I need advice about my wife and my daughter.

Joe - posted on 06/29/2015 ( 4 moms have responded )

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My daughter is almost 7 years old. She was 3 when her mother and I split up. I have been with my current wife since July 12'. We were married a year later. She has 4 children, ages, 17, 15, 13, 10. She was married for 16 years to her previous husband.

A year ago we went to a therapist and discussed the the new rule that no kids are allowed in the room or on the bed. I think it stems from my daughter one day giving my wife a dirty look when she came into the room, and it made her feel unwelcome. Well my wife is much more strict than I ever was or have been. She comes down on my kid when she doesn't eat everything on her plate, or that she leaves a pair of socks or her stuffed animal downstairs. I understand that she needs to pick up after herself, and tell her to do so, but I am much more gentler about this. Anyway, the no kid on the bed rule really upsets me. My daughter comes over once during the week and every other weekend, Fri, Sat, Sun evening. enjoy the cuddles and her wanting to snuggle up with me. My wife hates it now, and if my daughter is even in our room now, she will say, "what is she doing in here?" It drives me nuts.
Here I am thinking I am being a good father because I love spending quality time with my child, and now I am made to feel bad or have to run into my kid's room, and she wants me to leave the door open. AS if we are doing something wrong.

I need advice. Am I being overly sensitive and need to try to listen to my wife more? Or is my wife being overbearing, and asking to much of me?

Hoping to find some common ground.

Thanks

4 Comments

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MaryAnn - posted on 07/02/2015

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With such a big girl... and such a big family, i dont think its unreasonable for your wife's boundaries to be at her bed and her bedroom as personal sanctuary and a well kept house. Please remember that the bedroom and bed are hers and yours- not your daughters- even when she is not home.
There are plenty of places you can cuddle with your daughter, the couch, your daughters room, that do not impede on your wife's personal sanctuary.
If you feel that this puts a barrier between yourself and your daughter, its probably best to think of additional ways of bonding with your daughter. Im sorry to say, but there will be a day sooner than you would hope where she doesn't want to cuddle with daddy anymore.

Joe - posted on 06/30/2015

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Thank you for your advice. I appreciate the input and will certainly consider all that you have said. We moved into our new house together. I think sometimes that my kid's mother also remarried, but it's only the three of them, and well my daughter is always the center of their attention. I do find myself feeling worried that I am not able to give her that kind of attention, and jealous that my ex gets to have that one on one.

I do understand that my wife needs her own space and place to unwind. But when she is not home, I don't think it hurts anything then, She thinks otherwise. Anyway, we will just have to keep on talking and hopefully we can work it through.

Thank you again.

Raye - posted on 06/30/2015

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If I were to guess, I'd say that she moved in with you? This seems like your wife just wants to feel that there's a space that's yours and hers alone. Kids take a lot of time and energy, especially now that there could be 5 in the house together. She should have somewhere she can go for privacy and comfort. That being said, it does sound like she has some jealousy toward your daughter as well. And while I don't know why you would need the door closed when you're in the room with your daughter (unless having a heart-to-heart talk), if nothing inappropriate is going on then it makes no difference.

Kids are a high priority, and you should not be afraid to show them appropriate affection. But your wife is also a priority and should be made to feel like her wishes are considered. If you can't come to a compromise, you may need to get back into counseling.

FYI, my husband still has story time with his kids in our bed before sending them off to their own beds to sleep. He used to allow them to sleep in his bed a lot, and since I moved in with them that has been reduced to nightmares, storms, and the occasional just because. I find it very difficult to sleep with the kids piled in, because they are all knees and elbows and I feel beat up and still tired in the morning. He has respected my wishes and the kids have adjusted with little argument.

Arrdieu - posted on 06/30/2015

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Marriage is a long way to go,but i think your daughter should be your most priority and its not very nice to have divided attention to only your wife,try and and extend your love slso towards her kids too ,all the best.

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