I need advice on helping my son adjust to hisnew family!

Jessica - posted on 10/18/2012 ( 16 moms have responded )

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Hi, I have a problem. My ex left me while I was pregnant with my son. He returned for a couple months at the beginning then again when my son was 3. We gave it a try for a year and I ended up pregnant with my daughter during that time.

When my daughter was 3 months (my son was 4 1/2) he left us again. He wants to get back together but I have thought a lot about this and say no its not what’s best for my family. He isn’t even in the state we are and doesn’t see my kids.

I met this great guy over the last year since my ex left and we have gotten very serious. We want a future together. He has done more for me and my kids then their father ever has. But recently my son has been acting out. I didn’t realize why until last night (he is 5 1/2) he yelled at my boyfriend and told him "you aren’t my dad anymore"

It made me remember the other day he called my boyfriend "daddy" like 3 times. My son remembers his dad and struggled when he left, and I don’t tell him this is "his new daddy" like some people do. It’s getting to be too much and I don’t know what to do or how to fix this. My boyfriend wants to be there for my kids. Please help!

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Jessica - posted on 10/19/2012

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thats a good idea ill give it a try! But do you think that that will help him adjust or will it just never change because we dont fix it now.

Holly - posted on 10/19/2012

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hon, i REALLY think that right now the best thing for your son is to have a normal life, and a pretty much absent father calling you out of the blue only to upset you is not normal. I would tell his dad next time he calls that you don't want him to speak to him until he has had at LEAST a year worth of peace, emotionally. He needs to have time to heal from the emotional scars his dad has given him. I told my kids father that he only HURTS his children when he calls, it is best for them NOT to hear from him. they need to try to live this new life with out him, and they begin to get used to it, ONLY to have this stranger (their father who is never REALLY there) come and turn everything upside down, so they have to start all over again, only for it to happen again.

Jessica - posted on 10/19/2012

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well he doesn’t see him, and he has no legal rights to my kids, i legally have full custody ALL the time. He hasn’t seen his kids in a year now. But i feel guilty if i try to deny him his children. i told him before that if he comes back but leaves them again i am prepared to take them permanently. but i want to do what’s best for my kids. and my son has only spoken to his father like twice since January. He calls when they are sleeping or when i am working. I dont want to talk to him. it makes me feel bad and i dont want to mess up the life that i am starting now.

Holly - posted on 10/19/2012

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i would change your number, that way he can't continue to call. IF he comes around, let him come around, hopefully by the time he does show up, your so will be able to realize just because his dad is a dead beat doesn't mean everyone is. let your SON decide this. let your son decide if he wants to go with his father. but in the mean time. go to the courts and see if you can get his right terminated. see if you can put stipulations on his visitation with his child. see if you can have his visitation minimized to a few hours once a week at a supervised facility. perhaps that will deter him from even BOTHERING to see his child. it is apparent that him seeing his child is what is affecting your son so much.

Jessica - posted on 10/19/2012

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That’s true. But he keeps getting into trouble when he is around. He calls and wants to talk to his kids i don’t want him to but I always feel bad. Do you think i should cut him off completely? i feel bad because they are his kids whether i like it or not. He tells me he is planning on coming back and hes going to be here for his kids too. so i dont know what to do, and also my son is so upset and im afraid its going to become out of control and out of my hands. i want to try to find a way to reassure him and help him transition into the happy life im trying to provide finally.

Nancy - posted on 10/18/2012

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your son will come around give it time but you need to keep your ex away from your family.Explain the truth to your son about the man your with now. How he will never be his real dad but a very good grown up friend. Its best not to hide the truth kids are snarter than you think. you kicked your ex to the curb its time you kept it that way. seems he only wants to be a part time dad and that never works.

Jessica - posted on 10/18/2012

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That is a good idea. i actually called my boyfriend this morning and asked him to talk to him about this situation. He talked to him last night but it was more about his behavior and that he needs his help taking care of the family because he is a big boy. I definatly dont think my kids should call him dad...atleast not for a long time. but I will have him talk to him! Thanks

Holly - posted on 10/18/2012

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that sounds JUST like my current BF (we live together, and he goes to school functions, he will never tell anyone different if they assume that my kids are his too, but later on, we'll all laugh about it) your BF sounds like a great guy. but maybe he can have a "man on man" convo and tell your son, that he knows that he will never be his REAL dad, but maybe they can at least be GREAT friends... THIS may help your son COPE with the fact that he ISN'T his father, but that he DOES care. after he is coping better maybe your BF can tell him that IF he WANTS to call him dad that is ok, but i would perhaps discourage it until he can cope with the new situation.





you sound SOOO much like me, but with a boy instead of girls....

Jessica - posted on 10/18/2012

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Excatly. that is what i was hoping to do. I have tried the things that worked last time and it didnt work so i modified some things in order to catch his intrest and it worked. but i feel aweful that he is hurting. and i wanted to see what other people might do! I have tried talking to him about it. He said he thinks my boyfriend is his dad because he is silly. knowing my son this means because he plays with him ans shows he cares for him and my step dad raised me so he knows that love can come from anyone. and i think he thinks he will be his step dad and take over. (like i said before) My boyfriend has done more and been there more for me and the kids in the time we have been together then my ex did in the entire 7 years we were married.

Holly - posted on 10/18/2012

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i can understand, my situation is similar to yours, not identical, but similar. I my kids' father ran out on them, granted they were so young (one i was pregnant with the other only a year old) but my oldest one really was easily attached to the few men i dated. and now that i am getting married with my BF and she has a hard time coping. she doesn't act out, but she does isolate herself from everything, and she internalizes EVERYTHING. when she cries, she shuts herself in her room (she is only 9)





anyways, if the method you tried worked so well the first time, i would try it again, and if it doesn't seem to help, THEN look into getting a counselor, you know your son best, and you know what is best for him.

Jessica - posted on 10/18/2012

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true. ill look for another child councler in my area. he was with a young woman and he enjoyed going in the beginning but she moved so he went with an older woman. and lost intrest. he thought of his sessions as play time and didnt follow anything she said. Since last time i figured out another method i hoped i could do that again. this all just happened last night so its all new, i havent let it go. He started having an attitude about two weeks ago. i got him involved in things at school and i spoke with his teacher who mentioned the school councler (we are waiting on the response) and then last night it hit me.

Holly - posted on 10/18/2012

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perhaps that wasn't the right counselor for him? many times children respond to younger women counselors... they can relate better to younger people, and ESP since it was a man who walked out on him, he might not relate well to a man

Jessica - posted on 10/18/2012

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Yes i did discourage this. We sat down and talked the first time it happend and then again this second time. I dont want him to think this is his dad but i do want him to know that he loves him. I can try counceling again but he wasnt interested before and it didnt help. the things i did on my own helped him. So i definatly want advice on anything elsei can do before dragging him back to counceling when i know he doesnt want to go. You can only help someone so much who resists. so if he doesnt want to go to counceling then hes not going to pay attention and it wont help.

Holly - posted on 10/18/2012

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THIS is why he needs to be back in counseling, to work through this. tell your son not to call your BF his daddy. tell your BF not to allow him to do it either. perhaps with him calling him that, it brings negative memories. I know you DIDN'T tell him to call him that, but maybe if you discourage it, he will feel better.

Jessica - posted on 10/18/2012

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He actually has been through counceling. And it didnt help him at all but i was able to get him back to the normal kid he is and just recently he started acting out. He knows better then to yell at adults and is normally a great kid. I knew he was upset about something and now i realized why. I think he is afraid that my boyfriend will leave him too. But i am positive even if we broke up in the future he would still be there for my kids. But i need help reassuring him of this so he can relax.

Holly - posted on 10/18/2012

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tell your child it isn't appropriate to yell at adults. EVEN if he is struggling, this behavior is unacceptable. THEN get this child some counseling!!!!!! I can't believe that all this child has been through that he hasn't gotten any sooner!

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