i need advice PLEASE 12 year old acting out

Michelle - posted on 05/22/2014 ( 8 moms have responded )

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Hello, I've never joined something lime this before but I feel like I'm going to have a break down I need advice please. Well I am a stay at home mom we are a blended family of 5 children total I have 2 boys a 13 and 8 year old boys and a 7 year old daughter. My husband has a 12 & 8 year old daughters. My children do week on and off between our home and there father home. My husbands 8 yearl old daughter lives a couple towns over and comes on the weekends and my husband has full custody of his 12 year old daughter. Our 12 year old is acting out towards me so bad where she has me in tears daily. She is violent to me she throws stuff at me calls me names slams doors til she broke her bed room door she tells me she doesn't have to listen she has slapped me in my face, she has thrown stuff where it actually hit me cut my knee open and I was bleeding yesterday she kicked me hard when I was walking away and scraped the back of my leg and I was bleeding again. She is doing things she knows she isn't suppose to just to get a reaction from me she even recently stole her dance teachers cell phone from there dance recital we found it 3 days later after she lied continuesly about having a phone. I dont know what to do I can't handle being called names and being physically abused by her any more plus I do t want her teaching my children that this behavior is acceptable. My husband her dad works a very hard job lots of hours he doesn't see this side of her its always I love my daddy and writes letters. I was a daddys girl also I did the same thing to my dad and she gets out of trouble everytime for stealing she was in her room a total of 3 days that is all when I do tell my husband what she has done to me she cries and says I'm just sad I miss my mom he feels bad for her and she has no consequences for her actions. Her mom left and moved to a different state I understand she misses her but I do t think that it is ok she takes out her anger on me. Yesterday my husband was mad at me said that it between us girls and we better figure it out he is tired of it after work and she k ows this that is why I dont tell my husband most the time when she hits me or acts out because she k ows he won't stop it just says dont disrespect adults and she says ok daddy I Wo t then its over til he is gone again. Her lies are getting worse, she pbysically hits and pushes me she is stealing from me and other people. I need advice please I'm having a breakdown and I can't talk to anyone about it PLEASE ANY ADVICE IM CONFUSED AND UPSET

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Michelle - posted on 05/29/2014

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Thank you everyone for your responses they are greatly appreciated!! I agree with counseling my husband is against it because of the lies she has told last year to the school counselor & teachers and school nurse. I know she is hurting due to her mom leaving and anytime I say anything that a mom might say lately she acts out towards me aggressively. She tells me repeatedly in not her mom. Her mom doesn't call but maybe every few months tells her she sent her Christmas presents repeatedly but nothing has ever showed up and she blames me. Yesterday she attacked me again this time she left a scratch across my face and my husband did ground her this time and stuck up for me it is hard for him to see his sweeet innocent baby girl could act like this. It is coming between us and it scares me and it scares me that my 7&8 year olds are seeing this and learning this behavior I dont want them thinking that this is ok I. Any way. What is proper punishment? I do agree with spankings but she is to old and in trying to teach her not to hit me so I think that smacking her is going to teach her its ok. I have to defend my self but how? I dont want to go to jail or lose my kids because I'm being attacked by a child. I love her so much I hate that she hurts she even told me yesterday she likes when me and her dad argue sometimes cause she Thi ks we are going to get a divorce. I am so confused on how to get our family where it should be with out counseling its hard having a blended family and to k ow where the lines are

Jodi - posted on 05/24/2014

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Regardless of how hard he works, or whether it is between you girls, your husband NEEDS to be on the same page with you. At the moment, he is totally disregarding your authority by not supporting you in dealing with her behaviour. At the moment, he is "copping out".

Have you tried family counselling as a way to get this addressed?

With regard to the previous post, you don't hit kids for violent behaviour - what sort of message do you think that sends?????

Amanda - posted on 05/24/2014

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I'm so sorry you're in such a situation...you are the parent now, don't accept this. I'm not sure if you agree with a whipping or not, but she defininately needs some type of punishment for her actions. This is completely unacceptable, but she will continue to lash out at you until you make her understand her actions will not be tolerated. Also, you may want to find her some therapy, I could imagine she must feel abandoned by her biological mother and may have other issues. As far as your husband goes, I suggest you two get on the same page because your daughter is playing the two of you against one another. You two chose to be together, accepting each others children as your own, which means you must be unified with your children.

Guest - posted on 05/23/2014

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Your husband needs to step up. I understand that he is tired of it all, and that he is exhausted after a long day of work, but HE is the reason the two of you are forced to be together. HE is the only reason the two of you are connected, so he needs to own up and make sure that the people he is putting together are functioning acceptably.

I would recommend family counseling. It does sound like the girl is going through some issues regarding losing her mom. Her behavior is common for children in her situation, and combined with the hormonal changes that come about at that age, she is going to need more help than you or her father can provide on your own. You cannot let it slide or hope it will pass, and unless you have a very in depth understanding of the changes that take place in a teen's brain chemistry during adolescence, you will not be able to teach her an appropriate way to work through this--the methods that work for adults and small children just will not work while the brain is in this transition state and you risk doing permanent damage. Make an appointment with a doctor. It may take several interviews with several different doctors to find one she can work with, but it is an important process--if she doesn't like the doctor, she will close off. No progress can be made unless she is on board.

To get her on board, you and her father should sit down with her together. Have HIM tell her that the relationship between the two of you is too volatile and no one is happy. Do not let her argue, if she starts, he should say, "Hold on, listen to all of what I have to say first, then we'll have a discussion." HE should tell her that after this much time, it is obvious that none of you have the solutions to helping this new family get along and keep everyone happy so you are going to hire a professional to help you ALL overcome issues that are preventing you from accepting each other. It is VERY VERY important that during this discussion she is not singled out as the one causing the problem. That will give her power to control the problem, and make her more resistant to therapy because it will mean giving up control. Keep the focus on all of you being in the same boat needing help. This will put you in the more powerful position of being able to provide help for her, and help her to view therapy as a way to contribute to the family and thus GAIN not give up power in her position.

Essentially, she has you trapped in a power struggle, and you have to win it without her feeling like she lost. It's hard.

Rhonda - posted on 05/23/2014

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I'm sorry to hear that. Because you are the step parent he really should be helping smooth the waters. He is the only one she is respecting right now so he should mediate. She should also talk to her mom, but maybe not if she is so poisonous with her lying. It really sounds like this poor girl needs a counselor.

Michelle - posted on 05/22/2014

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Hello Rhonda thank you for responding. She does have alot of time being the only one alot of one on one her sister comes most weekends but sometimes every other weekend and my kids are at there dads house week to week so it is just her. She is busy she loves to go places she loves to go to her aunt and uncles house and spend time with her cousin my husband works alot so its me and her alot. We go for walks and we do stuff together not as much lately because of the way she is treating me. I understand she misses her mom she wants to be with her mom but doesn't tell her dad the truth cause she doesn't want to hurt him she tells me hoping I will tell him. Her additude is extreme now where I can't control her Her dad doesn't believe I. Consoling Mainly because she lies so much and last year her mom got her to tell so many huge lies to the school and everyone the police had to finally tell her mom to stop that it was starting to be harrasment. I love her so much and wish that there was something I can do. My husband said last night he doesn't want to be in the middle of it its between me and her but she doesn't respect me so its just getting worse especially now she knows that her dad doesn't want any part of it. I feel he should back me up and tell her not to be physically attacking me he says I'm the adult and I know that but what can I do as a step parent?

Rhonda - posted on 05/22/2014

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Does your step-daughter have any contact with her biological mother at all? Do you guys have any opportunities to have fun positive interactions without the other kids? 12 is such a tough age for emotional upheaval. She definitely seems to be taking out her anger on her mother and the situation on you. Is counseling an option for the two of you or her seperately?

Michelle - posted on 05/22/2014

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I love her as my own I'm worried about what path she is starting to go down and I'm worried my husband isn't seeing it because he still sees the innocent baby in his arms she is so smart and beautiful can go far in life hit she is heading down the wrong ways and I don't know how to get her to stop being so aggressive towards me please any advice

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