I'm having problems with my family... who is right?

Shannon - posted on 08/03/2010 ( 12 moms have responded )




From the time I was 13 til I moved out at age 17 I was verbally and physically abused by my father (Not my biological father, my mom married him when I was 8 and he adopted my twin sister and me) The abuse wasn't severe, but abuse is abuse no matter what.

Well I forgave him when I was 20 and we had a decent relationship, I got married and had a son by the time I was 21. We were pretty close. My twin sister had a baby a year before me, wasn't married, ended up leaving the dead beat father and moved back home to mom and dad. well she screwed up and started partying and leaving my parents to keep her daughter most of the time. She was kicked out and it took a few months but she straightened up and is doing great now, she still has a ways to go but she's trying as hard as she can to get there! Well my parents can't seem to see that, all they do is bring up the past and treat her like she hasn't done anything... well last month my "dad" ended up beating her, worse than what he had done to me in the past. He threw her into the garage from the kitchen (down 3 steps) and kept picking her up and throwing her across the garage, she could have been killed or broken something! My sister didn't call the cops because she was afraid my mom and brother would end up homeless because my dad would have lost his job.

In the past my mom never did anything about it, this time she didn't either. She pretends like nothing has happened...

Well, I haven't talked to her since it happened, she hasn't tried to call me, I haven't tried to call her. I sent her a letter letting her know that I love her, but I'm disappointed that she was never there for me or my sister, also that she could come see her grand kids as much as she wanted as long as my dad doesn't come near us! Well I have yet to get a response from her and it's been a week. But I've gotten a response from a friend of theirs saying I ought to be ashamed of my self and God forgive me for what I've done... I don't understand.... my mom must have let her read the letter but this woman has NO IDEA what has happened! So should I still try to talk to my mom, or just let it be up to her and move on if she doesn't want a relationship?


User - posted on 08/04/2010




Shannon, What a shame that your mom doesn't see the damage this man has done to you and your sister starting when you were just children. Under no circumstances should you EVER let this man near your children until he agrees to undergo some serious anger management counseling. If your mom chooses to take his side, then so be it. She also should be in counseling for emotional and psychologically batter women. (you and your sister too, it never hurts to help you understand the dynamic that is at work here ). Sometimes, even family is toxic and we have to be willing to choose our mental and physical health over them. Be strong. Help your sister and her child if you can. But remember to take care of you and your child first. Hope this helps...Cheyenne in Florida

[deleted account]

You should be proud of yourself for distancing yourself from the abuse. Unless and until that man receives counselling and actually changes, you obviously cannot allow you and your children around him.

Whether or not you should stay in contact with your Mom by phone is another question. I suspect she is/has been abused by him also, and I understand that it is often very difficult to leave an abusive spouse for so many reasons. She may not even be allowed to visit you without him, without repercussions.

Is your sister still living, along with her child, in the home with your abusive step-dad? If so, I think that you do have a duty to report the abuse - at least to child-services. An abuser rarely targets only one person, and you would hate to see the little one get hurt. If that means that everyone has to figure out life on their own because he goes to jail- they may wind up better off for it. There are always abuse shelters to help people get up and going again.

Best of luck, stay strong, and seek whatever healing you need also - you are a survivor and an inspiration to many - hopefully to your Mom, brother and sister too :)

Lesley - posted on 08/04/2010




I agree with everyone else and thats to move on.
You have a family that needs you and thats where your focus should be, you have tried and its not your fault so please dont feel guilty. Maybe your mother in time may tell you why and answer your questions and all you can do is wait. Have a good life with your family, wish ing all the best.

Kristin - posted on 08/04/2010




Keep your child close to you and away from them. try to help your sister by giving her the support she needs (if you can). But you have made the best decision for your family and standing by it will be the most difficult thing but by the grace of GOD you saved your family.

[deleted account]

I agree with Eronne about starting your family in your own generation, that's what I'm doing too and as much as it's a real shame, I truly do feel happier. Good luck and hugs to you.


View replies by

Jessica - posted on 06/26/2011




You COULD be really mean and send the lady an email or letter detailing what happened, BUT in my experience that is in fact something that could end SO badly. They would merely take it out on your sister. Sounds like she is the family scape goat/target. Just do what you think is best. This is one of those times. Otherwise, although I know it is hard ( I am living proof it can be done), just move on. Support your sister and encourage her to do the same. Get away from all that.

Hailey - posted on 08/03/2010




Oh god, let it go.
She watched you get abused, shes just as bad, let the wholeeee thing go.
As for your sister..
She should get her act together, she needs to remember that not only is she at risk, but so is her child who is living with that man as well.
All of you need to get away from them..

Pip - posted on 08/03/2010




Move on and leave them to themselves. You sound like you are strong enough and sensible enough to live your own life and be a support to your sister, maybe that's what's best. Hopefully when your Mother sees that you aren't playing anymore she'll be strong enough to help herself too, cause it sounds like she needs to be real/true to her daughters. Best of Luck

Eronne - posted on 08/03/2010




You better take a good look at who you consider friends. Any man who beats a woman belongs in jail and that's where this 'father' of yours belongs. And as to your mother, if it's okay for her to stand by and watch her husband abuse her children I sure wouldn't let her see my kids. Both of them are lacking in pretty basic decency. Find new friends, find some nice older woman who wants to be in your life for advice and counsel and get away from these evil people. Sounds like your sister got her act together and you have your children. Start your family at your generation and build down with a kinder, gentler group.

[deleted account]

I agree- although not under the same circumstances I'm estranged form my mother and she often sends me dreadful emails ans shows other people my responses but not her email. As a result most of my family except on Aunt and my sister are not talking to me. My take on it is they do know me and know that I dont react this way for nothing but they choose to take her word without even checking my side of things- therefore it's their loss.

Iridescent - posted on 08/03/2010




Let it go. You handled everything very maturely, beautifully, and there can only be admiration for that. Don't let other people rag on you emotionally for your decision; in any story there are two sides, as everyone knows, and the woman that was shaming you didn't bother finding out the truth. You do know the truth and have no need to defend your actions. You are a responsible adult. Believe in yourself. Don't make excuses or try to explain to others. Just let it go and stick to your letter.

Join Circle of Moms

Sign up for Circle of Moms and be a part of this community! Membership is just one click away.

Join Circle of Moms