I'm can't do this anymore

Tiffany - posted on 04/19/2016 ( 10 moms have responded )

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I've dealt with severe depression my whole life. I am a single mom of two boys. Their father is no longer in the picture their grandparents either have drug and alcohol problems I have no support. My ex who was very manipulative convinced me to drop out of school when I got pregnant and be a stay at home mom while he worked. After almost four years he and I decided to have another child (he had been pushing for a while) three week's after our second child was born he bolted.. I was jobless with two kids to support and nearly became homeless. I hate my life so much I don't have a job still because I keep losing daycare I don't have a car we,walk everywhere. I can barley afford the room I rent from my mother who is constantly drinking I have no other family support on either side and I want to kill myself. I love my kids they're great and I get constant compliments on them. But I don't connect with them I hate being around them but I force it. And I get so angry all the time and yell I'm a horrible mom I'm a horrible person for not wanting my kids..

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Mary - posted on 04/21/2016

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Tiffany,
I can understand your struggle as I have been there. Single mother, struggling to make ends meet. But do you think maybe you need to assess where you are vs where you want to be. Your situation is hard, I know, and the depression doesn't help you. But as many things that you have working against you, do you think your doing things to make it worse? During my worst times, when I have had a MILLION things trying to bring me down and keep me there, nudging me to give up...I made a list in my head everyday of things I should be grateful for. Even if I didn't feel grateful for them or happy about them, I did it anyway. I reminded myself that life (from my experience) is unfair, hard as hell at times, even bullying. But that is what life is. I think that with your situation being what it is and your depression, you have alot of shitty things stacked against you. But you can make it worse by your thinking. Everyday that you try, everyday that you wake up and try, that makes you a good mother. Your sons will grow up and become men and see how hard it was for you during this time and they will understand. Stop pushing them away, stop telling them you are a bad mother, because your not. Stop telling yourself these lies about your life that continue to feed your hopelessness. Your a strong women to have made it this far. Your boys are all that you have and all that they have is you. If youve gone thru the courts for child support, then that is all you can do, let it go. If one day you get some money from him, great, but until then its all on you. Remember, everyday that you wake up your stronger for it. You WILL get thru this. Things WILL get better for you. Only allow yourself to tackle one problem at a time. Start with your thoughts, work to control them. Next if your depression is a problem, and you want medicine, get that. One problem at a time. I know you need a job, a car, a sitter, a place of your own, do it one problem, one solution at a time. You might stumble and get set back at times, again, one thing at a time. You came here to this forum because you are strong, because you dont want to give up, because you dont want to feel how you do twords your boys, you are much stronger than you are giving yourself credit for. See yourself clearly, go look in the mirror and see a women with alot of fight in her because that is who you are.

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 04/20/2016

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Tiffany, if he stopped paying when he left, you take him back to court, and request enforcement.

Depending on where you live, it will be anything from forced paycheck garnishment to rescinding of his driving privileges.

YOU have to be proactive, and go after what you deserve. You GET to request and receive support for the children. You NEED to do so.


State assistance is NOT a bad thing, either. It's there for folks like you, who NEED it! I hope all goes well.

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Sarah - posted on 04/21/2016

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Tiffany, is he filed a federal tax return or received any government subsidy in2015, then an address should be obtainable. You gotta keep pushing

Tiffany - posted on 04/20/2016

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Shawn the courts are trying to find him, unfortunately nobody knows exactly where he is or at least nobody will tell me . I have filed with the courts since he left and even they tell me there's nothing they can do until they get his location.

Mary- maybe honestly I don't know it's been the last few month's I started to feel this way about my boys they are great kids but honestly I feel they deserve better and every time I look at them I'm reminded of how much I'm failing them, and how much easier it would be if they weren't around anymore, I can't seem to connect with them and being around them hurts

Mary - posted on 04/20/2016

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When you say you hate your life and dont want to be around your kids, is that the depression talking? You said that you dealt with severe depression all your life, are those feelings coming from that?

Tiffany - posted on 04/20/2016

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I did file for child support he just stopped paying when he left. I'm not sure if he's working or where he is. Our local food bank gives food only once a month and I use it. I attend church. They helped with Christmas for the boys, and clothes for them when needed, but not much else. Thank you for not judging me

Raye - posted on 04/20/2016

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You can't expect him to pay out of the goodness of his heart, you need to file for child support. Even if the father is out of state, they can take the money from his paycheck. Of course, filing for it doesn't mean he'll pay, but it's better than not trying at all. My dad quit his job and tried to get on disability so he wouldn't have to pay support. Those people are out there. But you should exhaust all legal opportunities that could be available to you.

I don't know where you live, but community organizations and churches can be a great help both emotionally and/or financially. If you locate a food pantry in your area that you could get food from once a week, that may also help free up a little money for other things. You just have to search your area for opportunities that are available.

Good luck with your doctor visit. Hopefully they can help alleviate some of your depression.

Tiffany - posted on 04/20/2016

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I'm in counseling, and have an appointment Friday for a med change. I'm on government assistance which is the only way I've been able to pay for my room and the kids needs. Their father left the state last year without so much as saying a word, he hasn't taken financial responsibility for them since he left. There aren't very many resources available for help with my situation. I'm doing my best and I fight the way I feel every day. Lateley I fear that it's winning though

Stephanieriker - posted on 04/20/2016

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You need to get help not just for yourself but for your kids you want to stop the cycle now before they get to much older and the pattern gets repeated,first of all learn to love yourself so you can love your kids who is the most important thing you have in your life.don't let to much time pass kids don't stay little forever ,just love them

Raye - posted on 04/20/2016

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I'm so sorry for what you've gone through. You need to find a support group or counseling to really help you with your feelings. Your issues go deeper than anyone here could possibly help you with. You realize there's a problem with the negative feelings, and that's a good thing. You are not a horrible person. You have had a lot happen in your life, and you have reason to be unhappy. What would be horrible would be to let the negativity continue. Have you applied for government assistance to help you financially? Have you filed for child support from the father? Have you sought out help from community organizations or churches? Have you looked into medication for your depression? There are resources out there, if you look hard enough.

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