I'm being consumed by my inability to trust :(

SoFarGone_17 - posted on 12/05/2013 ( 14 moms have responded )

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Let me start by saying what EVERY woman who wants their relationship to work says.. I have a great understanding man.. he just has his shady areas. Soo.. I've been having difficulty with my man because we are both young.. he wants to experience some "sexual desires" that apparently we are fulfilling together. I've caught him on dating sights, online webcam with women, and even trying to go as far as to hook up with women from online. He apologized, I forgave, and it became a VICIOUS cycle. He tried to meet up with a woman for sex.. she didn't show up.. I know this because she texted his phone.. and YES I called her back and got the details..she was an escort :( THEN I overhear him tell his friends that he has "girlfriend and all" BUT if a fine female with a nice ass were to offer him sex.. he'd take it. <

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LalaBoom - posted on 12/06/2013

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It's not that YOU have "an inability to trust," its that this man has toyed with your tolerance and forgiveness so now it isn't as easy to simply hand it out.

So first things first: YOU are not the problem.

Have you asked him why he feels the need to persue these other women? Or if there's anything "lacking" in your sex life? I would only do this if I am willing to trust him again. But if not, take care of YOU, what do YOU want.... Don't sacrifice your needs (i.e., fidelity, trust, loyalty, etc) to make him happy- it will only make you miserable. He cannot give you these things, but another person can and will...

I'm sorry you're dealing with this... :(

But at the end of the day, like my mom says, "people will only do to you what you allow them to do..."
Time to put on your big girl panties sweetie....

[momoftwo] - posted on 12/05/2013

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There is no working things out with a pervert. My ex was highly addicted to porn and he was basically just a big creep. When you think things are going good it means they have just learnt how to hide it better. He is always going to cheat on you so like Shawnn said, ditch the loser. He's a creep. He's too worried about other women so let him screw around on them, not on you.

I have found a guy that wouldn't dare look at another woman because he has respect and only eyes for me. Yes they exist and you'll find yours too you're just looking in the wrong place.

And LOL @ them calling themselves escorts. It's just a word they use that sounds better than prostitute.

Cc - posted on 12/08/2013

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I know someone already said it, but it's NOT YOU. You don't have a problem...he does and he's lucky that you haven't left him yet. Make sure he knows that. I had similar issues and when I stopped apologizing for not trusting and started letting myself be the angry one for finding questionable things...things changed. I kept sticking around waiting to actually walk in on him and I became obsessed with catching him that I was actually leaving my cell around the house and recording while I walked to the store. I caught some questionable conversations, but nothing more than that. I finally decided I had to stop looking and put my trust in God or in the universe that whatever is in the darkness would eventually come to light. I eventually decided to start fresh and forgive him for whatever happened in the past. But I have to be a bigger person and not look through his stuff and give him his privacy. If he is going to be faithful it has to be his decision, not mine. So far so good, but if he only slips up one time, I'm gone. And I am putting faith in God that I will know what I need to know. I know plenty of long term relationships where the man is unfaithful, but majority of the women really know what is going on and choose to live with it. Remember that it's your choice. And don't be afraid to leave him for a week next time something questionable happens.
On another note...ask him what he's looking for during sex. Maybe you guys need to spice it up in bed so he won't be out looking. Not putting blame on you at all....just saying that sometimes couples need to talk about these things....sex is very important in a relationship.

Stacey Leigh - posted on 12/07/2013

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Well when I first started going out with my boyfriend who I now have a baby with he used to call girls text them Facebook them saying send me a sex picture of you I was like what this isn't on his exs used to email me saying they been meeting up basically starring which hurt I found out he let another girl give him a love bite when he was drunk this point I wanted to kill but still stupidly in love with him and now I look back I'm like what are you doing but now he has changed don't do nothing like that now as he not got the time and I check up on him and he knows that but I'm getting there after having our bubba everything was perfect but I had post natal depression I got councillng for it and she helps me through everything including my relationship
If you feel like he don't love you and he not putting any effort towards the relationship then why waste you love, time and energy when its going know where just to see if it works out in the long run chuck him find someone who will be a gentleman to you and not be and arose in he will see what he has lost and it will be to late x
Make the decision that will best suite your future happy ness x

[deleted account]

You don't. Women keep trying to find people they can "trust" and then they get hurt. You need to realize that you can NEVER actually trust another person. People are inherently selfish, and they will do whatever makes THEM happiest. If fucking a cheap whore will make your guy happier than not fucking her, then he's going to do it.
Instead of trying to trust people, you have to look at the person and decide if having them in your life is worth the pain they may one day cause you.
Look at your relationship with your guy, is the joy it brings you greater than the pain it would cause if he slept with another woman? If your relationship with this guy is not so incredibly wonderful that you would forgive him and try to work through it if he ever slept with another girl, then leave him. He is not worth your time, respect, or love. Look for a man who makes you so happy, who loves you so much, that no matter what he ever did to hurt you, that pain would pale in comparison to how happy he makes you. When you find THAT man, you won't have to worry about him sleeping around because in order to make you love him that much--enough to risk even the deepest pain he could cause--he has to put all of his efforts into making you love him. A man like that will not want to sleep with a cheap whore because, any man willing to do what it takes to make a women love him so much she would risk her heart loves the woman he is with. He wouldn't work that hard for a woman he didn't love.

That said, you still wouldn't trust the man, you would just love him enough to survive and be glad you had the time you did with him when he screws up, but hopefully, he won't screw up. I've been married to my husband for 11 years. I know that he could cheat on me any day or turn into an abusive asshole, but I love him so much that it's worth the risk. That isn't to say that I would stay with him after he cheated, or if he ever hit me, but the joy I feel now by having him in my life is greater than the pain I would feel then, when the relationship is over.

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SoFarGone_17 - posted on 12/10/2013

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Wow you guys are awesome, each one of you who have posted in the past couple of days really hit the nail on the head! @Cc.. WOW very similar to what I'm putting my self through right now, and you opened my eyes to the fact that.. if there is something that needs to come to light.. it eventually will. Thank you guys so much! I appreciate the responses and your ability to express rather than judge :) I'm not going to put myself through all of this all over again. He looks like he's trying to "change" but I don't expect him to change.. just to make better decisions. If he can't get it to together he can put someone else through this crap..

Tiffany Lynn - posted on 12/06/2013

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Just because he hasn't cheated yet, he has proven to you that he has the propensity to do so and unfortunately it is probably just a matter of time before he acts on these desires. First and foremost you most love and respect yourself above anyone else. Believe me, you do not want to waste your years feeling the need to babysit him because you can't trust him. Life is way too short for that, not to mention that the time you are wasting on staying with him is time lost finding the right man for you. If you set him free and he comes to the realization that he loves you and only you and he finds his way back into your life then you will know that it is worth the fight. If you set him free and he doesn't return then you will know that even though this door closes another and better door will open to you. Good luck to you and take care of yourself :)

[momoftwo] - posted on 12/05/2013

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LOL I know eh? The thing that worries me is if he contracts something you'll get it. I could care less about him though but you should save your brain and your butt and just leave his gross ass.

SoFarGone_17 - posted on 12/05/2013

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Lol at the escorts part @momoftwo that's exactly what i said in my head when i found out -.- which made it even more disgusting that he wanted to try something like that.

SoFarGone_17 - posted on 12/05/2013

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I completely see where you are coming from.. by letting me down I mean from early in childhood up until graduating high school.. I depend on no one at this point. I'm only 21 so I just reached my own level of independence. I guess the last leg of becoming fully independent is to not let the man I love as much as I do rule my emotions through his actions. As a human.. that's nearly impossible but I'm going to get there eventually. I guess I should change my name a little more.. lol I didn't expect to share as much but I went off on a rant -.- I've began to realize simply from typing that even though he recognized that he has been selfish through his actions.. nothing has really changed.. because when he talks to me about certain things his thoughts are still quite selfish :/
I have a lot of thought to put into this relationship.. probably more than he's putting into it at this point, about whether or not I'm wiling to be hurt Again. I've hurt him several times in the past.. but I made a complete turn around so that he could trust ME again. I wonder if he's going to try and do the same. His level of care and ability to just let things go.. is a lot higher than mine.

[deleted account]

I can't say I've been let down by everyone I've ever known, but I've been let down in come capacity by everyone I've ever depended on. If everyone you have ever known has let you down, you may be depending on them too much. They cannot let you down unless you are depending on them. I learned early on not to depend on anyone but myself. No one in my life right now could let me down because I don't depend on anyone in my life for anything.

A select few could hurt me because I love them so much that it would be very painful if something came between us, but I love them enough to take that risk. No one else can hurt me--I am careful about the information I share about myself, my situations, my relationships, etc. You have to be careful not to let anyone see any aspect of your life that could be considered a weakness, and you have to make sure you do not share anything about your life that someone could turn around and use against you. For example, I wouldn't tell anyone in your real life that you are worried about your relationship because they can use that weakness to hurt you, to make cracks in your confidence or esteem.

I don't know if that is what you mean by "keeping your guard up". I do guard my personal information in that I do not share it, but I don't feel like I have to "keep a guard up" because really, not many people in my life are interested in the information I choose not to share. I think if someone were asking me about any of that stuff, I would be suspicious. I probably would distance myself from prying people.

I know a lot of women need to "vent" or get personal things off their chest by writing them out or telling someone about them, or asking for advice. This is a perfect place for that because you can remain anonymous. That said, if Rachelle Allen is your real name, I would change it to a generic username. You've posted things here I would never want anyone who knew me in real life to know, and someone who knows you might recognize your name and make the connection.

SoFarGone_17 - posted on 12/05/2013

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@Kelly.. that's how I have seen the relationship.. we both work together and talk things through. I guess I'm just emotionally tired of keeping my guard up. I've already told him the only person I choose to trust anymore.. is Myself, quite frankly that's all we have in this life to trust. I'm trying to get to the point with myself that I can trust if something so bad happens that I have no choice but to leave.. at least I will be stable enough with myself to keep moving on. I have been let down by pretty much Everyone I've ever known.. it's getting old, tiring, and pretty Shi*** if I might add lol. I have a two and half year old daughter who is looking to me to show strength and courage.. but my tanks are being exhausted. :/
You definitely gave me an insight on the perspective I have been trying So Hard to reach in my relationship.. it's just getting there and staying focused that's so dang frustrating.

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 12/05/2013

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"Not actually cheating"...Yeah right. You just haven't caught him in the act.

Are you married? If not, kick the asshole to the curb and move forward with your life. If so, get some counseling.

He's cheating on you, and you're letting it slide.

SoFarGone_17 - posted on 12/05/2013

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How do you trust a man that has left so many hints of WANTING to cheat.. but not actually cheating. :( Has anyone gotten to this point with their man And still were able to find their trust in him again. We are young, and we have so much potential but I don't know how much more I can take of being worried, stressed, and on high alert CONSTANTLY.

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