I'm moving out of state! I need to start a new life.

Edie - posted on 03/24/2016 ( 16 moms have responded )

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Since my son met and married my daughter-in-law I hardly ever see him, thus I don't get to see much of my grandson either. They think my grandson is better off at daycare than in my care.:( When we do get together it's always on his terms and when everyone else is busy.
I cry most of the time because I miss him; we used to be as close as you can get. He hasn't showed me respect in I don't know how long, according to him I can't do anything the right way and he is ashamed of me.
I'm moving out of state and I plan on telling everyone I lost my family because people can't believe how little I see him especially when I tell them he only lives on 3 miles from me. I have to stop waiting for him to "get time" for me. Whenever I suggest we do something or I need anything the answer is ALWAYS no.
All I ever wanted was a family; I had to divorce my husband after 23 years and now it's been 10 years of rejection by my son.
I moved to this town 3 hours to be near my son, which he said he wanted and now I can't take it anymore.
I have lived here for 7 years, having to give up my friends to move, and this is paralyzing my life by hurting my self esteem so bad I think no one else will want to be friends with me. I only have 2 people "I know" I have to call them, they don't call me.
I'm hoping by relocating and leaving this all behind, I will be accepted by other people better.

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Edie - posted on 03/25/2016

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I have no intention of editing my post unless I am not happy with it; not a bunch of people I don't know judging what I write without all the facts.
Anyone that wants to is more than welcome to walk a day in my shoes, but remember that will only give you a taste of what I go through.....there is much, much more. I am a caregiver and recently my brother has needed a lot of care I'm not looking for anything in return, but just simple appreciation is always nice.
If you all took time to READ the posts, you might recognize what is written to share and other posts are wrote as a SOS or just blowing off steam because of severe pain and frustration. I don't know one person that doesn't say or hasn't said something they really don't mean for whatever reason; that doesn't make them a liar.
I am the most honest person you could ever meet; when I said I was leaving the state......I was under so much stress I just wanted to run away; I'm human.
Whatever happens between my son and myself, I would NEVER deny him, he is the light of my life.

Edie - posted on 03/25/2016

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This may not be the forum for me; I share from my heart and instead of suggesting other ways to handle a situation I'm told I'm wrong.
It's just my opinion, I think positive criticism should be balanced with positive suggestions and some words of encouragement to lift the person's spirits.
On the other hand, if this writing journal is just for rah-rah happy cheering and bragging about our family, i'm in the wrong place right now.
Please forgive my solemn attitude, it's' hard to sing cheers when you're going through what I have been for the last 16 years....constant ups and downs.

16 Comments

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Katherine - posted on 03/26/2016

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Dear Edie,
It is quite difficult to accept but relationships do change and the more we resist the more we end up hurting ourselves. I think if you are giving the key to your happiness in the hands of your son and his family then their yes or nos are going to control how you feel at all times. I completely understand your desire to see your grand kid or your son more often but if he says he is busy or no i think you should try to accept it . This doesn't mean your son doesn't love you. if you were super close i am sure he still loves you a lot . He must be just coping with his busy life . If you think they don't call you or continue saying no to your plans you should cut down the frequency of your calls too. I don't think you should break all ties and relocate. Being a parent is very hard especially when children become independent. Our happiness should not be dependent on someone else. I would suggest going out more often may be to library or parks near your house . join a club or activity where you will get an opportunity to make new friends . There are so many things we miss out in life when we are busy looking after children or while talking care of our loved ones . Try to get back to a hobby or anything new . Once you are more calm may be you can try talking to your son on what you feel and decide on time suitable to both of you when you could see your grand child. Do not try and advise or insist anything to him or your dil. And i really dont think you should give up your friends . You should look after yourself . I really hope things work out well for you . Take care

Michelle - posted on 03/26/2016

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What have YOU done to make new friends? You moved to be near your Son but he has a life with his family. It won't always involve you.
Maybe have a look for some social clubs in your area so you can meet people.
It won't change if you move away, you will still need to get out and meet people, they won't come knocking on your door.

Dove - posted on 03/25/2016

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*I have lived here for 7 years, having to give up my friends to move, and this is paralyzing my life by hurting my self esteem so bad I think no one else will want to be friends with me. I only have 2 people "I know" I have to call them, they don't call me.
I'm hoping by relocating and leaving this all behind, I will be accepted by other people better.


You can't run away from yourself. If things are this bad for you... please seek counseling. You can not control what any other person on the planet does... all you can do is control your reaction to it and if things are this bad for you then professional help might be the answer.

Edie - posted on 03/25/2016

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I didn't change my story, I just tried to fill in holes I left that seemed to matter.
My main purpose was to try and put everything in context. I am in a lot of emotional pain right now, so if my stories don't seem to make sense or consistant a lot of it is my brain feels scrambled right how.
I didn't know we are graded on what we right, I thought it was a place women could look to other women for support and ideas (sharing what helped them in a similar situation).
If you don't like what I write or whatever, you are free to skip my shares.

Michelle - posted on 03/25/2016

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I'm with Shawnn, don't edit your post just because you have received replies that you don't like.
Yes this is a place for Mother's to support each other but we will also be honest if we think you are in the wrong. This is an international forum and you will get all kinds of responses. Posting on a public forum you ask for others opinions and people can post them, they won't always be what you want to hear though. It's your choice what you do with them though, you can take it on board and look at the situation from a different angle or you can ignore them, simple.

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 03/25/2016

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I'll say one more thing.

If one wants to be "accepted" by others, one must base their relationships on HONESTY.

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 03/25/2016

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You changed your OP. That is neither honest, nor being an adult. You deleted quite a lot, actually! Including the line that you said "I'm moving out of state, and I'm going to tell everyone I lost my family".

BE HONEST. Start by being honest with yourself. Then try to be honest with everyone else.

I'm out of this discussion. I have no patience for ADULTS who cannot keep their story straight, and who will CHANGE their story to attempt to make up a better one.

Peace out. Happy Easter to those who celebrate the holiday, and for those who do not, have an awesome weekend!

Edie - posted on 03/25/2016

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To start my response I forgot to say my son and I were super close before he met my DIL to be; she told me outright she's jealous of me. I believe she uses my grandson's care as a weapon and my son won't stand up to her; he says he would like for me to be able to take care of my grandson.
So many things to reply to where do I start.
First of all I figured this site was a place mothers could get support not bashed and questioned.
My son was ecstatic when my mother and I moved down here. No, we did not expect them to be 'our lives'. I don't think a visit every couple of weeks is expecting too much, they seem to have a lot of time to go a couple of hours one way to visit my DIL's family.
As far as him being ashamed of me, he told me outright when I had gained a little over 100 lbs. because of medical issues, about a year later they were resolved and I have lost 80 lbs. in the last couple of years (50 in one year due to stress) and no comment.
Doing everything wrong, I use my best judgement in a situation and they always say "you should have...." or why were you continually yelling for my grandson, it was getting on his nerves; my 4 year old grandson was riding in the street around a corner where I couldn't see him; without any response from him I started calling for my son to help me. I'm supposed to supervise my grandson even when they are present; if I tell him not to do something dangerous I tell him the wrong way.
I am proud of my son he's a good man, but I am disappointed he doesn't include me in his life anymore. I do have a life, but no one in this world can replace my love and need to see my son.

Sarah - posted on 03/24/2016

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I really try to be diplomatic in my responses and I think most of the other moms will agree; but really? Your going to move away and say your family is dead because they don't want to be around you? Get off the cross, we need the wood! Maybe your son doesn't want to spend time building your ego up. If my MIL spent her time believing that I thought she did everything wrong and was ashamed of her, I'd would not want her around either. Nobody enjoys the company of a Negative Nellie. Read your post, you don't say one positive thing about yourself. If you are depressed, get treatment. Life is too short to wallow in self pity.

Jodi - posted on 03/24/2016

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I'm just going to say that the OP has changed her post since I posted. When I saw the post it ended at "I'm moving out of state and I plan on telling everyone I lost my family". Just want to make sure my initial post is taken in context.

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 03/24/2016

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Edie, I do believe that you posted once before about your son not "allowing" you to take care of his child, and you were told then that childcare is the decision of the kids parents, and that a lot of the time having the grandparents be childcare doesn't work out so well. If that was NOT you, I apologize.

However, you sound like a 2 year old here. You can't get YOUR way, so you are going to run away in a snit, and LIE to others about the state of your family affairs!

YOU moved to be closer to your son in the first place, assuming that, by doing so, he would consider you the invaluable resource and you would get to spend an inordinately HUGE amount of time being involved in their family life. Did your son, in the beginning, once he got married, call you and say "mom, I can't live without you being near me, PLEASE, OH PLEASE move out here"? Or did you, deciding that your son wouldn't be able to function as an adult, a husband, and a parent simply relocate because you could?

AFTER you relocated, did you make ANY effort at all to connect with people your own age? Did you find activities that interested you, or did you expect your son and his family to drop their lives to accommodate your move? YOU have to be open to new things. YOU have to extend yourself to make new friends. Those ladies that "don't call you" may not feel comfortable just calling out of the blue yet. What have you done as far as interaction with those ladies?

Honestly, I do have to say that, if my MIL made the move to be closer to us, I'd be ecstatic. I'd build her a room, I'd let her live with us. HOWEVER, it would be because she'd been invited, not because she decided that her son couldn't function as an adult, husband, and father without her. Actually, she told me one day that "I raised him. I did my job...now YOU get to refine him", and that was that. If she'd been intrusive, demanding, and otherwise unreasonable? We'd have probably not let her be involved either.

Ev - posted on 03/24/2016

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I agree with Jodi on this and to add to the part about the child care--It is his choice where he takes his son to be taken care of while he is working or whatever it is he does do. You do not have any say over how he and his wife raise their child. They are doing what they believe is best for the child. This is not just about you anymore. You have to realize he has his life as Jodi said and is living it as he sees fit. And before you think I do not know what I am saying, I have a grown married daughter with kids and I do not always get to see them when I want to. I have to sometimes do it on their time frame because of work, other activities, or business they have to do. Be grateful you do have a son and grandchild. Not everyone is so lucky. Fix the problem...moving is just running from it.

Jodi - posted on 03/24/2016

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He's an adult and moving on with his life - he has a family now and is probably just really busy. It may be difficult for him to find time to see you. It happens. I understand you miss him - but our kids grow up and have their own lives, and if they are successful in that, then we have done our job in raising them well. Be proud of that.

With regard to not being able to do anything right, did he just tell you this? Or are you just assuming that's how he feels? What is it that he feels you aren't doing right or what is it he is ashamed of?

Honestly, I think you are cutting of your nose to spite your face by just deciding to move and tell everyone you lost your family. Why not just try to fix the situation?

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