User - posted on 11/14/2014 ( 4 moms have responded )
I have been with my husband for almost 11 years now. When we first met, he already had a son who just turned two and was also going through a divorce. The ex-wife/mom wasn't around, so custody was shared between my husband and "her" parents(which is soooo hard because they spoil him so bad). She came around about 2-3 times a month, but that's all (just long enough to let me know that she stills exists as his ex and baby mama). Still, anytime she came around, I tried to never overstep my boundaries as the stepparent.
Over the years, my husband and I had three more boys and the ex/mom also had three more kids. I don't think she had a very good relationship with my stepson. She never went to any of his activities that his Dad and I put him in. We have done everything with him including baseball, football, soccer, go-kart racing, 4-H projects, and we take him hunting and camping all the time. My husband works alot so it's mostly just me doing these things for him.
Just last year she kind of settled down so to speak and married a very nice respectful man. She started going to my stepson's activities once in a while and even offered to help with the costs. But now that she is in his life more, it seems as if he is spiraling out of control. He is getting truancy reports from school, bad grades, referrals and is just plain out disrespectful. the ex's mom (Nana) is no help either. The truancy letter is because she doesn't make him go to school if he doesn't want to. The ex does work so my stepson goes to his Nana's when she is working. She has been guilty of giving him loads of money, which I think will soon turn into drug money if it doesn't stop. We have voiced our thoughts to the ex and her mom several times but they just go right back to doing what they know best...spoiling him and letting him get away with EVERYTHING. We share week-to-week custody. Wednesday to Wednesday, so we each get a weekend with him 50/50.
When he is not here, my house is pretty quite and content for the most part (as much as you can for 3 boys!) I feel like I have control over my kids, but none over him. As soon as he walks through that door, he is loud, obnoxious, and arguing right off the bat. My boys follow him around and copy everything he does too. It's really sad to say that he spends most of his time in trouble in his room here because I can't control him. I don't know what to do?! He is fine when my husband is home. In fact, my husband has reminded him time and again how much I do for him and I get no "thank you's" or "sorry's" for his behavior. My husband is definitely on my side but I feel so guilty that he should even have to choose a side. I am really hard on myself when it comes to this and I really would like some feedback on things that I can do to keep sane. This weekend, for the FIRST time, I asked his mom if he could stay there until my husband has a day off because I don't want to deal with it. There have been SO many times that I've wanted to do that but I feel like it will hurt my husband's feelings. The last thing I want is to be fighting with my husband over this (AGAIN). Is it normal that I just want to leave sometimes?! I don't think it would be fair to my other children if my husband and I called it quits. It wouldn't be fair to me either, I love him SO much and he is such a good husband/dad. Any advice is welcome, please feel free to ask questions...Did I forget to mention that "she" lives five houses down from me on my street?! UGH!!!