more. He paid rent once.

The reason I hate her is because she caused my son to abandon his college career because she needed him too constantly for him to go to work.Or she'd be in his room watching TV while he was trying to work. We'd tell her to leave, but both of them would refuse. He'd be trying to do homework and she'd call with a crisis. He would bolt out the door to save her. He ended up flunking one of his classes. Then he dropped out. Specific offenses:

1) My son and I shared the new car his father and I bought him for graduation from high school. We couldn't afford another new car for me. Whenever I needed the car to go to work or grocery shopping, she would need him to pick her up for a doctor's appointment, a VERY IMPORTANT family get together, or assorted other reasons meaning I couldn't have a car to use. Most of the time I found out these were lies.
2) I demanded when she came over that they keep four feet on the floor and doors open--didn't happen. When I caught them "doing the deed" she yelled at me for invading my grown up son's privacy.
3) I had given my son a JC Penneys credit card to use when he first started working. He gave it to her to use to buy clothes because her parents told her to get a job.
4) She continually lectured me about losing my son because I still treated him as if he were not a grown up
5) The last straw--I had to be at work at 9 am one Saturday. Chris wasn't home and I was worried sick because of the drugs I found. I asked her, politely to tell me where I was so I could find out, first, if he was okay, and second, to find my car (we live in a relatively small town, and word had it he was close by). She told me it was classified information--none of my business.
6) I keep asking them to make calls on the home phone because they go over out cell phone's minutes level every month (I can't afford a better plan). Do they comply? NO, of course not.

She dropped out of high school in her sophomore year, became addicted to drugs--just like her mother and father--was nearly kicked out of her home because of her laziness--wouldn't go back to school, wouldn't get a job. When my son helped her get a job and paid rent to her parents so she could stay there, she stayed on the job 4 days and quit. Her grandparent paid to send her to driving school to get a driver's licenseand she dropped out. They bought her a car--it's sitting on the road collecting dust.

Now she has been accepted into the Job Corps and until I found out about this engagement, I thought it was my opportunity to de-program him.

HELP HELP HELP! I don't want to "disown," shut him out, or give up on him, but there is no way in hell I'm going to condone this!

Any words of wisdom???

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♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 12/11/2013

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Ditto exactly Jodi's post. And, I reiterate:

Stop enabling your son.

Stop blaming his girlfriend for choices that he, as an adult, has made. He's a big boy, capable of succeeding or ruining his life on his own.

Stop paying for every damned thing. (And on that note, you CAN afford a better cell phone plan. Its called prepaid. I don't pay over $50/month for my phone. My 19 YO Adult son pays $35 a month for his, and I pay $40/month for my younger son & $35/month for my husband. All is unlimited call, text & data, so nice try on the sob story about your unnecessary phone plan)

If you've given him notice to be out, and he refused, you can now have him forcibly evicted. Get him out, on his own. You can still love him all you want, but since he's choosing to make poor decisions, you cannot blame anyone else for that. Except, maybe yourself and your husband for continuing to enable his poor choices.

Jodi - posted on 12/07/2013

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Does your son not have a brain of his own? Because essentially, you are accusing him of not being able to make his own choices, which ultimately, if you have a child who can't make his own choices, well.......that is not everyone else's problem.

Why are you still enabling his behaviour? he is having sex in your house, stealing from you, dropping out of college, trashing your car, using phone credit YOU are paying for......Just let him know you are not okay with these things and that if he can't comply with the rules of your house, he has to leave.

Allow me to go through your list:
1. He didn't need a new car. it was your choice to purchase a car you had to share. No kid "needs" a new car. If you don't like how he was managing that, then sell it and get two cheap cars - or better yet, with his level of disrespect, maybe it's time for him to buy his own.
2. If he isn't following your rules in your home, tell him it must be time for him to have his own home where the rules can be his own. It sounds to me like he is an adult, and while I understand your rules state no sex under your roof, that wasn't an agreed rule between two adults (doesn't even sound like it was a discussion) it was a demand.
3. It was HIS card to do with as he likes. It is none of your business how he chose to spend it. It was a gift. Gifts are not generally conditional.
4.She's right. You aren't treating him like an adult, and you will lost him if you try to fight him about this. You will push him away if you don't accept her and if you don't acknowledge that he is now an adult.
5. She's also right - you don't need to know where he is 24/7. he IS an adult, and while you may be concerned and worried about him, his whereabouts, while it would be common courtesy to let you know, as an adult, he doesn't have to. If you don't like that he broke the rules, ask him to move out. If he has your car, again, you don't need to share the car, that was a choice.
6. Stop paying their cell phone bill. Simple.

It is NOT his girlfriend's fault (no matter how much you dislike her) that he is lying stealing, and just generally being a first class asshole. They are HIS choices he has made. Stop focusing on laying blame elsewhere and realise it is HE who is responsible for these poor choices.

Angela - posted on 12/11/2013

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SiMpLiCiTy's post has presented a lot of food for thought ....

She's right, he's his own person. Don't blame the partner!

Unfortunately, many people don't like "change". They say "If it ain't broke, don't fix it ..." And I'm sorry to say that this applies to over-protective parents MORE than anyone else. Young people who are given the freedom to make their own mistakes, usually learn a few lessons the hard way. Learning the hard way really DOES mean a lesson is learned and learned WELL. Now it might've been a whole lot easier to just abide by the guidance and rules supplied by one's parents. However, so much of this "Do as you're told and trust in Mommy & Daddy" might well make a law-abiding, hard-working, tax-paying and generally SENSIBLE citizen out of any compliant individual" but it doesn't actually make a MATURE person out of anyone - as in someone who can take a measured approach and make wise choices independently. This is something we learn by experience - and mostly it can ONLY be learned by experience.

Keep your offspring wrapped in cotton wool too long and guess what? You have an immature "child" of adult age because they weren't allowed to spread their wings a little, gradually having this freedom increased in increments as time went on. They may well be honest, law-abiding and all the rest of it but they're often so naive, gullible and "wet behind the ears" regarding life, other people etc ... that they're ripe for exploitation by the unscrupulous.

So .... when a son or daughter decides things for themselves and makes a few independent choices that don't agree with Mommy & Daddy, they tend to "blame" the new influence in that person's life. It might be a friend, it might be a boyfriend/girlfriend, it might be a co-worker or, indeed, ANYBODY.

Don't blame the new "influence" - be GLAD that someone is showing your child their options and advising them of new experiences that will lead to ultimately to wisdom and maturity. And he'll make a few wrong choices along the way. Nobody's holding a gun to your son's head regarding these choices either.

Far worse is the adult offspring who in his 40's "hid" behind his parents! I knew someone like this. This person didn't have the assertiveness to tell other adults to get lost, or to refuse them some favour they were trying to wheedle out of him. He used his parents as an excuse, "my mother wouldn't like it, sorry - I can't help you ..."

Be around to support but don't enable him. Get him out of your home and stop the cell phone account. If it's in your name this is still quite easy. All you do is tell the phone network the phone has been lost/stolen. If it's a GSM phone they'll kill off the SIMcard and send you a new SIMcard with the same phone number on (they may even offer you a different number if you ask). They will also "kill" (blacklist) the phone so it won't work with a SIMcard from ANY phone network in your country - this can be permanent OR temporary. If you can get hold of the handset/instrument your son has been using you can even have the blacklisting turned around so the phone works again (but don't let your son get hold of it).

If he's getting himself into a mess with buying/selling/failing to insure cars himself, let him get on with it. Not your problem. Especially not your problem if he's not living in your house.

Cut those apron strings, let him live his life. You'll actually find that this action will consequently allow YOU to live YOUR life!!

SiMpLiCiTy - posted on 12/09/2013

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Ok, first I'd like to start off by saying, my mother in law is just like you! She puts all the blame off on me for how much her son has changed, she's constantly telling lies about me on the Internet and trying to fight me and its even to the point of us just staying away from her completely to have a little peace. I'm gonna give you a little advice, my husband is a grown ass man, I don't tell him what to do, I don't put things in his head like you mother in laws claim all the girlfriends to do. He changed on his own. He was 24 years old still living at home with mommy, no job, no nothing and getting high with his mother everyday when I met him. Now he's 29, has a full time job, we own our home, have two kids and I only had to ask him once to lay the drugs down and he never touched them again, surprisingly. His mother blames me for everything, she would rather him be with his ex wife who stole everything he had and sold it for drug money, who done so many drugs with him he wouldn't come home for weeks at a time bc he didn't want his mom to see him so messed up, he was in an out of jail with her and she even robbed a gas station an if not for cameras he would have went to prison bc he was the one driving and didnt have a clue she was gonna do that. That's what kinda person his mother has picked out for him. Why doesn't she like me? Well it's simple really, her son isn't the same ol kiss your ass man she once knew, her son takes care of his family instead of her. You know what he says about her... Says he don't know where he went wrong raising her. That's sad for a man to have to say. He took care of her bc she was to sorry to take care of him and now that he's not doing it anymore, it's all my fault, I put things in his head, I made him such a horrible person that he works his ass of every single day to take care of his family and doesn't do drugs or bother anyone.let me tell you something sweetheart, I am sick and tired of the daughter in laws being blamed for a grown ass mans choices/changes. People change and I assure, if your son didnt wanna do those things he wouldn't. I didn't even read your whole post, the first paragraph was enough! Get your head out of your ass and realize its him, NOT HER!!! It's things like this that tear families apart. We haven't spoken to his mother in almost a year bc it got so bad we couldn't even take our kids to see her without her trying to fight me. Now my kids can't even see their grandpa who they absolutely adore bc of her. Stop blaming her before your son never speaks to you again. If you really wanna have a relationship with your son, I'd apologize to her and tell him to get out and stop being a bum. HATE TO RAIN ON YOUR PARADE DARLING, BUT THIS IS ALL HIM!!!

Michelle - posted on 12/08/2013

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If being a drug addict is par for the course I wouldn't want my husband in that "business".

15 Comments

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Rose - posted on 12/11/2013

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Oh my dear.
Pack up his things put them out side change your looks on your door he is a big boy now 20 years old not 15. If he wants to act that way it's time for him to Go just tell him I have know time for you games I have better things to do with my time. Tell him you love him. You have to stick with it. I have a 17yr old girl going to be a mom in two months and her boyfriend is a ass I can't stand him.
But it is not are place to tell them.
I hope this helps. Rose

SiMpLiCiTy - posted on 12/09/2013

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And one more thing.... I actually found this site by googling how to deal with my evil mother in law and sister in law.. My post before sounded a bit mean and that was not at all my intentions. You just don't know what kind of problems you are causing this girl, I've had to deal with my in laws doing things like this, but much worse, to me and my family for the last 5 years. I've gotten so down that I've thought about suicide and now therapy. And it's bc of his mother and sister doing me the exact same way, I'm the one to blame for all the family problems. Seeing what they've done to me, emotionally and physically, not to mention his mother disowning her own grandchildren bc she doesn't like me, is what changed him in the first place. Pls think things through before lashing out at the gf, it truly isn't her fault.

Jessica - posted on 12/09/2013

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Jodi's post is amazing - excellent words of wisdom. It most certainly is NOT the girl's fault. Sure, her choices and actions aren't particularly likeable, but neither are your son's. He sounds like he's frustrated. He needs more freedom. Let up on the reins and let him run and make mistakes. There's no need to be harsh here...no need to tell him to 'grow up' or 'be a man' (those are meaningless, ridiculous phrases that will accomplish NOTHING), no need for you to tell him to leave her, no need for you to shut him out...all you have to do is say to him AND yourself, "It's time for you to have more freedom. You seem like you know what you want, so go and get it". Step back...let him go. You can help him by being there emotionally...support him with words and actions...NOT money or possessions. If he ever complains about not getting stuff from you, remind him that it's HIS job to get what he wants. If he gets into trouble, you may want to offer him the odd meal at your home so he gets basic needs met and knows that you haven't shut him out.
Whatever you do, do not act aggressively because it will only breed contempt. If he does something you don't like, you can say that you are disappointed in his choices, but don't lecture...that won't work now. He'll thank you for it when he's older.

LalaBoom - posted on 12/09/2013

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He's 20 y/o <--- That qualifies as an adult, at least leagally.

Kick him out.

Support from a distance.

Case closed.

Yajaira Jacqueline Aleman - posted on 12/09/2013

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I agree. With jodi and if its this bad stop worrying about him kick him out and worry about your husband

Jessica - posted on 12/08/2013

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Yes, unfortunately it's true about the my husband's boss. It's actually par for the course for the business he's in.

Anna - posted on 12/08/2013

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I thought she was the daughter of your husband's boss? Now suddenly her parents are drug addicts?

Jesse - posted on 12/08/2013

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Try and focus your attention on how much you love your son and not on how much you hate his girlfriend, she has control of the one thing you don't, obviously his mind which at this age is most likely in his pants. She'll always win so you have to refocus you energy on your relationship with him. Stop enabling him, stop paying for everything. Men get married, not boys, tell him to grow up and let him know doing so would be a lot easier with his parents support. Good luck.

Michelle - posted on 12/08/2013

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I agree with Jodi on everything. I just want to clear something up though. In the first paragraph you say this girl is the daughter of your husbands boss and near the end you say she dropped out of high school and became addicted to drugs just like her parents.
Surely if her father is your husbands boss, he isn't a drug addicted dropkick like you are implying.
Correct me if I'm wrong though.

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