I kicked my 18 year old daughter when I was angry and now I wish I could handle it better, help!

Aydin - posted on 06/06/2014 ( 13 moms have responded )

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4 days ago, I had an argument with my 18 year old daughter when I found her videos on her laptop while she's smoking ecig in her room. I took her laptop I started to search more what else out there she is doing. I found out that she is liking the people who took pictures while smoking pot on instagram. 2 years ago, I found a bag of mar...in her room. She said I won't use it again. Unfortunately, I should have taken her to counselling instead of just believing her. She gave me her 2 ecigs and told me she is trying to quit and she feels it in her lungs. Also, she shared that she started with menthol when she was in middle school. I liked it that she was opening to me. On the other hand I was hurt that how she could done this. It was the same week that I knew that I was loosing my job through lay off and made me depressed. She was pressuring me for a year to help her buy a car and add her on my insurance. She said she'll pay. She works and she is very talented making pottery and sells them. Also, she teaches pottery at the studio. I mean she is determine that she'll make enough to buy her own car. I offered her not to buy a car and insurance yet until I find a job then she can save more to get better car. Last week, she started to pressure me to let her buy. I refused it. I asked her to turn over the saving account to me and her get help. She has a eating disorder as well. In the past year, spend so much $$$ and she never opened up to her therapist. It's a long slow process and did not have insurance back than and had to pay more than $5K. I'm a single mother. Also, I told her that I believe that she is using mar.. to cover her eating disorder and need therapist on that as well. She denied it. but eating disorder was tough one for her. Of course, she did not do what I asked her. I gave her ultimatum if she does not she needed to found other place to stay. I would not accommodate her habit. This is I am assuming she is using drug. Not that I found her but if she been using cigarette years under my roof and I did not suspect it. She will be graduating next year from HS early college.Hoping that she'll leave home than. I could not believe that I was over exaggerated; I could kept shut my mouth and make the appointment with therapist. I pulled her out of her bed and told her to get packing while I was pulling all the things on the wall and window with anger calling her pot head. 2 days past, called her father. He was upset that I did not tell him sooner and what I did was wrong and she is out there now and 18. He seemed spoke to her at her work place and he send me a text message saying that 'I'm on my own.' I did not respond.This morning, I sent her an email and text message that I love her and still want her get help. She did not respond to me. I have a problem with talking...I am afraid that she'll say will not come back or hang up on me or never want to hear from me. I know she is hurting and I have been crying day and night after I was calm. 'took 2 days' Also, I am so scared that she may fall into wrong people when she is desperate.

I handled the situation very badly and I am asking any advise please!

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Onetraeh - posted on 06/07/2014

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hi...I don't mean this to say tht marijuana isn't bad but there r a lot of worse things she could be doing such as crystal meth,cocaine,crack cocaine,heroin to name a few;I think tht 18 is too young for a girl to be on her own for sure becuz there's a lot of bad people out there.I know u probably feel terrible & worried so I hope tht she comes home soon;I think definitely u should call her or if u know where she's @ thn go have a talk & just talk it out!wishing u guys the best :)

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Aydin - posted on 06/21/2014

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I feel your pain because I have the same one just started 3 weeks ago. Feels like a year already. I hope he will come back to you sooner as he will be readily appreciating everything you have done for him. Unfortunately, we been left with the pain; living one day at a time. Originally, as she accepted my offer to come back home. but the down side is I am not supposed to be around in my own house and she wants to make sure that I will be leaving and the same day she will be moving in. Also, she mentioned that she did not want to live at home with a stranger referring to the future tenant for one of the room. It did not make sense. And she will be moving out when I come back. I am unemployed, it's been 3 weeks. How is she thinking that I will be paying the mortgage? I told her on the phone that I don't think I can effort to go to visit my mom. and I need to be able to keep up with my appointments otherwise I won't be able to receive unemployment, either. She said I was screwing with her plan and hangup the phone. I don't think she is coming back home at all. Her father came home this morning I did not answer the door. I was sitting back porch in the afternoon he stopped by again. I told him she went to work in the morning and she is with her friend spending the night out. I hate lying...He thinks she came back home. With this athitute I should not be helping her and giving her $....She'll learn the hard way. At the same time, it will be hard for me to not to help her...

Cathy - posted on 06/19/2014

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It's hard having a teenager,My son met his girlfriend at 15 years old and she meant the world to him,I didn't like her because the way she was but anything I said about her didn't matter to him .He didn't want to hear it.zits like we only try to help are kids out so they can be happy but they really don't want to see what we see.Well I found out that he started smoking marijuana because of his girlfriend and started hanging out with the wrong crowd.We try to tell him but he didn't want to hear it.His friends meant a lot to him more than his own family.He moved out at18 with his girlfriend and ever since we haven't spoke to him .It hurts when you have to kick them out but they need to learn if they are going to live in the house they need to respect your rules.Like my friends always tell me that he will come around and I say when he is 25.Your daughter is reading you text but is angry at you.She will come around.I know how you feel I am a mother to a 22 year old that I haven't seen for 2 years and a 17 year old .Good luck .When she is ready to talk to you she will just hang in there.

Aydin - posted on 06/16/2014

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HI Onetraeh, I just want to let you know that my daughter said she has decided to come home, earlier today, after I offered her free room, grocery, and child support toward her getting a car while I am gone to visit my mom for a couple of months. I told her she could use my car but she will need to pay insurance and the gas. She has been saving her $ but not enough to get her decent car. Meantime, I've been enjoying the freedom and I was feeling little guilty. Definitely, I'll let go more of her from my life. That is beneficial for both of us. I am meeting tomorrow with her to put the things on paper and make an agreement so there will not be confusion what expected of each other. If you have any insight you can share with me about the next step of our lives, I really appreciate it.
I have been more open to other people around me and found myself comfortable talking to strangers. Pain made me grow more, spiritually, and learned that God listens and responds to my prayers. This is new for me....

Onetraeh - posted on 06/11/2014

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u didn't make a lot of grammar mistakes & tht's ok;you're better than me I only know one language!lame;yep teenagers don't like therapists very much I know becuz I once was one hahaha.okay well all the best to u guys & if u ever want to chat u can message me on here too :) :) :)

Aydin - posted on 06/11/2014

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I have been diagnosed that I have a low-self esteem and unable to adjust life changes. You're right therapist will charge so much and it might be so many sessions and long time process. Wow!! you already knew that it would set her off when I ask her to join to therapist sessions. That's what was happened anyway, I asked her to turn all her $ resources to me and have her to sign up for counselor/therapist. I told her she never completed her eating disorder treatment when she was 15-16. Her boy friend at that time pushed her to talk to me when he discovered that she has eating disorder. I always thank him for that.. She wrote me an email that she was binging and purging and cutting. Since she was baby I forced her to eat. Once she started to go to school she was not eating lunch there. I started to pack her a lunch box and they were coming back to me uneaten. When I confronted her, she brought the lunch box empty. I knew she was trowing them to trash. She started to make other excuses if I make the food decorate them so she'll eat. Then, she asked for decorative lunch boxes and food containers.They worked for short period of time. So, I made sure we always had breakfast and dinner at home. She was putting a show by eating her food so fast for me so I would not bother her eat. I started to follow her in secret when she went to bathroom right after the meal but I could not hear or find a trace of vomit. When we argued on something and used to give her silent treatment, and she used to cook and show me she is eating the food that she would not eat. She was using the food to make me love her again. I already love her no matter what. She is limiting herself with the number of type of food source intakes. I remember I used to drive her around the city to find a portobello mushroom vegetarian sandwich that all she could eat. I know I am not a best cook but I have a few good dishes. I eat anything. I used to make bad opinion on over weight people and my weight is always going up to 160 and down to 126 lbs. I used to eat my stress out with self hatred by shoveling the food to my throat and she watched me gaining weight. Over all I told her when she pre-teen growing age 13-14 to control her eating so she won't get stretch marks on her legs like I did. Told her that no one told me when I was teen and now I was thinking that I am helping her not to get fat....I see that now. I know I contributed a lot to her bulimia; love and hate relationship with food. One time she told me that smoking marijuana helps her eat but I am not using now when she was 16. When I found her smoking habit she said she started to smoke so she can control her weight, now she knows it is not the case and is trying to quit because when she is exercising she is feeling it on her lungs, badly. Here she has been struggling with food still front of my eyes and try not to say anything to her about it anymore. A few times only expressed my concerns and asked her if she is still forcing herself trow up. she said no she was not doing it anymore. Her disorder had few stages; eating certain food continuously for a week then never touch them for a long period of time. I used to police her what she eat and always told her nourish herself. She became vegetarian then vegan. She admitted that she could not be a vegan but still be vegetarian. Unfortunately, my mouth was talking telling her 'ihhh you are fruiterian' not vegetarian' and she does not eat all fruits only mango, strawberry, blueberry, blackberry, raspberry. and protein drink. As I noticed since she was a little girl she never stayed away from candy. I used found empty candy boxes in her bag, around her room, under her bed, and behind the couch pillow. She started to exercise day and night everyday. She still needs help but I cannot force her get help. I know I need help either through therapist or self study by following J.M..y.r's work and walk with J..s..
Yes, I started to have some sort of peace for the first time and I don't want to say enjoying without her but I'm and I am feeling guilty about it.
Saying Thank Yous to you are not enough; you have been very blessed to me when I did not have any doors to light in the darkness of my life. If I made any grammar mistake please forgive me as English is my second language. My sentences backward, sometimes and I have difficulties expressing what I want to say, naturally.You have a bless day, as well:))))

Onetraeh - posted on 06/11/2014

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oh I thought you've been diagnosed with some kind of disorder lol but I see wht u mean;well if u feel tht u want to go to a therapist tht's great!but if u do not have an actual disorder thn u know wht some therapists r full of crap & just charge u good money for nothing u know.I'm sure you're just going through a bad time right now losing your job etc & with your daughter leaving & maybe she's just ready to fly the nest even tho she's young regardless of u & hers fight;maybe u just have to hope for the best & hope tht u raised her right & with common sense for the world which I'm sure u did!but the therapist thing I think would definitely turn her off as a teen/young adult unlessing there's really an issue & not just over thinking but tht's just my opinion;I'm glad u know where she's @ at least & hopefully you've got a little more peace of mind.I think it's nice if you're just there for her & help her to stay on the right path i.e. get herself to college & maybe it will be nice for u both to have a little time for yourselves & independence from each other!I hope u have a bless ed day :) :) :)

Aydin - posted on 06/10/2014

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Onetraeh, I went to see her and we both nodded our head acknowledging our meeting.when I made myself visible to her while she is working. I was her eyes were more swollen then morning. Possible, she cried more. I was 1 1/2 hour early and had to wait.I did not want to miss the door ways in case of she changes her mind. It attracted the staff attention.They have been passing by with eye contacts and greeting at first, second, and it became more patrolling back and forth, Then, her department mngr came out we saw each other I said Hi she did not respond to me. I knew her father made a huge scene there when he went to talk to her, and they know what I have done...bad mother. I started to feel uncomfortable and guilty being there and not exercising. Finally after long wait outside the building, it was very hot, she came out and we got in car. At first she had the very sad face and she asked me to take her one place to take care of her business then we went to restaurant. I told her I was so lucky to have her in my car and thanked her for accepting to go out for a lunch. She fell asleep like she was up the night before on the way. We ordered and eating lunch together. She confirmed her father making big mass at her work place and they had to write an incident report and CFO had to sign it. She said she would almost lost her job if they did not know her well enough. I was waiting for her to talk so I do the most listening. She did not say much accept her father's reaction. I was not sure which one made her more sad me or him. I told her he never handle the problems without being violent. I sort of different but still don't know how to adjust and react to the challenges coming at me. I told her it was totally my fault him to react like that. I asked her to forgive him. He never shied away talking about how much he pays for her and how broke he is, and it hurts her. She said he has 2 children and cannot take care of even one. I mean I never used her against him. After we finish with lunch, I told her I'll add her on my insurance so she can get her license. She said you don't need to bribe me, I'll have to buy it on my onw. I told her I did not say I was going to pay just add but she'll pay the difference to me. That was would be less costly. She said she wanted to stop by house and pick up few things then go to cell company so she can get a new phone that her screen was not working. I bought the cell phone with my card and she could not get it exchange with new one with her name. So she asked me to help get a new one while it is under warranty. A little voice back of my head said is she ... you? She did not want to work things out...Then quickly tried to pull my thoughts what was wrong with that, I am happy to help. More we spend time together the more her beauty came back to her face. I started feel sad that she was not planing to come back. I saw she had nose pierced with little diamond. I thought she would get tattoo first because I was not allow it under my roof. She said it was expensive. hmmm..she said she found a car on craigslist, it is old one but low in mileage.and planning to buy it this Sunday on her own. I offered my help if she needs a ride to get there and check it out. She did not say anything. She wants to do it all herself. I said at least make sure to take to a mechanic. She had everything planned and I am not in it. When I said her father probably will report it to child support agency that you no long with me so he does not have to pay anymore. He is supposed to pay another year until she graduates. I told her i can give her if she needs it but you cannot have any legal lease document under your name. Her eyes opened 'would you do that? thank you that is great...OMG! what am I doing I am so desperate and I am compromising. Here is one of my personality disorder that I am talking about. Is there a medicine for it? I did not witness and learn how handle life problems from my parents but get physically violent. I am against to this but I burst out all my negative thoughts and say things that I cannot even dare to take them back. Over all I have pride as well. I don't know where it comes from. I am supposed to make her to come home not to make her feel comfortable where she is. Well, I saw her she is doing it on her own anyway, pays her monthly cell, insurance and buying car..paying rent. how cheap is this room is? I don't understand. and than I am risking so many things to offer her money that she only could get while she here living with me. I am mad at myself. I checked her checking account online she spent $200 in a week on mall shopping and food/grocery. hmm what is she going to do when she starts to pay for insurance, gas, of course old cars breaks down. This is too early and we were agreed on she would do these when she transferred to 4 years college. That little voice again says ohh support her what she is doing and this way you won't have her home so I won't take responsibility. Here is another personality disorder....This is holding me to be more firm on what needs to be done. I just go with the flow...and satisfy with little happiness. I did a big step today I had her talk to me and have lunch with me. She was polite.
Since I lost my job at no fault i am eligible for qualifying event to sign up for affordable care. Once I get it, I'll seek for therapist but have no idea what type of therapist I should be looking for. Eventually, I'll ask my daughter to join to sessions as a part of healing process. I used to be outgoing, had decent # of friends. I will rediscover and learn to value myself again.

Onetraeh - posted on 06/10/2014

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hmm I hope she isn't enjoying her freedom so much tht she won't come home or if she does decide to go it on her own I hope she'll make good decisions :( r u on any medications for a personality disorder?becuz it seems to me tht it's being a little disruptive to your life;maybe u could try a couple different things?try not to alienate yourself becuz the paster was right I think tht people need people;I will hope for all the best & try not to worry yourself too much...bless

Aydin - posted on 06/10/2014

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Thank you Onetraeh for your kind support. Your each words is so much to me and gave power to what I am supposed to do. This morning at 7:17am Ashton called to say that she wants to talk to me and she is going to work in an hour. I said I am on my way and thanking him at the same time. I washed my face and tried get dressed now I cannot find something I'll be feeling good at. I was wasted my time and this personality disorder keeping away from getting ready. I kept repeating 'God please help me i cannot do without you' and GET OUT, GET OUT, GET OUT until I was out on the road. My car was making so much noise that I was afraid that it was going break on the floor. The wheel bearing went bad due to previous inexperienced mechanic did not want to turn me down and tried to fix it a year ago. He did not install the part appropriately and caused it to break again. Thanks God it was still under warranty and I was able to replace them at no cost. Anyway, I got there rang the bell. He came out gave me hug. He seems a nice young man. He said she is coming out. She came out of the house and I looked her eyes and she did look back. I said thank you Lord this is a sign. We got back in car and she did not say much. I sad good morning she replied back. Ohh!. this is a MIRACLE just like Rabbi Freeman said. I saw her eyes swollen and hand no make up. Her hair was up pony tail. She looked beautiful. How could I made her suffer like this, what kind of mother I am said to my self. I started to drove and we were silent. i was still driving with no word. Waited for her say something but no luck. I asked her if she likes cup of coffee. She said no. I asked her if I grab one if she would not mind. She pointed at clock saying that she has 10 minutes to start working. We kept going and getting closer to the her work place. I start to talk to my self again out loud in my head, "you better say something and you are wasting your time, She'll be getting out of car in a couple minutes and you don't have guts to say her something and I opened my mouth "When would you like to go shop for your car? She was silent. I looked her face and saw SO much pain. I told her Please I made a big mistake and hope she'll forgive me and my personality disorder is causing all these. I was mad and everything pressure came at the same time and I did not know how to handle. I know I should not say things that told. It was a silent again. I thanked her letting me drive her to work. I said when would you like to go for car shopping? She still did not say anything. I was at the parking lot and she already put her hand on the door knob getting ready to get out of car. I asked her if she likes to have a lunch at least with me after gets off. She said she'll call me. I said no I know how that goes tell me the to come. She looked at her planner and said 2. and it is 12 almost I am going back there. I'll keep you posted. Please keep praying for her. Thank you for all your support again. Love..

Aydin - posted on 06/10/2014

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I sent her an email message that I found a letter on the internet. I copied it; telling her how much I love her and I still stick to the rules that kind of things.... I revised it so she would not suspect I did not write it. No respond. I was so scared to call her cell that she would reject my calls or tell me things that I don't want to hear. Things were happening that I was not ready. i don't think any mother be ready. I pulled all my courage and called her cell, but it was going to her voice mail without ringing. I called her friend back told her that I couldn't find her. I could not stop myself crying while I was talking to her. She said she'll call her see if she will answer her and then she'll call me back. 3 hours later she did. I felt finally got a contact with her some sort. My daughter told her to relay to me that she got my email and she is safe, and she'll call me later. I was so happy. I went back to the address on Sunday and walked with my (her) dog around the neighborhood again hoping she will come out. I felt had no existence and no value in earth for being alive, no purpose. I went back home. I've been crying for days. Only my dog came to lap and started to leak my tears. He does not normally do this at all. He does no talk but I think there is someone in him. He has be great comfort. He does not leave my side. I feel there is a hole on my chest and this monster eating my flesh and I deserve it. I couldn't even go outside in public that I would still be crying. I have no one that I can say what happened. I don't have friends I aliened myself so they cannot hurt me, either. That is my problem. I turned to God and asked for guidance. Prayed 'God help me and I cannot do this without you." I was searching more similar websites for this type of trauma and here I found good advice by Rabbi Tzvi Freeman;
Here's some very practical and very powerful advice that really works:Sit in a quiet place and meditate on your daughter. Think about everything good about her. Think about how much you love her. Envision her in a good place, fulfilled and living a beautiful life. Envision harmony between you and her. Then pray for her, with your heart, truly feeling her pain, her anger, and the compassion that only a mother can feel for the bitterness of her soul. Do it once, and you will already see wonders. Do it for a week, and life will be completely different.
I practiced it last night and this morning. After praying, there was a feeling that encouraged me to go to church for 5 o'clock service. I took a shower and dressed up. Then, I went to church and the pasture went over Gospel of Luke and his message was people need people. Today, I went to her work place and saw her in the building without her seeing me. I waited outside the building so I can talk to her. While I was waiting in case of if she does not want to talk to me I started to write down a letter to her. Told her I love her very much and hope she'll find a place in her heart to forgive me. Also, told her I am looking going to have therapist for myself, and I want to help her to get a car and the insurance (which was the original deal and she would be paying insurance premium and gas) I saw her behind and ran after her called her name multiple time. She did not hear me. As I got close to her the white car stop right front of her and she opened the door. I yelled her name. She turned to me with her big eyes as her body half way inside the car, I said I like to talk, she kept moving getting in the car sit. I saw a black man arm on the clutch. She said I'll call you without much emotion. She seemed tried and sad. Then I knew she'll not and she is getting rid of me. Wait I said take this said tore the pages I wrote to her. Here again I drove crying all the way home. I called her friend again and tried to talk to her without crying, it did not happen. I did not care anymore this was not going to make me stop talking and I asked her if who I saw in white car was Ashton, she confirmed, yes. I told her I don't why I could not pull her out there as a mother. I gave more detail on what happened, and I said I am sorry to her. She said she could not understand why she would not talk to me. She said she'll talk to her. Now, I know more I write the more I see why. I don't know how to fight and be aggressive until my brain says an emergency and this emergency hormone is not kicking, yet. If you don't want me I ignore more and don't want you more mentality. But this is my daughter there is no such an option. She is my only family. Without her there is nothing holding me here in USA. There is no way I am going back to my mom's house and tell them what's happen. They will kill me, literally.

I am going to that address again since I saw the car. It is 11:30pm. I was not sure why I was going there. Just to see where this house where she is staying. I saw a white car but it is 4 door. I part on the culdesac and decided to walk with my dog so no one can be suspicious. I walked all the way down the street and on way back I called her again. There white car came parked next to me and started to back up to the house in the dark next to one I was standing front of. Something said stay here don't move to see who'll come out of this car but there is only one person. Somehow I knew there was a connection to her. I did not move. In a second, from that darkness there a guy showed up walking towards the white car, and he is black. I knew he is Ashton. He said Hi, I said Hi, how are you? He opened the door. I asked him “are you Ashton? He said aaaa yes, who is asking? I asked is M..... stays with you? He had a shocked impression on his face with wide open eyes. At the same time, he set in the and said stay here I'll be back. They draw to 5 blocks down. I am waiting for this guy to come back, I heard a voice behind the bushes coming from that dark house has lights on inside. Another guy (white) with the green tshirt putting the trash bin out front. Right away I asked the same question “is M....here? I just want to talk to her. I am her mother. He had that scared shocked image on his face. Aaataaaa I don't know, he said. I found my self begging him please just want to talk to her and it is very important. He went back inside and came back alone. He said she is sleeping and will go to work early. I asked him if he stays there. He lifted his shoulder up to his neck and shook his hands on the air said I am just the roommate temporarily. Kept apologizing. I looked at the door number; it was 4229 that had no answer last nigh. Meantime, Ashton came back and was upset with the other guy why he was caring his business, and white guy left walking that way Ashton came from. It did not make any sense. Ashton still had his scared face. I asked him to ask M...that I need to talk to her. He was reluctant. I wondered what was it about that he protects her from. I begged him, too. I told him I made a mistake. I lost my job and she and I had an argument she called me names and I called her names. I told her disappear which I should never say. Please I just want to talk to her. He said there was a cop car put the lights on his house a little earlier, and you showed up. I told him it is just the coincident. After that he was willing to go back home and assume he tried to ask her to talk to me. While he was in that room asking my daughter if she could come to talk to me, this stranger supposed to be helping me, I picked through this home from the screen door. The light is low deemed and there were bunch of posters on the wall. A dark pink arm chair and matching sofa and large coffee table. I saw a liter of plastic bottle of Pepsi half way full besides may things on table and a TV on opposite side. He came back alone, as well. He said that she is sleeping and she is going to work tomorrow morning. I said come on this is an excuse she is not going to talk to me. He said I don't know what is going on but she does not tell me anything. What is really happened? I have been through with my mom similar things and I know how it is. I let him talk. He said I am a black man with dread and I cannot have a decent job. People assume things. You know what I mean. I said that is a stereotype. He said that's right. I said “you are young and I worked any type of jobs, After graduate from college you will have decent job and lots of $100s in your pocket.” I I am standing 5-6 feet away from my daughter behind the wall and I am talking this guy I never met in my life, and he is not even her type of guy at all. She met him at college. I started think is he the one providing drug and I have no freaking mind set to go in that house and grab her out of there. I am thinking this not because stereotyping him but the way they reacted and a cop put headlight on his car. It may be the day before me knocking on doors alerted the neighborhood. 4235 house was next to 4229. So, actually I was in right place but they did not open the door or no one was home. The guys I spoke on Saturday were sitting front porch smoking cigarettes. And they knew when they saw me with this guy walking toward my car. I did not know what to do but go home again. Why I could not walk to his home go to her room where he went. He told me his story with his mom and dad. He was very upset to his mom when he asked $100 she refused to give him. He says not that she did not have any but he did not understand that how she choose not give him. I told him it is not the case with us. I told him I wrote her that I am going to help her what she needs she still does not want to talk to me. He said he'll talk to her. Somehow, I should have a faith in this guy that he'll convince my daughter to talk to me tomorrow, he promises she goes to work in the morning and gets off at 2 pm. We'll have a lunch. Then he asked if I can ask her friend that if she could pick her up tomorrow morning. I said I can pick her up I don't need to say anything. He gave me his number. I told him text me. Well he wanted walk me to my car making sure that I would leave. I am talking to this guy trying not to tell him what is my mind telling. I may be able to get his help actually if she is only very upset with me.

I just thought of when I lost my father it was on 6/1/2004. I let her go on the 6/3/14. I lost my job on 5/31/14. Are these coincident?

Onetraeh - posted on 06/09/2014

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well...with regards to your mom I do believe tht once u have children u should put them first before anything & should not let them witness violence such as tht;everyone deserves a beautiful childhood & so tht's very terrible for u :( I can understand if u had resentments towards your mother for tht but perhaps she just wasn't strong enough;thankfully u were strong for your daughter although I'm sure it was a hard road as a single mother...but u made the right choices & u seem like a wonderful mother to me & sooner or later your daughter is gonna understand tht & know tht u were just trying to protect her whn u were upset about her marijuana use etc.have u talked to her friend again tht she works with & ask why she gave the wrong address?or perhaps u wrote it down wrong;try not to worry too much I'm sure eventually she'll think about her mommy & contact u.she's very young right now & doesn't understand the ways of the world like we all were once upon a time or how much you're likely worried sick for these reasons;I'm myself baptized catholic but don't practice.joyce meyers is very funny & real tho I've seen her on tv :) down to earth lady.exercising hmm for me it's a good outlet & helps to keep my mind right & my body so maybe u should try to keep doing your exercise;is your daughter not going to work anymore?I'm wishing u all the best & hope she comes home soon

Aydin - posted on 06/09/2014

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Thank you Onetraeh for writing me back. It's been the 6th day since she's gone. On Saturday, I contacted one of her friends that she works with. I was so happy when she said that she is staying place at someone called Ashton on 4239 Sungrow 284... who she knows from college. I drove to the address and there is no such a number but 4235, 4240, 4241, 4247 etc. It was getting dark, and started to knock on doors with no luck. Some opened some no answer. No one knows Aston. They don't even know who stays next to them. All I heard that I just moved here and this community is all single people and students. I had minpin doberman with me in the car. He kept barking at people and made neighbors to come out of their homes. A security guard with his light brown uniform showed up. They were kind and willing to help. I wanted to start screaming her name so she would come out off where ever she is but I did not. I went back home. I kept searching what else I can do. Only place I look at is internet of course as I did before and read some frustrated/hurt mothers' how they let their daughters go and pray for the best. I did not see the follow up stories. What happened when they left. What they been through. Did they fight before let them go? When ever had a problem I always search on the internet or few times went to the library/book store and searched for a book. So many books about baby, toddler, less for pre-teen but not specific for teens. What I found helped some but I did not continue to keep searching when the problem changed to one another. I coped with problems by exercising and practice yoga to center my emotion so I won't react overly to things coming my way. Also, we used to church on Sundays but not continuously, but I listen Joyce Meyer everyday and went to her live service twice when she came to our state. Listing her brought me to certain place but I was needed to join to a small group to grow at church. My problem, I was sooo afraid to be known by other people. I went one time. Everyone introduced themselves and talked about their stories and why they were there , Ohh God, It was my turn...and said very little about myself. My fear was that I brought up as modern muslim but I always want to know more about Christianity and could not tell anyone. (Now, I am telling everyone on the internet. I guess it is much easy because I am not in face to face with you when you read this.) Somehow, last two weeks I stopped exercising. I made excuses that I was busy with the job which I knew that was coming to an end since April 2014. I have a personality disorder, one therapist told me that I have a low self esteem, other said don't know how to adjust to things coming at me. I grew up with abusive parents that my father minimum once a year beat my mom, badly. I remember I was 4 year old screaming out of my lungs so they would stop fighting but no one stopped. I always feared one day they will kill each other. (Now, I want to call my mom and tell her, I am sorry that he hurt you so much and did not have anyone to help you. I am sorry that all those year I blamed you. Mom, please FORGIVE me. But I didn't because I am crying again. I don't want to be heard like this.) He was an alcoholic and he used to say I drink because of your mother's mouth and I believed him that it was all my mom's fault and I thought that if she stopped nagging she would not get be beaten. I still did not wanted him to raise his hand to her, at all. I promised myself if any men raise a hand to I will not let my child witness such a violence and I would divorce. So, that what I did to my ex. I was homeless multiple times with a little child. I raised her by myself. I did not even had a boy friend since then. There was no way I would go back to my mom's house with my baby. She would be crazy in a mental house.

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