I have been married for 4 yrs and husband had an affair with a co worker before i fell pregnant. I discovered this two weeks after our baby was born, i found out on my own. I had my suspicions as i read messages they sent back and forth to each other through skype and it was very shocking what my husband said about me to this woman. I was so shocked that i fell into depresion there after and could not enjoy motherhood. Anyway we tried to fix this bt without any councelling because my husband thought that it was not necessary to do so bt i did since i really wanted to know why he cheated on me. He would not tell me why he just simply said that he made a big mistake and bad decisions which he really regretted. We had a tough time because i could not move on from it as he only gave me little information about the affair which still drives me over the edge. My worst fear is that i may still have real big concerns over trust and i have resentment over this issue. I want to move on with my life and not think about it, as our relationship has improved fron what it was in that we try to communicate more often about our feelings and sometimes i feel as though i still hate him but love him. We h ave two kids now bt am nt sure what happens with my feelings of resentment. I also fear that i might ask for a divorce because i am very resentful but my husband wants our marriage to work. He has good intentions of making the marriage work without talking about the past. Thats an issue for me as i need closure to his behavior in the past, he has a flirtatious nature, acts without thinking of consequences, hooked up with past galfriends etc. What should i do, i still love him bt at the same time we have kids and i am full of resentment especially wen i thik about his affair and why he did it.
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Vanessa - posted on 03/06/2013
You've really given this a lot of thought. I can feel that your trying to work through it to some resolution. You, like most people need resolution before we can be happy again. I will tell you, Men, all over the world, don't like discussing their feelings or their mistakes. Your complaint has been the complaint of women thoughout all time. But today it seems like it's a time to look at all of your options. When I was first married, my husband would become very angry, too angry sometimes. And for myself and the well being of my children I had to make a plan. I quietly saved money and decided what I would do if it became unhealthy for me and my children. That gave me the power and control. He was unaware of it, which allowed me to keep the power. He did eventually calm down and now the problem has dissolved. So what I'm trying to tell you is you can't make him talk, or go to counseling, but you can carefully and methodically plan for your future if you should find that he does not change. We cannot make people do what we want. So we have to decide what we want and put that first, particularly Mothers and their children.
Vanessa - posted on 03/05/2013
Wow, you have really complex problem. So do you feel as if your locked into the marriage because tradition, family and cultural issues? It's sounds like perhaps you might not have much control in this marriage. But I could be wrong. If this were my marriage I would simply give him the choice to either seek family counseling or I would divorce him, but that might not be very easy under the circumstances. I wonder, can you talk to someone in his family who might convince him to seek counseling? Perhaps if you reach out to his family, they might offer you more support than you know.
Broken trust will break a marriage. Your feelings are completely justified. Yes closure, he owes you closure and should act to mend your trust in him. Don't give up. Keep looking for emotional wise support from other women, or groups of women, particularly those where you live so that they have a clear cultural understanding.
Angela - posted on 03/08/2013
You do NOT have any obligation to stay married to a man who cheats, then refuses to go for counselling when you'd happily be counselled in order to preserve the marriage. Nor do you have any obligation to leave your children in the care of him & his family if you decide to leave him. But given the culture you describe, I'm wondering which country you live in? If you're in the USA or the UK, he hasn't got an earthly chance of keeping the kids!
Why is he so against counselling? He needs to see that your feelings must be validated! It's not simply a case of "Sorry honey, I wronged you but let's move on & forget about it ...."
If he agreed to counselling then the 2 of you could put closure on the cheating episode together. This would mean that you DON'T throw it in his face forever afterwards though.
Counselling only works when both spouses want to preserve the marriage - but I assume that he wants to stay married to you so I'm puzzled about his refusal to go for counselling.
Hope you can come to some satisfactory outcome. Good luck.
Kristi - posted on 03/08/2013
Vanessa gave you some very wise advice. Based on my experience, once your husband cheats and the trust is gone, it is extremely difficult to overcome in any marriage. If a husband is unwilling to go to counseling or even admit he was wrong, that is a sign that things are not going to change. Unfortunately, your resentment will probably continue to grow.
One thing I need you to understand from one woman to another...you are NOT to blame for your husband's cheating. You didn't do anything wrong. Cheaters cheat. They feel insecure about something in their life. It could be they feel old, they feel unsuccessful, they feel unattractive, etc. It took me a long time to stop blaming myself. I am older than my second husband and I gained weight and obviously there were other things going on. I blamed myself for a long time. I begged and pleaded for him to go to counseling, etc. He wouldn't. I was like you and truth be told, sometimes I still feel very spiteful to my second husband but I bounced back and forth with intense love and intense pain/resentment.
Long story short, my daughter (from my first marriage) and I moved half way across the country. I found out later on that he had cheated on me very early on in our relationship, too. Back when I looked great and we were having fun and had extra money, etc. So, if he cheated on me when everything was supposed to be "perfect" of course he would when things weren't "perfect."
I'm sorry you are in such a horrible position with no support from family and unable to seek counseling. You are a very brave and strong woman. As Vanessa said, we cannot change other's behavior, we just can't. For your sake and the sake of your children, try to accept that he is a cheater. You have nothing to do with that. You are not at fault. Stop trying to understand it. You won't be able to. If you can accept that and move on from there, you'll feel so much better. It is certainly much easier to say than it is to do. Build your happiness around the things that you enjoy, around your children. Try to focus on the the things that you can control. Feelings and emotions are extremely difficult to control sometimes, but it can be done if you work at it. Journeling is a good way to express yourself. Coming on here for support is often helpful.
I wish I had more helpful advice. I hope you are able to find someone in your community to lean on. I wish you all the best. My heart goes out to you and you will be in my thoughts.
Reclaim23 - posted on 03/07/2013
that was the best advice that any one could give, I had the same idea cross my mind too many times. The problem is when I did sought to do my own ideas on money he would still find out and eventually take control of my bank acc. So I have thought that I would resort to the same idea but this time with another bank and this time I will make a master plan of how I go about my business. With that said it makes him feel insecure that I would plan something without him knowing and it would kill him to some extent not compared to what I am going through but similar and yes you are right in the sense that I would be powerful in my own way I love the idea. thanky
it has made my day
Reclaim23 - posted on 03/06/2013
Thanky Vanessa for a feel that today was the day I got to finally tell him the truth about how I felt then and now. I just explained to him exactly how I felt about my feelings of resentment in that it was still there because there was very little closure to his past behaviour, instead of him acknowledging tht he did me wrong he still felt the need of making himself justified for his actions.
Again this made /makes me angry and the resentment becomes a big snowball in which I cannot control how I feel. Yes I could seek assistance from his family BUT I keep in very less contact for me as we do not share a common ground so I keep to myself and feel safer that way. My husband also feels that we should deal with our own issues but African man are terrible at expressing their needs known. To them it is like a sign of weakness which in my opinion is not true. So I feel as though my husband lacks emotional stability because he is not open about his feelings I mean true feelings when I ask him about his affair and what caused it in the first place. This is necessary for me to let go of this because it would be a closure to the issue at stake and I am getting tired of carrying the load I carry everyday becoz of my resentment.
I tried to call the OW/mistress as soon as I found out but it was my biggest mistake because she was rude towards me over the phone and at the end too many people ended involved such that I could not tell fiction and reality. She later called me after a few weeks of my discovery and denied ever havin anything to do with my husband which of cours was a lie she never gave me the opportunity to tell her exactly what I knew about their affair, by then I was still overwhelmed about his affair that I let her talk as much as she wanted to her until she was done and I still did not have a closure. It was much painfull to hear her voice because my mind was curious to know what she looked like and what a personality she was I just wanted some closure but I di not got it. My husband was just focused on moving on with life without discussing the very issue why he cheated in the first place. That still bothers me because he told me that he loves me even though he did what he did but I find it hard to believe him, to me the relationship/affair seemed real and feelings were involved but he denies that he loved her.
Finally he did not earn my trust back and very soon I thought that he had it easy as he acted like he was the boss and decided everything as if nothing happened. I tried to get help but I do not have the resources, on the contrary he refused to go for counselling.
My aim is to focus on myself and try to communicate with him as much as I can but its not easy because he is very private about his feelings towards me it feels as though I am doing all the hard work yet he brought this unto the marriage and I also feel that has no remorse for actions in the past but feels justified. I feel that he has not acknowledged me for who I am and the person I am, and I understand that no one likes to have their bad past reminded upon them but this needs to happen for me to love him the way that I once did. Am now having doubts that my resentment would fade am too scared to see him with another woman even if they would just be talking, I think I would call it quits immediately without failure!!!!!!
Reclaim23 - posted on 03/04/2013
Thanks for pointing out to me that yes there is a part of the relationship were he is very controlling in everything by the way my husband is of African decent. Firstly its not easy to leave him as we have what is called ' bride price' in which in our tradition, my husband paid a certain amount to my family to compensate for my absence in financially contributing to the house hold. Secondly if my husband and I had marriage problems like the one I explained then his sister would have to intervene by persuading me not to part ways but promises to help fix the problem by her talking to him then maybe if I want to reconsider our marriage then I could/ can go back but the kids remain with his family as the custom. So its very hard for me to make a decision because we live abroad and basically I have no one to talk to about this even though this happened a little over two yrs ago am still not able to move on from my husbands affair.
Michelle - posted on 03/03/2013
My ex husband is an alcoholic and would get verbally abusive when he was drinking. I left him, it wasn't a mutual decision so I didn't get his "permission" to split.
You need to do what's best for your children, not what he wants you to do. Find yourself some support, whether it be a counselor or a close friend. He can't control you and the part where you said he refuses to separate is exactly what he's doing.
Michelle - posted on 03/03/2013
My ex husband cheated on me when I was pregnant with our 1st child and I didn't find out until 2 years after it happened. I tried to make the marriage work and even had another child with him but couldn't trust him again.
I left him when our 2nd child was 1 and it was the best thing for me. I have since married the most wonderful man that loves me with all his heart and would never hurt me they way my ex did.
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