I'm recently engaged and my fiance and I are planning to move in together in the next few months to save money for our wedding. He has a 5 year old son whom I adore he's an absolute sweetheart but he refuses to sleep alone as he's used to sharing a bed with his mother or his siblings at home (lives with his mom) I've mentioned to my fiance that he needs to work on the sleeping arrangements before we move into together as I'm not confortable sharing a bed with he and his son, currently when his son comes to visit I will not stay the night at his place because his son gets really upset if he can't sleep with his daddy so since it is only every other weekend I just leave and let them bond, however the arrangements are changing and he will not get his son every other week for a full week at a time and I will not spend every other week away from him, once we move in together no way I will not share a bed with him for a week, how can we get his son to sleep alone, he's a very bright 5 year old but also very spoiled kid, I presume it will be a fight but I'm not comfortable sharing a bed with he and his son I don't feel its a appropriate and at 5 he should be sleeping alone in my opinion but that's not my call however I refuse to share a bed with him let's just say he's a very curious 5 year old and his new curiousity are breast I have to pop hands to remind him its not ok to touch mine or any womans for that matter which makes the thought of sharing a bed with him a bit uncomfortable, I've mentioned to my fiance that he needed to start the transition now so that his son understands its not a punishment but just something big boys do and doesn't blame me for the new rules (i.e. make me the mean stepmom), I needs some help I'm not a parent yet but how do you guys think we should handle the situation so that his son doesn't feel he's being pushed away?
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Jodi - posted on 08/10/2012
OK, as a stepmother, AND a mother, I am going to make a suggestion.....
Set up another bedroom, and on the nights that his son stays over, YOU sleep in the spare room. Problem solved.
He is 5, this won't go on forever, but if he sees that the reason he is forced to a bed on his own is because YOU have taken his place, he will develop resentment. If you just let it go, he will grow out of it, and it also allows for some transition time. You can't be seen to be involved, or the reason for, the transition.
Secondly, KEEP YOUR HANDS TO YOURSELF. If he goes home to his mother and tells her you have been hitting him (and don't kid yourself, that's what popping is), do you know your fiance could lose all access to him? And if the choice comes down to you or his kid, I can tell you now, it won't be you. You have no right to hit his child. Not to mention the fact that you shouldn't hit kids anyway.
Dove - posted on 08/10/2012
Does your fiance want to change the sleeping arrangements of his son? If your fiance hasn't started trying to change the sleeping arrangements so far then I'm willing to bet it really doesn't bother HIM. It's not your place to dictate change... or to smack a kid that isn't yours.
If your fiance DOES want to change the sleeping arrangements, that is one thing, but if he doesn't care to or does it just to 'appease' you.... you'd be better off moving on.
I'm sorry if I come off as harsh, but as a co-sleeper with a 4.5 year old who also briefly (strong emphasis on the briefly) dated a man who was against co-sleeping this hits a little too close to home.
~â¥Little Miss - posted on 08/10/2012
WHOA here. So many things to address. First of all, he is NOT your kid. You are not his stepmom YET. You do NOT hit or "pop" another persons kid. You talk to him.
Secondly, do NOT get between your fiance and his son. So, you don't want to sleep with him and his son? Well don't. He is NOT spoiled just because he wants to co sleep. you do not have children of your own, so you have yet to understand a bond between a parent and their child. YOU are walking in on THEIR relationship, not the other way around. If you are not ready to address this like an adult, maybe it is not time for you to move in together and play mommy. This boys life should stay as normal as it can be. You really are the one that needs to make the adjustment not a 5 year old boy. If HE is ready to start sleeping on his own, that is one thing. If he is pressured by you, who do you think he won't like? You may not care now, but you sure will later.
Seriously, you need to be the adult and make this as easy of a transition as possible for this 5 year old boy. I think you should sit down with your fiance and start making up some guidelines for you both on the discipline department, and figure out what your role is suppose to be. For you to force something on them to make YOU happy, who is the spoiled one here?
Amy - posted on 08/10/2012
I have a 6 year old and a 2 1/2 year old both of them start their night in their beds but both end up in bed with my husband and I in the middle of the night. It works for us, I understand it doesn't work for every family, but it sounds like it works for the family that you are entering into so I would say you have to be the one to make the adjustment, not the other way around. If it's a deal breaker for you than move on, his son is always going to be number one and the more you pressure him to put you first the more you are going to push him away, and if your demands for him to force his son into his own bed work than I honestly don't know if this is someone who I would personally be in a relationship with.
I think Jodi had an excellent suggestion set up another bedroom in the house and when the son is there on your fiances week you stay in the spare bedroom. If that isn't a reasonable solution for you than you should reconsider moving in.
~â¥Little Miss - posted on 08/10/2012
You DO sound like the mean stepmom that wants to get between the dad and his son. I think his FATHER needs to deal with the situation without you telling him what you want and what you have to say. Maybe your fiance LIKES to co sleep with his son, especially since he is not with him all the time.
Gigi - posted on 05/08/2014
Noooooo Way that I would not allow a 5 year old to sleep in my bed with me and my fiancé. It's not happening. The problem is you and you fiancé are giving the child what he wants. And you are not being parents who enforce the rules of Your home. No you should not have to go sleep in another room that's absurd and foolish. Make the child sleep in his own bed and so what if he crys he has to learn. Also his father has to put his foot down and be the authority and not allow it any longer. Or else your gonna have an 8 year old laying next to you grabbing your boobs lol smh my daughters who turning 5 next month has been sleeping in her own been since she was 2 1/2 and my fiancé also has a 7 year old daughter from another relationship and she knows our house rules are to be followed.
Ms - posted on 08/13/2012
Soory for the delayed response crazy weekend. But just to clear things up his mother & father know that I pop his hand for trying to squeeze my breast its not a secret, he went thru a phase I guess where he was just obsessed with breast I don't believe it was anything more than just a strange curiousity but he would try every chance he got to squeeze or bite not just my breast but any woman he close enough to with large breast, it became a real problem as the daycare was threatening to remove him if his parents did not get it under control, his parents would punish him each time it happened timeouts, take things away, talk to him etc he just wouldn't stop so his parents decided that popping his hands was the best solution the daycare center obviously would not but I was told to do so nothing hard but he eventually got the message, as for my fiance he also wants his son to sleep in his own bed as he is 6'8" and his son his also tall he's 5 about to turn 6 but he looks height wise more like a 10 year old and sleeps very very wild much like his dad so neither of them get a good night sleep my fiance tries to put him in his bed once he's a sleep but he wakes instantly and cries so he just doesn't know what to do, like I said I leave the nights he has his son not simply b/c of the sleeping arrangements but to give them some time to bond one on one without me, my fiance is a great dad his son was an infant when we started dating and I always loved his relationship with his son I'm certainly not trying to come between them I knew he had a son when we met and I'm ok with that I have both a stepmom and a stepdad I love so the blended family scenario is not new to me, also when I said his son was spoiled I also didn't mean that b/c he slept with his dad he was spoiled come on he's 5 its nothing strange about that I meant he's spoiled b/c in general he is spoiled and I'm not innocent in that department either he's a really adorable kid my fiance and his son's mom broke up right before she found out she was pregnant I met his dad when he was only 6 months old we started dating when his son was 2 so I've known/had a close relationship with his son for most of his life I love his son and when he turns on his charm he knows just what to say or do to melt your heart and get his way and consequently everyone spoils him, as for sleeping in a seperate room I've spoke to my fiance about doing so at least initially when we move together just to help his son transition but he is against it, in fact he doesn't like that I do not sleep over when his son's visiting either but we don't know what to do about it, when his son was younger and we first started dating I'd stay over and his son would sleep in his own bed however the living arrangement changed at his mother's house and she and her 5 boys were forced to move to a 2 bedroom apartment long story but unfortunately for her kids it was a nasty situation it really scared the kids consequently his son need him more and was scared at night so he would bring him to bed with him at night and due to the situation I wanted to give him more time to focus on making sure his son knew he loved him and got the extra love he needed at the time it was a really ugly situation at his mom's home she's a great mom I really applaud her for getting thru and doing a really good job raising 5 boys and it was not her fault at all but it was ugly and unfortunately the court's decided it was best for his son to remain with his mom hence the current situation but now that we are planning to move in together and get married we need to figure out how to transition him back to his own bed his dad and mom feel he's ready but he hasn't slept alone at either his moms or dads in 3 years and can not at his mom's home (he sleeps with his older brother) so I/we are looking for ideas on how to make it as smooth a transition as possible we recognize there will be nites he will join us or be scared etc but what techniques have you all used any suggestions...my apologies I did not punctuate lol but typed in a hurry
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