I need advice ASAP

Daisy - posted on 03/29/2013 ( 4 moms have responded )

8

0

1

OK this is going to be long, so sit back, and enjoy  I need advice ASAP! 12 years ago I met and married my daughter’s father. Found out he had drug issues along with alcoholism. So we divorced 7 years ago (only making it 5 years we were married) I tried to make it work in our relationship but it was proving to be really hard being that we had a baby and he was coming home cussing and fighting (physical/mental abuse) my daughter was 4 when we divorced (she barely knew him, she never asked where he was nor if he was coming). We also lost communication and he wasn’t around for 2 years after that. So when my mother and father were retiring in Trinidad (Small Island in the Caribbean Sea) I took that as a great escape from all that was going on. Me and my daughter packed up and moved to the Island along with my family (she celebrated her 5th B-day there). I love it there. My daughter was in school and in dance class (going on competitions on TV) she was 6 during her first competition. Life was great. And also my ex started calling and talking to her again. I felt as if it was safe for him to come and visit (as he was asking) so I let him come to one of her competitions. He expressed how much he has changed and he wanted to be there for her as much as he can. And I didn’t see why not (but from long distance). I told him the ship for “me and him” has sailed. I couldn’t feel that way about him anymore, not after everything he has done to me. But I did let him know that I wouldn’t treat him in any negative way in front of our daughter. So he left and was true to his word. He would call and ask about her and I would answer. I would also allow him to speak to her without any reservations. Time went on and I started thinking about my daughter and her future she wasn’t going to stay being 7 forever. And when his mother made me an offer I couldn’t say no. She asked me if I will be willing to move here with my daughter. I had a job and a car and my family. I knew there was a slight chance she would want to go to college in the U.S. And I didn’t have a degree only a GED from living here. So I agreed after asking some pretty basic questions. Like is he doing drugs again? (she said no) I asked is he drinking? (She said no) I of course believed her because why would she lie? She went on to say things like “oh you’ll have a car here and a job and you’ll stay in the basement” <- not meant in a bad way just to show me that I’ll have privacy. But I felt a little to buttered up. However I came anyway. I’ve been here now on and off for 2 years. I say on and off because I spend weekends at my cousins (been doing that for about a year now) and I leave every summer to visit my family for 2 months. Ok this is it, where the drama starts. When I came I noticed he (my ex) was still drinking alcohol, he had gotten into a car crash (his 3rd in a year) 6 months before we got there (take not around the time I asked her if he was still drinking) he then told me (7 months after we came here), he has to go to rehab “for drinking” about 3 months later he came out of rehab and I found a paper stating he was there for drug (Cocaine) use. <- I’m not guessing cocaine. He has told me recently that he can’t stop using it, not even for his daughter. He never did stop. He lied to me. Also she lied to me. I did make a very strong stand treating to leave here and never return with my daughter, and they asked him to leave. Take his drugs elsewhere. (Now don’t judge me, I only took that stand after my daughter found cocaine bags and showed them to me and asked if it was colored sand. I was pissed!) And aside from the lies I deal with on a very dangerous topic. I deal with being told almost everyday everything from the simplest things (where is the tape) to the more big things (sex pills in a car) is my fault. Now I know if and whoever is reading this (thank you) is probably like “sex pills in a car?” let me just say I’ve been here long enough to notice she is cheating on my father-in-law (but that is not my business) My daughter is 11 now and she is starting to pull away from them. They say things to her like “I know you don’t love me” and “I know you don’t care about your father”. Now I know I’m no Dr. Phil but I feel like they are so blind. Do they not see that he now has her here and spends no time (real time) with her. And they don’t take her out to the movies, museums, anything. The only time we go to the mall with my mil is when she needs help to hold something. I am a very forgiving and accepting person. I also look at both side at all times, I just need to know do you all think I may be putting her through to much at such a vulnerable age? Should I drop getting the degree (I lave only 3 semesters left) and go back home? Or should I stay until I start working and move out? I don’t want to be one of those parents that see something (kid’s rebellion) and not doing anything to prevent it. I know I wrote a lot I felt it was necessary to know the beginning to give a true end. Thank you in advance

MOST HELPFUL POSTS

Cecilia - posted on 03/29/2013

1,380

16

425

Ok I read all of it and then went to make a cup of coffee because my response will take a bit of time.

First, Thank you for thinking of your daughter first. Excellent quality to have.

I think you moving now really does depend on so much.

Will your degree even count if you stay until you finish and then move back to your parents? Or do you just plan on moving out on your own? If it wont count- don't bother finishing it.

I kinda lost track a little but how old is your daughter right now? I ask because if she is around 12. Moving out and still going to school is very possible. You might need to adjust it a little. If you go part time, your classes are from 8-12 then you can work from 9-4. Be home few hours after she does. Make dinner and spend some time together. Everything will be okay. Would it even be possible to have them "babysit" for a few hours after school?

Is your daughter starting to rebel now? Is that why you have an issue? If so what kinds of things are you noticing, they might just be normal every day things. Have you talked with her on how she feels and what she might want you to do? It might be insightful.

I do think the relationships are strained there. That can be an issue. Is it a big enough issue to pick up and leave... I don't know. Only you know what the stress does to you and your daughter. It isn't like anyone could say you didn't give it a good try being there. Bless your heart, cause I know with my FIL, I might have lasted a month before i was bald from ripping my hair out (he offered to buy us a house near his and I stressed just from the offer, as nice of an offer as it was)

4 Comments

View replies by

Daisy - posted on 03/31/2013

8

0

1

Oh wow it is just like WW lll !!!! i'm glad that she isn't headed for anything disastrous, just normal preteen behavior. Thanks for that!! The whole moving thing was spot on- as far as i'm thinking! moving is damaging to the social growth of her preteen years, and reading it from another persons perspective really doesn't make much sense, moving into a rental then back to Trinidad... No, really not much sense there. I guess i will just "TRY" to stick it out- like you said, i mean after all i have made it this far. i will still keep notice as to what is being said, on their part, and try to make stops when i can. so they don't cross any "lines". Thank you so much for your advice it was really truly helpful :-) Keep Good and Happy Easter Sunday *.*

Cecilia - posted on 03/30/2013

1,380

16

425

Ok since your degree will be usable, if it were me, I would try to stick it out. You'll be out of there before your daughter hits 13. In the mean time, have a back up plan. Figure out when too much is too much for either of you. Right now it sounds like they are on a fine line but havn't crossed it yet. Figure out when enough is enough. If they hit that point feel free to go. This could even include when your daughter shows certain signs of having too much also.

The reason I suggest this is a few reasons. You both want to go back to Trinidad. Why move then move again to go there? It's more stress than it's worth in some cases. Really moving her to a new school for maybe 2 years and then to move again is so much for a pre-teen social system. (not to mention the wallet)

As far as your daughter's attitude. It sounds like normal hormonal unable to control her emotions sometimes thing.. I have a 12 year old daughter and yep it sounds just like her!! Her step-father tries to "play" with her sometimes and picks on some of the things that she does and it's like world War III!

Daisy - posted on 03/30/2013

8

0

1

Thank you for not just commenting with great key points but also realizing that moving will depend on a lot. now i am going to try to reply to you in order. First, Yes the degree i am seeking after does count, which is what makes my choice a little harder.
My daughter is 11 now. I have considered moving out and into a place of our own but ( i know this is going to sound strange ) i worry about her changing schools over and over (there isn't any rentals around the area we live in currently). Since she has been to school in T'dad (Trinidad) moving back there would just bring her back to her old friends. But as you said, and it was very encouraging, I can work part time and just move into a more rental friendly neighborhood :-) (which means putting her to a new school, i think it is totally possible)
They wouldn't have a "problem" with babysitting her after school, but she wouldn't want them to take care of her (but will settle is she had to)
As for now no she hasn't started to rebel exactly. But i have to say there are changes in the way she was before to the way she is now, subtle changes. In her attitude mostly, she is more serious and takes things so personal (all the time) I know her grandparents means well but they kind of taunt her about slow eating and calling her a baby, i did raise her to speak up for herself, so she would ask them to stop. and they would (for the moment) and the next day is the same problem. I have spoken to her grandma about them problem and she would just kind of say "oh i know" "she's growing up now we do have to be-careful" and other assuring things that aren't keep to her word. it's mostly really annoying/frustrating for my daughter to have to deal with. I have spoken to her about some of the things we deal with daily, and give her positive reinforcement, like try not to let those things get to you and if they are getting to you, don't snap back at them just say what is bothering you and for the reply if nothing comes out positive just say you need to work on something and exit the room.
I have spoken to her on the way this all makes her feel and like me she is also torn, she wants to be back "home" <- as she calls my house with my parents, but she also really wants to learn who they are and figure out a way to be here, getting to know them. She has told me on one or more occasions that she'll leave when her dad learns to spell her name, and her grandma learns her eye color (I kind of cringe at that). I just don't want that moment to come when she does snap, to be a permanent snap and break. where she will be angry forever and take it out on everyone. and become i guess bitter all the time. I would love to see her happy and cheerful as she is when no one is around (just me and her) i asked her today about how she feels about not having her dad live in the same place she does and she says she prefers it that way. <- it kind of broke my heart that someone so small can be so tuff.
thank you for your reply again and saying "Only you know what the stress does to you and your daughter" that was really insightful and really true, i say it often but to hear (or read) someone say it for me makes me feel... good. Thank you again Cecilia

Join Circle of Moms

Sign up for Circle of Moms and be a part of this community! Membership is just one click away.

Join Circle of Moms