I hate you.

Rick - posted on 06/20/2013 ( 27 moms have responded )

8

0

0

How do you react when your three-year-old says "I hate you,I hate you,I hate you"?

MOST HELPFUL POSTS

Dove - posted on 06/23/2013

11,681

0

1349

I tell my kids every day, multiple times/day that I love them. You SHOULD tell your kids that you love them and NEVER take it for granted that they already know. Saying it is just as important as showing it.

Dove - posted on 06/25/2013

11,681

0

1349

Kelly, I sure hope you are a troll... I've seen some REALLY horrifying responses from you on several posts. Might I suggest some counseling or parenting classes if you are, in fact, not a troll? Your kids will thank you some day.

If that's how you treat a 3 year old.... good luck is all I have to say for the future.

Dove - posted on 06/20/2013

11,681

0

1349

You don't. They don't mean it.... they are just angry at not getting their way.

Firebird - posted on 06/20/2013

2,660

30

521

Both. She said "I hate you" because I reprimanded bad behaviour, so I was doing my job, and it was also a tactical move because she said it to upset me but my response to it didn't give the impression that I was hurt. I wasn't hurt by it either, most small children go through the I hate you phase, and I'm tough enough to simply not let it bother me. There were even times that I laughed at her for saying it. After a couple of months of only occasionally saying it, she gave up realizing that it wasn't guilting me into letting her have her way.

27 Comments

View replies by

Rick - posted on 07/10/2013

8

0

0

a pat on the butt? That sounds like positive rather than negative reinforcement.

Jennifer - posted on 06/27/2013

17

2

5

Truthfully rick i would give the kid a couple pats on his/her butt to send the message that it is not ok to say that

Rick - posted on 06/25/2013

8

0

0

right. Putting words to feelings, and giving kids word to put to feelings is a very important part of building emotional intelligence. ALso 3years old is not too young to teach the difference between "I'm angry" and "I'm mad" (mad is crazy angry). Good age to talk about not reacting to feelings, but making good decisions. Being thoughtful and creative in our responses rather than reactive. A parent can even say, "I'm sorry. I just reacted when you did that and it made me mad." It's not good to be mad. If we react to being angry we can do stupid things. Better to think of a smart, creative thing to do. (and then give an example--even act it out--even make him/her laugh. Humor is great for liberating us from reacting routinely to our feelings.

Angela - posted on 06/25/2013

2,457

9

322

@ Kelly. How nice - you advise she hits her child! Were YOU hit as an infant aged 3? You certainly weren't adequately educated, your post is full of spelling errors - I almost thought you were only about 3 yourself.

To Rick Ackerly - Sal Geere and Misty Wyles have given better counsel on this issue, listen to them!

Sal - posted on 06/24/2013

1,816

16

34

Don't react to those words, it is said as they are 3 and have limited skills on how to respond to certain situations, if you get upset and have a give a ott reaction the behaviour will be reinforced and they'll try it again.. I usually respond by saying that's ok but you still have to eat your dinner pick up your toys or what ever else they are trying to avoid by the confrontation

Kelly - posted on 06/24/2013

45

0

1

Calmly smack them in the mouth and toss them in there room lock the room up i would be mad tell them..."YOU SIT IN HERE AND THINK ABOUT WHAT YOU SAY BEFORE YOU SPEAK U WILL SIT IN HERE INTIL I THINK ITS OK TO COME OUT"!! And take all there toys out of the room say "NO TOYS U DONT DESERVE TOYS"!!! its disaplin not abuse its just a conceqence so do it

Misty - posted on 06/24/2013

6

0

1

My son is now 4 and has told me many times that he hates me over the last year. I can tell you I have never spanked him for this comment. I asked his therapist and she said to try to dig to the root cause. I realized he was saying he hates me when he is mad. I have now learned to ask what he is feeling and explain that it is OK to be mad at mommy but know that even when he is mad at me I still love him. We have also talked to him that hate is not a nice word and now if he hears it anywhere he will make sure to tell me hate is a bad word. He no longer uses that word and now tells me when he is mad at me. No matter if they mean it or not the word does hurt and I think that is the hardest part as a parent but know she does not hate you but probably is trying to figure out how to express her feelings.

~♥Little Miss - posted on 06/24/2013

21,273

9

3058

AND, you cannot MAKE anyone disrespect you. You earn respect, you MAKE someone fear you.

~♥Little Miss - posted on 06/24/2013

21,273

9

3058

UUMMMMMMMMmmmmmm...yeah....remain calm but smack her in the mouth. I do believe that contradicts itself. Smacking will just teach her to hit you instead of saying i hate you.....and hitting her will actually MAKE her hate you. Discipline and physical abuse are 2 different things. Smacking is hitting. Hitting is abuse. It sounds more like ABUSE of power rather than discipline.

Kelly - posted on 06/24/2013

45

0

1

Omg!! I think you should remain calm smack the childs mouth and set her down in her room say "THIS IS WHAT YOU GET FOR YOUR MOUTH LANAGUGE YOU SIT IN HERE UNTIL YOU RESPECT ME"!! if the kid cries say im NOT sorry you deserve it children learn when disaplined its not abusive its conceqence im very very very very very mad at my triplets grr...that was for my kids my brain goes roarrrr when my kids disrespect me its my power its my duty to make them

~♥Little Miss - posted on 06/24/2013

21,273

9

3058

Rick, I think you misinterpreted my words a bit. What I mean by HUGE deal, is when she says it, tell her how much you also love her, and lots of hugs. Don't feed into the i hate you part, but show lots of love and encouragement when I love you is spoken. It is not obvious like you say it is about the word love. They are learning. They don't automatically understand any of it. Like I said, it is the reaction they understand. When the words I love you are spoken, and it is greeted back with love and encouragement, it is seen as a good thing. When I hate you is spoken, and greeted with punishment or whatever else, seeing mom and dad get upset, they see this and learn how to use it to their advantage.

Rick - posted on 06/23/2013

8

0

0

To Mili, I agree with Little Miss except making a big deal about "I love you." Me thinks its protesteth too much. "I love you" should be so obvious by now that it doesn't even need to be said, but it you want to say it, just say it. Making a HUGE deal of it, makes it a little suspect from a kid's point of view. As so many people have said, "I hate you" is just a 3yearold's attempt to say "I am at all happy about the position you are taking on this." Understanding it in any other way is not understanding children and opening yourself up for more of it.

~♥Little Miss - posted on 06/23/2013

21,273

9

3058

Just tell her how much you love her. They don't understand the power of words right now, just the power of the reaction to the word. The more you address it, the more she will use it. Instead, make a HUGE deal over "I love you".

Mili - posted on 06/23/2013

1

0

0

My girls are older now. The oldest is 13. I do recall hearing that comment when one of them was a toddler. Yes, your feelings are hurt, but do not let it bother you too much. Easy said than done, I know. Children are manipulative. They will do and say a lot to get their way or your "attention. " Do your best to let it roll off your shoulder. The child is three. You either punished her or did something that was not to her liking. Let her know that what she said was not nice. You can then make her go to her room, take away a toy, tell her no tv or...do something other than spank her, so that she will think twice about saying it again.

Dawn - posted on 06/22/2013

8

0

0

Explain that hate is not a nice word, we don't use it, just like shut-up and stupid along w curse words. And that she doesn't hate u she dislikes that she cannot do what she wants. I made a mad/happy face for my daughters door and she changes it to display her mood, if she is mad she can change the face then we know and I let her have her time.

Kelly - posted on 06/22/2013

45

0

1

Calmly just put pick your kid up and set it in her room dont try to yell dont try to get furious i have tripletts,and they are never ever allowed to say that crap just be strict

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 06/21/2013

13,258

21

2015

You don't.

Calmly tell them you are sorry to hear that, and ask if they can tell you why. Tell them that you understand they may be hurt, frustrated, whatever, but that you still love them, and want to make sure that they grow up to be good people (since usually the "i hate you" phase happens when you are doing something they don't like, such as time out, or putting away playtime for dinner...something they don't want to do)

Don't let it get to you. Remember that they have limited words at 3

Jodi - posted on 06/20/2013

3,560

36

3907

I respond very calmly with "I'm sorry to hear that, but I love you very much". Usually it is either just their way of venting frustration or it is to get a certain reaction from you (usually saying it to try and piss you off). I just don't allow it to get to me. I know it doesn't mean anything.

Join Circle of Moms

Sign up for Circle of Moms and be a part of this community! Membership is just one click away.

Join Circle of Moms