i'm a mom, grandmother greatgrandmother that has been taken away from her family

Joyce - posted on 08/15/2015 ( 4 moms have responded )

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it's been an awful heartbreaking nightmare existence that never stops from morning to night agony knowing that my daughters keep my own family away fro me, i am that negative ,depressing person that says things in a wrong way but not to hurt anyone. Years go by and it doesn't stop i would have done suicide but i have children at home. when i read the emails of women that kept their children away i feel for their mothers. The children in this throw away world are taught to disrespect their mother from the the time they are born to disrespect their mothers movies ,books TV. Capable of love, just remove her from her own families love that could have help her. your teaching your own children that they should have no empathy or caring for you in the future. you are teaching them ready made solutions based on your own anger and negativity. I've have been negative around my children at home, but thank God, we talk about it to the point of laughter and my children are capable are able to talk to their friends about negative issues who knows how many changes they have made. I have 3 older daughters that have constantly done things to us the ones still at home, and i also had to curb their influences because believe it or not your children are grown but not always right in their judgment either.You could say it's because the mom taught them to be negative but then who taught the mom? I was born without love in a family that the stepmom hated me and only projected horrible negativity to me to the point of telling me she hated me and wish i would die and only wanted her real kids, since i was the product of a cheating husband. My family could have helped me to stay in the family but they didn't it was easier to just get rid of me, i was diagnosed with PTSD and depression after.. raising my 1st 3 children. I now have breast cancer and am extremely lonely for my oldest daughters and grandchildren and great grandchildren but it can't be fixed because the poison has gone on for too many years and last year i was not invited to my daughters wedding, before you think of being so ruthless to someone who may not be able to help themselves look in your heart tell them face to face without malice and explain why your wanting to limit their visits, if you do that, the smallest of things you would have at least treated them with some dignity and respect at least with something to think about and actively do something to curb themselves and even have some stop words that could be used if things sound too negative, Your suppose to be mothers, yet, you stop when things are difficult but your mother didn't stop when things were difficult for her with you, i know i didn't, i kept trying to do better, be better but when u have years where people just treat you like that what's the point, their not going to stop because family members are now use to thinking we are better than she is her own children threw her out of the family etc. yet hopefully, you wouldn't do that to your children would you? no, you would work with them and get them help but your mother doesn't deserve the same? i don't know how long i can last i only pray i have strength to keep going on, I gave birth to at least 3 of the 6 that cherishes the love that was given to them and not just focuses on the negativity.

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Sarah - posted on 08/15/2015

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Good Heavens, kudos Dove, Shawnn and Jane for being able to interpret that post! After reading the responses I think I understand the content. Sad, chronically negative, disrespectful people are not pleasant company. Until you take the initiative to fix yourself, no one is going to try to connect with you.
Jane, DCFS is not a perfect system but if you truly believe that the caseworker is not following guidelines and is making random decisions about your family. Ask for a review of the case file. To sit by idly and say, "woe is me, DCFS has it out for me and my family" is not productive.

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 08/15/2015

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First: Stop blaming everyone else. You admit that you raised your children steeped in negativity, and yet you are confused and hurt when they choose NOT to allow their children to be in a negative atmosphere!
1) " i am that negative ,depressing person that says things in a wrong way but not to hurt anyone" Humans can only handle so much of this treatment, and generally counselors will tell one who is continually experiencing it to limit contact with the person causing it.
2) "The children in this throw away world are taught to disrespect their mother from the the time they are born to disrespect their mothers" This is an extremely irritating, and false statement. Children are taught BY THEIR PARENTS to behave in certain ways. If you had not continually expressed negativity towards your eldest children, and taught them love and respect, you would be getting love and respect, rather than negativity.
3) "You could say it's because the mom taught them to be negative but then who taught the mom? I was born without love in a family that the stepmom hated me and only projected horrible negativity to me to the point of telling me she hated me and wish i would die and only wanted her real kids, since i was the product of a cheating husband." At which point, you should have spoken with your father, and asked for not only individual counseling to handle the abuse, but family counseling so that your step mother would understand her affects on you. YOU are perpetrating the negativity.
4) "My family could have helped me to stay in the family but they didn't it was easier to just get rid of me" Ok, so what did you do to help yourself? Did you get counseling and therapy? If one does not indicate that they WANT help, sometimes the family is up in arms not knowing what to do or how to do it.
5)" I now have breast cancer and am extremely lonely for my oldest daughters and grandchildren and great grandchildren but it can't be fixed because the poison has gone on for too many years" I'm sorry for your diagnosis, and again I ask, are you in therapy? It is understandable that people who have dealt with negativity for their entire lives are not willing to meet in the middle any more. They have to protect themselves, and their children. Have you attempted to have a family therapist reach out to them?
6) " last year i was not invited to my daughters wedding, before you think of being so ruthless to someone who may not be able to help themselves" This is a crock. The only way you can claim to not be able to help yourself is if you're a complete vegetable. Otherwise, you are a human, an individual who makes their own personal choices, and responsible for your actions, PTSD related or not. If you cannot control your actions around others, you will not be invited to be around those others.
7)" look in your heart tell them face to face without malice and explain why your wanting to limit their visits, if you do that, the smallest of things you would have at least treated them with some dignity and respect at least with something to think about and actively do something to curb themselves and even have some stop words that could be used if things sound too negative," I wonder if your children haven't tried exactly this, only to get this whole novel about how they are disrespecting you. My mother didn't listen for YEARS
8) It is quite obvious that there are a lot of issues within yourself and your family. The only thing I can suggest is therapy. Those children endured a lifetime of negativity from you, and the only thing that can counteract that now is for you to do a complete turn around, stop being negative, start being positive, and POSITIVELY reaching out, instead of trying to guilt them into spending time with you now that you're ill.

Dove - posted on 08/15/2015

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Are you in constant counseling? If not... I highly recommend it. You can not control their actions... all you can control is your reaction to their actions... and it sounds like you could really benefit from some professional help in learning to let go of your pain and anger in this situation.

As for the rest... I have a grandma and an aunt that I cut 100% out of my life. They are toxic people and I will NOT keep toxic people in my life whether they are family or not. My mom, on the other hand, has not cut them out of her life (her sister and mom) and she struggles w/ dealing w/ them all the time and has since she was a little girl. She has more of the mindset of 'obligation to family' and I have more of the mindset of emotional/mental health is important... and SHE raised me. I even had to cut her out of my life for a while for my sanity... she took that as a sign that there were some lines she could not cross w/ me... and we've now had a GOOD relationship for the past 13 years.

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Jane - posted on 08/15/2015

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I can feel the pain in your story here. My heart breaks for you. I am very fortunate as far as my children. But I have a sibling I was extremely close to and his wife has basically just ignored me for some reason she has been in the family for thirty years plus and we always did things together I was married to a very wealthy man for a period of time and we traveled a lot together then all the sudden we are no longer friends she never calls, we live in a small town and I think that it is pure gossip. What can you do if you do not know why or what has transpired. It has hurt me because we lost our mom to a brutal murder years ago, then recently last two years I lost my oldest child, then we lost our nephew (the kids cousin) both of these were tragic deaths, then the children's dad died and then my daddy passed away their granddaddy. I have yet to receive one call from my brother or his wife since the deaths of any. I did get a Birthday call from him, We always spent holidays, I wrote apology letter to his wife no answer apology for whatever I had done no response. I then within this past year my youngest daughter had an incident that DCF handled wrong and in doing so the pgm my daughter asked her to come get my two year old grandson and when she did she made us think she could not get him back now I have gone through everything I need to do to see this child, my daughter went to a drug rehab left after 40 days to get a job and continue her degree and DCf has treated us like dogs. Like we are scum bags, I am a registered nurse and really does not matter where you come from we love our children we make mistakes we are human and I too suffer from PTSD. No one understands what PTSD does to you along with the depression, I have finally gotten counseling but the pgm went to court without us knowing we go no papers DCF never did go to the home to investigate it they are legally suppose to within 24 to 48 hours. They basically kept us at bay in all regards to my grandson. My grandson has never been abandoned, hurt physicaly and or mentally they chose to believe whatever. We have yet to go before judge to tell our side of the story. My grandson and daughter lived with me at various times and I played a big part of his life while his mom went to school and work first two years of his life, the pgm never asked to see him and they were not close now she has complete control and my daughter gets to see him 4 hours a month isn't DCF suppose to reunite families isn't that their job and how can the pgm keep them from talking on phone and not seeing him it is a depressive mess, But I want you to know that I did start understanding PTSD, you need to go to talk therapy and read about it, it is a cycle and will repeat and give you the victim mentality which you have been victimized but you can break the cycle, The victim mentality is absolutely normal for what you have been through, but I know no one understand you I have been there, I pray for you that you get help please know you are worth something more than how your being treated, I have begun to heal nothing has changed in the situations yet but I believe with God's help and his wisdom I am gonna make it and things are gonna change and I will see my grandson my daughter will get him back soon and that my sister in law and all will respect me for me and not think I am some crazy nut ecause I know I am not!! I wish you peace and joy and much much love and success here. Write me back if you want to talk, Hugs dear one I do feel your pain, Try to be positive and change your thoughts hard as it seems to be God is going to work it out for you I know he is, Blessings after BLessings I pray over your life.
I love and miss my grandson more than anything I have six other grand children I see all the time this is what baffles me I am ok to keep their children and be involved in their lives DCF is hard and I am very sick over it I do not want him to forget me.

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