I'm Ready To Give Up

M - posted on 10/14/2014 ( no moms have responded yet )




I have been a single mother for 10 years and I've been through enough and really can't take much more. I am ready to give up. I moved to another state chasing my dreams and it hasn't been a smooth ride. I never really had any regrets, but now I regret moving here. I lost my home, and car in a matter of 90 days last year. My credit is ruined now and my life is in shambles. I managed 2 roommate situations with people who I thought were cool, but we no longer speak. I finally got my own place again in March of this year and it looks as if I'm going to lose everything all over again. I moved from the other state I lived in because there was no one to help me. I worked 4 jobs and had no time for my child because I had to work to keep a roof over our head. In that time frame I can see how my son starting falling short of his education. Seeing that my mother lived around the corner (never wanted to help) it really just motivated me to leave and start a new life elsewhere, but had no idea that it would be this damn hard. So I again, obtained my own place and was working a 11/hr job (which is not what I'm use to making, but I accepted it) and things looked as if they were getting better. My son ended his school year with straight A's and then it all came crashing down. I lost my (temp job) I hate temp agencies because they aren't worth $hit. They get paid to get you in there and get you mediocre jobs that are not built to last. But anyways, I lost the temp job in the middle of the month because the assignment ended. So my rent was late after I finally gotten my own place again. Its like that pattern was repeating itself from the prior year. I did have a guy I was dating and he did help me with rent that month, but I still needed a job. Long story short, he and I did not work out. He was causing me to stress in areas I vowed I wouldn't stress again when it came to a man. So I got another job end of July (my rent for this 1 bedroom from June up until October has been $900 because late fees were incurred) The job I got was thru another temp agency. I thought it was going good, my son's school year started off good and then boom lost my job again. This time it was due to my quality scores. Now I had a lot of personal things going on and it affected my work, yes ill admit that. My best friend was killed, I was playing catch up with my bills, lights, and gas was cut off. So yes the little temp job was barely helping me catch up. Even with my school refund checks, I barely was catching up, but I lost my job October 2, 2014. I applied for unemployment but those checks wont be crap. I started going around to churches to help me with my rent and to make matters worse my son has started acting out again. I only have told half of my story, but up til this point, I'm ready to give up. I never wanted to end my own life, but I'd rather be dead than struggle all over again, have my son act out and defy me. I have done the best I can and have reached my breaking point. I prayed and prayer is not changing my situation fast enough. I did however, get another job, but it's serving and only $2.13 an hour. I have rent that's still unpaid, light gas, phone and renters insurance that has to be paid and can't see how that petty 2/hr will make ends meet in my home. I don't want to live with anyone else because I've done that and it wasn't a pleasant experience when your an adult. I can't deal with my 10 year old son doing whatever he wants and then cries and acts dumb when he is scolded for his inappropriate behavior. Its putting a strain on me because the school is calling me again and he is not doing the best he needs to at home. I am ready to take him downtown and show him that foster homes are not fun and they will not love you nor treat you the way I treat you nor love him the same. I feel that he has it made even when we are struggling. He doesn't go hungry and are utilities are only off for a couple of days and then I pay them and continue to be broke so we can survive. I guess I really came here to vent, because I'm sure the cliché's of "its going to get better, pray, or it can be worse or going to be said, but what do you really say to someone who has no one that is ready to give up on her child and her life because its becoming too hard with no real reasoning behind it. This struggle doesn't make me stronger; it makes me want to give up because its not really worth it......I've done the best I can do and have prayed long enough. Its good for a week and back to the bad times of life. I'm very unhappy and don't want to be around anyone not even my own child. To make matters worst, my mother tried to reprimand me via text message because she finally has her $hit in a straight line where she never really wanted to be a mother to me in the first place. My mother gave up on me and my brother and I vowed to never do that to my child, but boy its becoming to much for me right now. Living where I am now, they don't have emergency housing. The don't help mothers who have child. I can make all the phone calls in the world here and they don't have any resources to assist. I stopped talking to my therapist when I lost my job, because it had become pointless when I'm doing my best and life is giving me $hit time after time. So again at this point I am ready to give up.

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