I'm keeping the father of my child away from his son.

[deleted account] ( 21 moms have responded )

Hello everyone I really would like your opinions on my situation please be nice and considerate to my feelings because this situation is very emotional for me. I've been with the father of my child for two years we have a one year old son together I can honestly say that the father of my child is not consistent in his life at all. My son was in the hospital and his dad wouldn't come he told me that he was busy with his friends not only that but It was several times that I called him concerning his son and he would not answer his phone also there was times when he would see his son and tell him Im coming back in a hour and never show. Every holiday would be spent alone with me and just my son I'm a full time mom I take care of my son and I never depended on him for anything because I know deep down he'll never be there or provide for his son even though he have money. He prefers to spend his money on females, marijuana, Xanax, designer clothes, cars also keep in mine he's in his early 20's. My son birthday he didn't buy him anything the only time he will come around is when he feel like it and he never gives me any money for our son he will literally spend 15 minutes with him and take pictures to upload on social websites to pretend he's a good dad but really not. I'm in my early 20's also I have no mother and my father isn't around I'm very overprotective with my son because I know the abuse,mistreated,abandoned I felt at a very young age I'm doing the best I can and people tell me all the time I'm a good single mom. I stopped letting him see his son because every time he said he want to see his son I let him in the house and he's more focused on me instead of his son he also beat me up because he was off drugs I made a police report and now I'm putting him on child support I'm considering visitation so that he can see his dad but I'm fearful of my son going anywhere with him especially because gangs is after his father and I don't feel comfortable with my son being around him and the girl he cheated on me with always says rude things about my son so I don't trust him at all cause he don't respect me or his child I'm just trying to protect my son because I love him with everything in me.

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♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 11/17/2015

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It would be nice if naive, young women would quit advocating illegal actions...

Bottom line, folks, ALWAYS go to court, ALWAYS ABIDE by the court decision.

Jodi - posted on 11/17/2015

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"if he's already beaten you up I would run as far away as fast as possible..you have no close family where you are right? Then move! "

Please do NOT take this advice unless the court approves you taking the child with you - if you run and remove the child from him you could be accused of parental alienation and lose custody - it happens ALL the time. Instead, you make sure you get a lawyer, file ASAP, make sure each time he sees the child he is supervised (for your sake as well as the child's), be SEEN to be trying to be cooperative.

"you have to think of your safety first cause what would your son do without you?"

This is not the way the courts will view it if you take off somewhere. If he has not harmed your child, and you have no evidence that he is a danger to your child, then the courts will still grant him visitation of some sort, and you don't have the right to take that away. If YOU feel threatened, you can have third party hand overs and supervised visitation, but you can't just prevent him seeing his child.

Stephanie, basically what you are advising this woman is illegal and may end up with her losing custody altogether. What she SHOULD do is seek actual legal advice before she does anything or she may lose custody or find herself in a world of trouble.

Raye - posted on 11/16/2015

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Jenifer, It was very adult and considerate of you to allow the father to come back into the child's life. All parents should give their kids the opportunity to know the other parent. However, your first post did sound like you were saying to just keep the child away without any legal protections in place. Simple misunderstanding.

Jenifer - posted on 11/16/2015

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What I was trying to say, in a later post, was that I legally have the right to keep him out of our son's life. I have full legal/physical custody of him, and I went thru the court to get it.
I allowed, and encouraged him father to call outside his appointed 4-5 window, court ordered, and allowed him to have a very long unsupervised visit with our son, outside a center.
I did it legally, but protected my son every step of the way. That's what she needs to do. Advocate for her child.
I'm related to three lawyers and a judge. Illegal in my family? Just NOT allowed!!! Lol

Jodi - posted on 11/16/2015

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And Jennifer, a therapist agreeing with what you did and a judge endorsing it are two different things. Please don't advise women to just protect their child and not let them see their fathers if they fear it is the wrong choice. Why? Because there is a legal system they should follow, and while it may not have happened to you when you kept your child from its father, people lose custody every day because they do this without the endorsement of the courts. It is called parental alienation, and it is highly frowned upon by the courts.

21 Comments

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Stephanie - posted on 11/17/2015

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This is to Jennifer you did what you needed to do..I support any woman who takes a stand for her safety and her child's well being..this is supposed to be a forum where women support and offer advice to one another..if someone doesn't like what advice u have to offer don't respond..your just offering your opinion and one one has the right to pick you apart..all that does is take away from the person who is asking for advice in the first place cause if everyone had the same advice it wouldn't be much help...give your advice to the person asking the question and don't look back or defend yourself especially if you've lived the same sort of situation 😊

Stephanie - posted on 11/17/2015

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Do what you think you need to do to feel safe and for your son to feel safe...make sure he pays support, get supervision for his visits and make sure he cant physically harm you..if he's already beaten you up I would run as far away as fast as possible..you have no close family where you are right? Then move! This guy sounds unstable and you see bad things happen to young women from their exs all the time..start over darlin somewhere new and find peace and love in your life..you can't keep looking over your shoulder thinking he will just go away cause if he's this bad it will only get worse..you have to think of your safety first cause what would your son do without you? What a nightmare it would be for him to be raised by his father...that would and should be motivation enough for you to go somewhere far enough that after awhile he won't bother trying to see his son cause it will be too much trouble, may sound selfish to some people for me to advise you to do this but physical violence never gets better especially when there's drugs involved...and sorry to anyone else out there but I think your in danger..talk to a women's shelter they will give you options and if you decide to move they will help you plan and get to where you will be safe..hope you and your son find happiness and safety

Dove - posted on 11/16/2015

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lol Jennifer... sounds to me like you are the one lashing out.

You went to court to get the decisions made (which you did not mention originally)... yet if I think a parent should go to court I'm lashing out at you? lol

Sounds like you have a rough current situation which is clouding your ability to see my post for what it really was.... Been there, done that.

Raye - posted on 11/16/2015

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Jenifer, it does sound like you have a lot that you have dealt with and are still dealing with. It's sad when parents make things more difficult for the other parent, and it hurts the child(ren), too. Good luck.

Jenifer - posted on 11/16/2015

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I just reread it. And I agree with u. All of us want our children to be safe, and protected. What WE see from dad, is vastly different from when we were happy together compared to "now". A judge is objective, but only if you have everything laid out, so he can see the reasoning. I'm going thru a battle with my 6yo dad, and I'm on the other side. "Neglect" is his reasoning, having surgery the day prior, and him not answering a text to take 6yo is his.
I'm fighting for my son, in the guys role. I've been mom 6 yrs....
I'm sorry. I'm going to step out of this conversation. It's too close to home for me.

Raye - posted on 11/16/2015

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Jenifer, I don't think anyone was lashing out at you. There are many different personalities on here and some may be different from yours.

There is also what one may consider morally right and what is actually legally right. Many of us try to instruct others to do what's legally right. If the judge also sees your point of view as morally right, then they will rule in your favor and make it legal. But sometimes the mother is too hurt/upset that they aren't objective about the child's rights or the father's rights, and can do something that may SEEM the right thing to do and end up legally losing their children in the process. If something done illegally has worked for you, then it's great that it worked out and you didn't get hauled into court on charges. But it may not be the best advice to provide to someone else who's circumstances may appear similar but could have a very different outcome.

Sarah - posted on 11/16/2015

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Jenifer, when a mom doesn't like the responses she gets to her post, sometimes she just deletes her account and poof! Gone!

Jenifer - posted on 11/16/2015

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What happened? Deleted account? Whose? I'm so new here, and never have responded til this post cause it's practically my story when my ex n I split up. I HAD to go to court.

Jenifer - posted on 11/16/2015

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And, lastly, I have full custody. He doesn't even have visits anymore. I'm the one that welcomed him into my house, gave him a number to reach his son, directly, and encourage him to TALK to his dad. My son met him, his wife, and everyone else, and.... Is done now.
Don't lash out at me when you know nothing.

Jenifer - posted on 11/16/2015

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My son and father are now able to be in each other's lives, and dad is not upset, not is my son, about what I did.
By the way, dove? My son's therapist fully supported what I did. When my son asked to have him in his life, he got him.
Don't judge til u are part of my life. Your decision is YOUR OWN. I'm offering ONE suggestion. Rather than lash out, why don't you offer your own?

Dove - posted on 11/16/2015

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Yep... go to court and get custody, visitation, and child support all legalized. YOU (any mother... especially the last two that commented here) do not have the right to keep your child away from their parent. What would you be on here saying if the father was keeping the child away from you? You'd be fighting like crazy to see YOUR kid, wouldn't you?

Sure it sucks when a woman chooses to procreate w/ a dead beat loser (or when a seemingly decent man ends up BEING a dead beat loser), but it's the kids that suffer either way... and EVERY child deserves to know both their parents and have whatever relationship is possible.. It's up to the consistent parent to help their child through the pain... not try to prevent it... because pain in these situations is inevitable. Better for a child to know the truth and learn to handle it.

Jenifer - posted on 11/16/2015

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Ok, as a mom of an 11yo, with a dad very similar, I understand. I made the same decision after my ex moved out of state, and never called, or visited.
But, the last few years my son has asked more and more questions about his biological dad. His step dad? And dad of his half brother is gone, and he's lashing out, begging for male attention.
One, file for child support! Let THE STATE deal with getting the money. Secondly, your heart is in the right place, I could go two ways here...1.let your son see him, and let him see what kind of man his dad is. Or 2. Keep protecting him from his dad, until the day he gets mad for u never letting him know him.
It's a hard decision. Do what u need to do now. But I would give him a picture of his dad. If he asks questions, I'm always honest. Either way, he IS going to want to know his dad one day. And if keep him 100% in the dark, it could come back to haunt you.

Thatgirlbreezy - posted on 11/13/2015

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I agree with your decision. He has too much negativity going on in his life. If he wants to see him it should be when the both of you are present. And I'm sure a judge would agree with that too.

MaryAnn - posted on 11/13/2015

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You NEED to go to court. If youre concerned about his safety, visitation should be supervised. You arent qualified to take away the fathers rights. This isnt about you, or your feelings. Put those in a box and deal with them AWAY from your son. If these issues are real, there are ways to prove it, and the court will respond to the evidence accordingly.

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