I'm loosing my child

Mitzi - posted on 05/23/2014 ( 2 moms have responded )

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my daughter has turned 18 and now says she's legal to do what she wants without me knowing anything. She wants to live with me still so I'll give her money, food and buy cloths for her but she will not be around me more than a day or two because I "stress" her out. she won't get a job. She stays with friends, she doesn't call or text, well if she needs money, tells me she hates me, I've never done anything she's proud of yet I still hang in there hoping to get through somehow that I'm not the villain. I;ve told her to get out, get her own place and a job but she says "no" that I'm responsible to her. I don't know how much more of this I can go. I never know if she's ok, coming home, we have had pets before and she's hurt them when she's mad at me and we have 2 cats she screams at, cusses them...awful to them...she's also mad because my parents passed away and she said they were better to her than I could ever be...she's the only granddaughter so they spoiled her really bad and I had to work nights to make ends meet so I didn't get to spend all that time with them either. I know teens say things for the wow factor and hurt but this is effecting my job now too and my bank account.
Please anyone help me, I love her with all my heart and yet I feel like if I was on fire she would pour gasoline on me instead of water...she hates me she says and she has stopped loving me some time back because she doesn't care about me.
yes these words hurt and I hear them over and over in my head. I'm a single parent do I kick her out, change the locks? I want her to see a professional therapist but I'm not having any cooperation on that from her, she says she's 18 and I can't make her, but you live under my roof?!
HELP!!!!

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Julie - posted on 05/23/2014

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Hey Mitzi, First of all, you are not "loosing your child" she is simply trying to find her independence, the problem is she still wants to depend on you.
She needs clear boundaries: that is where the LAW comes in. Now that she is 18 you are NOT responsible for her. You do not have to do ANYTHING for her any more. You can even legally evict her. I am sure that is not what you wish for so here is an idea. She will need to either move out, or pay you rent. Decide on a dollar amount that is reasonable (say half of what she would pay in the "real world") Take the rent money every 1st of the month and transfer it into a savings account. When she has a "plan for her future" job, school, ect. the money will be given back to assist her new chapter. If she does not pay rent, she will be evicted. This can be a written contract, signed together and even notarized if you fear it may come to a bitter end. Remind her this is how it will be "in the real world" as well. Our job as parents is to prepare them for this exact time in there life! There is no "magic method" However, it sounds like she has been grooming you for her future. It should be the other way around. It is not to late. Stay strong and remember, "you are not mean, you are a mother."

Jodi - posted on 05/23/2014

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Stop supporting her attitude. By giving her money. food and clothes, you are enabling her decision not to get a job.

It sounds to me like the two of you need to sit down and have a discussion about the expectations while living under your roof. It's time for her to make a decision - either step up and be an adult in your home, which includes helping out with the costs, paying rent (getting a job), helping out with the chores, and treating you with respect, or move out (in which case, she will find very quickly she will have to do all those things when she moves out too, but let her figure that one out). If she decides to stay, write up an agreement with a clause that if she breaks it, she needs to move out. And then make sure she honours it.

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