I love my mom but I can get abusive, stupid arguments I regret

EMar - posted on 12/06/2015 ( 4 moms have responded )

5

0

14

I love my mother, I don't talk to my dad much, or he doesn't talk to me, I think we use to kind of.
There's always been drink problems in our family, with my dad firstly, he always drank, since 14.
Funny, because the first time I tasted drugs I was 14. honestly i just got addicted and it was more
about me getting high than being around other people getting high, it got me in trouble as a kid.

My whole youth is behind me now, nobody knows what it was like, I just try to forget it.
I'm not a kid any more but it's been like that for so long it's normal for me now, weird childhood.

Even though i regret a lot of things I've said over the years, I've never been psychically abusive.
Well one time years ago when my best friend was alive, my dad use to be drinkin much heavier.
He would belt on my window and tell us to go to bed or shut up lol but one night he used a plaster
clown's face, so you can imagine me and my friend sitting in my room, probably spinning tunes
and having a smoke, my dad puts this clown's face through the window, sticks his head in the
window and says, nite lads, I went nuts and dragged him into his house by the neck, that was it.

These days, every so often me and my mom break in to silly arguments and she ends up telling me she is afraid of me, or going over our past and telling me thing si did or said, I can understand her feelings and it torments me sometimes, it's not nice and I can never forget it, actually it's not just with my mother, with my father too, he's hard to get along with, that's just how it's been.

My parents are older now, I just want to be nice, if I can't maybe I shouldn't be there.
I was just searching the web for related information, because it's on my mind and my parents
don't deserve to be treated like that never, I'm suppose to be an adult.
My mother would tell you I have a heart of gold, I feel like I have a stone heart.
I'm not a bad person, maybe I come across the wrong way with people but I don't mean it.

I haven't been to see anybody for help, I don't have arguments with everyone.
But maybe I need to deal with this so I can at least get along with my parents.

All I'm trying to do is help my mother do things she tells me she doesn't care about any more.
It never works out the way I intended it to, I try to help with their house and stuff.

My mom sometimes rings me and asks me if I'm at home, if I say yea there's a good possibility
She'll ask me to come up and try get her brother off the ground because he blacks out, some times i don't know if it's serious or an act but I had to go across town a few times late at night or in the early hours, or my dad falling down the stairs through the glass table, twice or 3 times so far, since he last came out of hospital, he's lucky to be alive really.

My mother doesn't deserve all this, from me and my father, or her brother, it's like my uncle is rewinding what we've already been through for maybe 40+ years, I dunno what's wrong with him, he was sick and got bad news that turned out to be ok, then I just seen him drunk a lot.
It makes me sad and then when I see her upset it makes me angry, wish I could change things.
Today I told my mother, when her brother comes to her house, please don't give him any drink.
That conversation didn't turn out too well, I ended up leaving before it got too out of hand.

I try to be there for them if they need me, I mean she will ring me, not my brothers.
I asked her one night, how come I haven't heard about him falling for weeks until he's in your house... she didn't answer for a while, anyway, he's drinking now as well, spirits etc.

I do care about them all but I'm a bit cold in the way I end up dealing with it.
My uncle could help himself if he wanted to, people do try but I dunno, he must be depressed.

I think everyone is entitled to have a drink in their own home, but drink is a problem in my family,
Honestly I will try stay away from drink for weeks, sometimes a few months if I'm lucky, then I
will go out and buy 4 beers, that's usually enough for me, to take away that craving.
I also drink cold sweet fizzy drinks if I feel like I need alcohol, works for me.

Anyway I know I can go a bit off the rails sometimes, and I don't want it to be with my parents.
The fact that my mother told me she was afraid of me, that's the saddest part for me.

Sometimes i stay away for a few days, maybe a week or more, but I always talk to my mom on
the phone, well, every few days and we can never hold a grudge, that's family love sort of.

So I'm thinking maybe I should stay away more often and maybe to the stage where I'm not around any more. as sad as it is, might be the best thing to do.

EDIT

Just one nightmare after the other, ring ring.. are you at home? yea what's up?
Your uncle is on the floor can you come up, gale force winds and lashing rain off I go again.
Went to the hospital with my mother tonight to visit my uncle who is going through DTs.
Then we came home and held my dad up while he crawled to the bathroom, I can't deal with it,
I get abusive because I'm angry about the fact that he did it to himself because of alcohol abuse.
Told him he needs help and my mother can't handle it any more, he won't listen, blood all over his
pgs and bed, bolt in one shoulder and plate in the other, completely broke up with back pain, it's horrible and I can't find it in me to be nice about it.

Every time I go home i feel guilty and sad that it's my mother that has to sit there alone, because my father is not capable of being there for her, and my brothers, well I guess their new families are more important, so they're never around much, they have cars, I don't but i'm the one she rings always.

Thanks for the advice.

Bye

4 Comments

View replies by

EMar - posted on 12/09/2015

5

0

14

I don't know, I think I'll move that table this evening, he falls a lot lately, but it's usually related to drink, yea it's wrong if her to feed his habit, but he screams down the stairs at her for everything including drink. I'm not there late at night, that's when the drinking is done.
I don't drink by the way, occasionally maybe a few beers, no spirits.
I had a fairly serious addiction during my teens and into adulthood, but not now.
I think my only issues are my temper tantrums, but it's kind of hard not to lose it.

It is a downwards spiral, I've been around alcohol abuse my whole life, and the city I live in is full of drugs, that was hard to stay away from when I was younger, I put it all down to experience, I got over it.

We won't be going to any counseling I'm sure of that, we use to when we were like 8 years old, the doctors use to make us watch videos on broken families, and told my mom at least one of us will be an alcho or junkie, guess that was me.

Anyway, just throwing my story out there, I feel sorry for anyone that has to go through this kind of life, I'm not sad right now, I don;t get that emotional, our relationship is still there, at least with my mother.
I just rang her and asked her if she wanted something to eat as she hasn't eaten yet today, 7pm now.

Raye - posted on 12/09/2015

3,761

0

21

Is "falling through the table at the end of the stairs" a metaphor? If he keep falling through it, why keep putting a table there to be broken or for him to hurt himself further? If this keeps happening, it is like a metaphor, because you all keep repeating the same destructive behaviors. Get a new table so everything looks normal... patch him up so everything looks normal. Your family's "normal" is bottom of the barrel.

All of you should be in counseling. These are not healthy relationships. I understand wanting to help and not wanting to turn your back on family. But you know it won't get better. Your "help" is just enabling the bad behavior, prolonging the inevitable demise, and getting you in a worse physical and emotional state.

Drinking is not an answer. If you see what it does to them, and you still think it's okay for you or your mom to take a drink, you're in the sinking ship with them. Enjoy the downward spiral as your lives all get flushed down the toilet. It's sad. Very sad.

EMar - posted on 12/09/2015

5

0

14

Thanks,

My dad will die if she's moves and she would never move, my father is in his 70's
He can barely walk to the bathroom which is like 10 steps from his bed room.

I ate him last night, said I know men older than him driving taxis or walking the park.
But I think he fell through the table at the end of the stairs again, kind of a wipe out
when you go to see them and the table in the hall is busted up or his slippers at the end of the stairs surrounded by broken glass, several times since he came home from hospital after 11 weeks of screaming for his father, they just drugged him up big time.

That's probably where the blood came from this time, he can barely sit up.
I'd say the only meal he had yesterday was the end of a bag of chips I gave him.
I can't handle the whole getting old thing, but I'm trying, I'll prob head there again this evening and then to the emergency ward to see her brother.

We were heading out the door last night to the hospital and he was trying to shout down the stairs "don't forget that message" to my mother, he wasn't talking about cigs.
She married into it, he was always a drinker, but use to be healthy enough, the highest paid job in the country, owns his own house no bills etc. and now just drinks, if she buys it, she drinks too but lately I think she's not drinking much but I guess she is drinking some vodka, hard not to drink in that environment, well it was bound to happen eventually right.

It's not a happy place but I'm the only one they got right now, like I said my brothers have families of their own, I have watched over the years, when they meet women, they disappear, that's how relationships work right, they don't want anything to do with it.

I'll probably head up there again in a while and see if anyone is dead or in hospital.
I can't turn my back on them, I guess if I was in a serious relationship, it would be a lot easier for me to turn my back on them, like my brothers, but I don;t want to turn my back on them, I often feel so guilty I tell myself I'll never do that again or go near them again, but I always do.

My plan today was to buy a small tin of paint and just do their bathroom, I don't think we're doin Christmas this year, so my mom says, I said I don't care about Christmas and I don't, but I'll probably still go out and buy some presents, I dunno why, it's crap anyway, it's just for the kids.

Raye - posted on 12/09/2015

3,761

0

21

So sorry to hear about your family struggles. Addiction is hard and can be devastating to families. First, I want to say that you need to take care of you. Keep yourself on an even plane and control your own demons. Second, your mother chooses to stay in that environment. She may feel trapped because people could die without her there, but it's their own decisions that are hurting them. I'm not saying never to help your mom when she rings you up. But realize (and maybe help her realize) that she's not helping them to get better. They won't change unless they want to change, and she's only allowing them to continue in a horrible state by being their crutch. She needs to get them into long term rehab, or she needs to save herself from the sinking ship and get out. It's not her responsibility. Yes, they're her family. But family that respects themselves and you won't put you through such hell. They're using her, and she's using you. I'm sure you love her, and I'm sure she loves you. But you have a right to be angry that this bullshit keep happening. If she could get free of it, maybe you would have a better relationship with her, because you could relax and not have to go into survival mode all the time.

Join Circle of Moms

Sign up for Circle of Moms and be a part of this community! Membership is just one click away.

Join Circle of Moms