I Have a 16 yr old son who left to live with his dad at 12 yrs old and I havent heard anything from him until recently.

Jennifer - posted on 07/12/2012 ( 12 moms have responded )

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When my son was 12 yrs old he went to visit his dad for Easter and his dad decided not to bring him back to me.I made a police report but there was nothing more I could do because my son was of age to decide where he wanted to live. I spke to my son and he said he wanted to live with his dad and he wanted me to give up all my rights .I was hurt for about 6 months after that I called and pleaded with his dad to bring him to me to visit but he wouldnt.I gave up after they changed their phone number.My son was an A student and I never had problems out of him and being a single parent I was proud of that.Now my son is trying to contact me because he had a baby with his girlfriend.His father now wants nothing to do with him and has told him by law I have to support him and his girlfriend until they are 18.Which I dont have to do anything once you have had a baby at 16 you are considered an adult.What makes me angry at the whole situation is that his father has basically destroyed my sons life and now wants nothing to do with him.I am still hurt over the fact that he went to live with his father and that he himself wanted me to give up all rights .What should I do and am I being a bad parent by not running to him to help?

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Jennifer - posted on 07/13/2012

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Jennifer, you have found yourself in a very tough situation. I know you are hurt by your sons actions and his fathers and that it sounds like you have other children in your house to raise as well. Please remember that just because your son has a child does not make him an adult. It sounds like he has a lot of lessons to still learn. You are not responsible for his girlfriend... She has parents that are supposed to be responsible for her. If you are concerned that the child might not be his , then encourage him to have a DNA test to make sure. I think you did do the right thing in offering to help, but setting firm rules that he must follow to obtain that help. It is important that he know he can still reach out and you will offer the help as long as he does what is necessary. Keep your chin up, make sure he knows you love him and that the door is open when he is ready to follow the rules.

Jennifer - posted on 07/12/2012

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Thank you Kelina, for taking time to read my post.To answer your question my son told me to give he dad all my rights like 4 months ago.When I say that his dad destroyed his life I meant by allowing him to drop out of school and he is on drugs.His dad basically allowed him to do all the wrong instead of encouraging to do the right.I would of never allowed my son to do what he has done to his life.Im a single mom with a strong want for better for my kids.And Ive always showed them how to be responsible and to work hard at what you want.In my heart I want to help him but the attitude he has that I have to support him and his girlfriend till they are 18..isnt gonna fly with me.I dont know all the facts about his girlfriend or the baby but I do know that the baby might not even be his.Now what I did say was I would support him but by putting him a program where he can get cleaned up and finish school but he refuses.He is so use to his dads ways that he wants to do what he wants to do.I have 4 other sons that Im raising alone and I cant drop everything because he wants to play games.I know what it was to be a teen mom and I didnt want that for him. I feel for the baby but if he doesnt want to be told what to do what else can I do.

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Jennifer - posted on 07/15/2012

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I just want t say thank you to all that took the time to read my post and for all the wonderful advice.I needed that I felt so lost in this situation,but you guys gave me strength
I just wanted to let everybody know I have my son with me as well as his girlfriend and My new grandbaby.Wow I sound so old.lol Anyways we have talked and set some goals and my son will be returning back to school as well as his girlfriend.I have found out that he has not been on drugs and he didnt drop out of school his father just didnt know how else to get him out of the house.I am going to get a lawyer involved and persue from there.I have taken both of them to get drug tested and everything came back negative.Im so happy I went with my heart and didnt leave him where he was at.Again thanks to everyone who took the time to give me some motherly advice.

Mary Louise - posted on 07/14/2012

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No you are not a bad parent. Your son made his choose, now he need your help. You have to let him know how hurt you were but you still love him. Let him know he have to get working papers so he can take care of his family. If possible maybe you two can build some kind of relationship. Wish you the best.

Bryndís - posted on 07/14/2012

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He made his choice, you don't have to take him back or take care of him. If he is living with his dad, his dad must have obligations?

Samantha - posted on 07/14/2012

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My family went through a similar situation. My dad wanted my brother to go and live with him and wanted my mom to give up her rights. My dad never directly told my mother this, he simply was bribing my brother with everything his little heart could want. Keep that in mind....children can be persuaded very easily. On that note, your ex husband probably let him run around doing whatever he wanted. Your husband probably didn't put in the effort to teach your son right from wrong in life. I would be disappointed as a mother for your son getting a girl pregnant at his age. But after all he is still your son no matter what mistakes you have made in life. Just let him know how you feel and that you don't approve but you will always be there for him. After all you are his mother.

Parthenia - posted on 07/14/2012

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You are being a VERY responsible parent. You offered to help him get cleaned up and finish school. That's what REAL mom's do! If he feels that you have to support him and his girlfriend, then he should feel the same way about his Dad. I say, if he doesn;t want to abide by your rules, then he should be somewhere where he can make up his own and live by them. You have 4 other boys to raise. You did what you had to do and Dad should step up. I had a standing rule with my three kids coming up that were all two years apart. (single MOM). As long as you were in school,. you had a place to stay! ANd they lived by it and nothing else was said! Help him finish school and get cleaned up or tell him, "See ya when I see ya". tough love is hard but you gotta help not hinder them:)

Tracy - posted on 07/13/2012

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I don't think he knew what he was getting into when he was 12. From the other posts, it sounds like you have other younger children at home? If that's the case, they will be watching how you handle this and apply it to themselves. You said he's dropped out of school and on drugs. My personal thoughts on this would be to tell him that he will always be welcome back into your life AFTER he gets clean. As you said, you offered to help him into a program to help him but he refused. That's his choice but your choice should be that until the drugs are gone that he cannot come around. We've had to do this with my stepchildren to protect the younger children (his, mine, and ours). Now as for your grandchild, I haven't heard anything about the mother and what she's like. Hopefully she's got or is getting her crap together for this baby. As long as you are not going to be jerked around and abused by her, I would recommend to be there for your grandchild as much as possible. That doesn't mean you have to raise the child, but you should maybe help in whatever ways you can do so. It's not this poor child's fault that his dad (and mom?) are being crap. If you can offer some way(s) to improve his/her life then I see no reason not to. At the very least, he/she can feel that they weren't abandoned by an entire side of their lineage just because dad can't get his stuff together. I think you, in the long run, could regret it if you weren't in this child's life. And, maybe, one day your son will get his head together and you can provide the link to get him into his child's life again. Just some thoughts... :)

Emily - posted on 07/13/2012

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If I were in your shoes I would take care of your four boys. Your son made his choice awhile back. If you have not even heard from him in the past years and now he comes crying when he has been kicked out by dad, I say let him go. It may be hard but you have enough on your plate and do not need to take on anymore.

Terri - posted on 07/13/2012

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wow Jennifer! There are so many ways you can look at this situation. A 12 year old boy is probably more connected with a male figure as they approach puberty (sexuality) than with a mother figure. They are also still vulnerable and influential. Your husband on the other hand is an adult and sounds like he acted like a jerk by not including you in your son's life. Your son is not at fault. Maybe your husband is a vary strong personality, ie dominant, powerful This sounds like a kidnapping case so perhaps should be treated like one, ie like when someone doesn't see a parent for many years and comes back having been brainwashed into believing untruths. Maybe you should seek professional advice to know how to best help your son land back on his feet. Did he even graduate highschool? What are his next goals? All is not lost. If you love him - find a way to help him.

Kelina - posted on 07/13/2012

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ok, then what you've done is absolutely right. speaking as a sibling whose mother didn't and allowed her son to play those games you're right your kids don't need that. sadly there is a child involved now, but your son has made his bed and now he's going to have to lie in it. how exactly does he expect you to support them?

Kelina - posted on 07/12/2012

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do you honestly believe that at that young age, 12 years old he fully understood what that would mean for the two of you in the long run? And how has his dad destroyed his life? does he have bad grades? is he into drugs or something? as for helping your son-no you're not required to. And trying to may end badly if he doesn't actually want your help, but he's 16 and whether you like it or not that's your grandchild. Exactly how are they going to raise a baby? They still need to finish highschool! I'm going to assume you didn't actually give up your rights but either way you're still his parent. Look at it from his point of view, he's 16, he's just become a parent, the one person he probably thought would support him through everything has just told him he matters fuck all, and now you want to turn him away. Yes he hurt you. Most kids do. they want to live with the other parent because they won't give them as many rules, or discipline them as harshly, choose your reason, from kids they suck from an adults perspective but it happens. Now things have changed.

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