I need advice with disrespectful stepchildren

[deleted account] ( 18 moms have responded )

Before I get started, let me give a little backstory. My husband has two kids ages 10 and 12. One girl, age 10. One boy, age 12. My husband and I have been together since they were five and seven. So this is nothing new to them. My husband has been divorced for eight years now. And their family on the mother side, divorced and mixed families is nothing new to them.

Their situation at home is rather strange to me. There are no set rules for them, and they basically just watch TV all day. Their grades are very bad school, Cs and Ds. Basically, their main source of recreation is sitting around and watching TV day in and day out. They are not encouraged to go outside, and they are not encouraged to read or do anything shall I say useful? Their house is very filthy, and their courage to clean. They are not allowed to bring any personal bags are belongings, because the last time I did it was infested with roaches. For their ages, they are very behind. And empathy. In reading. And their speech is comparable to that of A three-year-old. To the extent that I cannot understand what they are saying or talking about half the time, and I'm not sure that they know what they are saying either.

I think a lot of their problems stem from how they are expected to behave at home, which is nothing at all. They are pretty much sold at home, and give them everything they want. The boy, keep in mind that he is 12, will watch TV and get so into it that he will not get up and use the bathroom. He will end up soiling his pants and then he will not change it unless you ask him to. The girl will sit there and suck on her wrist until it turns purple. I'm not sure I quite understand these behaviors, but their father does nothing to correct them, and it makes me look like the bad guy when I asked them to do something different. I have to cut the TV off in order for them to listen to me, and then they give me evil stares. I've tried to make the boys clean himself up, clean his clothes, and clean up his mess in the bathroom when he sold himself. But it does no good, there've been times when he saw himself three times in one day. We took them to the zoo one time, and he soiled himself there. Know that we were 200 miles from home.

I think that a lot of brainwashing goes on in the real home. The mother states that they are allergic to cats, and they are not. The girl will fake sneeze and that's about it. You know th cartoon ACHOO kind of thing. But, somehow they're only allergic when I want to be. They are allergic to grown cats, but I'm not allergic to kittens according to them. When it comes to dogs, they have hit them, lock them in closets, drawn them on top beach other to try to make them fight, and drive them around by the throat. I have explained to them that that might be what they do in their home, but I do not allow that kind of behavior in my home. And their father just shrugged it off like it is normal

The last time that they were down, they terrorize the house. They broke thanks, I think all of the floor, and trash the room. Their father seem to think that that was okay. When he asked them to do something and I don't do it or they tell him no, he just says okay I'm sorry. I have discussed with him that that is not an acceptable thing to do when I child tell you know. And then he turns around and gets defensive

It has gotten to the point where they are not allowed to come down to our home anymore, do you know that they live in another state, 300 miles away. I used to go and get them after work on Fridays and bring them back down for the weekend. Their mother would show up late, so I would work all day, drive four hours, and wait for their mother to be 45 minutes late. There been times when she would not answer my call or my text, after she agreed to meet me in certain places. I think A lot of bad mouthing goes on in their home. And that maybe where a lot of the disrespect comes from. But as far as their behavior, I think a lot of it stems from the fact that there are no set rules in the home.


My husband has tried to discuss this with their mother, but she shrugs it off and said that she is a good mother and that they are good kids.

I do not feel like it is fair for my husband to have to spend day trips open their state with them. I would like to be able to bring them down, but how can I do it if their father will not agree with the situation or will not agree or come to terms on certain rules for the household? I said the singles for a 10 and a 12-year-old as I do for my husband and eyes to-year-old. And there should be more expected of a 10 and a 12-year-old. My husband has told me that I should expect less of them that I should expect from our two-year-old I told him that everyone in this household is equal should all the rules are set, especially the children. If my husband and I cannot come to terms, how can I be able to allow them in our home it is not there.

I feel like I have set their rules. If they do not listen to us, the boy decides to soiled his pants were watching TV, then I don't get TV for the rest the weekend. They are already not allowed to play video games, because the last time they did that your controller and it knocked a gaming system off and broke it. They did not apologize both of them just got up and walked off like it was nothing. They are not allowed to pick our daughter up, I had sent rolls stating that along time ago. My husband started handing our daughter to them and eventually the girl tried to pick our daughter up at one point and dropped off her face. The girl just turned around and walked off and did not apologize. She did not ask if our daughter was okay or anything. When I told my husband that is why did not want either of them picking her up, he got defensive and got mad at me.

The only way, due to our work schedules, that you could spend more time with them especially during holidays which bring them down to our home. But even Christmas is difficult. The last couple years we did Christmas and went all out with them. Rather then appreciating what they got, they took all of our daughters toys and played with them. Why would a 10 and a 12-year-old well back then they were nine and 11, want a toddler's toys? I understand there may be some jealousy going on.

When it comes to eating, Every meal that they eat at home is mcdonalds or something fast food. At our house, I cook meals. The boy is generally good about eating what is on his plate. The girl however, has no right lanes between crying, begging her Sobro up, or spitting on her plate. She does not like to eat vegetables of any kind very clear. In fact she won't hardly anything unless it is McDonald's. I try to avoid that, unless it is a special treat a ward. I make my two-year-old daughter what is on her plate. And I expect the same of them.

My big question is, should I keep things as it is, and not allow them down at all? Or should I continue to try to come to an agreement with their father rules for the house, and hope that he will eventually stick by that?

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♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 08/25/2014

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If this was not sorted prior to your marriage, it should have been.

The schools are mandatory reporters, so if this is going on, they'll have reported it. And I know that they've noticed, because one cannot shit themselves without another noticing.

I have a feeling that there's something trollish going on.

If not, step mom has no authority to change things without father's participation and authorization, and i'd recommend that there be some counseling. Family, & iindividual.

Ahndrea - posted on 08/25/2014

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Wow! Maybe she wants to video games so she doesn't have to interact with them.. That is insane. Child support should be spent on the children's needs such as clothes and school supplies!! Women like that just take and take. Too bad the govt doesn't put a block on what u use the money for!

[deleted account]

Oh yeah. She's something. She has no problem asking him to buy them clothes or minutes for her phone. Expensive gaming systems. She will let then call him almost daily. When she figured out he won't do it. She won't let them call or answer his calls/texts.

Don't get me wrong. I don't have a problem with getting them clothes. But she gets more child support money than I make on a full time job

Ahndrea - posted on 08/25/2014

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I'm so sorry 😕 I wish I had better advice.. He needs to get on the band wagon.. If he keeps acting like this, it will only hurt your marriAge more and the relationship with the children .. That mother sounds like a trip.. Eeks

[deleted account]

I'm just kind of at a loss. THeir father is so emotionally detached because he is afraid his ex will do something crazy. I've pushed and pushed. But, I feel at a loss

[deleted account]

The school has issued tutors to the kids. Bit that is about it. 2 hours a day during school they have a one on one tutor. And I think she is a little more conscious of what she sends them to school in. But when they come to our house "they pack their own clothes so it isn't her doing"


Trust me. I wouldn't bs any of this or sit here àbd ask for advice.

I've told their father to get date and time stamped pictures of what they wear and their home. But he won't. I've bought clothes for them to wear at our home and sent some home with them.

The school knows that they are filthy but I don't think they realize the extent He has soiled his pants in school, and the administration knows they are special needs. But can only offer so much. And yes. CPs has been to their house as I have stated before, over the filth and the bug infestation. They abandoned that house and had another trailer put on the property. Abd CPs dropped the case. I'm sure that he could start it back up if he wants to

Ahndrea - posted on 08/25/2014

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I will be honest, this was one of the saddest posts I have read... These children are obviously not being treated well at home...sounds like they never get attention at home so then come to visit and act out. I would say your husband needs counseling and parenting classes and dfs needs to be called on the mother. That house doesn't seem fit for an adult let alone children... It is beyond me how a parent could just let their child sit and soil themselves because they don't want to get up... You can't just sit and let this happen.. Best of luck

Dove - posted on 08/25/2014

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If he has a court order for visitation and she goes against that... he can take her to court. The condition of these kids could very well be grounds for her to LOSE custody of them... and all the adults who could be helping these kids are just making excuses.

Actually... I'm calling BS on you right now cuz if these kids showed up to school in the condition that you claim or did any of the things IN school that you claim they do in your home... CPS would already be involved as the school is mandated to report this gross neglect.

[deleted account]

I think his main deal is that his ex is a ticking time bomb. When the first divorced, she wouldn't let him see his kids for 3 months abd then she got a lawyer. So, she kro them from him illegally for 3 months. Then another 2 months on the ground that, as stated by her lawyer, " he is a black belt in karate and is dangerous". She is very bitter. She reduced the amount of visitation to maximize her child support


Anyways. He is afraid she might try something like that again. I told he that he needs to cal the schools. Get their report cards. Talk to their teachers. Start there. Abd he won't.

Everytime we get them. They are filthy and the stink. I mentioned it to their mother abd the next time we got them, it smelt like she tried to cover their odor up with baby powder. I mentioned it to their dad since he has no sense of smell and he didn't say anything. They smell of body odor and mold

Not to mention that transportation is his responsibility. Yes. She makes him drive 250 miles one way to get them. 500 round trip. That's 1000 miles in one weekend.

And their clothes, for the amount she gets (she has no bills) are filthy One time the girl came over in a skirt so short that it was up to her butt. No underwear.

I just don't know what to do. Other than call CPs and their father doesn't want me to. And he doesn't want to start trouble. That's why I feel like I should just stay out of it. How can I help if he won't due to fear or whatever I told him the CPs is a anymore if you want it to be.

Ev - posted on 08/25/2014

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Kristi, dear, a few of us have told you that you can call the Family Services in a legal sense to help these kids. Someone else suggested that your husband take parental classes to help him out. But changes will not come until someone steps forward and does something. He is using all those thoughts about causing trouble, that his ex says he is the one at fault for the way the kids are and whatever else has been tossed around as excuses to not have to do anything. I would think that parents that really care about their kids would do something about this long before now. I feel for you because there is not much more than calling family services in your own power. But you definitely need to sit that man down and say, "Hey, these children need help. I have been around now long enough to note that they are not where they should be with the kids their ages. You won't call for family services to check out the home and see what is going on, you won't do anything here for those kids and help me work with them, and you use excuses to explain away why you won't call family services there yourself. I am tired of this and want to get the best for the kids that can be done to help them, but if you can not see this, I can not support you in getting them help. You are being just as bad a parent for not doing anything as the mother is for letting it happen. So, I am giving you and ultimatum; either you call in and get the family services to check this out or I will."

Michelle - posted on 08/24/2014

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Your husband isn't the only one that can call CPS, you can call them.
Your husband could also benefit from doing a parenting course instead of burying his head in the sand about this. They are his children as well and he needs to be more proactive in helping them.

[deleted account]

I've brought that up to him. About them needing psychological help. But, he just kind if shrugs it off. He tried to talk to their mother about it and she just told him it was " all his fault that they are that way"

I have suggested CPs because the mother has been in trouble for the condition of her home in the past But he says he doesn't want to cause trouble. So it's kind of a crossroads.

He's very push-over like when it comes to them.

Dove - posted on 08/24/2014

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Those kids definitely need professional help. No 'normal' 12 year old will poop his pants and sit in it. There is either something seriously wrong developmentally... or psychologically... and w/out professional intervention I don't see anything changing.

As for what YOU can do about it... other than calling social services/CPS/whatever it's called in your area... I really don't know. Getting into counseling and urging your husband to attend would probably be a good step.

Ev - posted on 08/24/2014

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Then if you have seen the house and how it is along with the kids actions and stuff you need to document it with dates, times, and what you say and if anything was said and who said it. You should call Family services in that state they live in and get them to check into it. But other than that legally, your husband has to be the one to do anything about it. All you can do is try to call the family services and get things investigated. But if he is not going to back you up, how is this going to work out? Its up to him and mom. I understand your concerns but as I said, legally, there is not a lot you can do.

[deleted account]

I did forget to mention he just goes up where they live and visits when his time comes. Regular visitation still

When the relationship was early, I thought the acting out was just resentful mess that they would eventually get over.

As for their living situation. It is more than hearsay. Both my husband and I have been in the home and seen it for ourselves

Ev - posted on 08/24/2014

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You and your husband clearly need to go to counseling and talk this out and tell him what it looks like to you and how it makes you feel when he does nothing to remedy this. As for legally saying the kids can not come to the house, as long as he has a visitation set up with the courts in that state and is allowed to bring them home for visits, you would be pushing parental alienation that way. He could end up in contempt of court for not getting his kids because you do not want them there. If this situation had been going on back when you were dating him, why did you go ahead and marry him knowing that this was the way things were? You can not make him or her change anything. These parents need to change up things and have to want to change. I am surprised that he is not concerned for their delays behind their peers, their peeing or pooping and not minding it, and the other issues you have come to know with them staying with you. And since you do not live in their home with mom, it is only hearsay if all you get is what someone tells you. Legally speaking, you have no rights except where your own child is concerned.

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