I'm 17 years old and 39 weeks with my baby girl.

Jessie - posted on 06/12/2013 ( 108 moms have responded )

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I'm 17 years old and 39 weeks with my baby girl. Its really hard right now because I should be happy but I'm not. My boyfriend who I thought would be there has basically left me and threatening me, telling me that if I don't name the baby's last name his that he is going I court and making her last name his. I haven't done anything to deserve this an I still love h so much and just wish that we could be a family. I don't really know what to do and he told me that if he isn't in the room that he will never forgive me. I'm really considering him being in the room and giving her his last name but I'm just so confused because I know we won't be together. I just need to know if I'm making the right decision by doing this...and should I even consider being with him again if he does come back?

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Kristin - posted on 06/14/2013

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I had my first child at 17 and my story sounds a whole lot like yours. My ex said the whole time I was pregnant the kid wasn't his but you better believe he showed up at the hospital with his WHOLE family. He then started screaming because My child had My last name. I carried the baby for 9 months, while he partied and took No responsibility. I made the decision to give her my last name and my mom and older brother were the ones in the room with me. I grew stronger those 9 months and realized I did not need him to be a mom, I needed to believe in myself and provide for myself and my newborn baby. Although it was hard, I had to quit school to provide for my baby, I eventually went back. Now my baby is almost 18 and I am a nurse. Keep your head high, your will figure it all out. By the way, you can legally name your baby Charlie Brown if you want to. Just saying.....

Marilyn - posted on 06/17/2013

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If he's abandoned you while you're pregnant, he has no right to dictate anything about you or your child. And as for him never forgiving you? Isn't he the one who should be begging your forgiveness for leaving? Don't worry about someone like that not forgiving you!

What it sounds like to me is that he wants to have a solid claim on your child. If he's in the room and his last name is given to the baby, that could be establishing a basis for taking your child later. Don't fall for it!

Robbie - posted on 06/17/2013

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#1 - no offense but at 17 a young girl as yourself cannot fully know that much about a loving, respectful, and physical relationship with a boy. You are so young, you haven't finished school and now bringing an innocent babe into this world. How will you feed and clothe the baby. A physical relationship only resulted in making a baby. It didn't declare love, respect, or a lifetime with each other. Check with a lawyer on your rights. There is nothing right now or at birth that this young "gentleman" (and I use the word very loosely) can do except threaten you. Are your parents involved? Seek a good lawyer, counselor, pastor, parents, family...someone who will have your back and your best interest at heart. You are so young to be making the changes needed to make you a good mother, woman, and caregiver for such a little baby. The boyfriend, as much as he threatens, probably won't be around for long. There is no steady basis for a lasting relationship. Being a family takes a lot of work...not just making a baby. Are you sure you love him or just can't think of anything else to feel except panic and helpless? Seek comfort in some other way. If he's acting like this now just wait. It will only get worse. Be strong. Chances are you don't need him.

Sheryll - posted on 06/19/2013

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When I read this post I also always remember several things. There is the Mother's side, her child's father's side and somewhere in between there is the truth. When you only hear one side of the story you have to border on the side of caution.
This is about two young people who accidentally decided to create a life who should be making plans for prom and dates and college. Instead they are making plans to bring a precious baby girl into the world. So I would suggest that she needs a professional to guide her and her boyfriend and both families so this child has the best of both worlds.
Being older and now have a adult child I can see how hard this was on my daughter not to have her father in her life from the beginning. Just off and on if I had I am wondering if my grown daughter's self esteem would have been better, and stronger. I can also see how both parents are needed in a child's life. Because children do ask why their father's aren't there, and they do wonder if they are wanted.
My best advice is to get a counselor involved, both of these young people need parenting classes. They need strong family involvement from both families. Instead of giving her advice to shut this father out of her child's life we need to be giving her advice to be a strong force in her daughters life. How to include both parents and grandparents. To create a strong bond to both parents. There are some parents who don't want involved with their children. But how many doors were closed before that happened? So how do you open those doors to create harmony and balance for that child? Ego has to go. Whether or not you end up together and to be rejected hurts but you need to create balance for your child. This is what happens when you become a parent. You ego and hurt goes in the back seat and your priority is to your child. I don't mean to sound harsh but I want to see someone who can help this family work together and involve the whole family including grandparents, I can say my daughters father did step up, when I stepped out of the way. Her self esteem grew and she became a self confident woman who is now trying to get pregnant with my grandchild.

Lori - posted on 06/15/2013

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Apparently people don't know how to read that he is THREATENING u which is not ok n not something u need while giving birth. He does not need to be in there nor does the baby have to have his last name in order for him to be a father. I'm all for guys being involved in their kids' lives n not using kids as pawns but it is NOT acceptable for him to use threats against u to get his way. Do not let anyone push u into doing anything u r not comfortable with. He has a right to visitation if he chooses to be actively involved with his child but he does NOT have the right to force his way into the delivery room.

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Kelley - posted on 07/08/2013

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If he was not man enough to share his name with you and take you as his wife, then you do not share that name with that child. He can not force his name on to that birth certificate either. If you have any doubts, pick up a phone and call the birth registrars office at the hospital where you will be giving birth and ask.

DuSharme - posted on 06/26/2013

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well if he is truly the father yes i agree with him. give him some responisblity on this matter. he is scared just like u.dont give up on him. i too gave birth at age now im 41 and im a grandma from my 24 yr old daughter. remember this dont let other woman mother ur child. u and only u mother ur child

Suzy - posted on 06/25/2013

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When your about to embark on the biggest change of your life, you only want to have the most supportive of people around you.. He doesn't appear to fit the description of a "supportive person". What he is doing is emotional abuse. I would under no circumstances invite him into the birth room. He is not wanting to go for you, so I question why he is insistent he should be there?? I would be careful to use his name, because as far as custody issues go, once you sign the papers saying your daughter shares the same name as her father, he could literally walk out of the hospital with her, and nobody could do a darn thing about it! Tell him to pack his bags and kick his butt to the curb! You will have a new love in your life, so you won't have time for his stupid manipulative games! Good luck!

Grace - posted on 06/24/2013

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Never let him treat you like that! Your the mother and you do what you want to do, it is always your choice doll !

Tiffany - posted on 06/23/2013

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Give her her own last name! She can be unique, and her own little person! Names don't matter. She will always be yours and his. Period. No less, no more. Let her have her own name.

Brittany - posted on 06/22/2013

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Dont let his threatening you make you do something you dont or uncomfortable doing. Give the your last name if you want to, i gave my son my last name and when his dad took me to court over it the judge said that there wasnt anything wrong with giving him my name. And sweetie if you dont want himin the room when your giving birth you have that choice. Just tell the nurses that and they wont let him in and they would also tell security to keep an eye out too. I hope everything works out for you keep your head up

Misha - posted on 06/22/2013

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If it's a girl I don't think the last name matter because once she is married she might give it up. However I gave my son my last name because I didn't want him to ask any question about it while he was growing up. And when I put him in school and set appointments it's easier for me to say the same last name. He is also very proud we have the same name too. So I felt I made the best choice. However I didn't have such a rough start when I was pregnant. His dad was just not there or with me. Now he is in his life and he knows his dad first name but it never dawned on him to ask about the last name. Maybe because he is only 4 yrs old.... We shall see in the future. That's all I got for you. Good luck.... But remember to love you and your child first before anyone else. They are fragile and its our job to protect them. Its a hard road but they make it so much more worth it.

Mattie - posted on 06/22/2013

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Word of advise move on and fine you a good man, I was dating my son father for a while as soon as I said I was pregnant he dumped me and had nothing to do with me or my son for four years it was like that, finally at five years old I put him up for child support all of a sudden he started hanging around I still loved him so I was stupid enough to take him back, he still didn't want me or our son all he wanted was his money back, when I realized that I stop giving him money, he haven't been back since, so as you see I'm still a single mom and my son just turned 9 a month ago but my son don't no who his dad is an I stop worrying about it, so for your sake just be the best mom/dad you no how to be but I would not give him the last name of a man that don't want him, if he continue to bother you call the law.

Nicolle - posted on 06/22/2013

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You need to do what's best for you and your baby. If he is putting you through emotional distress or telling you what you MUST do, then he's not doing what's best for you.
I gave both my children their fathers name. And we separated when they were 5 and 9 months. Since, they have not seen him, by his choice. It was tough for awhile, but we made it through it. Now I am engaged to a wonderful man who is a wonderful father to the kids. They consider him their father and call him dad. THe oldest knows who her biological dad is, and today (she's 8) understands for the most part who the men in her life are and what roles they play and why she has a different last name. The younger (now 3) does not remember his father, only knows his stepdad and doesn't understand why mommy's last name isn't his last name. I wish I would have given them my maiden name to make it easier for them to understand. One thing is for certain, names can always be legally changed. Mine was when I was young and my mother remarried, so all of my siblings, her and my step father had the same last name.

This is one of the most enjoyable times in your life. If you are not comfortable with him being in the delivery room, you have the right to ask him to be in the waiting room. I understand it is his child too, and if he supports you and the baby, then he has every right to see her.

In my opinion, you should let him prove to you that he wants this relationship. If he truly cares for you and the baby, he will respect that. He will support you (not just financially but emotionally). He will be there for you and the baby. He will understand that he hurt you and he needs to allow you time to heal.

One final option about the name, give the baby both names. You can have a hyphenated last name that is both his and yours. Lots of people do that. Good luck!!

Bethanne - posted on 06/21/2013

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As you can see by all these comments, every situation is different. I ended up barefoot and pregnant at 25. Broke up at 15 weeks and continued fighting with the daddy. Out of spite, I gave my daughter my name, but 6 years later, He is married with a 4 yr old son, I have a 4 yr old son with his fathers name and am getting married married to my sons father. If I take his name, my husband, son and I all have the same name, and Her daddy and his wife and son have his name, while my daughter will be left as the only one with my maiden name. I regret my hasty decision now, because it created a whole new set of problems. I'd rather she had her father's name now so she could feel like she was a part of at least one of our families.
Men and women alike, make idle threats when angry, we let spite cloud our decisions, and are not seen in our best light during times of weakness. Give her his name, and let him be there. Allow him to prove he is worth being a father and pray for your daughter that he is. There are plenty of guys out there who DO man up and although the relationship won't work out, they are great fathers to those beautiful children they helped create.

User - posted on 06/21/2013

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You and your child don't need a person like that in your life. The child hasn't arrived yet and he's already using threatening gestures. Regardless if you think you still love him, this is no way to start a new family. Babies change the behaviours of a person, and not necessarily for the better.
You're the mother, you have more grounds and rights to that child than he does. You need to be strong and tell him how it is. You've been carrying and nurturing this child from day one, and being threatened is giving you more confidence not to have him in the room and give her his surname; your not married to him. It's your choice to put him on the birth certificate. If he fights it, let him, and let him pay for everything too. DNA tests are not cheap, neither are lawyers. You need to think about what's the best thing for you AND your baby girl.
Good luck to you.

Jennifer - posted on 06/21/2013

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Give the baby both last names and let her choose when she's old enough. Thats what i have done with my now 13 yr old. He never was in her life til about a year ago and she went by last name now she goes by both. Like many others have said its all about the baby. I have 4 kids with 3 different dads and none of them were in the room. It's your choice and noone elses.

Felicia - posted on 06/21/2013

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By giving your daughter his last name, it not only gives him parental rights but makes him responsible for her whether you are together or not. Being that you're 17, depending on your state he could be held for statutory rape, endangerment of a minor,a few other things. You could hyphen the last name, this way she has yours first then his. As far as getting back together, don't. Him being in the room? You want someone who will be supporting you and loving you. The pain is outweighed by the joy and he will dampen the joy, causing more pain. I wish you luck. Just remember, you deserve to be happy especially while bring a

La Tasha - posted on 06/21/2013

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I am sad that this is a bitter sweet moment for you, but your BLESSING will be here soon. I know that you want to be a family but if he doesn't want to be apart of your life then let hin go. You will have to continue to be strong and do what is best for you and your baby. You determine who is there during the birth. I suggest that you think about the positives and the negatives of the father being in the delivery room with you. You would not be the first mother to give birth without the father being in the room. It is totally up to you but don't allow pressure or stress to be the determing factor in your decision. Be blessed and as stress free as possible.

Melissa - posted on 06/21/2013

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I was 17 when I had my first daughter. I was not in a relationship with her father, so I never even told him until she was a year old. I only thought of her as mine and figured most 17 year old boys would want nothing to do with a baby, and would want me to have an abortion if he was even given a choice. But as she got older she wanted her father as well even though she was being raised by my mother, father, brother and myself. Once I did tell him about her, his family wanted to have a relationship with her as well as he. 4 years and $25K later in legal fees and after a lot of mean things said, court battles, and fights I gave in, or I at least grew up/matured. I was also married at this time, and my daughter didn't understand why her mommy's name and new brother's name were her "dad's" (stepdad) name, and her name was different. From that day on we became one big family and put our daughter first instead of our own feelings. She is now 17, a wonderful student and very happy about all the support she has from 3 sets of grandparents, 2 sets of parents and all of her siblings, and if you read the other posts on this sight quite a few of them are about problems they are having with their teenagers. By the way, I am in the US and I had listed my best friend as the father on her birth certificate. He is the one who initiated the legal action, and all the court needed for him to pursue paternity rights in Texas is proof he is the biological father, hence a court-ordered paternity test. Every situation is different, and I am not trying to sway you in one way or the other. I just wanted to give you my experience with same situation to make sure you are looking into the future of your daughter, not just your present.

Radelle - posted on 06/21/2013

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Sweet heart i was 15yrs old and had a Newborn with a man i thought was gpimg to have our back. But i realized my baby needed me more than anything. Enjoy the blessing and do not ne concerned whether oer not he is going to have be the

Jenn - posted on 06/21/2013

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First off I am sooo sorry he is being this way this should be a happy time in your life. It is your decision who is in the room with you, its what you are comfortable with bottom line, he can sit outside and see her as soon as shes born if that's whats best for you cause at that point it is about you, you are the one giving birth, just remember it is an important and special moment for him as well. As for giving her his last name that is completely up to you. He has a right to be in her life no matter what her last name is, I don't know how society has come to demand the child have the father;'s last name. I was married when I had my babies but their father is a pos and abusive and he has had nothing to do with them in over 7 years, so why should they have his name when he is not involved in any way shape or form nor is any part of his family! The biggest thing you need to do once shes born is make a legal agreement for visitation and child support etc, don't wait the longer you wait the bigger the mess is, believe me I have seen it time and time again...Good luck!!!

Desirae - posted on 06/21/2013

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Hello girly I'm here to help & give you some advice. I was 17 when I had my oldest & she's 4 years old now. Look even if you don't think y'all are going to be together then take into consideration the feelings of your child, because I know you're stressed being that far along & him not being around. You can't deprive him of that first special moment so let him be in the room & as far as the last name, I knew my daughters father & I weren't going to be together & I wasn't going to be fighting with him in court so she has both of our last names. If he don't want to be with you then fine. But let me tell you something if you make a change & start taking care of business he'll be so shocked & he'll be like "dang I can do that". It took my daughters father 4 years to realize that my baby needs him. After seeing that my husband is being the father to her that HE was suppose to be. They EVENTUALLY grow up. Just let him grown on his own time. From here on out it's all about your baby. & congrats I pray everything works out for you. God Bless.

Lisa - posted on 06/21/2013

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In my opinion, the father has every right to see his child born... as long as he is calm, supportive & in no way a threat to the mother (or anyone else). I would assume he is young too and by experiencing the birth of his child, he may grow up a little and maybe even have more respect for you. As for the last name, I'd use yours and let the rest play out as it may.

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don't have him there, and don't give your child the last name. in fact, don't even put him on the birth cert. if he fights it then he does. if he is so aggressive now it will only get worse when the child is born.

having feelings for someone doesn't mean they should have power over you (i speak from experience). you need to do what is best for your child, and for you.

Jeanette - posted on 06/20/2013

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My girl has my ex's last name who is a bastard but to me it's just a name. What you should be concern of is if he's a good father. If you are both not married and he don't have the intention to marry you, then draw a clean line now and be strong. I bring my girl up all by myself and she's 5 now. She is my angel and my motivation. I don't mind working few jobs a day just to provide for her and seeing her grow healthy and happily is enough. Don't rely and give in to that man's lousy shit just because you are afraid of the future. I have met my current boyfriend last year and he really care for me and treats my child like his own. You can do it!

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I have 2 children to 2 different fathers and they have both been in the room with me and both my daughter have their last names, regardless of what you think he has rights to see this child and have access to her you just need to put in place some boundaries around this. My mother was 17 when she had me and my bio logical father wasn't there when I was born and I wasn't given his last name and eventually I was completely adopted by the man I now call my father when I was about 4. As I got older I was told that he wasn't my biological father and wanted to find out who he was my mother never considered not giving me this information I found out who he was and even located him and found out he was a complete waste of space. Just remember you loved your ex enough to have unprotected sex with him and now there is a baby involved, this should be about her and not you or him, one day she will want to know who she is part of.

Dena - posted on 06/20/2013

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Leave his butt.If he is treating you like this he will never change,even after the baby comes.Give the baby your last name and move on.

Tanya - posted on 06/19/2013

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I would do both last names your first of course he can go by that and tell him if you get married the baby will go by his when you do but till then you both win and he will go by your . Good luck and remember a woman matures faster expressly during pregnancy you feel the baby move its real for him it will hit when he sees it , if he is a safe person he has the right to watch his child be born and may give him more respect for you as for him taking you to court he can't make you give baby his name if you don't believe me call attorney but what ever You as birth mom puts at hospital and he doesn't have to sign is what it will be :) chin up this is a special time don't let anyone take your mind off that

Dawn - posted on 06/19/2013

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As a mother of 2 my oldest dad was so horrible when we were together NDT he pleases his self when he wants to come c his son the worst thing I ever did was to put his name on the birth certificate because he has as much rights as you Hun xx and believe you me he will fight to get the child if he's named n the birth certificate do whats right for you n ur children hen a child does need both parents but there a limit to being a parent in the way he's acting he's not a parent he's using this as a excuse to not to be in ur life but at the same time be in ur life so that's he can choose when to be there in not to be there cause of the way you feel bout him xxx hope this helps you hen xx am always here hen if you need to talk x

Brandi - posted on 06/19/2013

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I'd definitely not give your daughter his last name! That will give him access to the child which could result in child abuse! I was 17 when I had my first child as well.

Kristi - posted on 06/19/2013

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For all those posters who are giving advice regarding this mother's (or any mother's) rights, and you believe that family courts heavily favor mothers, I strongly advise you to check your facts. The perpetuation of such myths is what is causing terrible crisis in Family Courts in the US and all over the world. Once she leaves the hospital, if the father decides he wants to be involved (even 10 years down the road), SHE WILL HAVE NO CHOICE IF IT'S TAKEN TO COURT. In fact, if at any time, the father challenged her for custody of the child it is VERY LIKELY THE COURTS WILL GRANT IT! Latest statistics say 70-90% of men who ask the courts for custody GET IT!
http://www.leadershipcouncil.org/1/res/c...
http://www.custodyprepformoms.org/
http://timesupblog.blogspot.com/2011/08/...
"Although mothers involved in contested custody cases make deliberately false allegations only one or two percent of the time, fathers receive custody between 70 and 83% of the time. In other words a large majority of abusers who seek custody are successful."

Keista - posted on 06/19/2013

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This is just my opinion but if he is threatening you than he is not a good guy to be with or a good father either. Think about your daughter. What do you think is best for her? And if he keeps threatening you like this you shouldn't be with him. There are a whole lot of nicer guys out there. And you deserve better than that. Both you and your daughter. Like I said this is just my opinion

Isha - posted on 06/19/2013

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If i may, i'm 22 and i recently had my baby girl. before her birth i was having problems with her dad and told him i could do it all on my own and i wouldn't give my baby his name. I'm in jamaica so not all hospitals allow dads to be in the delivery room but i believe that if the father of your child his there with u they would develop a better level of respect for u, due to the fact that they are able to see and hear everything your going through. No matter what the situation is with him you can not be alone at a time like this and your child to me would be best with her dad's name. I've grown to learn so far that u have to give and take with your emotions for your child's sake, her dad maybe a jerk but she as to grow to understand that. Here we believe that a child without their dad's name is without their full identity, she is gonna feel that emptiness in the longer run, so allow her the chance to have that identity but its up to u to know if after the birth of your child if u still want him in your life, but also remember he maybe out of your but you should never let him out of your daughters life.

Imbeautifuldawn - posted on 06/19/2013

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Sounds like he is a bully. I dont know what country you are in, but DONT listen to him! In the US he has really no power over the name of the baby. If you know you wont be together it is logical to name your child your own last name because it will be MUCH easier to manage with a child who has the same last name as you.
As for having him in the delivery room, answer with a resounding NO! having someone so controlling, unforgiving and inconsiderate in the delivery room is a MISTAKE! You will be uncomfortable, in pain, trying to manage this delivery, and making decisions and i have a feeling that he will decide that HE gets to make decisions for you. He has NO idea what birth is like. He needs to let you do what you feel is best.
It sounds as f you are apart for some very good reasons. dont let him use this baby girl to emotionally abuse you.
First, find someone who will support you 100%, and who would be vocal about supporting you, and then have a conversation (perhaps call him).I would tell him that you arent comfortable with him being in the room when you deliver. Tell him that giving birth is painful and overwhelming and that it ISNT ABOUT HIM! Say it! "Giving birth is NOT ABOUT YOU! Quite frankly, who CARES what you want in this! I am the one who will be in pain and pushing. What matters is what i need and feel comfortable with. I dont want you there."
Then hold your ground. You REALLY need supportive people in the delivery room. It doesnt sound like he will be supportive.
As for the name, tell him that due to legal reasons your daughter will have your last name. Tell him that if he is ornery about it you will not even put his name on the birth certificate and he can spend three years fighting for a paternity test with zero parental rights the entire time. I would consider leaving his name off anyway as a precaution. it sounds as if he has no intention of letting you keep your baby girl.
Make sure you have good support when you tell him. Be very calm. Who cares if he says he will never fogive you! YOU have custody! If he is going to be a jerk, then he doesnt get to see his child. He KNOWS you hold all the cards here and is trying to control and manipulate you. REALIZE you hold all the cards and then keep them! Have the delivery you want and do what is best for you and your baby girl. He will roar, but has no real power.
Praying for you!

Maria - posted on 06/19/2013

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I wished that I did what I wanted to do after my daughter was born, and forced to take her father's name. We were not married. To this day, I curse myself for not doing what I wanted- to give her a proper name, with my last name as the final name.
In other countries, the childrens names are with both parents, example:
Christina Lynn Tippie Welsh. So, you have an option to name your child what you deem correct. No one else should force you into naming your baby something that you do not agree to.

Bella - posted on 06/19/2013

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Legally speaking, you will be allowed to keep the baby and give her whatever name you choose; because, you are not married to the guy and in most cases, the courts give custody to the biological mother. However, the entire process can be quite stressful. If he is threatening you, you might want to consider not going back to him or ask him to be the father of your child. Considering that you are 39 weeks and knowing that he has left you, I take it that you have obviously decided to be a single mother. Having a baby, even in a loving environment can be overwhelming. Try to find a family member or friend to help you out with the baby and/or the chores in the house. If you are truly unhappy about the situation and unsure about your feelings towards the baby, you might want to consider adoption as a serious option. If you are not completely happy about your baby, you will not be able to give your love and attention to the fullest extent… something a baby needs loads of! I am the sort of person who does everything whole heartedly or not at all… not everyone is that way! Good luck!

Stephanie - posted on 06/19/2013

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Keep your head up. The same thing happened to me at 27. My daughter is 3.5 now and I rarely talk to her father. I used to care and stressed over it to the point where I was sick but now I see that I could have saved myself a lot of trouble. If you're not comfortable having him in the delivery room, don't. He'll only prove to be an uncomfortable source of stress and can effect your labor(trust me, I know).
Also, you don't have to tie the baby his last name, and there's nothing he can do about it. It's your right as a mother, and your final decision. Do you want your child to have the last name of a guy who might not even be around?? Think long and hard about this and remove him from your situation if he's causing this stress.

Good luck ♥

Kristi - posted on 06/18/2013

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One more thing, after reading some of the other replies....don't allow yourself to be hurt or demeaned by anyone who discourages or otherwise puts you down because you are a young mom! I had my first child at 17 and I heard all the usual unkind words about how I couldn't manage, I had ruined my life, etc. I'm now 40, remarried, and have 4 wonderful kids. My oldest (now 23) went to college and has never been married or had kids. My 20 year old son is on the Dean's List at a top University on full scholarship. My 15 year old is a brilliant honors student who is a star athlete. My 11 year old is a brilliant little artist. I am remarried now but spent most of my kids' lives as a single mom. Yet I was never on welfare (even if you DO need to get state assistance for a short time so that you can finish school, then you will repay whatever you got PLUS some when you enter the work force....in taxes you will pay). My kids were always well cared for....by me. I hold 3 college degrees and one post graduate certification. I'm working on my PhD. I've always been well employed. I don't think any of my kids would tell you they suffered because I was a teen parent.

Young moms (actually ALL moms) need encouragement and support. Life is full of too many stressors....we don't need to hear discouraging words from people. Of course, it's not ideal for most people to have a child so young because that's the time you should be focused on yourself and planning your own life. Also, young moms are much more likely to be single moms (at least at some point). But what's done is done. I won't lie and say parenting is easy as a teen....it's not. But parenting isn't easy at any age....even at 35 with a good education and money in the bank. I'm an L&D RN and I've taken care of plenty of 16 year old mommies that were more mature and less selfish than many 30 year olds.

This is not going to be easy, but YES YOU CAN DO IT!!!! And you can be a good parent, go to school, work, and provide a good life for your child. Don't let anyone convince you that you cannot.

Kristi - posted on 06/18/2013

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I had my son when I was barely 20 years old. The father and I were not together and I knew we wouldn't be. I REALLY wanted to give him my last name, because we have no other males in our family to carry on our family name, which is an ancient name. My ancestors were some of the first to arrive in the "New World" in the 1600's....I'm also descended from a man who was a president of the Constitutional Congress and signed the Declaration of Independence. However, I gave in and agreed to him having his father's name because he signed the paternity affidavit. My son is 20 years old now. His father has been very uninvolved, but his dad's family has been a huge part of my son's upbringing. My son's grandmother (the father's mother) is a dear woman who has done so much for my son. When my son was 17, he started talking about changing his last name to my family name (he came up with this all on his own). He said he felt no connection to his dad and didn't want his name. This broke my heart, but I had always encouraged his dad to have a relationship with him. His father chose not to. I made my son talk to his grandma (dad's mom) about this before I would support him making such a change. His grandma was afraid that my son only wanted to make the change out of anger for his father. I told my son that he should respect his grandma's feelings, and encouraged him to wait. He's now an adult and can change his name all on his own. He has held stead fast over 3 years that he wants to take my family name. His grandma is now comfortable that his decision was not out of anger and is supporting his choice. Bottom line: names can be changed. When your daughter is an adult, she can make her own choice. Or, if she started out with your name and the dad turned out to be a really good, involved father, you both can change her name any time. So I wouldn't stress out too much about this. The naming will have no bearing on custody or other legal matters.

I agree that fathers are important in kids' lives. The majority of men are great fathers. However, if your boyfriend is threatening you (with court action, "never forgiving you" aka holding a life long grudge) and is causing you severe emotional distress, especially during such a crucial time in the life of his child, then these are signs of emotional abuse. He doesn't have to punch you to abuse you. I don't know your whole story, but there is NO excuse for any type of abuse, including emotional and psychological. Those scars can be much tougher to heal. Unfortunately, if your case ends up in court, most judges are not knowledgeable about up to date information regarding abuse and likely will not consider verbal threats from him when deciding parental rights. And no, you DO NOT have complete control over your child (despite what people think) unless HE decides to step out of the picture. Even then, he can choose to reappear anytime he wants and assert his "rights." Many mothers make fatal mistakes when they believe that the father has fewer rights than the mother. If he does turn out to be a good father, regardless of how you feel about him, your child will be much better off if you and the father learn to cooperate and work with one another (instead of working against each other).

I hope all goes well and that your baby girl will be surrounded by the peace and love she needs....from both sides of her family.

Greg - posted on 06/18/2013

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Greg Chase Director and Editor Childabuse.com, PreventFamilyViolence.com great post and recommendations!! Well said. I certainly hope this young girl takes heed to what you carefully stated here. My hat's off to you for one of the best posts I've seen.

Gregory Chase,
Editor Childabuse.com helping to prevent child abuse, family violence and violence against women.
Supported by DiapersRus.com free home delivered products for kids with special needs

Miriam - posted on 06/18/2013

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After reading other posts, I see that many have good advice. It is very true that you are NOT married so you do not have to give baby his last name. Allowing him in the room is only good if it helps you. If your relationship is not good, that can cause stress but technically, he is the father so ideally he should want to be in the room in peace and to HELP you - if he loves the child , he SHOULD do the decent thing but he is 17 and that is pretty young! You can't expect much so it would be reasonable to have a DOULA in the room with you - a DOULA will provide support and you may be able to get a FREE one who is not certified and needs expereince but is STILL helpful . They do NOT have to be certified and you ARE allowed to have a support person in the room. Call a MIDWIFE for information on this. DO NOT CALL CHILD SERVICES EVER!!! Once you get a file - they could take your child. DO NOT EVEN TALK TO THEM! The field of DOULAS is also growing but at 37 weeks, hardly time to do all these things! Try to surround yourself with good people to advocate and try your best NOT to be adversarial . The Father needs help too to grow up if he wants to be a father . I disagree that he is a "classic abuser" He is proably just scared and not mature . Womens groups and those who "work with abused women" often demonise men and division is not healthy for anyone - especially the child and for healing to come at all , it should be BOTH mom and Dad for it to be effective and lasting. - Men are abused too. Cutting Dad off when it was also your choice to have a child with him is also an abuse to him if you utterly refuse him od any contact with his own child. You BOTH must take the consequences, BOTH must take responsibility but most of all ENJOY your baby and get others to get help for him. You are now in the stage where You have to focus on YOU and the baby - he needs to grow up but don't demonise him and be very careful of strong feminists womens groups who classify him as an abuser - and you as an " enabler" You will only get confused. It is simple - You are 17 and he is 17 Of COURSE you will have probelms at this age entering parenthood! He is proably just terrified - LOVE covers a lot to get you both through this - pray for that and LOVE may just "take this guy far from you if that is best OR..... LOVE will draw him closer - political views- feminist strongholds - man haters and also loving men too much, is not the answer - WISDOM is - so pray.... ALONE and confer with those you trust in your heart as best as you are able -

Miriam - posted on 06/18/2013

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Do NOT become adversarial - ESPECIALLY while pregant . Please do not theaten court or threaten him to "earn" his fatherhood. Life will make him . Don't close the door but take care of yourself and baby. That is most important. He may come around later on in life. He is the father so if he wants to be in the room for the birth, he should be able to and this may spur him on to responsibility. There is no reason why the baby should not have his last name , however if you are not together , I can understand the conflict you are having - esp if it may be a custody issue.That is tough for sure. You want to be sure he will BE there for the baby and since you love him, for you too! Since you are concerned over court issues , try to talk to him because it is best to be on teh same page. COURT is NEVER good . Try your best to NOT get the courts involved because they are never on your side or his really, even though it may seem the courts favor MOMS - they favor no one really in the end and once there is trouble, Childs Services may get involved and they WILL be a nigtmare - it is BEST to work it out with your boyfriend and try your best to get advocacy for BOTH of you - solidarity is important - even if you never stay together. He is the Father and it will be healthiest if he is allowed to be one. Healthy for him,for you and the child. There is advocacy around but hard to provide links not knowing whta CITY you reside in or even country. In Canada and USA , there is a GROWING movement of advocacy for these issues OUTSIDE the courts - here is a link http://www.canadacourtwatch.com/

Harriet Y - posted on 06/18/2013

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As other moms have said, the name is your choice. Your child may have a preference (when old enough to voice it) to have the same last name as his mom. The reason I say this is that when I was divorced, I asked my kids, ages 16 and 11, if they had a preference for my going back to my maiden name or keeping their dad's name. They both said they wanted me to keep dad's last name. Since it didn't matter to me, I did. I was surprised they were so definitive about this, and I can see that they prefer our surnames be one and the same. You will decide what is best and when you do, you'l feel better. Lastly, some guys who aren't involved with their children because they were never married to the mother do become involved later, so I wouldn't close the door. Remember that the father belongs to your child, and your child will want to know all about him even if he's not around. Honor this relationship and provide information and access, as long as it's something positive for your child. Good luck. You are at the doorway of a very exciting, life-changing time!

Casey - posted on 06/18/2013

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Don't give her/him his name. Make him earn it. If he doesn't want to be a part of her/his life then you can move on. There are plenty of MEN who would raise another mans child. Don't give in. I've been through this and I know how it can go because I still go through it with my ex. He can take you to court all he wants. Because its up to the mother for the last name on the certificate not the father

Anna - posted on 06/18/2013

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I was 17 when I got pregnant with my son (who is now 4) and his father was 22.

You name that baby what YOU want to name him/her. He can't MAKE you name the baby anything since you aren't married. EVEN if he took you to court. They would just laugh at him. Seriously, since you aren't married in some states you aren't even allowed to put him on the birth certificate until he proves he is the father (my sons' father STILL isn't on the birth certificate and he is involved in my son's life). In the end I did choose to have my son's last name be his dad's last name. I don't regret it. It didn't change anything about the situation. However my sons half brother (from his dad) has his mom's last name. It's a personal choice. Just don't let his threats scare you. They are just that. Threats.

Also, you really need to consider carefully about him being in the room. Is he going to be supportive of you? Is he going to respect you and your wishes? Is he going to be helpful and kind and nice? Labor is so stressful and so hard and so painful you don't need anybody in there who isn't going to be helpful and kind. If he is threatening you that is an indication that he isn't very mature. However, You also need to think about the future. Even if you aren't together, is he going to be in your child's life? If so, will you regret it if he isn't in the room? Will you someday wish you could share that with each other? I wish I could tell you what to do but that is a decision you have to make on your own. My sons' father was NOT in the room, mostly by his own choice but sometimes I really wish he would have manned up and come with me to appointments and been there when our son was born. He missed out on SO much! I don't think he even realizes how much he missed out on.

Being a young mom can be hard. There are so many difficult decisions to make. But just realize that although they seem big now, no matter what you decide, these decisions will be very small later on. This child will change your life forever. Hang in there! You can do this.

Renea - posted on 06/18/2013

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if it's not too late don't give that baby his name and if he takes you to court they can't make you change your child's name but they can make him pay child support lol you don't have to let him in the room either hospital staff can help you keep him out if he decides to make a scene he can go to jail

Sheryll - posted on 06/18/2013

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If it is his child I would hyphen the name with his and yours. As far as having him in the room during delivery that is your choice. But allowing him in the room will also help him bond with the child. This is important for both parents to bond with this baby.
Why is it a hardship to share last names of both parents with your child? Believe it or not as your child grows older this will be important. A child needs to know they are wanted and loved. When you made the adult decision to have a child it isn't just your child it is also his child. Children need two parents. They need the balance and love of both.
I hope your in counseling and taking parenting classes. I also hope you have a very strong support system with your family and his family.
I hope you have also continued your education and kept continuing with your education so your child will be taken care of and you have the skills to do so.
Being a adult isn't easy. Many couples don't stay together and yes it is heartbreaking but it is a fact. But if your mature you will put your baby ahead of your feelings and do what's best for your child. Unless the baby's father is a druggie, dangerous or so horrible let go of your ego and put your child first. Congratulations Sweetie!

Marcie - posted on 06/18/2013

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Jessie, there is an outside chance that he will fall in love with his child and become a great dad. You want to encourage a positive father-child relationship - a good relationship with a father makes all the difference to a child's success in school, social situations, ability to resist risky behavior and general well-being.
So, I'd say let him in the room and give the child his name. You (and more importantly, the baby) have lots to gain and not much to lose by having him in the child's life.
The truth is, he is one of the major figures in her life already and always will be. It might be that he is a hero to her, if he stays involved and supportive... or he will be a villain, if he creates tension, drama and no support.
I think you have a lot to do with how that turns out. You may not want to be his girlfriend or wife, but the fact will always be that he is the little girl's father. You need to be thinking about her well-being now.
Someday she'll be 17, or 21 or 40 and she will remember her parents. How will you be remembered?

Dra - posted on 06/18/2013

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ThedaWell guys tens to.act scared when the baby.is comin i have two girls and one otw ...still find.it hard getting thru with their dad we used to argue like crazy...he told me that he needs to get away and thinj i said fine go head ..im 26hes23..i still have to a mother wether hes here r not i love him too so much but at the end of the day he has to learn to love himself before he can love us..sounds fup but when they become dads first time,tenth time its always oh fuck..hang in there let him go on head and help while ur in their because u didnt make that baby by urself yeap give her his last name to he'll snap to reality its okay for him to be scared..laugh and get ready to have that beautiful baby

Kristi - posted on 06/18/2013

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Oh...the naming question....once DNA is proven, in most states, the courts will take it upon themselves to put his name on the birth certificate and give the child his last name. And yes, they can.

Kristi - posted on 06/18/2013

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It sounds like your boyfriend is an immature little toddler who stamps his feet every time he doesn't get his way. If he was any kind of a man, capable of being a good father, he would be doing everything he can to look out for the best interest of his child, and thus, the woman carrying his baby and preparing to bring her into the world. That being said, he sounds like he may be capable of causing you alot of problems. I'm not sure where you live and laws vary from state to state, but here's how the name thing goes in most states these days: if you don't put him on the birth certificate, he can take you to court and demand DNA testing. When it comes back that he is the father, he will likely whine to the courts that either A.) You didn't put him on the birth certificate because you are trying to shut him out of his child's life or B.) That you didn't put him on the birth certificate because you sleep around and didn't know who the father was (even if it's not true, the judge will likely believe it anyway). Either one of these accusations then puts him in a position to sue you for custody. And if he does, chances are very, very high that he will get it. Out of fathers who ask the courts for custody, 70-90% WILL GET IT! Well meaning people will tell you that A.) Courts never take kids from their moms unless they are very unfit or B.) You will be able to get a free lawyer to help you if he challenges custody. Choice A is just plain untrue. Look at Kelly Rutherford (TV star) who is having to fly to France to "visit" her kids (she refused to put father's name on her younger child's birth certificate and it was a major source of trouble for her...you can read all about it online). I also know a woman who is a university professor with a PhD (doctorate) who's specialty is helping out people who have been trafficked by the sex industry. She's not even allowed to have any contact with her daughter, who is being forced to live with an abusive father. And these few examples are from women who had money to fight. B.) Call your local legal aid and tell them you need their help and a free attorney for custody issues and see what they say. Then, call your state Bar Association (lawyers' governing body) and tell them you are having custody problems with your child's father and need a "pro bono" (free) attorney. I pretty much guarantee you that they both will say, "Sorry ma'am, we can't help you. Call a local attorney for help." When you call a local attorney, IF they even agree to take your case, you can plan on spending at least $100,000 if a custody fight ensues. And the lawyer will want it UP FRONT and will drop you like a hot pan if you are 5 minutes late on a payment. Your ex? Well, the government WILL help him with getting a free or law cost attorney through "Responsible Fatherhood Programs" administered by Health and Human Services (HHS). Billions of tax dollars every year are funneled into these programs, which help men take custody of their children. There are NO comparable programs for women and this is a HUGE reason behind moms losing custody of their kids, many times to abusive and criminal men. Any person who tells you that you have nothing to worry about, ask them (if they are a woman) if they have ever been taken to court and challenged for custody. I guarantee you, they haven't. If they have kids and the father isn't around, it was likely his choice not to be around and he didn't go to the courts for assistance. Anyway, if you just fade quietly into the background and don't wave the baby in his face, he might just go away. However, if you still talk to him and he gets the idea that he's going to take you to court, you may have problems. Child support? Good luck getting that. Many, many custody battles are launched because a mom asked for child support....then the mom was the one who ended up PAYING the child support.

Ana - posted on 06/18/2013

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all I have to say is if you know you're not going to be together then it's probably better if you give your baby his last name that way you're guaranteed to get child support if he ever does get a job makes good money not saying he doesn't now but you know

Loretta - posted on 06/18/2013

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Putting your feelings for him aside, it doesn't sound like the father of your child has very strong character. Feelings will come and go in a relationship, but being intimate with someone whose character is weak will only result in heartbreak. If he is threatening you to get his way, that is a sign of bad character. He may be very nice when getting his way, but you will get tired of having to give him his way to have any peace. It's understandable to wish you could be a family, but you rushed things a little. You didn't wait until you found someone who was willing to make a commitment to you and who had the strength of character to carry that commitment through before you made a baby. Now you're on a difficult road. Focus on gathering the support you need to be the best mom you can be to this precious little life. And it wouldn't be a bad idea to let yourself grow up and learn more about yourself and relationships before you get into another one.

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