Kristen - posted on 06/11/2013 ( 2 moms have responded )
I’m not a mother myself, but I am here to represent my mother by telling her story, and seeing what advice we could get from other mothers as we are DESPERATE. It all started off when my parents got a divorce, things were very hard, but we got through them without my dad being there. Moving into a new house with tons of renovations needing to be done, with only one income, child tax, and my dad’s little pay he gives for child support, my mum has four children to raise. Working only one job, there’s me, at 18 yrs, my sister at 16 yrs, my brother at 12 yrs, and my youngest sister, at 10 yrs.
One summer my 16 year old sister, decided she wanted to go to Toronto for the summer where my aunt lives. The environment there isn’t a good one, gang violence, consistent crimes, and dirty acts going on, as it is a bad area in Toronto. My mom didn’t really think it would be a big deal sending her though, only because my aunt and uncle are very protective of their children. Not knowing my mom would be making a DRASTIC change to her lifestyle, she sent my sister there for the whole summer as we live in a more rural area, and used to live in the city, making my sister like the city more than our area, as she has more friends out there. When August came around, it was very hard to get her to come home. My mom would call and tell her I’m coming to get you this weekend because she works long hours through the week. My sister would deny my mom’s request, and ask for another week. She did this to a point where it was almost the day before the first day of school my aunt forcefully made her leave knowing she has school to attend. It’s been 3 years since the day we brought her home that summer, and ever since? She is not the person she was when she left. Her attitude towards life drastically changed, she’s very violent towards others, feels what she thinks goes, and is VERY self-centred. She would have daily tantrums telling my mother, my father, and I how she can’t stand us, and were not her family, and would be very nasty to my little siblings. A little has changed since then, and a few months ago me and my mother were very convinced that she has changed back to herself, but still knowing she still has a little bit of that attitude. It was easy to get used to because she wasn’t as wound up as she was because there would be consistent fighting against her, making her not win and I think realizing what she is doing, though we thought wrong as time went by.
Now? It’s very different as I now have a boyfriend. It’s been a year since we’ve been dating, and my sister at one point had anger for my boyfriend because she never liked him. She got mad at me one day, and I was with my boyfriend deciding to leave my house to go to his to get away from the fighting. As I left my house, she screamed out my front door “Cunt” (Sorry if anyone is offended to that word). I get very offended when I am called that, she knows it. My boyfriend turned around and told her to shut up, making her follow us to where we were being picked up, and came screaming in my face. My boyfriend didn’t want to see that as he tried stopping it, and she hit him across the face with her wallet she had in her hand. Out in complete public, screaming, and carrying on like an animal so we left right away as our ride showed up seconds later. She tried to make me choose my happiness for her, as in her choice for me was to break up with him, or have her as a sister. I didn’t let her get her way obviously, but after a while, things were fine again. After a while she decided to start talking to my friend (her boyfriend now) who is 19 years old. At first we all liked him because I knew him, and I thought he was an okay guy. Eventually though, she has had him sleep over every night for the past 2 months, which brought out his true colors. Sneaking him in when my mother demands her for him to stay at his house. When he’s there, he would put his laundry in ours, do his own loads and leave it there for my mom to fold, and when my brother is struggling to find an outfit in the morning for school. He would come in my house every day eating all our food, we would have to do groceries weekly, and when they are done, it’s never under 300 dollars each time. He would order my family around like they were slaves, and my sister would go along with everything he’s done making it okay to do the exact things my mom DOES NOT accept. Sleeping in the same bed every night when she’s 16, threatening to move out and go on student welfare, and does not care that my parents will not sign saying “I don’t give a fuck what any of you have to say about me, YOU DON’T KNOW ME”. Tells my mother when she does not get her way that she’s a “bitch” and a “horrible mother, with horrible parenting skills”. Funny considering my mother does the best she can for the four of us. She is consistently stressing my mom out as my mom has high blood pressure and is now medicated for it. When my sister fights with me, I remind her that mom cant listen to this because of her stress level, and her come back is “I don’t give a fuck, I’m fighting with you, not her” when it is the consistent fighting that my mother hears. My sister unexpectedly leaves the house at any given hour, even when she’s babysitting my younger siblings, for long periods of time. Treats my father and step mum like pieces of dirt. Its sad, sickening, and terrible to see as we don’t have a very big family so we rely on each other.. and to be going through this is taking over a lot in my household. My sister likes to fight, she cant take no for an answer, and doesn’t stop the arguing until my mother eventually gives in as she cannot take her crap. She feels as if she in control, she’s the boss and dictates with what goes on in the house hold. My mother is to a near point where her blood pressure is so high that she could have a stroke at any given time.
Tonight for example, my sister brought a fight upon me and my boyfriend today as he was there with me. She called us “fuck ups”. Which hurts me. Tomorrow morning, my mom needs me home because my sister has a doctors appointment for her wisdom teeth tomorrow, and my mom asked me if I could be there in the morning for the kids to get them ready for school, as she needs to take my sister to her appointment. My mom owns an old trailer, and since I was staying at my house tonight, my sister DEMANDED to sleep in there, only because I’m staying home, and the worst part about this situation is we share a room. So there would be fighting right away.. My own blood, my own sister, draws me from my own house.. it’s affecting me a lot as a have depression myself, and it makes me feel more down about myself, I know it shouldn’t but it only does because at one point me and my sister were best friends.
Is there any advice you mothers could give me, a despite child going through a crisis that me nor my mother, nor my father can control. We need a solution and quick. I want my mother to be healthy and happy again, I see her consistently crying because she feels as if she’s failing with her parenting, when I couldn't ask for any better of a mother… please anyone who has gone through this… please give me advice on what to do to fix this, and give me the relationship I want with my sister, I miss her so much.. and it kills me that she looks at her family as “ the enemy”.