I'm raising another womans baby! Advice??

Haley - posted on 11/12/2014 ( 17 moms have responded )

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My boyfriend has a 13 month old son. I've been in his life since my SS was 5 months old. The BM is "active" in his life. But she only sees the baby 1-4 times in two weeks. She makes excuses constantly as to why she needs us to take him, or why she can't pick him up. She is on her second child from another man, due in 2 months. She also does not have a job. Myself and the father take care of SS ourselves. Now I take care of him more than anyone. SS comes with me to work every morning. I feed him, bathe him, put him sleep, play with him, and financially take care of him along with his father. I became a full time mother to a child that isn't even mine. I'm not sure if I am able to have children, but besides that, i see a child that is still new to this world who deserves the love and care from a proper mother, and I am happy to provide that. I just want to know if I'm doing the right thing. If i should be SO active in his life. I mean my SS already calls me momma. He loves me and I love him, and i am beyond in love with his father.

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Sarah - posted on 11/12/2014

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I think you keep on loving, what harm is there in a baby being loved. Try to stay out of the legal mess unless you are a witness. Hope for the best!

Sarah - posted on 11/12/2014

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If the new father has brought harm to your boyfriend's son, then your bf needs to address that with the authorities.

Jodi - posted on 11/12/2014

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Why so defensive? You are still throwing judgements out there and you have to STOP for the sake of the child who will love his mother regardless.

Secondly, if there is no court order, you know she can refuse to return the child any day and there isn't a damn thing you can do about it, right?

Charly - posted on 11/15/2014

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I understand where you are coming from, even though I'm not in the same predicament. Its kind of like my bfs mother. If she is in a bad mood she lashes at my kids and myself for no good reason. I can normally tell when she is having a bad day. That's when I choose to ignore her and her craziness. If you think you are doing a great job and you and your little family are happy then that's all that matters. Try not to let her get to you. Best wishes and good luck.

Jodi - posted on 11/12/2014

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Unless custody agreements are actually put to the court, it is unlikely that it will be an outcome. Has your boyfriend actually applied for custody?

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Haley - posted on 11/15/2014

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I suppose i didn't put enough detail in to this post. I have tried to be her friend. I even confided in her for something very personal. and the second something doesn't go her way or she's in a bad mood, she uses it against me. No one understands what kind of person she is. You're defending her but you don't understand the horrid, psychotic, narcissist she actually is. she's a MEAN person! When the little one cries, she mocks him and she blames us for his behavior. She's just really a terrible person and everyone thinks i'm just a jealous girlfriend trying to take over his mom's position. That's not it! She's constantly trying to come between me and the father, she's not there for her son, so I AM. I take care of him because it's the right thing to do. I'm the bigger person in the scenario.

Charly - posted on 11/14/2014

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I agree with Jodi. Don't pass judgment on anyone until you put yourself in their shoes. Sometimes, certain things are placed in our laps to help us learn and grow. Apparently this is another life lesson for you. Patience is a virtue, don't push someone down when they have no further to fall. Try to befriend her, there is no better thing than a sm and a bm getting along for the sake of the child. Instead of thinking only of yourself and your bf and the baby. Try thinking of a way that can help this baby have a happy healthy environment with all of his parents joined together in harmony. I know it will be hard, but just think of the reward you all will have in the end. Try talking to her and let her know how you feel and ask her how she feels. Let her know that you want to get along with her for the sake of the baby. Who knows, maybe she will see things your way and you three can make slow steady changes for the better.

Raye - posted on 11/12/2014

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Haley,
It is hard as a step-parent to step-back and let the bio parents work it all out, since you do act as the mother when the child is in your care. Legally, step-parents have no rights to the child, no matter how long or how involved they've been in raising the child. Stay strong and stay focused on what you CAN do to help make that child safe and happy. It's a rough road, but it is very rewarding.

Haley - posted on 11/12/2014

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I understand. Court is for what happened between the mother's boyfriend and my boyfriend's son. Hopefully resulting in some sort of start, to a custody agreement. There's SO MUCH to all of this. It's just unbelievably complicated and there's nothing I can do but sit back and be supportive. When I want to be active.

Jodi - posted on 11/12/2014

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I'm glad to hear your boyfriend is going to court to arrange court orders. I'm assuming they are custody orders? I think you may have misread my post. I was stating that as long as there are no court orders, she can actually take the child and NOT return him if she chooses. Court orders are a protection for the child.

Haley - posted on 11/12/2014

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I don't know, am I being defensive? Yes, I am judging. I'm not gonna lie. But as much as i dislike this woman, I have NEVER bad mouthed her to her son. As much as she bad mouths me, says rude things to me, and cusses me. I don't say anything back. I ignore her childish games. I do realize that she can refuse and take him whenever. But so can the father.

Haley - posted on 11/12/2014

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Then i suppose it ends. But I don't intend on letting that happen. Because we love each other. And i love his son, as well as he loves me. If we have problems we'll work them out. Like I have been, i'll do everything I can for the both of them and our relationships.

Haley - posted on 11/12/2014

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She has never had a job, everything gets handed to her. I know who she is, the way that she is. There is NO custody agreement. So whatever time she "spends" with him is all up to her. Which when we drop him off to her, it's because her dad want's to keep him for a day or two, or she needs him for a wic appointment and gives him right back. She chooses to see him as little as possible. So yes, that is her fault. I said nothing negative about her having another child, i was simply stating the fact. I have nothing against that and could care less. I said this, because she can't take care of her first child, and is now having another child. She can't give all of her time and attention to her first child but she chose to have a second child. She is manipulative, a compulsive liar. The father of her second child, is abusive and has brought harm to my SS. So yes, I do have a lot of judgement towards her. She is where she is because of the decisions she made willingly. And yes the father and i very much intend on having a long happy life together.

Sarah - posted on 11/12/2014

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The concern I have is you are not married to this man. You are bonding with this baby (and vice versa) as though you are his parent. I hope for all involved that your relationship lasts but you have been together for 8 months. What will happen if your relationship ends?

Raye - posted on 11/12/2014

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Sounds to me like you're doing the right thing. I'm not sure why you would even question yourself. The only thing that made me hesitate about your post was that you're not yet married to the boy's father but are calling him your step-son and him calling you momma. Technically you're not the step-mom yet, but I can't fault you or the boy for feeling that way, since you are basically functioning in that role. And if you and your boyfriend are planning on having a long term relationship, then hell yes you should be active in the boy's life. No matter what you do, there will always be a special place in that child's heart for his birth mother. Whether that place is filled with love, resentment or indifference is based solely on her actions, not yours (as long as you're not bad-mouthing her or unduly influencing the child against her). Let her dig her own grave, and you keep showing the child the love he needs.

I'm a step-mom (no bio kids), and I love and care for my step-kids the best way that I can. I'm not going to ignore the kids needs or my own feelings for them. They need stability and nurturing from someone, and they aren't getting it from their birth mother.

Jodi - posted on 11/12/2014

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OK, I'm just going to stop you here because you are throwing out a LOT of judgement.

First thing, you are not raising another woman's baby, you are raising your boyfriend's child. You are looking at it from the wrong perspective.

Secondly, did you know that many FATHERS only see their children a couple of days every other week? That's right, it is very common for courts to award visitation to many fathers for every second weekend, which makes for two days every two weeks. Some will also get to see their children for a bit of time during the week, but not always. So I'm not quite sure why the judgement on how often the mother sees this child. It doesn't make her a bad mother, and you need to stop perceiving it that way. It would be different if she never spent time with her child, but she does. It appears here that she has the custody often awarded to fathers, and vice versa.

The mother has another child on its way to another man? Another judgement. I, too, have two children to two different fathers. Sometimes we make life choices where that happens, and they are not necessarily bad choices. Having two children to two different men does not mean a person has issues or has made poor choices.

She doesn't have a job? Seriously? She's having a baby in 2 months. You said you've never had a child of your own, I challenge YOU to get a job when you are already pregnant.

Are you doing the right thing? Of course you are. But you need to back off on the judgement of the child's mother. The child will not thank you for judging his mother because regardless how you feel, he will love her because she is his mother. Even if she is unreliable, or not taking on as much of a mother role as you, he will love her and want her in his life without your judgement and criticism.

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