I just got engaged, but my Fiance's Daughter's Mother is a nightmare

Ren - posted on 03/23/2015 ( 7 moms have responded )

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For the past two years I have been with a man who has a daughter. I also have a daughter the same age and they are both best friends. It's so wonderful and it just feels right except for one thing. And this one thing is a major, major thing.

My fiance's baby mama (excuse the term) is completely psychotic. She uses the kid against him all the time, calls him names, disrespects him, treats her own daughter like crap, is so vain and only in to herself and her wants and needs, and starts problems constantly.

We JUST announced our engagement and she sent us both texts that day (she saw it on a mutual friend's page) that said congratulations and asked to see the ring and all types of stuff. She said she always felt bad her daughter didn't have a sibling close in age and this makes her feel better to which I agreed. I have ALWAYS been respectful towards her and helpful. I have never once disrespected her even though I have imagined myself going off on her MANY, MANY times.

Anyway, the following day she started messaging my fiance telling him she is taking him to court for child support. He GIVES her child support every month (never skipped or had issues with it), pays for her before and after school care and anything else she needs and she usually spends half the time with us. She knew that he was with me because she called and asked if he could watch their daughter last minute but he was with me in Jersey where I live far from where he lives. When he said he couldn't, that's when the texts started pouring in. Disrespecting him, disrespecting me. Saying she doesn't want me watching her daughter when she's supposed to be with him, etc etc etc Her marriage to her husband is totally okay though even though she deletes him on facebook once a month and bitches to anyone who will listen. It's clear to everyone how miserable they both are together but she always says, "he's my husband... Renee's not your wife."

After listening to her berate him for over two hours and him being completely defenseless, I started writing to her from him. It didn't make things better but it didn't make them worse. She always says things like I'm not having our daughter call you anymore and we are better off with you, etc etc. Let me put in here that my fiance is an AMAZING father and he adores his daughter and she adores him.

This woman is a liar, a trouble maker, and an all around bad person and mother. I have enough on my plate right now. My own daughter's father has issues of his own. I have health issues, including a heart arrhythmia which gets worse when stress takes over. I'm not as sensitive as I used to be but this woman makes my heart feel like it's about to jump out of my chest. I love her daughter and I love the dynamic that we have but she makes it so very difficult and is one of those people who can never be wrong. I don't know if I can do this. I love my guy and I love his daughter but I'm at a point in my life where I need to eliminate stressors (doctors orders) so I can live the life I need to for my daughter and myself. I tried talking to his daughter's Mother but she completely disrespects me and I have gone above and beyond.

If anyone has been in this situation, how did you handle it? Also, would it make me a coward for ending all of this now before we get married? I have told him before that if she continues to make life hard like this, I can't be a part of it. He expressed this to her and she almost swam in it she seemed so content. I just don't know how people like this exist. :/

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♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 03/24/2015

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“Anyway, the following day she started messaging my fiance telling him she is taking him to court for child support. He GIVES her child support every month (never skipped or had issues with it), pays for her before and after school care and anything else she needs and she usually spends half the time with us.”~~Actually, this is a smart idea for both parties. The legal document outlines exactly what each party’s responsibility is, and how interactions are to be handled.
“After listening to her berate him for over two hours and him being completely defenseless, I started writing to her from him”~~Really? You took it to that level? Very mature (read with extreme sarcasm). Your boyfriend is his own person. Let him speak for himself. YOU have no place in the discussions between him and his ex. If he feels the need to stand up for himself, encourage him to do so. If not, back out gracefully, rather than attempting to speak for him.
” This woman is a liar, a trouble maker, and an all around bad person and mother. I have enough on my plate right now. My own daughter's father has issues of his own. I have health issues, including a heart arrhythmia which gets worse when stress takes over.”~~Exactly my point. Not your circus, not your monkeys. You handle YOUR responsibilities, and your ex, daughter, etc. Let him handle his.
“ She could care less about my daughter because she's not a part of her life. “~~Again, your daughter is not hers, so no, not a part of her life, and not something that she needs to be concerned about. If you want a rigid visitation schedule, that, my dear, is what the court orders protect.

It is not up to you to attempt to change the behaviours of others over whom you have no control. What is up to you is how YOU handle things.

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Michelle - posted on 03/26/2015

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Does he have court order in place?
That's the main question before anything else. If not then he needs to take her to court and get it all sorted out ASAP. He needs to get himself a lawyer and show her that he won't do what she wants anymore, he will do what the courts order.

[momoftwo] - posted on 03/25/2015

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Yeah I know it's hard watching him go through that and it is stressful but he does need to stand up for himself he also has you for support :) , it's his daughter too and she should know that. Is it settled in court like Raye mentioned?
Because if not then it should be A.S.A.P

Ren - posted on 03/24/2015

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You're so right. He would never ever stand up for himself if I didn't make him. But I also can't go on seeing him NOT standing up for himself on his own. I shouldn't have to be a part of that at all. He should be able to communicate with her on his own and I should not have gotten involved (my first time ever getting involved with her directly).

I stooped down to her level. She'll never stop. She will always start trouble. I guess now my only decision to make is if I want to live with something like that for the rest of my life. They say love is all you need and it conquers all but when it comes to having children with other people (and we both do) I think there's more to it than that. Thanks for the honesty.

Ren

Raye - posted on 03/24/2015

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If your BF doesn't have custody/visitation and child support worked out by court order, then he needs to do that. The child needs stability of having a steady schedule, and if one parent goes against the court order, then they can be brought up in contempt of court. Then they really don't need to have too much other interaction with each other besides just picking up/dropping off for visitation, and the major stuff of Dr. appts, school meetings, etc. The ex needs to get over trying to control what's going on in you and your BF's lives, and concentrate on getting her own life in order.

Ren - posted on 03/23/2015

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The problem is, is that our daughter's are so close it's amazing. They are both six. She doesn't care though. She could care less about my daughter because she's not a part of her life. If I have to tell my daughter sorry we can't see his daughter this weekend or this day or something like that she's going to want to know why. She's going to be hurt. Same thing with his daughter. But her Mom doesn't care who she hurts. She is really the most vain, self loving person I have ever met. If this is how life is going to be and my daughter and his daughter are going to hurt because of it, is it worth it? I just want everyone to be happy. At least my daughter's father and I get along well enough to where our daughter never sees anything negative. He also likes my fiance and vice versa. I just am having so many doubts because I know people like her and they don't change. If my ex met a woman who loved my daughter and treated her like her own and was respectful towards me, I would be ecstatic!

[momoftwo] - posted on 03/23/2015

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Wow she does sound like a crazy psycho JEALOUS woman! It's okay for her to be married but not him? HA!
Honestly though if I were in your fiancees shoes I would contact the authorities if this harassment (which it is) doesn't stop and continue paying child support through some type of direct deposit. How old is the child if you don't mind me asking?
Because honestly he doesn't have to have contact with her and maybe a family member of his could pick his daughter up for visits because I really don't think this woman is going to get any better unless she seeks professional help.

Edit: I don't think you would be a coward for leaving (doctors orders and all, sorry about your condition :( ) but you shouldn't have to end YOUR happily ever after because of her. There has to be ways where she could have no contact with you guys but he can still give her support and see his child because this type of stuff happens all the time.

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