I need help...

Carol - posted on 12/20/2014 ( 19 moms have responded )

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OKAY, II HAVE A 6 YR OLD, AND CURRENTLY PREGNANT WITH TWINS. THE FATHER OR THE TWINS IS CONVICT WHO SPENT 14 YRS IN PRISON FOR DRUGS, WE ARE ON HORRIBLE TERMS, HE SHOWED UP TO MY HOUSE THE OTHER DAY UNANNOUNCED DEMANDING TO SPEAK TO THE TWINS GRANDMOTHER.. THEY SPOKE AND THE FIRST THING OUT HIS MOUTH WAS CHILD SUPPORT AND HIM NOT BEING ABLE TO PAY AND POSSIBLY GOING BACK TO PRISON/JAIL. SHE FEELS THAT WITH HIM BEING AN EX-CON THAT HE IS CAPABLE OF KILLING ALL OF US, INCLUDING MY OLDEST OR HAVING SOMEONE ELSE DO IT, IF HE IS SENT BACK. HE HAS ALREADY BEEN STALKING MY MOTHER, AND I'M SURE HE IS KEEPING TABS ON ME. I DO NOT WANT HIM A PART OF MY LIFE NOR MY KIDS SEEING AS HOW HE COULD BECOME VIOLENT. I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO. I MADE A MISTAKE BEING WITH HIM, HAD NO KNOWLEDGE OF HIS CRIMINAL PAST... PLS HELP.. I AM TERRIFIED OUR LIVES ARE IN DANGER

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Jodi - posted on 12/22/2014

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Oh for fuck's sake, I didn't make any assumptions and I am not questioning this woman's credibility.

1. If she has a 6 year old, and she is pregnant to him, then it is highly likely the 6 year old has met him. Maybe it frustrates the shit out of me that people just jump into bed with anyone these days without actually getting to know them first, especially when there is already a child involved.

2. He was in jail for drugs, not assault or any other violent charge. There is no mention that he HAS been violent only that her mother thinks he could get violent. Sorry, but that is not grounds to withhold the children from him or grounds to get a restraining order.

3. You don't get to decide whether he gets to be in his kids' life or not. As long as he is deemed not a danger to them, he will have every right to access/visitation. Even if there is concern, he will likely still have a right to supervised visitation.

Now I'm going to be really blunt, and this isn't just targeted at the OP, but to all who read my advice and think it is too harsh - when you sleep with someone and you get pregnant by them, no matter who they are, that person is the child/childrens' OTHER PARENT. You will be forever linked to that person you slept with. Whether you like it or not. Whether you think he is an asshole or not. You don't get to say whether that person should be a part of their life or not. You made that choice when you got pregnant to that person. It is now only a decision that a court can make. The OP does not get to decide whether this man is part of her children's life now. Too late. If he wants to be part of their life, he now has that right. He can file for visitation and she won't even get a say in the decision - that's why we have a family court.

My advice at this point would be to set up custody, visitation and child support orders as soon as those babies are born, as doing this legally is the best protection for all parties involved, especially the children.

Mommabird - posted on 12/21/2014

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Before we make any more assumptions of her let me repost her exact words.." I MADE A MISTAKE BEING WITH HIM, HAD NO KNOWLEDGE OF HIS CRIMINAL PAST"
So I dont understand why her credibility is being questioned here instead of his..
Lets see, he did 14 yrs in prison related to drugs...do the research...he was either a drug dealer or got caught with a shitload of drugs. He gets her pregnant and the only concern he has while showing up unannounced is paying child support? And mentions hes going back to jail soon? Definately a role model for twins! So then you have a woman who made a mistake and slept with a man unprotected and got pregnant. That never happens! (insert sarcastic laugh) She finds out hes a felon and spent 14 yrs in prison for drugs. Now shes scared for her children and family and suddenly HER credibility is being questioned on her parenting because he has rights?
I thought we were supposed to help and give advice to Moms here?

Sammie - posted on 12/20/2014

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Thats what we as mother are all here for. I hope your family stays safe and away from harm. Tell me if everything works out!

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Mommabird - posted on 12/23/2014

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My final suggestion, Carol "Nicole", whichever... Once the twins are born have him take paternity test, drug test(hair follicle, not urine sample), and establish child support. After that if he wants visitation ask that it be supervised by a 3rd party.
although I dont recall you mentioning whether he even wanted to be involved in their lives or not, only that he" cant pay child support"....

Katelyn - posted on 12/23/2014

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You need to contact your local police department. If anything, they can set you up with the resources available to you and your children for help. Unfortunately, sometimes law enforcement is unable to do anything until he actually commits a provable crime against you or a family member. I would very much recommend finding out if you have a community violence intervention center near by.

I am going to add that I do find some of these comments to be non-constructive criticism. If you have nothing other than judgement and scrutiny to add to the conversation... why even bother? Shaming is neither helpful nor appreciated. :)

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 12/22/2014

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Couldn't have said it better myself.

Regardless of ANY circumstances, if you choose to sleep with someone, you are potentially choosing a lifetime commitment of co parenting with that person. I'm not going to go so far as to point out that if you didn't know him...because you know where that's headed.

So, unless you have SPECIFIC threats against the children, he's going to have every right to be a parent...just as you do. Should YOUR parental rights be rescinded simply because of your choice of bed partners? I'd think not! His shouldn't be rescinded simply because you regret your choice to go to bed with him.

Michelle - posted on 12/22/2014

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I totally agree with Jodi.
You say you fell pregnant before you knew of his past, then you didn't know him at all before you slept with him.
Just because he has been in jail, doesn't make him capable of murder. Has he shown any signs of violence (you don't say he has)? If not then why assume that because he has been in jail he is violent?
Also like Jodi said, you made the choice to sleep with and fall pregnant, you don't get to choose if he sees his children or not. He is their Father and he has just as much right as you do to have a relationship with them.

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 12/22/2014

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I"m wondering how the "twins grandmother" and "my mother" are two different people in this conversation. Are you living with his mother, and calling her the 'twins grandmother', while differentiating between that and your mother?

Bottom line. His visitation will be dependent upon (to an extent) his past criminal history. If it is nothing to indicate danger to his children, he's still got every friggin right to see them, whether you like the idea or not.

If he HAS a criminal past against children, then you'll be able to get a protective order and some adjustment to visitation guidelines. Whether or not you "want" him to be part of your life, he is now irrevocably part because of his paternity. Adjust to that, and make sure that any steps you take are done legally.

Amy - posted on 12/22/2014

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And by involved I'm assuming that they think your 6 year old has met him and been around him.

User - posted on 12/22/2014

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i never said my 6 yr old was involved with him.. where the fuck do u see me saying that at

Jodi - posted on 12/21/2014

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Depends what he has been in jail for. Based on your information, it is drugs, so you have no grounds, unless he threatened you, to assume he could kill you and to get protection orders. Unless he has shown some level of violence and it is documented, you are unlikely to be able to get protection orders.

Having said that, protection orders against you and protection orders against your children are two different things. Unless he has threatened the children, and you have evidence of that, it is likely he will get some form of visitation. You can't just refuse him.

Let's face it. He spend 14 years in prison. And you are pregnant with his twins. You can hardly use his prison sentence against him. You chose to get pregnant by him AFTER you already knew about that. And clearly you felt quite comfortable getting your 6 year old involved with him. How you FEEL NOW is not evidence.

Amy - posted on 12/21/2014

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Not all ex cons are murderers, if he's been physically violent towards you by all means pursue an order of protection for yourself.

Mommabird - posted on 12/21/2014

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Definately get an order of protection started. If he shows up again try and get video of him outside your home to prove he has broken the order of protection. Sounds like prison is where he shouldve stayed if he is choosing to use his newfound freedom to harass you and your family. Good luck and keep us posted

Sammie - posted on 12/20/2014

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Go to the police. If you have any documentations of him threatening you or your family they have to do something about it. It can go as far as relocating your family completely and name change. I hope everything is ok. Please keep us updated on how everything is going. Were here for you!

Sammie - posted on 12/20/2014

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Go to the police. If you have any documentations of him threatening you or your family they have to do something about it. It can go as far as relocating your family completely and name change. I hope everything is ok. Please keep us updated on how everything is going. Were here for you!

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