I know pronouce you husband and slave! arggggggggggh

Cindy - posted on 04/29/2009 ( 21 moms have responded )

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Hi there,

First I will say that I have asked 1 question so far, and the feed-back was great and helpful! Now, I need more advise pleazzze!! I am a mom of 4, 3 belonging to me, 1 who is my step-son. ages: 9, 6, 2, 14months. It seems My spouse thinks, that even if a meteor would hit, I should take out the vaccum and start cleaning the debris. I have no sitter, as he believes since I am @ home, it is a waste of money. I have no family support, as I was given away by 14 yrs of age, and I have moved many times to accomadate my spouses need for greed(money) Now, I know we need money to survive, even more so since we are a large family. But, to him money is more important than anything. Since I do not share the same value, and he knows family is the most important thing to me, he has placed everything on my plate. I must shop with 4 kids, cook 2 suppers, 1 for the children, and another for him once he is done work, which is late at night. He sees no need for a stich of clothes to be dirty, he constantly berates me if something he wants is not done, and if a crumb were to be infront of him, than I get the look of "well what the hell did you do all day?" This is a huge issue, but now I have his counterpart, his Mother! She actually believes that I should make him speacial homecook meals every night, iron his pants and tops every night, go too bed when he does and wake up earlier to have his coffe and breakfeast ready each morning. I told her, some things I do, to try to show my spouse I love him, such as if he is in the shower, I will place his towel and clothing in the dryer so they are toasty and warm for when he gets out. She replied by saying it was "my job" I told my 9yr old to not change his clothing 4 times a day, as there was no need for it, and it only created more laundry for nothin, she retorted by saying "Well, it is your job as a mom, I did it for my 2 boys" and she said it while her son was next too her, and my son was standing there!! Now my 9yr old has taken to saying the same thing..."it's your job" My god!! I want to scream, I want to tell her to get the hell out!! She had 2 boys, I have 4 and 2 are babies, 1 is speacial needs, and the other is my step-son! I would love some advice to know how to deal with this, how do I get my spouse to stop treating me like I am easily replaced, and not good-enough, how do I ween him of his Mother's pre-historic way of thinking, and how can I get her to back off without jeapordizing the relationship with the grand-kid? It seems noone cares if I am drained, or tired or upset, I have been told to "suck-it up". arggggggggg enough is enough, I would love some feed-back..cause Im about to throw in the towel!!!

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Teddie - posted on 04/30/2009

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This man is a classic abuser, and his parents made him that way. I'll bet his father was the same way and his mother decided it was her job so she could justify it to herself. He has you isolated and at his mercy socially and monitarily. Get help, get a lawyer, and get out. I left a man who was less controlling than yours but still made me crazy, and now I'm with a wonderful man who treats me like a queen and shares all the chores. I don't believe divorce is always the answer, but someone like this will ususally escalate to violence if you try to stand up to him. Be very careful.

Holly - posted on 05/04/2009

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Let's see, yes the "Monster" in law! Not that the in law is the monster but adds fuel to fire and turns my hubby into one. I told him that i absolutely refuse to go over to her house if he was not going to act like a man and stand up for his wife. His job is not easy and neither is my "job". But on the phone, so YOU can hang up if you feel like, or in person, if you have your own transportation to leave when YOU want to, just let her know apporpriately toned and worded that this is your family. Things now a days aren't the way they use to be. Everything is more expensive, you have twice as many kids to tend to than her and you would appreciate any adverse comments she may have have to make, to be kept to herself. IDK but was father in law leaving for work early and coming home late? Was she paying the bills or did he handle all the money? A person NEEDS sleep every night to function properly physically and mentally the next day, and mention to your husband that you are not his mother. To the 9 yr old - you don't need to take any crap from him. He may be under your care but he should not be allowed to walk all over your authority. My daughter was the same way around that age and once she was told that her laundry was her chore she wore one outfit all day. Try to make YOUR life easier any way that you can if nobody is going help than tell them they have no right to pass judgement until they have walked a mile in your shoes. You and a friend should go and have a day out together and leave him with the kids (how much you want to bet he calls to whine to his mommy). If you have been puting up with this for what 3 yrs now you definately need to re-set the ground rules. Goose and the gander sweety! Your not asking for much trust me. Last but not least - He is able to do what he is because you are there doing what you are doing. In business terms I use to tell my hubby that marriage is surposed to be a merger not not a hostile take over.

~Jennifer - posted on 04/30/2009

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Ask his Mother to "show you how she did it all".....and sit back and watch. By the end of the day, she should be speaking to her son about how much YOU do.
=)
On the other end of it...if you feel it's your last option....leave. If you're already doing it all alone anyway, the only thing you're going to miss is a semi-warm body in the bed at night. Get a legal separation and child support for the children. Maybe a few months alone will show him how much you do and how much more he has to do without you. No one has the right to berate you for doing everything you can - whether you finish it all or not- and I have to say, as a mother of a special needs child myself, there's never - NEVER a day that everything gets done. Tell him to learn to live with it or learn to live alone.

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Phyllis - posted on 04/30/2009

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Quoting Toni:

You can only talk sooo much. On his day off, wake up early and tell him you have to run out and he is responsible for the babies. Leave a prepared list of all the things he expects of you on hiss mirror and leave...no cell phone, no contact number...nothing. Return to the war zone after dinner and bat, bedtime. Say nothing, engage in no arguement. Just walk on in to bed, ignoring the hurricane that is sure to have ripped through the house and when you pass by him say only this "What the heck did you do all day?" Sometime walking in someone's shoes makes you less judgemental. And if he pulls it off by himself then that is great too because you can say " Since this is so easy for you and so difficult for me, perhaps you can help pick up some of the slack a little more."


I was in a similar situation, maybe not quite so bad, as my mother in law is not involved, but I did the same thing. I left my hubby alone with our 2 boys (age 3 and 5) one with ADHD/ODD for 4 days and went to visit my brother a province away. Since I came back, it has been a total reversal! He thanks me for the little things I do for him and if the house gets chaotic, he doesnt complain. Once a week or so he volunteers to cook and/or do the dishes, and has started letting me sleep in at least one day per week.

Cindy - posted on 04/30/2009

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Thank-you everybody....it is nice too hear that I'm not totally crazy for thinking that the expectations of them is just absurd! I agree in trying to find a way so that he walks in my shoes. Only problem, is he works 7 days a week, I honestly think that besides the fact he is trying to retire and be finacially well of by the age of 45(this is his goal by the way) that he also uses his work as a way NOT to be around or help with the house/kids/ or anything else. He has stated before that the "crying" annoys him,I was so upset that day that I told him, he annoyed me! We own the business, or I should say, HE owns the business, and therefore is able to have a day off or two a week, he just chooses not too, so I think maybe if I do leave for a day, it might just wake him up, I mean I'm only 30 and he is 32, @ some point things need to change..cause the man is digging me an early grave! Thanks again everyone!!! It really really has helped so far!

[deleted account]

I think it's appalling the number of people that are suggesting that you leave your husband. Yes, you two need to work things out and he is not being sensitive on this topic but that doesn't mean that you should leave him. Obviously you got married because you loved and cared about each other and just up and leaving because you're not seeing eye to eye is ridiculous. Especially if you haven't really talked to him about it. I believe that marriage is forever and when you have problems than you don't get to decide you're just going to leave but you have to work through them.

That being said I like the suggestion to have him walk in your shoes for a few days by leaving the house. He probably just doesn't have any idea what it's like to have to try and keep everything clean while watching 4 kids all day. I hope that things work out for you.

Trina - posted on 04/30/2009

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I have read through the previous comments and the consensus seems to be LEAVE! I'm inclined to agree. If he thinks he can easily replace you - LET HIM! He'll soon find out that unless he marries his mother, he's not going to get his mother - which it seems to me is exactly what he wants. The situation you are in is UNACCEPTABLE!!! someone said below that this is not love - they're right. You need to stand up for yourself, cuz honey, nobody else is gonna!

Your mother in law is not respecting you and therefore does not deserve your respect. It's time to cut the apron strings and put limits on the time she spends in your home. What's worse, is that she is teaching your children to disrespect you as well. If you don't put a stop to this now, you're going to have SIX people walking all over you, not just your husband and his mother.

I stand by what I said in your last post - get some girlfriends together (or go alone) and go away for a while. When you get back and your husband sees how much work you do, I suggest the 2 of you go away and leave his mother with the kids!

It's time you showed them ALL that YOU are the boss! If you don't feel you can do that, maybe look into seeing a counsellor that can help you gain some self-esteem and see what you are truly worth.

Noele - posted on 04/30/2009

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Wow. Your husband and his mother are off thier rockers! Pre-historic ways is a perfect description. My husband would love to "put his foot down" and have me do all these things, but I am very stuborn and have stood my ground at all costs. there has to be a happy medium. My husband is 11 years older than me and has learned a little from his mistakes made with his first wife. He caved into letting me have a cleaning service once everyother week...but only after a great deal of "nagging" and many many weeks of a messy house. i simply could not keep up with everything without making myself sick. i read that a stay at home mom's salray, if she were to have one, would be around $500,000! what his mother does is unexcuseble. To say things in front of her grandchildren that should be strictly between adults is absolutely horrilbe! I would completely flip out! I hope you get some good advise and find some solutions to what is going on. Don't let his beratting you bring down your self esteem. Don't doubt yourself....stand your ground and demand some respect. Let him whatch all the kids for a day or two and he will gain a new healthy respect for what you do all day and all night. Make sure he keeps the house spotless during this time!!! Ha! Like any man is capbale of this task! girl, I'll say a prayer for you. I have found that most stay at home moms have this problem with the husbad believing they "do nothing" all day, but your situation is extreme. I wish you the best of luck,

n

Angela - posted on 04/30/2009

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I think its time to leave.Sounds like you've tried and tried and tried.He is obviously not interested in this issue.Its only gonna get harder if it continues since the 9 year old has began the same behavior.I know that you dont have anywhere to go but you should start trying to make an arrangement to get out.This is going to ruin your life.I'm so sorry that you are in this situation.I hope it gets worked out...soon.

Devon - posted on 04/30/2009

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First of all you are a women and women these days are suppose to be strong. your showing him that you aren't sticking up for yourself and he is taking advantage of that. if you are a stay at home mom there is no reason for you to hire help that is a waist of money. clean what you can during the day and have you ever asked a friend or neighbor that you know well to watch your children why you go shopping? that would be an idea for you. try talking to him calmly and tell him how you feel. tell him that you are not his mother nor are you ever going to be like her and that he needs to get use to it. i see it as every relationship should be 50/50 with stuff. if nothing starts to change you always have the option of leaving him. it does sound like your already in an unhealthy relationship and it's not good for you or your children. better yet, take his butt on the dr. phil show!! lol. good luck and hope things work out better between the both of you. and start standing up for yourself.

Tiffany - posted on 04/30/2009

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Quoting Toni:

You can only talk sooo much. On his day off, wake up early and tell him you have to run out and he is responsible for the babies. Leave a prepared list of all the things he expects of you on hiss mirror and leave...no cell phone, no contact number...nothing. Return to the war zone after dinner and bat, bedtime. Say nothing, engage in no arguement. Just walk on in to bed, ignoring the hurricane that is sure to have ripped through the house and when you pass by him say only this "What the heck did you do all day?" Sometime walking in someone's shoes makes you less judgemental. And if he pulls it off by himself then that is great too because you can say " Since this is so easy for you and so difficult for me, perhaps you can help pick up some of the slack a little more."


This is what I did.  My husband thought that because he left the house to go to work that he was entitled to a free ride when he got home.  I have a 2yr old a 10month old, so my house gets messy and laundry is definitely not a task I can do unless both kids happen to take a nap at the same time (that is very rare).  So, after a few months of him asking me when he could expect a clean kitchen, dinner on the table, all clothes washed and everything spotless when he got home from work, I went away for 3 days and left the kids with him.  He hasn't made such a big deal of things since.  There are still some things that he still has issues with me not doing, like he really doesn't like a dirty kitchen (I don't either but some days I just don't have time to get to it til that evening), but he tries not to say anything about it.  He even thanked me for all that I am able to do... Kids take a lot of energy and attention, especially the babies... its hard to get EVERYTHING done in one day.  Now, I just make a list of what REALLY needs to be done the next day and try to get those things done first... then worry about everything else.  Example... today was kitchen and living/dining room needed to be swept/mopped and everything put away.  I managed to get all that done, so now I am going to attempt bathrooms when the baby takes his nap... if I can get that done, its on to our bed room... if not, thats first on my list tomorrow... but you shouldn't have to put up with that treatment... men really should start to understand that they may go to a job and work all day, but we stay at home moms work just as hard, and even harder than they do... we just don't get paid... good luck and I hope you can find some peace

Janine - posted on 04/30/2009

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Try this, get yourself a job on his days off so that he has to deal with it just like you do!! and you get time out so to speak, adult conversation, money and then you can put him down just like he does to you....oh and the mother in law she can fill in when the man of the house cant stand the heat!!!Goodluck and remember if you dont take of yourself no one else can do it either!

Jacqui - posted on 04/30/2009

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OMG get rid of him...I know this is very hard for you but get rid of him...You carried your children for 9 months each one so he should be greatful for that...Kiss his arse and tell him to pack his bags...Usually it would be better for you to pack your bags while he's at work, take the kids and go...Get out before your kids grow up like that..You don't need this, you are a fabulous mother so go be one to your kids. I agree but, it is half your fault because you put yourself there..Get out girl and you will live a much better life...

Take Care & it will all turn out for the best..

Daniela - posted on 04/30/2009

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Apart from going on holiday and leaving everything for youre husband to do !!! is youre mother in law visiting? otherwise get rid. teach youre older children to help from now, and TELL youre husband about everything you do everyday, men think that all we do is sit all day!!! you need a few hrs break at least twice a week.Be firm its 2009 not 1909, defo. tell youre mother in law to mind her own buisness other wise she"ll never stop. Good luck.

Joy - posted on 04/29/2009

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sounds like you do everything on ur own anyway so LEAVE before this makes a lasting impression on your kids. You do not want your children growing up believeing this is the correct way to treat a human being. Sounds like your spouse and his mother should move back in together!!

[deleted account]

You can only talk sooo much. On his day off, wake up early and tell him you have to run out and he is responsible for the babies. Leave a prepared list of all the things he expects of you on hiss mirror and leave...no cell phone, no contact number...nothing. Return to the war zone after dinner and bat, bedtime. Say nothing, engage in no arguement. Just walk on in to bed, ignoring the hurricane that is sure to have ripped through the house and when you pass by him say only this "What the heck did you do all day?" Sometime walking in someone's shoes makes you less judgemental. And if he pulls it off by himself then that is great too because you can say " Since this is so easy for you and so difficult for me, perhaps you can help pick up some of the slack a little more."

Kristen - posted on 04/29/2009

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If you think he would leave you if you stopped doing all the things you do for him, then leave him now. Dont waste your time. Same if you think he wouldnt be willing to get councelling. No point in trying to make it work if you are the only one willing to try.

Jennifer - posted on 04/29/2009

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GUUURRRLLL!!! THIS MUST BE A J.O.K.E. THE AVERAGE WOMAN WOULD SAY IT S THE MANS FAULT BUT... ( HERE ME OUT) IT NOT! IT'S YOU. BECAUSE YOU HAVE PLACED YOURSELF IN A SITUATION WHERE YOU NEED HIM, BUT HE SDOESNT NEED YOU! THEREFORE HE FEELS HE CAN TREAT YOU LIKE ( PARDON MY FRENCH) SHIT!! IF YOU KNOW YOU HAVE NO ONE ELSE THAN HE KNOWS YOU HAVE NO ONE ELSE. HE FEELS HE CAN TREAT YOU THIS WAY FOR 2 REASONS 1. HIS MOTHER HAS TAUGHT HIM THAT NO WOMAN IS GOOD ENOUGH FOR HIM. 2. BECAUSE YOU ALLOW IT! HE DOES THIS BECAUSE HE DOES NOT BELIEVE THAT YOU WILL LEAVE!!! CALL THAT SUCKERS BLUFF! HOW WILL YOU AFFORD IT YOU SAY, WHERE WILL YO GO YOU SAY, WHAT ABOUT THE CHILDREN? I LOVE MY HUSBAND! HONEY ALL OF THESE ARE GOOD QUESTIONS BUT WHERE THERE IS A PROBLEM THERE IS A SOLUTION! YOU GO GROCERY SHOPPING... START PUTTING THE CHANGE AWAY! YOU GO TO THE DRY CLEANERS... KEEP THE CHANGE! START COMING UP WITH WAYS TO SAVE A FEW HIDDEN PENNIES TO FIND YOURSELF AN OUT! ( HEAR ME OUT) THIS IS NOT BECAUSE YOU WANT TO LEAVE HIM, THIS IS BECAUSE YOU WANT TO CALL THE DEALERS BLUFF! GIVE HIM A TASTE OF HIS OWN MEDICINE LET HIM FIND OUT WHAT ITS LIKE TO MAKE HIS OWN MEALS LATE AT NIGHT AND FIND HIS OWN CLOTHES AFTER A SHOWER, AND LISTEN TO HIS MOM BITCH ALL DAY. GIRL AFTER A FEW DAYS OF THIS HE WILL BE BEGGING YOU BACK... ON YOUR TERMS!!! YOU ONLY NEED ENOUGH TO STAY AT AN HOTEL OR A FRIENDS FOR A FEW DAYS OR SO... NOW HERE IS THE CATCH IF YOU LEAVE AND HE LEAVES ON WITH OUT YOU THAN HONEY... I DONT HAVE TO SPELL IT OUT... HE IS NOT THE ONE! NOW THIS MAY NOT SEEM TO BE THE ANSWER FOR YOU BUT TRUST ME IT IS... OH AND WHERE THE HELL IS THE OTHER KIDS MOTHER???

Trish - posted on 04/29/2009

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honestly i was in that same type of situation and i finally said enough is enough and left him i am a stronger person now and i have a wonderful man that loves my children as i do his he helps as much as he can as he does work long hours as well. but u are worth so much more and should be treated with respect. i was a single mom with 3 kids for almost 3 years and my husband and i have been together almost 10 years now and i would not change anything i have decided on doin, you have to be able to have alife other then house work, kids and ur husband. i would tell him the same thing i told my ex KMA im done with this garbage. Goodluck.

Karen - posted on 04/29/2009

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they can't walk on you if you don't lay down. get pen and paper and write down what is important to YOU. prioritize those things and if you accomplish the first thing in a day namely spending time with your kids, let the rest go and let the peices fall where they may. I stake my money on this: if you do everything perfect your husband will still not be pleased, praise you rub your feet so what the f*** are you striving for. let it go. live for you and your babes. I was married to a guy like that and now i am with a guy (9 years) who can't wait to bring me a glass of wine. he will never be pleased with you because his discontent is within himself. LOVE DOES NOT LOOK LIKE THIS. he is not loving you now so what do you have to lose by not trying to be good enough for him. be good enough for you.

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