I need advice?

Sheran - posted on 10/06/2013 ( 5 moms have responded )

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My partner of six years, a couple of days ago announced he wants his eldest son back in our lives again. After abandoning him two years ago and having no contact and refusing talk about his son from a previous relationship. Our two boys we have got together do not know about their other brother, how do I tell a four year old and a two year old about their brother? Also whenever my partner has contact with his other son and his ex it's like we do not exist to him. I've tried talking to him tonight and he blasted and shouted at me and has stormed off... What do I do, I'm scared that this will cost me my relationship and my sons will be dragged through hell because the ex isn't the nicest of people and stops access and us being apart of his life when it suites her! I just don't want my children go through this and come out hurt because it's one big game to her and I lived four years living on egg shells with my partner and her.... PLEASE HELP...

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Jodi - posted on 10/06/2013

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Danicia, your right, I somehow ended up deleting some words out of my statement. when I was editing. It should have read:

"Your partner doesn't need to have contact with his ex. Only IF IT IS ABOUT his son. The only contact he should be having with his ex is to arrange pick up and drop off as needed. It can be kept to a minimum."

I was trying to indicate that the contact can be kept to a minimum.

Danicia - posted on 10/06/2013

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i disagree with Jodie. if he has communication with his son, he will have to work with his ex on co-parenting. it's not like he's going to just some playmate for his son. however I do agree with Jodie that a better clarification on why there was no contact for 2 years would help. how I read your post is that your man CHOSE not to have anything to do with his son for 2 years (abandoned). introducing his eldest back into the family dynamic will change your current family. you will have to co-parent with someone not in your home.

Jodi - posted on 10/06/2013

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I'm confused. You have said the ex stopped access, and yet you accuse your partner of "abandoning" his son? Which is it?

In all honesty, your partner has every right to want his son in his life. You knew he had another child when you got together with him. This is something you signed up for. It is never easy having a blended family or dealing with past relationships. But it is something you made the option to commit to when you decided to make a life with someone who already had children. I do understand how difficult it is for you.....do you understand how difficult it may have been for him not seeing his child all this time, and not being able to be the father to him he wants to be? I've seen how my husband used to react when he hadn't seen his son in a couple of months and his ex denied him the visit, and it broke my heart every single time. Yes, it put a strain on the family, but empathy for the situation goes a long way.

Your partner doesn't need to have contact with his ex. Only his son. The only contact he should be having with his ex is to arrange pick up and drop off as needed. It can be kept to a minimum.

Now for some advice for your partner - he needs to see a lawyer and have the court order regular visitation. If he has a court order, his ex can't just choose to stop visits whenever she choose and this will remove the ambiguity from your family's life.

Sheran - posted on 10/06/2013

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Well his ex is the one who has decided he can see his eldest and put it across to my partner that he can have access. I really do not understand after two years why?! Why the change of heart? Deep down I have this gut feeling something bad is going to happen and the kids will all be stuck in the middle of it all..

Danicia - posted on 10/06/2013

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it sounds like his ex has right to raise hell if he decides to step back into his eldest sons' life after disappearing for 2 years. that's psychological abuse on that poor kid. you even said it, he abandoned his son two years ago and he refused communication. what gives him the right to waltz on in and stir up everything like that? yeah, he's the sperm donor but a father doesn't walk out on his child like that. if he did that to your sons you have with him, what would your reaction be if he wanted to pop back up after being gone for 2 years? if it wasn't important for 2 years, why is it now important for him to be involved with his eldest son? yes, your sons will be affected by this. you likely already have it pegged correctly saying they'll be dragged through hell. just my opinions, doesn't make sense for him to randomly now want a relationship after refusing to be a father for 2 years...

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