I keep praying for my husband but nothing's changed. I feel like giving up

Tinamarie - posted on 04/07/2013 ( 14 moms have responded )

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My husband drinks. It doesn't sound very bad but he goes with his friends and doesn't come home for days. He's a binge drinker. It's been going on for the past 7 years. But the problem is he'll stop for a long time (like 2 to 3 months) and is the perfect husband and father but when that time comes again it comes by surprise . He goes too far. He's a different person. I've been praying for the last 7 years. Do you keep praying even when nothing has changed? He says when he's sober he hates drinking and he doesn't want to do it no more but then he does it anyway. I don't want him coming home tonight and having the kids see him like this. Is that a good idea to tell him to stay away when he drinks?

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Michelle - posted on 04/07/2013

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I'm sorry but my first husband is an alcoholic and he won't get help either. I divorced him as I need to look after my children and give the best home life possible. To me that's not with an alcoholic.

I am now remarried to a wonderful man that prefers to spend time with his family instead of drinking with his mates.

I'm not a religious person so I really don't believe that you can "fix" things by praying, I believe that we have choices in our life and that's what our future is. We have to choose the best things for us and also live with the choices we make.

We have a very complex brain that can make informed decisions by weighing up all the information available to us. Why not use it?

Liz - posted on 04/08/2013

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Here's the thing: for those that believe in the power of prayer, that's great, but why would you assume a passive relationship with your God? Instead of saying, 'Here's my problem, please fix it?', which is what prayer alone actually is, why not look around you to find the other things which are available in order to help your husband to fix his own problem? Some of the programs that are available for him to get started on could actually be the answer to your prayer that you have been looking for and yet have missed.

Did you ever hear the story about the flood, where people are sitting on the roof of their house because of rising waters, praying for God to save them? A small boat drifts by, but they don't take any action to get it and bring it to the house, saying that they are trusting in God to save them. Eventually they drown and remonstrate with God for not saving them. He tells them, 'I sent a boat, what more did you want?'

You can't force your husband into therapy or into any affirmative action that will help him. He has to make that decision for himself. He might be more likely to find the strength within himself if he understands that you're actually going to change the environment by separating from him and taking your kids, so that you keep all three of you safe. Until you do something different, he has no reason to change, because despite his protestations of remorse, he sees that there are never any consequences when he goes drinking again.

~♥Little Miss - posted on 04/08/2013

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Well, your husband is an alcoholic. Prayer is not going to heal him of this, him admitting he has a problem and seeking help is the only way he will heal. He LOVES drinking, that is why he does it. If he hates it so much, he would not be going on binges like this. Only he can change, and if this is an unhealthy environment for your children and yourself, then leave.

Britney - posted on 04/09/2013

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I grew up with an alcoholic mother. We prayed for her. Told her to stay away when she drank because of how bad and emotionally abuse she would become. She would stop for a while as well (usually 3 months) only to go back to drinking every night right after she got home from work. From my experience, even her going away didn't really help. I ended up getting very depressed which, unfortunately led me down an isolated and self hating road. It wasn't until my dad had finally had enough and told her that she needed professionally help (and AA) or he would have to leave that she finally sobered up. It took years for me to forgive her for all the mean, hateful things she did to me. I just feel that by telling your husband to not come around when he binges isn't fixing the problem. It's simply relocating it. You should try to show and tell your husband that he does have a problem and the best way for him to get better is to get help. My mother always said she would have gotten help sooner had we suggested AA sooner and not wait until things got really out of hand. This way he can always be that amazing husband that you know and love and your children will benefit and be less likely to have resentment. All I know is that I lost years with my mom because she was sick. Although my situation was bad for a long time. I am happy to say my mother has been sober for almost 7 years now and I have the best relationship with her that I have ever had in my life.

Every situation is different, I understand that. But maybe my story will help you in some way. I hope that everything gets better for your family. My thoughts and prayers are with you!

Shannon - posted on 04/09/2013

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Prayer works and never change that thinking! My husband is a recovering alcoholic/addict now 5 yrs. It was a long road in the beginning, but yes, the decision to change must be his. I agree that Al-Anon is a great place to be. It's a good place to find healing for yourself. They will help you to change your focus on that instead of changing your husband and so many other great things.

I also agree that God hates divorce. Actually, the Bible says clearly he doesn't even acknowledge it. I KNOW what you're going through and will pray for you also. Get help for yourself first and foremost! A support system is essential for you right now. People who truely understand. You are also completely in the right to tell him to not come home the nights he prioritizes drinking over his family...because that's exactly what he's doing. If he never really has any consequences for his actions, he will never see a need to change!

Good bless!

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Magnolia - posted on 04/09/2013

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Yes Keep praying, it helps YOUR sanity. look up al-anon groups in your area!! They have helped me tremendously. Even though I am no longer with my drug addicted ex. Al anon has been a life saver!! It up to him to chage not for you to make him. You need to take care of you!

Sara - posted on 04/09/2013

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Yes... prayer works. And yes, its a good idea to tell him to stay away.. and mean it.
A) you can't put God's timing in a box, and
B) you need to make boundaries for you and your kids... there has to be a line.

Try this link http://www.cloudtownsend.com/articles/sc...

Seven years is a long time, he thinks he can walk all over you and you won't do anything about it. God did make us able to say "no". Pleae let me know if you need an ear or prayer...
Sara
saramichaeleosefow@yahoo.com

Amy - posted on 04/08/2013

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I think it's fine if you believe in God and the power of prayer but as Liz has pointed out your husband has no reason to change. An addict typically doesn't wake up one day and say I'm goint to stop doing my addiction, usually addicts don't change until they hit rock bottom but everyones rock bottom is different, for some it could be a dui, some an arrest, it could be when they hit someone and kill them because of their addiction.

My suggestion is to find an Al-anon meeting near you, their foundation is based on relgiion so you may find a great support group there and meet others who share your experiences.

Tinamarie - posted on 04/07/2013

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He wont go to aa or rehab. He thinks he dont have a problem. He thinks its normal to go oit once in a while with his freinds. But he goes days drinking. He tells me hes a grown man and he coild do what he wants. My church says prayer works to never give up on a prayer. And to stay withhim god hates divorce. Dont k.ow how to live like this any more

Michelle - posted on 04/07/2013

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I'm sorry but praying won't make someone change. He needs professional help like AA or to get into rehab. He's an alcoholic and he needs to seek outside help.

You're right that it's not good for the children to see him when he's drunk though.

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