I'm so confused at what just happens with daughters father?

Jasmine - posted on 07/23/2014 ( 6 moms have responded )

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Sorry this might be a tad long. I had my daughter luna last year with my first love. We've been together since I was 14 now I'm turning 21 later in the year. He just turned 21 in April. Anywho we've had our ups and downs. He is a drug addict who really tries to stop but if we fight he'll get his fix. He does battle an addiction with meth as well. I moved out twice already bc it just wouldn't work,he wouldn't come home at times and we would argue a lot. To top that off he was abusive. He would get mad and just hit me and we would just go at it bc I couldn't just let him hit me. Well now to cut this story off he hit me like 3 weeks ago and i didn't go over or call him. He came to my house twice in those two weeks but I would just go in. He's been saying the same thing for the past years. He's sorry and if we were still together. I had said no that we weren't. Now I found out he's talking to some 19 years old. He doesn't see his daughter,he doesn't work,and just does whatever he wants. I'm so torn. I tried to help and be there and this is how he repays me? Everyone in his family says " what do you see in him? Your pretty" let him suffer" I just don't know he's my only friend and our daughter loves him. I miss him. I love him and just want us to be a healthy family but he's just so selfish! Anyone go through this? I feel so alone. I love my daughter more than anyone on this world it's just want her to have a family.

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Ev - posted on 07/23/2014

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Shawnn is right on that. You need to get those things taken care of and take care of you and your child. If he was so willing to change he would have done so a lot time ago. You can not change him, nor can you help him. Just doing that enables him to keep on being how he is. Let him rock bottom.

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Viviane - posted on 07/26/2014

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Sweety u want a family at what cost, is he ur husband or just your partner. If the lattertrust me there are other men out there who will love your daughter and urself so well. Buy if he is your husband pray to God and you will c changes.

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 07/24/2014

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Mee, The OP doesn't have the option to 'control' visitation. IT MUST BE DONE LEGALLY. If she withholds visitation, even though there is a drug problem, the child could be turned over to the non custodial parent.

You should NEVER advocate an illegal action. If the OP were to simply disappear with the kid and not take this through the legal routes, she can have the child completely removed from her care. Look up 'parental alienation'. Its HUGE.

The proper method of handling this is to do as stated previously: get an attorney, establish paternity, establish PROOF of any criminal activity or dangerous actions (hearsay won't do, nor will 'feelings'), file for custody, support, and visitation. The visitation request can be for supervised, if the situation warrants it.

In no way am I saying that the man should have his daughter around for any reason, however legally, he's got a right to be a parent. She needs to take the proper LEGAL steps to protect her custody and her daughter.

Jodi - posted on 07/24/2014

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You told him you weren't still together, so why are you surprised he is talking to another girl (just talking???)? Your relationship is unhealthy and toxic. Why would you want a drug addict and abuser in your life? He doesn't seem to want to clean himself up. How is that relationship good in any way for your daughter? Why are you so confused about that?

What you need to do now is establish custody and visitation, and make sure you file for child support. That's the best thing you could do for your daughter.

Mee - posted on 07/23/2014

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I think the opposite of the previous comment when it comes to having visitation schedules. If you have had your ups and downs with this man and have been hurt by him, how much more do you think he could hurt your girl? What kind of an example will he be to her? Will he just have her around because a court says he has to have her around and won't care to put an effort into their relationship? I would carefully consider including him into your lives. If he is the way you described him, then maybe it's for the best that you both go your separate ways where you can establish a better future for your daughter despite how difficult that may be. My mother had to do the same for me at one point and let my bio dad go his way. She didn't even file for child support, she simply let him go and didn't try to have him in my life. I'm glad she did and I think my life turned out differently because of it. On the other hand I've seen women who have let the deadbeat dad be in the kids lives and they end up using drugs or being abused in some way. Right now what is most important is your daughter and the choices you need to make are the ones that are in her best interest.

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 07/23/2014

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establish paternity, file for support and have a visitation schedule set up. Unfortunately, you cannot help him until he hits rock bottom and seeks help himself. Get into an AlAnon group in your area. They will help you handle the walking away part.

He will continue to use and abuse you until you either leave, or he does. He won't because you want to help him. He'll take advantage in the worst ways.

DO NOT tell him you are leaving, or filing paperwork. Just do so.

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