I'm having mother in law issues, any advice?

Lisa - posted on 09/22/2009 ( 140 moms have responded )

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i have an over bearing mother in law who involves herself in EVERY aspect of my life. ex; are your bills paid?, did you feed your kids?, did you take out your garbage?. im sick of telling her she has over stepped her boundaries, i dont know how to handle her other then keeping her at a distance. Well i just found out that she is a once a week volunteer at my sons kindergarten, she supervises the half hour of recess time every tuesday. its happened 3 times and i just found out. what should i say or do? Nothing? tell her i dont like it? talk to the school? i need some advice.



Ps. my husband is also irritated by her but has given up on her ever changing

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Alavisi - posted on 09/29/2009

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Like most wives, we really feel threatened when anyone else shows interests in our families. YOu worked hard for your husband and children to get things a certain way and well- here comes the MOTHER IN LAW! I would suggest that you not get so bent out of shape. She sounds like she means well. Honestly, at a certain age mothers feel like no one Needs them anymore. This is the time to allow her to do as much as she can take on. Let her cook for you, clean, and hover. Instead of the 100 questions, offer up some conversation so she can have something else to talk about. Let the kids call her as a routine once or two times a week. Ask her to watch them while you and your husband have a weekly date-night. It really just sounds like your MIL just wants a little appreciation and to feel needed. Who doesn't right? You would have a much better relationship if you just don't overeact and allow her to do some things with your children. Don't even mention the volunteer at recess thing. I personally think that's a great idea. An extra set of eyes to watch what's going on with your child=PRICELESS!

Jayme - posted on 09/24/2009

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My husband and I have had trouble with my mother in law before we ever got married, infact he has had trouble with her most of his life. I believe she is bipolar but she refuses to get help. It was easy for my husband to ignore his mom because he had tried to help her in the past and it didn't matter. When we found out we were expecting a baby, she decided it would be good to verbally attack my family maybe in hopes to scare them off so that she would be the only grandma but it backfired and really upset me. I asked my husband to see a psychologist with me to determine what we should do. In our case, it was determined it was better for my husband to be the only one who spoke to her. It didn't mean that I shouldn't be polite, but it meant that if I had issues with what she was doing that my husband is the only voice that she might listen to and respect, and if she didn't listen and continued to be disrespectful, then we pull away opportunities for her to see her grandchild. I do believe as some of the other posts have said, that your husband needs to be the one to let her know the boundaries and then you have to stick to them. However, I think you and your husband should atleast consider meeting with a mediator or family counselor as to the best approach for your mother-in-law. My other suggestion is "to spread your wings and fly". In other words, what is the reason for you to live so close to your mother in law. By living so close, you are setting yourself up to where she can get into your business everyday. As much as you may want her to be someone different, she's not. She is showing you who she is, and yes if you move away, you will still get the phone calls. Moving away will not solve your problems, but it may allow you to have the space to breathe and be able to brush off some of her comments. Know that you don't have to pick up the phone when she calls. You can allow your husband to be the only one who returns the calls. Do consider setting up once a month dinners as a family with her or something like that so that she does get to spend time with your son while you and your husband are around. My husband had asked me to not talk bad about any family or grandparent in front of my daughter. We feel that she will make her own decision as she gets older. I can remember not liking one of my grandmothers as I grew up and my parents didn't have to tell me, I figured it out. Your son will figure it out too. In the meantime, you can limit the amount of one on one time your son has with her, but I wouldn't completely take away all visitation. No matter how bad the MIL is in your eyes, it's still pretty rare that you would need to cut out all correspondence with her. As far as her volunteering at school, I know that it is a problem to you since she does all these other things, but she's not getting one on one time with your son. I would assume other children and teachers would be around. If you're concerned that she will take your son out of school early on the day she volunteers, then you need to let the principal and his teacher know that she is not authorized to do so. They don't need to know your reasoning why, just keep your answer short and vague. Grandparents need things to do. The busier she is, the less time she will have to point out the flaws she thinks you have as a parent. The same goes for if she's lonely and is not getting enough personal attention. You may not be able to help her with either, but just realize that these might be reasons why she comes after you as much as she does. The only other thing I can think of is that her problem is more that she misses the relationship she feels she had with her son before he met or married you. As twisted as it seems, her calling and getting into your business may be the only way she knows how to keep conversation going with either you or her son. My MIL creates conflict in her life just so she can say she has a reason to call my husband or any of her other sons. She doesn't realize that she pushes them away by acting like that, but she has convinced herself that it's normal to behave that way. And no, talking to her about the problem has not helped. But me believing that she has an illness makes it a little easier in letting things go. It's not always easy to take the high ground, but as long as you have a husband who will listen to you and be there to work things out with his mom on the important issues and you can let go of the little ones, then it makes it possible to make it the next ten years or however long she is alive.

Good luck!

User - posted on 09/29/2009

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Hi Lisa,

I think it's great your MIL volunteers her time in the classroom. I think you have to shift your thinking...I'm sure your son loves that his grandmother is helping in his class! One day when you're a grandmother you might have the time and want to do the same thing..it's all about the kids!

As far as her getting involved in every aspect of your life..you need to "tastefully" put an end to that. Maybe sit her down (with your husband) and explain to her that you guys are no longer "children" and she needs to stop intervering with your personal lives. Explain to her that when she does these things, you just push her further away from you. Hopefully she will see the light:) Family is very important, and our kids learn by examples. If they see us treating people with disrespect..they too will grow to disrespect others..including us one day..and we don't want that.

Good luck with everything..remember life is too short to have ill feeling towards people.

KQ

Spring - posted on 09/22/2009

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I think we all have MIL issues at one time or another, but it is important that our children have the opportunity to spend time with their grandparents as long as it is a healthy relationship. If she has gotten to the point of you not having her over to the house anymore, maybe the volunteering is a good thing. She is able to spend time with her grandkids without interfering in your life and daily activities. I know it may be frustrating that she did it without informing you, but sometimes we just have to let things slide. I would talk to the school, though, and let them know that she is NEVER to take your children out of school unless they have personally spoken to you and have it in writing from you that she may take them. I would also tell them that you need to be informed about when she is there. Most schools will accomodate the parents in these situations. As for the comments, there is really nothing you can do other than inform her that you and your husband do not appreciate being made to feel like substandard parents. If she can't trust her own son to make good parenting decisions and to have made a good choice in his spouse, then maybe she didn't raise him as well as she thought she had and if that is the case, you really shouldn't be taking her advice.

[deleted account]

Lisa you need to talk to your husband again and again and again till he understands how important this problem is to you. It is his mother and he's the one that needs to talk to her, not you. If it was your mother that was giving him problems it would be your place to talk to her.

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Hollie - posted on 04/16/2011

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Oooh the mother in law. I have one of those nasty things. Mine had had numerous brain tumours, nervous breakdowns, lottery wins, You name it, shes had it!! She has lied compulsively about me to my husband (her son). Every time the phone rang, I felt sick. She questioned everything I did, even critised my sex life with my husband!!!!! She is plain evil and completely crazy. I tried and tried to just tolerate her for the sake of my poor husband but one day I just snapped and told her exactly what I thought of her. Since then I won't have her in my house. I changed the land line number. I erased her from my life basically. My husband speaks to her once in a blue moon if he has to and we like it that way. I never expected my husband to "fall out" with her like I did but I think I did him a favour really because she hardly bothers anymore. Take my advice you don't that negativity in your life. You need to tell her to keep her beak out of your families business or better still...... tell her no you didn't feed the kids, no the bills arent paid and no the garbage is going to rot, but is it any of your business....???? NO NO NO!! She needs to get the message loud and clear.

Jennifer - posted on 10/03/2009

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I simply told my mil that I am their mother not her so she needs to respect that. I don't go to her house and disrespect her so she shouldn't come to my house and disrespect me. She didn't even raise her son, his father did, so who are you to tell me how to parent my children. Further more she really doesn't have a lot to do with my kids unless we go to her house due to the fact that they are not her current husbands biological grandkids, but I look at it as it being her loss. She would only call when she need to borrow money or needed my husband to do something for her. I used to get really upset because my husband always defended her. Saying it was because of her husband, bullcrap, that is her choice to be like that. It is like my husband told me only we can break the cycle. Since I have learn to stand my ground, of course she doesn't like it but to bad get over it. You had your chance to be a mother to your son and chose not to, now he is grown and has kids of his own, he don't need you to try and play mommy now. My husband and I fought a lot about her in the past but we have since come to an understanding and agreement when it comes to her. Good luck

Tammy - posted on 09/29/2009

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Sounds like your mother in law is realy lonly and borde and has to much time on her hands. Dose she have a hobbie? Dose she have friends? Dose she work out side the home? how old is she? If all of these or most of thease are no I think she want to be helpful but is going about it the realy wrong way.Is you husband an only child?She dosent want to be forgotten or shout out of your live's and sounds like she realy scared that why she pushing so hard.I have Six kids Five are married and I find my self wanting to but in all the time "because no one dose it better then,"the Mother" WHAT yes that what we think we think were helping but realy were butting in. We reamber how stressed out we were rasing out familys and dont want to stress on our kids and also parenting is diffrent these days then thay were years ago.I think she went over board. things to try to make thing better: check out the local hospitle see if thay need volunteer's or at a nursing home's. No you cant drop her off at the locked ward lol. make her think she realy wanted and needed thay should be able to keep her bussy and out of your busness. .And that supervising the play ground thing is realy to your advantage, there so much bulling at school exptly at reacess and it gives you an eye in to the class room to see what going on.Try giving her things that she can do to help you if you have stuff ( In ever did) I dont know how you kids are but maybe you could have her watch the kids and give you a day out.If that possable. Look for classes she could take learning art or music , any thing that she would like.See if that works for you. tammy

Teresa - posted on 09/29/2009

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Hi Lisa, what a difficult situation to be in for both of you, I wonder what is going on for your Mother -in Law ? I dont think she is intending to be a difficult person and try to make you dislike her , to me she sounds quite sad and alone and is trying to hard to hold on to being your sons mum and the pripority in his life and not you, some mums find it very hard to share their sons love with other s , having said that it does not take away the difficult situtaion you have found your family in because of her constant boundary breaking, maybe instead of waiting for her to jump in and do the things that irratate you and husband so much you could allocate things that might help you such as getting shopping taking the children for a morning so she does not feel excluded and feels she has to push her way in ? you may have to be honest with her to and explain to her exactly how her constant interuptions make you feel, if you feel that her being at the school is to difficult for you to handle then you are also going have to tell her of your concerns but keeping her at a distance will only leave her feeling isolated and resentful and you guilty and could cause further upset in the family, I hope this helps and in time I am sure if you can bear it may not seem quite a big issue in your life good luck.

Veronica - posted on 09/28/2009

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Hi, First of all your husband has to stand toe to toe with his mother in telling her she needs to back off/ away. Trust me I have one of those mother in laws, and it took my husband to stand up to her and telling her to stop getting involved.

I don't know if it's going to work or not, but you have to try everything.

My husband took a job in another state 17 hrs away and it has been HEAVEN not seeing, talking, or even dealing with her.

Kathy - posted on 09/28/2009

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I think your husband and you should have a sit down with mom. Make sure the two of you are on the same page before you do. Let her know that you realize she is only trying to help but if she continues to try to run your life you will pull further away and I am sure that is not what she wants. I would lay out exactly what you will accept. As far as your sons school, I can't see what it would hurt, although she certainly should have mentioned it to you before she decided to volunteer. I am sure she is just trying to spend as much time as possible with her grandchild. Is you husband an only child? Please just make sure you and your husband are a united force, I am divorced (and remarried) and I contribute a large part of my marital problems to my ex-husband not being willing to stand up to his step-mother even though he also had a problem with her being over bearing. Maybe you could also try to get her involved in a hobby, it sounds like she needs something more to do in her life. Hope it helps...I feel for you!

Aspen - posted on 09/28/2009

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It sucks to be in this situation. The advice I would have to give is:

Sit her down one more time both you and your husband. Explain to her that there is no need for her to worry about your finances, yes your children are fed and you think it's an insult to your parenting skills when she asks if you have done so. Also I would tell her that you don't appreciate her volunteering for his school without asking you first. Explain that if she had brought it up and given you enough respect about it then you wouldn't really have an issue. In addition, explain to her that if she says degrading things about you or your husband to your children then she will not be allowed to see them end of story.

If she takes things gracefully and realizes that you are serious and she is making a mistake then hopefully everything will be a storybook ending, but most likely it won't so let her know that her actions are damaging her relationship with you which in turns means your children as well. If it gets so bad stop letting your children see her as often and talk to the school. Most importantly though is you and your husband have to be on the same page as this, and confront her together.

One thing that mifght make her feel better is if say once a week (if she lives close) your kids go to visit for a couple hours. That's what we do with my mil and we have never had any problems! (I know I'm lucky!!!!!)

Brandi - posted on 09/28/2009

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seems like we have the same mother in law..my husband and i had to actually si down with her and tell her to butt out that this is our home,family and we dont need her advice and if we did we would ask for it..we also had to make it where she couldnt get in our yard..we put up a fence and gate because it got to the point where she would come to our home while we was either sleeping or not home and help herself to our things..i know it is testing but you have to be blunt with ppl like her...i hope this helps..

Rachel - posted on 09/28/2009

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This is the rule of thumb I have learnt.....your husbands family are his issue not yours. You need to get your husband to understand your frustrations and then get him to talk to your parents. Coming from you will probably only entagonise (is that how you spell it?) the situation. She is probably not meaning it to be annoying, but rather her way of showing that she cares and wants to know you are all alright, but yes it does come across as being overbearing. So talk to your husband and let him deal with it. Put caller id on your phone and whenever that number comes up, don't answer unless your husband is home and let him answer the phone. Do this until it blows over. We need to remember that MIL's need to be involved in their grandchildren's lives and it's important, but we all need to LEARN our place and boundaries

Karen - posted on 09/28/2009

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You need to step back and take a look at what she is doing. Is she really "over bearing" or is she lonely (is her husband still alive?) and just desperate to be involved with you and the family. Is your husband her only son? Is she looking to all the things for your son that she didn't or couldn't do with her own?



My (now ex) mother in law was the same. It's very hard to find at balance, but try not to push her away, and your husband should not give up trying to talk to her either. Yes you should talk to the school and see if it can be worked so that she is not directly involved with your son. Explain the problems you are having.



Agree with your husband what you would both like to happen and ensure that you have his support. Try and sit down with her over a cup of tea without your son or husband being around. Ask her directly why she is behaving the way she is. Lay down some ground rules, she then has two choices; either she heeds your wishes or looses out completely.



Don't let her make you believe that you are not good enough for her son, which is what her behaviour is suggesting. Put that to her and then remind her that infact you are the best person for her son, her grandson and if she values the family unit the best friend she could wish to have.



Stick with it. The going won't be easy and there be some period of estrangement, but if you don't sort this now it will continue and potentially cause problems between you and your husband.



I know it sounds harsh, but unless you take a stance now, this will only get worse.

Denise - posted on 09/28/2009

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call the school and tell them that you don't give her permission to be at the school for any of your kids activities unless you give them permission to allow her there. you are your child's parents and they have to do as you request. change your phone number too. tell her if she keeps doing these things she won't be allowed ever to see her grandchildren. sometimes you gotta do the tough love thing.

Cheryl - posted on 09/28/2009

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SIT her down and tell her you appreciate her wanting to help out but, you feel smoothered. And Maybe she will see she is overbearing. And if it doesnt stop then get a bit firmer. and just tell her that you will contact her if you need anything.. keep all things in your relationship with husband and stuff you do at your house private and dont involve her some times mothers tend to invite themselfs. and you just have to set the rules down to her.

Lydia - posted on 09/28/2009

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I am a mil and make it a point not to interfere in the upbringing or any family issues of my son's family. If and only if I'm asked for my opinion I will give it, and I have made suggestions at times but it's up to them to take it or leave it. I don't think the fact that the mil is volunteering at the school is a problem but then again I don't know the motive behind it. On another note there are some people that never get it or don't get it until you remove them from the picture for a while...I call this the time out period. Maybe a bit of distance from your mil for a while will help her think about what her real goal is. Does she really want to be a part of your family and if so, what is she willing to do to make the relationship work?



Good Luck.

Jenna - posted on 09/28/2009

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Quoting Lisa:

im having mother in law issues any advice?

i have an over bearing mother in law who involves herself in EVERY aspect of my life. ex; are your bills paid?, did you feed your kids?, did you take out your garbage?. im sick of telling her she has over stepped her boundaries, i dont know how to handle her other then keeping her at a distance. Well i just found out that she is a once a week volunteer at my sons kindergarten, she supervises the half hour of recess time every tuesday. its happened 3 times and i just found out. what should i say or do? Nothing? tell her i dont like it? talk to the school? i need some advice.

Ps. my husband is also irritated by her but has given up on her ever changing



 



 



My EX MIL was the same way, she even went so far as to take me to court for Grandparents Rights because my son was sick and didnt know what was wrong with him(in and out of the hospital) so i told her to come to our house instead of me taking him over there.  Try sarcasm, if she says..did u feed the kids  be sarcastic say something like they need food, that wasnt in the book, or if she says did you pay your bills say   you have to pay for electric!  it will keep you from getting as upset and angry about it too.



As for the school, if she was just going to help and spend time with your son then that would be one thing, but bad mouthing is totaly unacceptable.  Tell the school that she has no legal right to your son and she is not allowed there with him.  If they fail to comply tell them you will take legal action as needed, they always hate that. 



I can gaurentee she will never change, but if you try the sarcasm she will eventually realize that shes not getting anywhere nor is she getting to you and she will prob back off a little.





 

Candy - posted on 09/28/2009

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Wow! Sharon was being facetious. Even I usderstood that. Lisa, I'm so sorry for you. I don't even think you can get a restraining order to work since the house and stable are so close. You would have to ask your local authorities. Speak up to the school. make sure they know where you stand. If she asks about bills or garbage or something that doesn't directly involve the children Ask her if she wants to do it for you. Sorry I'm not much help. I know that there is a reason I live 300 miles away from my MIL. Her own children know what she is like. Everytime we go for a visit I go with an open mind. By the end of the visit I regret going. She has brought me to tears more than once. I never say anything bad about her in front of my children.

Candy - posted on 09/28/2009

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Quoting Melanie:



Quoting Sharon:

All children should be exposed to stalking out of bounds psychopaths regularly. It keeps them well rounded. :p





 






 






***What kind of moldy crack are you on???






 As a mother who has VERY just right to be scared of stalkers against my children I know  you are rude and careless about your words.






 






 






As for this orriginal post, I had problems with my own mother for the beginning half of my relationship with my husband (we have been together for 11 years). After listening to her for years and speaking to my husband over and over and over about it, I finally sent her an email response to a whining  "woes me" email she sent to all our family. I told her EVERYTHING and to kiss my hind-end. 1 month later she called me up and was just as nice as could be.Our relationships (her/me, and her/my husband) are excellent. We are very involved in eachothers lives but not intrusive.






Basically: a very blatent "SCREW OFF!!" is sometimes just what the doctor ordered to make her realize her misguided ways. It comes with risk but if it works out like ours did then it is completely worth it.





 

Erin - posted on 09/28/2009

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Well you could always do a traditional beat down! :P j/k As far as the school issue..I would go to the school directly and tell them that you do not feel comfortable having her there during his free time. If the school is needing help that badly ask them to switch her time slot so that she is watching another class.

Cindy - posted on 09/27/2009

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I have to agree with Joann. (No Sharon, I am not going to see here in read every post!) I am one of those with out a MIL. I do know that it is not about you; it is about your child. The more people he has in his life to love and care for him, the better off he will be. There is a polite way to ask for your space. She probably does not even realize she is smothering you. I only wish I had someone to love my children enough to take time out of their lives to help in school. Maybe she was afraid of what you would say and that is why she didn't tell you. I would tell her it is nice that she is helping out, but next time it would be great for her to tell you. As long as she is there you will not have to worry about him being bullied or getting hurt.

Caroline - posted on 09/27/2009

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tell her that we are doing fine and we will let you know if we need advice. she wont like it but souds really bad to me. if your husband is sick of it, that will make it easier. make sure he helps. other wise she will think it is just you. thats what i would do.

Julie - posted on 09/27/2009

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If your husband hasn't said anything to her then he needs to, and the sooner the better. If that does not work try getting your father in law involved or her husband. I found that works. With school, if it is a problem, go to her first then go to the school. If you have to cut her out of your lifes or keep her at a distant, then first try having you and your husband, being united, sit her down and tell her all that bothers you and put down some ground rules, and let her know if she does not change or at least try then you will have to keep her at a distance. This only works if you and your husband are united and stay united. I hope this helps and good luck.

Cecilia - posted on 09/27/2009

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Quoting Sharon:



Quoting Lisa:



Holy psychopaths batman. 



1.  taking your mail is a federal offense.  Shared box or not - i don't think she has the right to read your mail.


 






2.  taking your kids without your permission is called kidnapping and um there is no fucking way in hell I wouldn't have called the cops.






 



 



As a Postal Emplyee I can say that YES it is a federal offense to mess with someone elses mail.  Even a husband may not open a wife's (or vise versa) mail without permission if their name is not On it.  (not that many spouses would say anything.. but... it stil is the case)



 



You need to report this to the postmaster of the town, and call the postal police of your area.





 

Janette - posted on 09/27/2009

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Hi Lisa. I am Janette, married now 17 years and had to deal with this same issue...(I have 4 children)...I am saying this out of experience. I would invite her to coffee, or tea, OUT..like at starbucks or something maybe take her to lunch, be direct but loving, and let her know that she is making you feel uncomfortable. Make sure you let her know that she is wanted..but that she needs to repect that these are YOUR children, not hers. This is YOUR opportunity to build YOUR home...and let her know, reaffirm that she will be included but at you and your husbands invitation. Most likely she will be upset..hence the OUT part of the meeting...don't let it get to you, the truth hurts. And you know the outcome...one, she accepts it, and things will be okay or two she doesn't either way you have the control as it's your family, your rules. The school thing IS over stepping too, unless she has Always done this. There are a couple ways of looking at that...depending on you...you can be happy that in this day and age your kids have someone who loves them watching over them at school...(who's got THEIR interest at heart), or feel intruded upon....unless she really is the type that would do something crazy...like take the kids., I think your lucky to have someone there for them, that they can trust...but I Would put guidelines in place there too...notify the school that although G'ma works there it is still Your call, and they are not allowed to leave with anyone but you and your husband unless you direct it personally....that is legal. After all of this time things here finally settled down, I found out that the constant "interfering" was actually her grasp at trying to "keep the family together" ...she had done it for so long that she didn't realize that she had just continued....she has never said it, but I think too there was a fear of "losing" her son...there is no other scary thought than the one that your kids don't want to be around you...or after they leave home...they don't come back, you know? I am praying for you and your family...may the future bring you memories that bind you in Love....God Bless.

Victoria - posted on 09/27/2009

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Lisa just pray and ask God for direction. He's the only One who can give you an answer to all your problems. You really don't want to get anyone upset. That's normal for any parent. Some just know how far they should go. In-laws want to be involved as if it's their child. I know you may feel as if you're helpless and not really playing your role as wife and mother. I'm not married, but I could only imagine how you feel. It may be annoying to some to have this dependency, but count it all joy Lisa. She just wants to be there for you guys, just let her know that you feel uncomfortable with all that she does. Tell her that she should take life eas. I think that you, your husband and your mom in law need to get together... sit down and have a conversation where you can all come to agreement. No kids around though! Allow her to help out. Have you tried to stop her by telling her how you feel? Getting annoyed won't get the word out. You'll just be miserable for the rest of your life and it's just stress on you and it can harm your family. This is my opinion.Maybe someone else might give you other options.

Victoria - posted on 09/27/2009

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Lisa just pray and ask God for direction. He's the only One who can give you an answer to all your problems. You really don't want to get anyone upset. That's normal for any parent. Some just know how far they should go. In-laws want to be involved as if it's their child. I know you may feel as if you're helpless and not really playing your role as wife and mother. I'm not married, but I could only imagine how you feel. It may be annoying to some to have this dependency, but count it all joy Lisa. She just wants to be there for you guys, just let her know that you feel uncomfortable with all that she does. Tell her that she should take life eas. I think that you, your husband and your mom in law need to get together... sit down and have a conversation where you can all come to agreement. No kids around though! Allow her to help out. Have you tried to stop her by telling her how you feel? Getting annoyed won't get the word out. You'll just be miserable for the rest of your life and it's just stress on you and it can harm your family. This is my opinion.Maybe someone else might give you other options.

Victoria - posted on 09/27/2009

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Lisa just pray and ask God for direction. He's the only One who can give you an answer to all your problems. You really don't want to get anyone upset. That's normal for any parent. Some just know how far they should go. In-laws want to be involved as if it's their child. I know you may feel as if you're helpless and not really playing your role as wife and mother. I'm not married, but I could only imagine how you feel. It may be annoying to some to have this dependency, but count it all joy Lisa. She just wants to be there for you guys, just let her know that you feel uncomfortable with all that she does. Tell her that she should take life eas. I think that you, your husband and your mom in law need to get together... sit down and have a conversation where you can all come to agreement. No kids around though! Allow her to help out. Have you tried to stop her by telling her how you feel? Getting annoyed won't get the word out. You'll just be miserable for the rest of your life and it's just stress on you and it can harm your family. This is my opinion.Maybe someone else might give you other options.

User - posted on 09/27/2009

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Well, hmmm, I thought I was the only person with MIL problems, lol. My MIL has rude behaviors when coming to my home. She persists in overtalking my husband's and my responses to her conversation. When you finally can get a word in edge-wise (she talks loudly), she says, "Whaaa...", (like, "what did you say?") It's very aggravating...she loves to be the center of attention, period. In having a blended family marriage, we do not have any small children here at home, so I do not worry about kids not seeing their grandmother. The grandkids that we do have do not want to take part in their great-grandmother's life, because of her selfish motives in communicating.



In coming to my ends with her when she visited our home (sometimes 2 and 3 times a week), I told my husband enough is enough, she cannot come back. It has been a year now since I put my foot down, and I feel more at peace without her here. We did take her out for Mother's Day and had a wonderful time, as the pressure was off. I could say to her whatever I wanted to (nice things of course) without fearing her behavior would surface, as we were in a public place. I've come to the conclusion that there just has to be a respect for people's boundaries. In my situation the rediculousness of my MIL's behavior had to be stopped, and my marriage is the better for it. (My husband can go visit his mother anytime of the day or night, but he prefers not to, because she aggravates him too!)

Laura - posted on 09/27/2009

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Just for a giggle, did you know that 'mother in law' is an anagram of 'woman hitler'!!!!! never was such a true word spoken!

Patricia - posted on 09/27/2009

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My MIL said on my wedding day that she was not the type to interfere..............



Well 6 months on i found out she was the type that interfered. She was horrible to me and I tried eveything to make her like me. After about ten years I just gave up. I never bad mouthed her in front of my children. but you know she made big mistakes with them - trying to say bad things about me to them. Luckily my children know that i love them very much and always put them first and were appaulled by her behavior. She even tried to take my eldest daughter away from me!!!!



We did not speak for ten years then she got altsiemers disease(not spelled correctly - sorry) and forgot that she did not like me - bizarre



If I've learnt anything from this it is this: Dont say bad things about MIL infront of your children - they need the grand parent relationship



and they will make there own desicions on what they learn. Luckily for me all my children realised what a strange person their Grandma was, and I actually feel very sorry for her now.

Rachel - posted on 09/27/2009

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Have you talked to the school about this? I think the school's counselor should know about this and about your concerns, especially that fact that gramma has said bad things about you and your husband to your son. Between you, your husband and the school counselor, it could be possible to have an "intervention". It helps to have someone on the "outside" to mediate and maybe this time she will listen. Where is the Father-in-law? What is his opinion on this? Is he involvoed at all? I think it's good that the mother-in-law has time to volunteer for things. Offer her ideas about volunteering at the boys and gilr's club or joining a big brothers/big sister's program. She can also volunteer at the local nursing home visiting those who are lonely because their families don't come often. There are numerous ways that she could utilize her spare time appropriatley to help others who really are in need of guidance and help.

Michelle - posted on 09/27/2009

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I would sit down with the MIL and tell her that this is your child and every aspect of your childs life must be approved by you. She had her opportunity when she raised her own children. She needs to back off. I have a meddling MIL as well who is always putting her two sense in. She doesn't ask me for permission on anything; instead she asks my husband who is her only child (she has a step son who is my husbands half brother). She watches my daughter during the day and even though I call throughout the day to see how my daughter is doing and too talk to her she will never tell me if I left anything out of the diaper bag. She always tells my husband. I have asked him numerous times why doesn't she mention any of this when she talks to me. I keep telling him that he needs to cut the cord. She calls everyday and when my husband isn't at work he watches Hailey and she calls saying how much she misses my daughter. My MIL lives forty-five minutes from me and she has given brochures to my husband for preschool. I told my husband that my daughter will be going to school near us and not his MIL. I have told my husband that any decisions regarding our child is between us and not him and his mother. My latest battle is baptising my daughter. My husband and I have been looking for a church near us and haven't found one we like yet. Once we find the right church we will have our daughter (one year old) baptised. My MIL has told my husband that we need to take my daughter to her church (baptist) to have her baptist. I have told my husband that god loves all children and that if something should happen to our daughter, god will not treat her any differently then those children who have been baptised. Sorry for venting here.

Ellen - posted on 09/27/2009

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It seems unusual for a school to allow a grandmother into the classroom without parental permission. I would talk to the teacher and principal to let them know that this is intensifying an already problematic dynamic at home. It is possible they will do nothing, but it is worth them knowing that this is adding to the stress.

Karen - posted on 09/26/2009

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ah u poor thing i used to live withmy mum inlaw when the baby was born an i moved out for that reason!!! ask her how she would have felt if her mother in law did it? though she will probably say she was happy for the advice which is bull.......get tough!!! dont let her interfere in your relationship with YOUR kids!!

[deleted account]

Your husband needs to let her now that she doesn't control your home. You may have to go overboard & tell her her place. Be sure your husband understand before you do so. If your not comfortable with her being at the school you should let them know & they will need to stop letting her come. You don't have to respond to her. I only interacted with my mother in law for my husband's sake. He did understand where I was coming from so I just stayed away. I allowed him to answer the phone when ever she called if he was home.

[deleted account]

Politely let her know that you are their mother, and that you will take care of their needs. Thank her for all her 'extra help', and if that doesn't work, your husband will have to step in. She is his mother, and if he can't let her know when its time to butt out, then you have a big problem.

Natanya - posted on 09/26/2009

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I don't agree with the people who say not to worry about it - think of it as a continuum with too overbearing on one end and too disengaged at the other - the middle is the place to be! You have a right to your privacy and you have a right to be supported, not undermined, by your family.

Natanya - posted on 09/26/2009

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I would think it's your husbands job to manage his mother - not yours. He needs to step up and draw some clear boundaries with your mother. And warn her of the consequences of not changing her behaviour (you and he need to agree on those consequences). On the other hand, when she asks if you've paid your bills, you could say "no, I thought I'd leave it for you, as I know you're really worried about it" and similar for other inappropriate and grossly invasive questions.

Is it doing your son any harm that she's there at the kindergarten? Is she undermining you in that time? Good luck, it sounds awful!

Michelle - posted on 09/26/2009

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Well said!! I couldnt agree more. These days people are so fast to do the finger pointing. Like I said in my response it could always be worse and at least she gives a damn. Some MIL's dont care about anything. She could completely turn her back and not want anything do with them or want to help out with anything. The time will come when she needs help with something and she will be wishing she hadn't complained so much. I would have loved to have a family member at my school. Im sure they would have kept me in check. Glad I was raised old fashioned. My family might get after for me for getting after my kids but ya know its just what grandmas do!! You know the saying "Grand Kids are Gods reward for not killing your kids."

Michelle - posted on 09/26/2009

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Quoting Dolores:

Mother-in-laws get the name, but a lot of daughter-in-laws play the game. She raised your husband and how did he turn out. It must of been good, because YOU fell in love with him. She probably goes to school once a week so she could have some time ALONE with your son, because you must keep him away from her. You don't have an over bearing mother-in-law, Your an over bearing daughter-in-law. My daughter-in-law was just like you. I told her she had a lot of growing up to do. Well she finally grew up and told me how sorry she was for acting the way she did. Think about it Your going to be a mother-in-law some day. Would YOU want a daughter-in-law like you ? Have some respect for her, and maybe she'll have some respect for you. She didn't over step her boundaries, You over stepped yours.
I know this wasn't what you wanted to hear, But somebody has to say it the way it is. I hope you wise up for your own. Make piece and live happy. Life is short


 

Michelle - posted on 09/26/2009

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There's up and downs with every family. Just remember it could be worse. I live on a ranch with my ENTIRE family I live next door to my mom and on the other side is my sister and across the road is my aunt. I'm 22 and married with 3 kids. I still have to ask permission to go outa town. Or when we are having family dinners if I get after my kids for not eating or talking back I (THE MOTHER) get yelled at. They say oh leave them alone you acted the same way and Im like yea well Im sure you got after me too huh. Well my husband and I always fight because we are constantly with MY family and never get to see his. But we have no choice economy is down we are broke but the house we live in is free. Now my MIL isnt like yours however we do have our disagreements. Think of it is this way, what if she was completely opposite? What if she wanted nothing to do them? What if she didnt care at all? The most you can do is just talk to her calmly and just say hey back off they are our kids Im sure we can manage if I need you help or advise Ill ask you. I really dont agree with her saying bad things about you guys to your kids thats just plain irresposible unprofessional and down right wrong so I think some force is needed in that department. If you dont agree with her being at the school see if you can switch schools. Just remember, in every situation it could always be worse.

Melissa - posted on 09/26/2009

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Quoting Tina:

Heck my daughter in law don't want me to say or do anything.. just basically stay out of my son's life.. I don't think I try to be overbearing at all. I can't imagion telling them or asking what they are doing with the bills.. ect. I think volunteering at the school is great. I don't see anything wrong with her doing that. (Picture when your children grow up and you have to deal with their spouse) how are you going to react.. ??
There is nothing wrong with (your husband and you) having boundaries. But, remember
to consider (family) and what you will live with for your children. I don't like the idea that mother in laws are awful.. just because they want to stay connected to their sonsor daughters. They shouldn't be running your household.. and that is up to you to correct.
Talk it out.. but I think, there is a difference between boundaries and totally being unfeeling toward her. My current situation is horrible because I can't see my grand children now. I tried to see them by the ex but got told I was in the wrong for doing that.. but my son don't want me around (his better and new life with his current wife)
I am ready to accept the fact that my daughter in law has to be the center of attention.
Its all about her feelings, her time, her pain, her life... too bad for her.
My son and I used to be close .. not any longer.



As a DIL with a MIL who "used"  to be close with her son, please don't put all that on the DIL.  There are only 2 people responsible for a relationship.  And that's the 2 people in it.  The others may be factors, but they can't be held responsible.

Erica - posted on 09/26/2009

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After posting, I read all the other posts. Wow! there is a lot of anger in some of the others. It is really up to you, but I seriously dont think that not allowing her the right to see your son is a good choice unless she is completely ignoring you and your requests. If she is bad mouthing and continuously going over board, then I think that you need to get a professionals help. I read so many that I lost track of some comments, but I feel that you are the wife and mother and you are responsible for your childs well being. That is actually a law. I am sure that no one knows what is going on better than you and you and your husband need to discuss what is best for the two of you. It sounds harsh, but what is harsh is letting things get to you so badly that it wears on you and your relationship with your husband and son. It is all about the three of you and no one else. Keep that in mind, nothing else really matters but your (the three of you) feelings. I wish the best of luck to you and your family.

[deleted account]

To: Marianne L



Well that's one way to put it. (lol)



And although I probably wouldn't have used those same words ;) I do ditto your point.

Erica - posted on 09/26/2009

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this is for Cindy M... wow, sounds like maybe you should be the one to calm down! such anger...jeez. it was just a ply for advice, not a trial. wow...

Marianne - posted on 09/26/2009

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Your husband needs to grow some balls. It is his place to talk to his mother. He needs to set the boundaries and stick to them. Sorry to hear your issues. I lost my mother inlaw a few years ago and am still a mess about it. I guess not all mother inlaws are like mine though. Good luck. :(

Erica - posted on 09/26/2009

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I dont know any of you, but I can relate. You should have a sit down with her and explain that what she is doing is not right. If she cannot back off, then you will take extreme messures. Let her know nicely that she is over stepping her boundaries and that you will speak with someone if there are no changes. Also, talk with the school and let them know that she is invading space and would like for her to not be involved with your child while at school. That causes problems with other students and can affect all people involved, including the other kids. If none of these things work, then maybe you should try to talk with a lawyer about it. Hopefully it doesnt have to go that far, but some people just dont know when to stop.

Maybe you could do a reverse phsychology on her and ask her to just take over the raising of all your family, pay your bills, and clean your home etc. Maybe she will take that and back off. Its worth a try. Next time she asks you if the bills were paid, be a smart alec and say "No, not this month. I decided to leave them for you to pay. I want to go splurge on myself." and the feeding the kids, "naw, they ate yesturday. why should they eat again today?" just have a smart remark for everything and she soon will bget irritated with you and stop asking. It works for me all the time!



good luck! I know we arent friends, but let me know how it works for you...Im kinda curious.

[deleted account]

You and your husband have to be a team to set some ground rules and boundaries for your MIL. There also needs to be concequences that you both have to follow through with if she makes bad choices. Figure these out together and follow through with them.Don't make it more complicated then it needs to be. I think you should tell the school she is not welcome there until futher notice from you. Once she shows she is trust worthy she can return. Remember you are the mother, you are in control of your children. She is the grandparent not the parent. Which in many ways can be better because they get all the rewards without the work. The work belongs to you and your husband and she needs to respect that. Do you think she would have put up with her MIL or anyone else doing this to her and even if she had would it have been right. The most important thing to remember is that your children need to see their parents as two people in control of their eduacation, safety, welfare etc. Be careful of people disrespecting you in front of your children because they can think it's alright for them to do so as well. Remember, YOU are in control.

Lorinda - posted on 09/26/2009

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Quoting Kirsten:

Kill her with Kindness. Try to find as many ways as possible that find acceptable that she can be involved in your kids' lives and encourage her to do that. When you know she is coming over than take some time to make her a cup of coffee or a cup of tea and sit down with her for a few minutes to give her an update on you and your husband and kids. When she butts into things that are not her business than just say, "Yes, I have done that and I appreciate your reminder."

I think this is the best way to deal with it because she is either being this way because she really cares and feels like she is being left out or she doesn't have respect for you. If she doesn't feel included than you will help her to feel included by doing this and if she doesn't respect you than nothing you say to her will change that but if you show her in your actions that you can be kind and generous to her than maybe that will change.

As for the school issue I think that is one thing that you should sit down with her and your husband to discuss. Let her know that it upset you that she did this without talking to you first and try to think of a compromise that you can live with (i.e. she only comes to help once a month or she can help in the classroom when the more structured activities will prevent her from talking trash about you to your son.) If she won't agree to any of your compromises on that issue then I think it would be appropriate to get the school involved.



I like this one! Makes MIL feel like taking it down a notch if you have things under control. She only wants to help but she doesn't know how much, this will let her know in a factual way, not a hostile way.



On the school issue, I don't think it hurts a thing. MIL likes to be with the kids because you won't let her. School is neutral ground. Or if If you let her take your son on a weekend or holiday, she won't be so concerned with your life and will probably lose interest in the school. All she wants is to be a grandma. It's the greatest reward of life itself. Give her that and the rest will be unimportant.

Lorinda - posted on 09/26/2009

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Quoting Sharon:

I told my kids school my MIL was dead. I did. I wrote it on EVERY form and since her other daughter in law worked as a kindergarten teacher there I KNOW it got back to her.

Don't answer her.

When she repeats the question - ignore her.

When she asks "did you hear me?" "yes I heard you but it was such a moronic question it didn't deserve an answer."


This made me cry! How can anyone be so cruel? Just wait-what goes around will come around.

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