i have a 14 year old son that as started to drink wot do i do iv'e tryed grounding him i have tryed talking to him

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Nightingale - posted on 06/04/2013

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I have always let my kids have "some wine" with dinner and just told them that like everything else there is moderation to be observed. Alcoholism runs on my mothers side of the family. She would drink then freak about us NOT drinking. And tried to punish for everything.. We rebelled.

I take my kids to church.. I dont see alcohol as a threat.. I teach them that its not a sin to drink, its a sin to get drunk because of how many lives it destroys. Also used my mother as an example. While those who drink think they are cool.. does THAT look cool or like a moron!

Keep him active in something he likes. Ask him how can he follow his dreams if he kills his brain cells early? Make him volunteer at a hospital full of those who drank themselves into neer death condition?

Karen - posted on 12/29/2008

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Hi. I am going through this myself with my youngest daughter. Have you considered trying an Al-a-non meeting for yourself. The more you "harp" to the child the more they will rebel. I'm not saying to condone what he's doing but he needs help. If there is a history of addiction on either side of his family then the mold has been cast. All you can do is try to get support and help from your communitty, AA, Al-a-non, etc... I hope this helps.

Rachel - posted on 12/29/2008

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I know that Abby's reply sounds crazy, but it worked for me and saved me from a life of drug and alcohol abuse (although she never tolerated drinking at the house with or without her). My mom always told me that if I was going to be stupid enough to go out and drink or use drugs with my friends then she would much rather me call her for a ride home than to get into a car with someone who was under the influence... Trust me after a few embarrassing phone calls to my mother to pick me up in the middle of the night because my friend or date was to messed up to drive me home was enough to straighten me out. I now am a mother of a 12 year old daughter and I have always encouraged an open an honest relationship with her, and for now she is very open and honest with me (I know I know just wait a few years, but that is a bridge I will cross when I get there). I am not here to be her friend, but I also am not here to shelter her from reality. And unfortunatly the reality of the world is that teenagers experiment in dangerous activites (even the ones of parents who say "not my child" those are usually the first in line at the bar at some party) You have to keep your lines of communication open with your kids and not freak out on them over every mistake that they make (they are either going to make the mistakes now or when they are adults and if it is the latter then the punishments are way more harsh). Try to think back to all the stupid things you or your husband probably did when you were teenagers and remember how your parents reacted (sometimes the things they did worked and sometimes they didn't I'm sure) I am sorry your son is experimenting with drinking that is a difficult thing to go through, but at least you see the problem even if you don't have the solution yet. Give your burdens to God, and he will help you through them. Your son has to learn accountability for his actions, and for some us that means taking the hard road before getting back on the right path.

Donna - posted on 12/29/2008

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Maybe taking him to church would help. Larger churches have lots of things to keep teenagers busy. He would also make some new friends.

Abby - posted on 12/29/2008

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You know, I'm not sure if this will help you, but my mom did this with me. My mom told me that if I wanted to drink it was to be done with her and at home. And if I was to go to a party and I were to drink I was to call her... no questions asked... and she would pick me up. Now I'm a mom and I plan on doing the same with my child. It sounds bad... but lets look at it from the kids point. If its something you don't want them to do they will do it. If you allow it like this... monitored.. they won't want to do it so much. ITs not cool if their allowed... I know one time I did drink with my mom and it was some strong stuff... I got real sick.. never touched it again. lol Grounding doesn't work unless its something they really want. Can't spank him... he' to old now. Now it's time to take a different approach.



If that doesn't work.. then take the other.. you can't yell. You can show them what alcohol does to someone.. then tell him.. "I know I raised you better. I know that I gave you the tools to be a good person, and to be better then myself. I am TRUSTING you to go out and do the right thing... in the end I will always love you."



After my mom told me that... I never wanted to disappoint her again. But it help that I knew she meant it. That if I was curious I could go to her.

If you take my advice, I hope it works for you.

Terrianne - posted on 12/29/2008

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I have a 16 yo son that started hanging out with certain kids last spring that were not a positive influence. I talked to his school dean and police officer about keeping an eye on him at school. I search him, he has random UA's, and I sent him to a juvenile diversion class over the summer. I work in the Emergency department and I tell him the stories of the children that come in with alcohol poisoning or drug overdose, and I share what we do to them (very unpleasant). I'm honest with him about what I see, what I believe, and that I will do anything I can to prevent him from being one of those kids.
I talk to every parent of other kids, and let them know that I have a zero tolerance policy, and they are to be supervised at all times. If the parents do not agree with my views about drugs or alcohol...my son is not allowed to hang out with them. It is definitely not easy, some parents will get offended just because I've asked if they have had any problems with drug or alcohol use. But it's a good way to screen out lenient parents or ones in complete denial. It's tougher to raise a teenager than a toddler...but hang in there, and do not wait to get help or think it's a faze. Drugs and alcohol costs society thousands of dollars each day...and take away many lives.

User - posted on 12/29/2008

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As a school special education teacher. It´s hard to be mother/father. I have a teenager who sometimes began using drinking. Most important is that you and your child can talk together. Julieann Caufield give to you many important advice. Sometimes I self go to city and take my child with me even there was his/her friends. I told them that I´m going to call also their parents because I know them. It´s necessary to talk to other parents. Hope You have energy, don´t give up.

Paulette - posted on 12/29/2008

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I have read the posts so far...I would agree with them but, I having experienced this with teenage brothers I am wondering if there is enough interesting activities for the boys/teens in your area. Are they simply bored? Like any child when they are small, they get into things to either amuse or learn for theirselves. Drinking is not the path to go but unfortunately they do it. The kids you know he has been drinking with or believe that it is possible, I would talk to the parents and see where they stand on the point. I would ask them if together as parents you can act as a team. Get the boys into activities...instead of going the punishment route because they are going to either rebel and do it again or try other things. By them being busy it less likely that they will want to do this more. If you want to know how they are getting the alcohol you could try the approach letting him know that there will not be any consequences this one time, if he can tell you how he is getting the alcohol. Let him know you may not agree with how or why he has been drinking but it is time for you guys to come together as a family. That you're not always going to agree but it is important to be able to talk things over. Only if needed I would go to the area bar(s) and ask him what he sees in drinking. Point out obvious habitual drinker(s). Ask him what he thinks there life has been like and what it could have been if they had not gone down the road of drinking. This is if the other things you are trying do not seem to be helping. These are only suggestions and I hope I have been some help. Take care of yourselves.

[deleted account]

I had some of the same issues last year with my daughter. We are in counseling because of this and other issues that add up to a struggle between independence and just being too young for many things in other words adolescents and teenagerdom ..,. Her counselor has me reading "Parenting Teenagers through Love and Logic: Preparing Adolescents for Responsible Adulthood by Foster Cline MD and Jim Fay. Basically the book is about helping your teens make better choices and in doing so accepting responsiblity for the consequences of making bad choices. Teenagers are hard ... you can't physically detain them like you can an elementary aged child....even though you want to.

I agree with the post below ... let him know that you will not tolerate that or drugs in your house and that he will be held accountable for the consequences. IF he ends up in jail you will not bail him out those are the consequences that he has to pay. If he has a hang over that is the price etc .... I would also look for ways to stop him too because this can cause him physical harm.

I would definitely hunt down where he is getting this alcohol and talking to other parents is mandatory too. When this started for me I made sure to get every parents phone number and to know them as friends. I guarantee that your kid is not doing this alone.... Although I am coming to trust my daughter I make sure to talk to other parents about sleep overs what they are doing etc ...

Beth - posted on 12/29/2008

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Just an idea...which seems kinda morbid...try having him talk to a recovering alcoholic. Or even going with him to an AA meeting. Very wierd I know but maybe seeing what alocohol can do to one's life might change his mind about it. While he is still young he may think, "how stupid, that could never happen to me" but, he will think about it every time he takes a drink. I am unfortunate that my 13 year old has gotten to see this firsthand through his uncles but it has definitely made him think about what drugs and alcohol do to the body and how quickly they become addictive and can ruin one's life. Good luck to you and God Bless!

[deleted account]

Children learn best by example, he drinks what you do. Maybe you should consider not drinking until he gets older. It hard for him to throw the "you do it" excuse when you don't do it.

Joy - posted on 12/29/2008

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The police have soul-shaking videos they can show of accidents caused by drinking, and could refer you to someone who's been abused by a drunk husband or father. AAA could be helpful with examples of where he could end up if he chooses to follow the road he's on. And the Bible, Proverbs 20 starts with, "Wine is a mocker, and strong drink is raging; and whosoever is deceived thereby is not wise." Chapter 23:29 says, "Who has woe? Who has sorroww? Who has contentions? Who has babbling? Who has wounds without cause? Who has redness of eyes? They that tarry long at the wine...look not upon the wine ...at the last it bites like a serpent, and stings like an adder"...and it goes on to describe how stupid people act when they're drunk, yet they go back to it again. Anyway, I don't know your spiritual background, but the words of our Almighty God should, hopefully, hold some weight in his mind.

Alot of it is peer pressure, but few of us are friends with many people from high school now. So it would be wiser to care what his parents and God think, than what some friends think, who will, in a couple more years, be gone from his life likely.

Mary - posted on 12/29/2008

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I have had personal experience with this issue. I too have a teenager who began using drugs and drinking. I put her in rehab at the age of 14. It helped some, but she has still dabbled her and there. She has been honest with me about it. Probably not toally honest, but enough to keep the doors open for talk. I am a recovering alcoholic and she goes to meetings with me sometimes. I don't know if you have tried that route. The amount of teenagers in the rooms is amazing and enlightening. They are trying to change their lives with a program of support. There is a group of young highschool kids who attend where I go and they support each other, it is awesome. Check in your community see if he will go to a meeting. Besides alcoholics annoymous there is also Narcotic annoymous which I attend sometimes and they also have a lot of teens.

The thing about addicition is that each individual must decide if they have a problem before they will attempt to get help. Take him to a meeting or drop him off at a meeting where he can talk about his use with people that understand everything he is feeling. And get yourself as well. Try Alanon. Good luck to you and if you want to talk somemore message me back.

Melissa - posted on 12/29/2008

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This is definitely a toughie. I am currently raising two boys 17 and 11. I have not ran in to this situation. I do continuously talk to both of them about drugs, alcohol and peer pressure. I suggest talking to him about the affect the alcohol has on his body. Ask him what does he like exactly about the alcohol. Is it the taste, is it the high, or is it just something to do with his friends. Does it make him feel in control? Tell him how this makes you feel, let him know you are a family, when he does not obey you or hides things from you it makes it hard on everyone. Does he have younger sibilings if so remind him how he is a role model. If it is peer pressure, let him know it is okay to lead and not follow. When you do talk to his friends parents, or check up on him. Make him aware of what you are going to do, so he does not feel the need to rebel against you. Communicate and let him know how much you love him and that you are there for him, and you will do whatever it takes to get him through this and away from this. If he is involved in sports or extra curricular activites get the coach or leader involved.

[deleted account]

first of all make sure he knows how to do so responsiably.im not saying you ok it at all but if hes going to do so you make sure he knows everything about it.show him the stories of drunk drivers killing people in car recks.encourage him to not let his friends drive drunk.show him the dangers of alcohol piosening ecspecialy in a person his age.

show him a liver that has been worn from alcohol.get him educated.that is your step in letting him see that you know he is growing up and that alcohol isnt just fun and games.



and personaly i would let him spend the night in "jail".well i guess it would be juevinille...

i would find a way to arrange some kind of scare from the cops to show him it serious.he is breaking the law and he doesnt need to think he will always get away with it like he is doing now.it may be just me but id srtip him from all privledges untill he begans obeying not only your law but our countries.....(just what id do with mine)

DeLores - posted on 12/29/2008

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Ask him how he feels when he drinks. Try to find out who his drinking pals are. Check with his pals parents. Where is he getting alcohol from? How do you know when he's been drinking? A support group among parents of teen-agers is the best way to deal with this. It really scares the kids when they know their parents talk to each other.

User - posted on 12/29/2008

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As a school officer in a jr high I saw your post and could'nt help but reply. My recommendation that you require him to tell you where and when he is going. Keep up with him on times, places, etc.(this is hard and he will hate you but crucial) Check with the other parents on where is going and see if he is telling you the truth. The more he resist you the more he is lying to you. The more he doesn't call or come home (it will be hard to spend the night at a house where you have spoken to the parents and they know what has been going on for it to continue). You need to become friends with the parents he hangs around. You will know what you are dealing with - a kid with little or no supervision? a kid with parents who don't care? parent(s) who are stuggling with the same thing you are? Fine, let your son hang out with these kids, just make it under your roof so you KNOW what is happening if they have little or no supervision. Hope some of these suggestions are ones you can follow and help.

Little - posted on 12/29/2008

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thank you for ur replie but its wen he goes out to freinds we dont drink so he cant get it from home.iv'e even tred to keep him away from some freinds but he goes there sometimes behind my back.people keep telling me it's a fase kids goes through but i didnt do it as a kid.hes not drinking everyday its only about once a month so maybe he will grow out of it i really hope so.thank u for ur replie it did help a bit

Shaunna - posted on 12/29/2008

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Wow... that is tough. I would recommend talking to a school counselor to get some help -- they know of resources in the community that can be helpful, and many middle/high schools these days have a drug interventionist or a school resource officer (police officer) stationed at the school who might be of help.

I don't have teens, my child is only 18 months still, but I teach 7th grade. I know that they are experimenting with all sorts of stuff at this age. A book that I have recently read (Why Gender Matters, by Dr. Leonard Sax) discusses the use of drugs and alcohol by teens, and the differences in why boys and girls do it. Boys do it because of the risk -- but they don't see all the risk that there is in drinking so young. I know that having an honest conversation with a 14 year old is like pulling teeth, but maybe try again? If there is a man in his life (Dad, step dad, uncle, older brother, whatever) that he looks up to, now is a great time to get them to step in, also.

Where is he getting the alcohol? Is it at home? A friend's house? You mentioned that you tried grounding him, so I am curious. If it is at home, you can manage that by making it all go away. Friends' houses are trickier, but you can also talk to the parents, and I would suspect that their kids are drinking, too, if your son is. They have the right to know as well.

I realize I am not a lot of help, but I am concerned. I hope something I said helps. Good luck.

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