I just found out my father isn't my biological father

Ariel - posted on 03/24/2013 ( 35 moms have responded )

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I am 23, a mother of one and I just found out that my dad isn't my biological father. He is on my birth certificate so this was never something that crossed my mind, but I am having a hard time dealing with it. I'm not completely sure how I feel about this yet since it has only been a little over 24 hours of me finding out, but there are things I have questions about and I would have to contact my biological father for my child's sake and for my future children. I was wondering if anyone knew of any support groups to help me in this situation, and if any one knows of a way to find my biological father. I know when I was born he wanted nothing to do with me so I know there is a possibility that this may still remain there, but I still would like to try. If anyone has any advise please let me know. Thank you!

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Vicki - posted on 12/20/2014

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I am 49 yrs old and my mother just told me this past Monday that the man who I have called Daddy is not. I am just devastated. No one around me understands. I feel like I have been dropped onto a desert island. I want to just crawl in a hole and listen to Pink Floyd from now on. I haven't spoken to my daddy about it, and I can't talk to my bio father, he died in 1987 I found when I did an internet search for him. My daddy and the family I thought was mine have always treated me differently from my other sisters. Guess I can see why now. I just don't know what to do now. How do I carry this forever now?

Dove - posted on 03/30/2013

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Being lied to your entire life is upsetting. I don't see how those of you wondering why Ariel has an issue can't see that. Trust is VERY important. Yes, Ariel's stepdad is her DAD and the man that raised her and loves her, but don't discount what being lied to can do to a person. Trust issues can be very devastating to a person.... especially when those issues are caused by the people who SHOULD love you the very most.

No, you can't always tell a child every single detail (nor should you), but the basic, simple facts of the situation should never be kept secret.... ever.

Melanie - posted on 03/28/2013

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I was 19 when the 'truth' officially came out, shortly after my biological father passed away. I have 6 brothers and sisters that I never met, and 1 full sister that has him as a father too. He knew I existed. He chose not to spend time with me, and my mom was married to another man that gave me HIS last name. Even with knowing I was NOT his child, and even after he and my mom split up. He remained my dad, and walked me down the aisle to marry my husband. He is my dad, always has been and always will be.
Sometimes it isn't about biology, Family is what YOU want it to be, and what you make of it. Yeah, I had a biological father, but he wasn't anything more than biology. I'd love to find out more about my family history, and meet the other siblings. But that man is not who I call Dad, and he never will be. My dad stepped up to the plate when he could have bailed, but instead he raised me. That is my Dad.

Mark - posted on 03/26/2013

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I found out I was not the biological father of my son several years ago. I work away from home on a rotation, and I just found out that he went to see his biological father yesterday. I know it hasn't been easy for him, and certainly hasn't been for me. I raised him from an infant, was there when he was born, and continue to be a fully supporting and loving father. He is now 20 years old. I looked for support groups when I found out, and can tell you there aren't any I know of for the fathers. For the children, I would have assumed there would be something available, and will post here if I find something. A word of advice: as a duped dad, I have met many men over the years who have been approached by adult children they knew nothing about. Although it is possible that the father didn't want anything to do with being a father as you have been told, it may be that this isn't altogether true. Perhaps it is, and in any case you are in a hard place. But I believe you should consider trying to locate him and at least get his side of the story. The most recent man to tell me his story now has a relationship with his adult daughter, and is happy to have come to know her. His daughter was told by his mother that he did not want anything to with her either. They met (all 3) and the mom agreed she had lied, for reasons that are irrelevant here, but had nothing to do with the father. On another note, my own current wife recently was contacted by a sister she never met. Her mom had given a child up for adoption 40 years ago, and the woman located her and said she wants to meet her sisters and brother. They too are experiencing a certain amount of trepidation, but I encourage them to meet the woman, who has forwarded pictures of herself and her own daughter, The resemblance is obvious. No one can tell you how you should feel or what you should do. I write this to tell you that you are not alone, and that unfortunately, this happens very frequently in western societies. There is a movement afoot to enforce existing legislation at various state (and provincial) levels in different western nations. There already exists on the state (and provincial level in Canada) vital statistics acts and similar that provide punishments for providing false information with respect to the parents of a child. Many people feel that mandatory DNA testing at the time of birth (along with the 15 - 20 test already conducted) be undertaken to preclude the incorrect parental information which for obvious reasons will 99% of the time be fathers. This would also preclude the possibility of babies switched accidentally in hospital. The idea is that every child has a right to now it's identity, which is protected under the UN Convention on the Rights of the Child. Nobody can force a man to be father, or a mother to be a mother, and the person(s) who raises you, cares for you, and loves you (I believe) is your 'father' or 'mother'. But EVERY person has the RIGHT to know the truth. A simple adoption by the 'adoptive' father after a rescinding of the right from the biodad puts things right, and the accurate information gets recorded on the birth registry, etc. Anyway, there is much to know if you are interested, but again, I just want you to realize that you are among a very large and ever growing number of people who are finding out due to advances in simplified home DNA testing and other means. It affects many people, and the only solution we can see thus far is the DNA testing of all newborns in hospital. It still won't help with the pain of abandonment, but it will take away the sudden painful surprise and allow you to deal with it in a less emotionally harmful way (basically, same as an adopted child) and also preclude men from not knowing children they MAY just have not been aware of. I am willing to bet that you're biggest issue (and it is a difficult one) is knowing the truth. That will unfortunately involve contact, if possible and practical, with the biodad. My son is going through it now...I have my own issues. I haven't spoken to him yet to see how it went. I am going home next week and am filled with anxiety, but I will wait until then and talk to him about it at that time. I can let you know his thoughts on meeting his biodad if you think it might help.

~♥Little Miss - posted on 03/25/2013

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This is still fresh for you. Take a couple of days, and really think about a plan. Don't be hasty in the way you handle this. Talk to your parents, and find out as much information as you can. They may be able to shed some light on your questions. I have to say, this is why I am not a fan of lying to our kids about our bio parents. It is an awful thing to deal with.

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~♥Little Miss - posted on 09/01/2016

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Hey Jessica, this is an old thread. Please start a new conversation about this so we can all help you in this confusing time. I have a lot of insight with this particular situation, and would love to talk in a new thread. I am closing this one though because of how old it is.

~WtCoM MoD LiTtLe MiSs~

Jessica - posted on 08/31/2016

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I just found out my biological father is not my father. I have a name and plenty of information about my real father. They want to meet me and be a part of my life. I just do not know what to do right now. I have 2 kids and my husband. I'm so lost right now I can't think straight.

Onesmartcookietx - posted on 04/06/2016

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I just found out yesterday at 41 he isn't my real dad. The only root I have ever had has been ripped up. I am sick and heartbroken.

Jean - posted on 03/11/2016

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I have been involved in a lot of the situations mention. I grew up believing my name and dad was one thing and when they went to divorce . This tall man walked into our house, mom said this is your
real dad, I was 8 . When I started school the next year reality hit me in the face when I didn't answer the "new" name. When I was 14 this same man was drunk and said did your mom ever tell you about your other brother? I was threaten when I asked my mom. She told me the story and that you did not know anything. When I was 17 we went to the doctors and they mentioned my brother and the truth came out. The summer he turned 18 we went to the adoption agency. My brother and his father were on the phone looking for her. Him and I are in contactly weekly. He doesn't accept my mother but he thrives to meet our brother and sister. They are both very close to my mom and does not want to meet him. I became pregnant at 19 and I was raped and was going steady with a guy. The guy date rapped me so we "knew" rach other. When I found out I told the rappist what happened. I didn't give him a way to reach me and went on convincing myself it was my fiancees child. A few times my fiance asked for a paternity test and everytime I agreed. When she turned six I got some blood work for this child and seen her blood type was not ours. I had confided in my sister asking her what I should do. Neefless to say my daughter was 12 now and during an argument my sister TOLD my daughter that wasn't her father.my daughter was already fighting with her Identity so she was devastated. As soon as her dad found put she was biologically his 2 years later he stopped being in her life too much. I did have not nor will not tell her the circumstances of how he got me pregnant but she did locate him. He had a daughter 3 months after my daughter was born. They look like identical twins. The family ended up being drug addicts and criminals. To this day she is fighting to find her place in this world. I feel like a piece of crap for putting her through this. My youngest child had her first child the man abused his child so he didn't come around She was married before he was two. They lied about what his middle and ladt name was as well as who his daddy was. When he started school she had a lot of explaining to do. Believe me I tried to tell her not to do thay to her son, don't repeat the cycle. I can tel you thus I am 47 years old and I have NO IDEA whose my dad. I was lost for 40 years wondering where I belonged, who I got my nose from, my dark complexion, do I have other siblings, what is my heritage, than one day a very wise friend this.....family isn't necessary blood. Family is a bond you have with someone. The man I originally thought was my dad is just that my dad. He loved me like I was his own, he was my coach, my chief in the Indian Princess club. He was there when my first child was born. I go to his grave and tell him how thankful I am that he took me in as his own. I no longer search for who I might be I accept things as it is. I have a very close friend whom I consider my "mom". I have a close relationship with two of my siblings and life is good. Like my adopted brother said. Sometimes there is a reason for why things happened the way it did. He was raised the complete opposite as us yet he talks, acts and looks like US. May you find the peace you are looking for. But first take time to heal from your wounds before you bring someone else into your life. I wish you all peace.

Raye - posted on 08/24/2015

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Tim,
It would have been better to write a new post than to hijack an old thread.

In response to your situation, I would say to give your daughter time. Her world just got turned upside down. Unfortunately too many mothers choose to cut the father out of their kids lives thinking that would be the best thing... but it's the easiest thing for the mother, not the best thing for the child.

Many of us on this forum advocate that the mothers allow the father to be in the child's life. Custody and visitation should be established through the courts, so both parents know what their rights and responsibilities are. Your situation is well past that, so all you can do is to try to be there for her if she wants to have a relationship. Be as honest as you can with her. Don't bad-mouth her mother, but you can say that you BOTH made mistakes.

You and your daughter DO deserve to have a relationship if you both want it. You have to get past any guilt you have for allowing yourself to be kept on the sidelines. You can't really make up for time lost in her childhood, so don't try. As I said, let her know that you are there for her now, and that you're not going to force her into doing anything she doesn't want. It's going to be somewhat uncomfortable for both of you, because you don't know each other. But you're blood. And you can get through this if you're willing to go slow, be patient, and be respectful of her feelings.

Tim - posted on 08/23/2015

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I have been searching the internet to understand how people feel when they find out that the man they called Dad isn't actually related. I know I probably shouldn't be posting on "circle of Moms" being a man, but I wanted to relate my story as I need some advise as to handle my situation.

I was in a loving relationship with my girlfriend back when I was 24 and she got pregnant. I was working shift work and away from home at strange hours. While away, she was spending time with another man. I was personally there during the birth of my child and my name is on the birth certificate of my child. However, not earning very much at that time, she left me for this other, older and more financially stable man, taking my child with her. She later married this man and had a second child with him.

My job and life pulled me to another country and I met another lady and married. My discussions with the mother of my child, she wanted to keep my daughters paternity a secret so "she could grow up with a normal life". Stupidly I agreed. I had only been around till she was about 2 years old, so she really didn't know me. My parents kept in contact with her and the Mother and had a very strong bonding with her.

Now she is 20 years old and in university and through all the contact from my parents, I felt I wanted to help with her university fees, so through my parents passed a substantial amount to her. Well that caused chaos of a whole lot of questions and eventually her mother decided to tell her the truth.

Now she no longer talks to my parents and I believe she's undertaken therapy. I feel dreadful that I've thrown her life into turmoil having never been around for her. I have tried to reach out to her via email to no avail. The only thing I really want to tell her is that she was made in love. I would love to be part of her life, but really don't think I deserve that honor.

I understand from reading these letters how the children of these circumstances feel, but sometimes, the real Father was forced by circumstances to remain in the shadows. How do I begin to handle these feelings and help her?

Mommabird - posted on 12/21/2014

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I understand how you are feeling Ariel. Im 43 and I found out at 14 that my dad( since 4 yrs old )was not my real dad. How I found out was my bio dads parents(my grandparents) finally came around and wanted so spend time with me(since i wasnt allowed time with my father). When this was going on I was told by my mom and stepdad that my bio dad hasnt tried to see or contact me since I was 5. After a few months of my grandparents taking me bowling and out to eat once a month it stopped all of a sudden. I never knew why...til I was 17. I fought with my stepdad constantly and ended up moving out at 17. I contacted my grandparents and asked to be reunited with my father. I was reunited alright! I met him and realized quickly he was an alcoholic, did drugs, didnt have a car, no home of his own, and basically living like a bum. I got the relief of knowing him and having some sort of relationship with him but I also understood why my mother didnt want me around that my whole life. Theres no telling what my life would be like if I had been subjected to that lifestyle growing up. He even admitted to not trying to contact me all those years. So you never know what reasons are behind parents keeping secrets like that. They might have had good intentions. You never know. All you can do is see for yourself who he is and decide for yourself if you want a relationship with him now. No sense in playing a blame game. Whats done is done, all you can do is forgive and move forward. Not sure if this is the advice you wanted but its my personal feelings on the subject :)

Maria - posted on 12/20/2013

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I am 57 years old. When I was 16 years old my mother told me that there was a chance that the man who I thought was my father might not be. Since the man I thought was my father had just passed away, I thought it would be interesting to try to find this guy. Unfortunately, my mother had his name wrong. Fast forward 40 years. One day while on the computer something told me to go on Ancestry.com and then Archives.com. I put the name in just for the heck of it. All I knew was that he was from Pasadena CA, worked for Pac Bell, was a line man and lived near Newport Beach, CA. It put out a name that was the same but in a different order. All I ever wanted was the truth. Here is where I made my first mistake. I called him and to my shock, he answered the phone. I asked him if he used to climb telephone poles and when he said yes I knew I had found the right guy! I couldn't wait to see what he looked like since I never looked like anyone in my family. I had made up a story about doing a documentary about line men from the 50's. He turned out to be a nice guy but because of his son and girlfriend wants nothing to do with me. I was later able to get him to give me his DNA, yes 99.9% he is my bio father. All I want is medical history information so that I can give it to my kids. He wont give it to me. I should have done what the guy in the movie "People Like Us" did. He made friends with the person first then told his sister the truth. I have never met more mean unhelpful selfish people in my life. The father that raised me will always be my father. What people need to understand is that finding out who your bio parent is doesn't mean that you want to renounce the people who have raised and cared for you. It's about getting to know the truth about who you really are. This old 81 year old man who had two son's. One died in an auto accident 20 years ago a year later, his wife died. His only son never had any children. Out of the blue I show up. He had no idea I was ever born. I am a law abiding citizen with no baggage. I have 4 children and 2 grandchildren. I have been married for 24 years. My eldest daughter was a model who was married for 10 years to a rock star. My granddaughter is also a model. All of my children are well educated and have good jobs. Not to mention, they are very nice and very good looking. They have never had a grandfather. My brother from another mother wont let my bio talk to me. His lawyer told him never to speak to me. This has been a nightmare. Children should have some rights. I am not looking for money. I am only looking for answers that can help my children. Rights for Mothers and Fathers. What about children? We didn't ask to be born. New laws need to be passed to protect the rights of children. I have called attorney's and they don't even know what to say. If you find a bio parent, go slow and get to know them before you tell them the truth. Good luck!

Christie - posted on 10/16/2013

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I know how you feel, it's shocking! I don't have advice for you, I just found out the same thing 2 weeks ago and I'm 40.....

Norm - posted on 09/23/2013

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It's easier to find people then you would imagine. They leave a trail, especially people old enough to be the parent of adult children. The gotcha for me, was that although I was adopted, I thought I knew my birth parents, and was shocked at the age of 48, to find out that my birth father, was not even my father. ( a medical issue brought this to light, and proved that he was not my true father, something he had claimed from the beginning, but I assumed he was a jerk.). Truth be told, some issues, become very important to know the medical history of your parents, and grandparents. Now not knowing the medical history of my parents, is shorting my lifespan, while I wade thru tests.

Chelsea - posted on 03/30/2013

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My dad is not my biological father, but he has been with my mom since I was 1. He raised me my entire life and he is the only father I have. I don't know who my biological father is, and frankly, I don't give a crap. Why would I want to know someone who doesn't care about his own kid?

Kim - posted on 03/28/2013

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I would like to know why it's hard to deal with. This man that has been your DAD from the moment you were born has taken over the role that your dead beat biological father didn't want. Don't look for all these questions because you may not like the answers!

You Dad is the man who you have called Dad. Nothing else.

Melynda - posted on 03/28/2013

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With how all of the world is at your finger tips it should be fairly easy to locate anyone. Don't get your hopes up he may turn out to be someone you wish never met. Good luck girl

Dawn - posted on 03/28/2013

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my real father was never a father to me. I didn't see him for 25yrs. when I finally found him I was sorry to see him because he still didn't like me. I had a stepfather since I was 5yrs old. at that age I didn't like him. he wasn't my dad. I tried everything to get my dad to like me. I thought my life would change after I got to know him better,but it didn't. When he died, hios wife told all the relatives not to let his 3 kids know,but relatives called. there was no funeral because his wife wouldn't allow it. Before all this happened, my stepfather was my life. I realized no one was better then he was and I truly loved him until the day he died. to this day I worship him in every way and that I am the person I am because of him.God Bless you and I hope if you find him,you won't regret it

Giselly - posted on 03/28/2013

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I think you should thank your mom. And ask your dad if you find him Why he did what he did? I am sorry hun but you need to do this for closure. Keep a journal and keep track of what you feel maybe seek a psychologist or pyschiatrist.

Kavita - posted on 03/28/2013

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Dear Ariel,
I can understand your feeling.But being a mother of an adopetd daughter I can also understand the feeling of your parents who have raised you.My daughter is only 4 now and she was adopted at the time when she was only 1.8 years after i lost my bio-daughter at the age of 9 years.She is a very special child of me who has given a new meaning to our life and we feel that she is the god sent gift to us as without her perhaps we would not have survived after my daughter.After her we did not tried to conceive as just wanted to give all our love to her which was there for our daughter.After reading your post i get scarred is this the feeling adopted children have when they find out the parents with whom they are living are not there bio parents.Please don't take it otherwise but iam always worried about this situtation as i don't want my daughter should in any ways stop loving us the way she is loving us now.

Dove - posted on 03/27/2013

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I agree with Little Miss. Situations like this are why I am 100% against parents lying to their children about their biology. If they are raised from the truth from the very beginning.... there is no shock, surprise, etc... to deal with later.

I'm sorry, Ariel. I don't know what to suggest that hasn't been mentioned. I hope you are able to find the answers you are looking for though.

Danielle - posted on 03/27/2013

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I found out my dad was not my biological father when i was 14. i am now 24. i have never contacted him, but i do know who he is. i did this because i didnt want to cause any conflict with my parents or get hurt myself. I dont thonk of him as my dad since he wanting nothing to do with me or my mom and cause her a lot of heartache. I do have a daughter and some peolpe in my family say i should get his medical history but im just dont know how to go about that. i rather just act like it never happened.

Kristi - posted on 03/26/2013

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Mark--

Forgive my ignorance here, but how will taking an infant's DNA prevent these situations and/or accidental switches? I may be wrong, but I think your case is more of an exception than the general rule, so to speak.

For example, what good is DNA going to do the child of a drunken one night stand or the child of father who takes off on before he/she is born or while they are too young to remember who he is? What difference does it make to someone in my shoes? All 3 adults knew who was who and what role the other would play. It didn't change anything.

How will it prevent accidental switches? Run another DNA test before mom and baby check out? DNA test results are not immediate. They are also extremely expensive. Not that cost should matter in the safety of children but this doesn't seem like a realistic precaution to me.

I am sorry for your situation. You were taken advantage of in a very cruel way. But, blood does not make a family. Make no mistake about it, you are and forever will be your son's Dad. Father's Day will still be celebrated for who you are. Even if your son develops a friendly relationship with his sperm donor, no one will be able to break the bond you have with one another.

Deanna - posted on 03/26/2013

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I do have some questions for you. What is your relationship with your Dad? Are you close? What is your relationship with your Mom? Is she willing to tell you things about him?

Jamie - posted on 03/26/2013

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Coming from a mom who has a daughter who is 10 who is like you. My daughter was adopted by my hubby, she knows no other person besides him as dad. My daughter does know now that she has a bio sperm person. It is hard for he too. Personally stay away! I know this is hard. It's hard to see my little girl cry over a man that never wanted her.

Kerri - posted on 03/26/2013

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Hi I live in Australia. 7 years ago at the age of 28 my Husband found out his Dad was not his bio Dad.... It really upset my Hubby so bad that we nearly split up..... But I stuck by him, thankfully we are still together..... His Mother will not tell him anything and told me it had nothing to do with me.... His Uncle did tell him a name, but their are so many people with the same name.... His Grandfather confirmed that his Dad was not his bio Dad, but his grandfather is no longer here now..... Hubby said he does not want to find him. We have 7 children and I have told my Husband that he has me and our 7 children to think of now not only himself.... If his bio Dad is horrible, he doesn't have to see him again.... My older children want to know who their bio grandfather is..... I have just let it go for the time being..... I just hope he does not regret it in the long run....

Echo - posted on 03/25/2013

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I don't know of any support groups for this myself. I too had this happen to me, however when I found out it was too late to reach out to my biological father, he had passed away some 20 yrs before. So my suggestion would be, yes if you can find him, do try to.

Kristi - posted on 03/25/2013

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My dad isn't my sperm donor either. My parents told me when I was younger but I don't think I really processed it. I had his name and DOB so when I worked for a sheriff's dept in my early 20's I ran a background check on him. I contacted him quite a few times, sent Christmas cards with pics of my kids, etc. He would never respond. It's not like I was 12 and I wanted money. I just wanted to know where I came from. I have two half brothers I would love to meet. Doubt that will ever happen. I gave up awhile back but I still struggle with it sometimes because I feel like why wasn't I good enough? But, I try to focus on the fact that a stranger fell in love with me so much that he adopted me 6 months after I was born and has provided for me everyday since.

I'm sorry I don't know of any support groups. I kind of wish I did now that you mention it. I've been in individual therapy for a LONG time for many reasons and we touched on that a few times but never resolved it. I hope you find the answers you are looking for. I hope he does not hurt you when you find him. God bless you.

Michelle - posted on 03/25/2013

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You could probably contact them and see if they know of a support group for your age.

Ariel - posted on 03/24/2013

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I understand. What I have found is for children in the situation. I don't know how to go about finding something for my age range.

Michelle - posted on 03/24/2013

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Maybe google support groups in your area. Sorry, but I'm in Australia so have no idea what is available.

Ariel - posted on 03/24/2013

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Sorry still very new news for me. I am still very scatter brained on it. Yes I have. I have a name. My parents told me together due to events that are not explainable. I am in the metro plex area in Texas

Michelle - posted on 03/24/2013

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Have you discussed it with your Mother? What information do you have? How did you find out?

There is a lot you haven't told us. Also where do you live? That would help with suggesting support groups.

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